Cut me? Cut YOU.

Whenever I watch the video of my first baby being born, I cringe a little inside when I see my husband breathing through the contractions with me because on that very important day in our lives? He was sporting a Haircut given by me.
My “problem” (and yes, it’s a problem) with “thinking I can cut hair” started when I was a young girl and curious to see how I would look with bangs. That set off a chain of events in which I would end up crying, or making someone else cry because I thought it was a good idea to “give ‘em a little trim.”
Everytime I’d come home from getting a hair cut, I’d find something wrong with it and try to fix it myself. I can’t count how many times my husband came home to find me in the bathroom crying and saying things like “OMG. CAN YOU PLEASE SHAVE MY NECK BECAUSE I MESSED UP AND WENT A LITTLE TOO SHORT.”
I went through a phase where I truly believed I could cut my husband’s hair “just as good, IF NOT BETTER” than the barber and BONUS! I could save us an entire $8 every month in doing so!
Because my husband is precious and loves me,( not because I had went and bought an entire “hair cutting kit” complete with clippers, scissors and combs! at Costco) he decided to go ahead and let me cut his hair.
I was very pregnant with Andrew at the time and I remember the first time I cut his hair VERY WELL. I remember thinking “Seriously, how hard could this be?” But as soon as I started buzzing off the sides of his hair, I was like “This shit is HARD” and also “WHOOPS!”
The thing about cutting hair is that when you go too far on one side, you have to even that shit out on the other and um, let’s just say by the time I was done “evening shit out” he had pretty much NO hair left on the side and a big puff of hair on the top. I tried desperately to blend the sides and the top, but the only way that was going to happen is if I shaved it all off.
And let’s not even talk about the sideburns. (Or should I say the “lack of sideburns” by the time I was finished.)
I remember when we sat down to watch the video of the birth of our son together for the first time. Aside from the part where I was all “OMG. I think I’m pooping” as the nurse was all “No you’re not” while WIPING MY ASS, the most humiliating moment for me was watching my poor, supportive husband helping me through the labor with a totally jacked up up hair cut. I don’t even think he realised how bad it was until he saw it on tape. He was like “WOMEN, YOU WILL NEVER CUT MY HAIR AGAIN.”
And I agreed because, holy shit, you should have seen it.
One would have thought that my days of giving other people haircuts were over, but one would be wrong in thinking that. One day, a friend who always tries to make me feel like a bad mother was all “I cut my boys hair because why would I pay someone else to do something so easy?” I went all “Oprah” in my agreement with her “Girrrrrrrrrrrrl, I know, right?”
The next day, I went and bought a new haircutting kit (at Costco!) and announced that “from now on, I’LL be cutting your hair!”
That didn’t last too long because OH MY GOD, my kids hated me cutting their hair with a passion.
I had no decent place to cut their hair, so we would have to take kitchen chairs out back. And the cuts would take HOURS and those hours were filled with crying, screaming, tantrums, threats and sometimes? Bleeding.
The kids: Wah. Cry. Bitch. Moan. MOM! this is taking forever.
Me: I bet you never complain to the barber about how long it takes.
The kids: Yeah, because the barber doesn’t take 3 HOURS.
The kids: OUCH! THAT HURT! YOU’RE HURTING ME!
Me: I bet you never whine about that to the barber.
The kids: Because the barber doesn’t CUT THE TOPS OF OUR EARS OFF.
It was horrible. For them. For me. For the neighbors.
I swore that I’d never take a pair of scissors to a head of hair ever again for as long as I lived.
I meant it, I really and truly did. But then? One time? I was giving my dog a bath and I decided to give him “a little trim” and um, well, haha! OOPS. (I’m telling you, that “evening shit out” gets me EVERYTIME.)
Why am I talking about my problem with “cutting hair” again?
Perhaps, because I’ve done it again?
Only, this time to my poor, helpless 2 year old daughter?
Beautiful (even with a bad hair cut.)
I thought “cutting her hair will be easy! Just cut straight across the bottom! No problemo!”
I could actually close my eyes and see myself doing it and doing it perfectly. Obviously, I forgot that a) I was dealing with a child who can not sit still for more than .6 seconds at a time. b)a child who throws herself back when she gets pissed c)That I don’t have the proper hair cutting scissors and haha sewing scissors do NOT work d)I CAN NOT CUT HAIR.
Dr.Phil always says “The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior” and in “the past” I’ve jacked A LOT OF PEOPLES HAIR THE FUCK UP. So, honestly, what was I thinking?
It doesn’t look too bad in that picture, but trust me, it’s totally uneven and way shorter than I intended. I have to take her tomorrow to get it fixed, which means it will be even SHORTER and oh man, PigHunter is PISSED.
I don’t blame him, I shouldn’t have picked those scissors up. I mean, yeah, they were sitting there calling to me “you know you want to do it. Just do eeeet” But, I should have been strong, given them The Fingah and walked away.
Because, no one should ever have to suffer Jacked Up Hair because of my inability to STEP AWAY FROM THE SCISSORS ever again.

54 thoughts on “Cut me? Cut YOU.

  1. M&Co.

    Oh I feel your pain, but in my case, it’s the Husband who wants me to cut his hair, cause man it costs $10 for a haircut these days! I think he always looks like he just got out of prison. But I’m always letting him sucker me in

  2. dame olympia

    Dude, your blog cracks me up. Love it. Love it big time.
    Just a thought— if you love cutting hair that much, how about learning how? that way, you can listen to the scissors and your family, incl. dog, will be happy. I think there’s books and stuff that teach people how.
    A Hair-cut Slut

  3. Jen

    One time a hairdresser at one of those cheapo places DID cut my ear. And it bled.
    Another time, I went in for “just a trim” and came out with 2 feet of hair lopped off. I guess the lady didn’t think my long, long hair was “trendy”, and she was probably right. And I was too shy to say anything. So instead, I cried in the parking lot for an hour after my mom picked me up.
    I would have killed to have my mom cut my hair. Seriously.

  4. Julianna

    Awww! It’s ok. I told my ex that I could trim from an already made haircut but not go from long to short. So? he asked me to go long to short. So I totally grabbed his hair and just cut.. not taking into account the curvature of the head and all… and made a wicked bald spot on the side. Ha! TG the new husband has standards about going OUT for a haircut and he should be safe from my hair-cutting abilities.
    And I am not as cute as you!

  5. Melissa

    Well, I can cut hair, but only because I am a beauty school dropout. People think that it is awesome that I can give them a cut that looks like they dropped some cash, but I still get the humiliating “beauty school drop out…go back to high school” sung at me all of the time.
    Actually, one thing I am kind of proud of, is that I taught my boyfriend how to cut my hair when I wore it really, really short. We would sit in front of the bathroom mirror together and I would tell him what to do. (BTW, cutting a straight line in longer hair is much, much harder.)

  6. Sasha

    Aw shit…you’ve got me tearing up here. Especially when I saw your dog…it’s like you cut half the dog off. lol
    I too own the Costco clipper set complete with DVD and I cut my Sweetie’s hair but he watches me do it in the mirror.
    You are a crack up. I love your blog.

  7. Fold My Laundry Please

    When I was in college I used to cut my friends hair and get paid in beer. At the time I thought I did a pretty good job, but now that I’m older and wiser I realize that the cuts mostly looked good because afterwards was always party time! To this day I still have no idea why they would ask me to cut their hair over and over again!

  8. Nila

    You had me laughing so loud that my co-worker had to see what I was reading. You crack me up, and you tell a story like no other.
    Maybe your irrepressible desire to cut peoples hair is your subconscious telling you to go to beauty school. I know lots of people who make lots of money doing hair. My little sister is starting in November, and thank god because you should see her daughters bangs.

  9. baseballmom

    I cut Husband and Alex’s hair all the time, but not T’s, cause he’s 10 and way too cool for a home ‘do. One time I was cutting Husband’s, and forgot to put the guard on the clippers…and made a huge bald stripe up the side and over the top, so I had to cut it all off…he was so PISSED! I told him to never ask me to cut his hair again, and I totally CRIED, but guess what? I am all about saving 15 bucks a pop, so I kept on cutting it!

  10. mo

    oh man.
    i made banana chocolate chip muffins for my boy the other day. cause, im trying to be healthy? and they have BANANA in them. and even though i made them for HIM, i think i’ve eaten like, most of them.
    (i have a point. i swear.)
    so i’m sitting here muching on the VERY LAST ONE, and i click to the dog post (HAHAHAHA) which makes me choke on my muffin.
    i swear. karma just bit me on the ass, via your website. how uncool is that.
    for the record, i think gabbys haircut looks heaps better than the one i got my kid on sunday by a so called ‘professional’ hairdresser.

  11. Kay

    Well Y, the first step is admitting you have a problem…oh hell…ROFLMAO!
    I did the same thing to a boyfriend in highschool. I screwed up SO bad I thought he was going to break up with me (later did but swore that wasn’t so…riiiiiiiight).
    Anyway, I laughed my ass off! Your honesty is refreshing and G’s hair doesn’t look that bad.
    PS You can TOTALLY put the blame on G and tell them you tried to fix it but she botched it so badly, darn 2 year olds! ;)

  12. chris

    Oh man, I have done the same things. I gave up long ago trying to cut anyone’s hair, even my own. But my husband, he discovered he has “the gift” He cuts all the boys’ hair.

  13. Cassie

    Y, you sure know how to tell a story! You crack me up with every post. In fact, you are probably the funniest person I’ve ever not met!!
    And by the way, Gabby’s hair looks cute. The dog’s, on the other hand….. :o )

  14. Nina

    Before we were married (and I’m guessing well into his past), my husband and his best friend would cut each other’s hair. Oh.My.God. Horrible isn’t a bad enough word to describe the haircut they thought looked (and still do probably) cool. From right above the ear and ALL the way around in the head they’d cut a line, like all the way to the scalp. Below the line, short, short hair. Above the line, just regular lenght hair. They seriously looked like the needed to be wearing a helmet waiting for the short bus. (And my husband, he doesn’t need any help with that…hahahaha [I'm so mean]). I’ve forbidden it now.
    I know he did it for a long time, because in one of his yearbooks, someone signed it “leave it to the professionals!” about his hair.

  15. E :)

    My Dad used to insist he cut our hair until I was 16. He still cuts my brother’s hair and he’s 15. It was awful. I always had terrible haircuts. My rule? Never cut the hair of a family member. Never.

  16. Lucy

    I also thought I could cut my husband’s hair. I started and really had no plan whatsoever, which was just bad. I was just cutting randomly, so it ended with long sections and short sections. It always looked so easy. He then went and got a real haircut. I am pretty sure I am not allowed to try and cut his hair ever again.

  17. CPA Mom

    Lord, woman, you do crack me up! That was so funny. I “trimmed” my own sideburns this morning as I too, cannot seem to remember that I CANNOT CUT HAIR EITHER! UGH! Intervention is needed STAT.

  18. clickmom

    AN ODE TO THE POWER OF FORGIVENESS
    My oldest son wanted to grow his hair out and it needed to be trimmed along the way. The barber and even my hair stylist always went all military on him so finally he asked (made) me to cut his hair. I was good for a while, and then one day while trimming his bangs I accidentally snipped his eye lid. Man, I felt like shit, and he was crying. Eye lids sure can bleed too.
    6 weeks later he needed another little trim. He stood there for me, trembling and was so scared while I cut his bangs that he actually threw up.
    But not on me, cause the boy loves his mom.
    This was last summer and he still lets (forces) me cut his hair.

  19. anne nahm

    Oh man. :^)
    My dad went through a phase of cutting his own hair. When he was 59. He already looks kind of like a kiwi on good days. My mom was so embarrassed.

  20. Amanda

    Hilarious! My dad went through a faze where he wanted my mom to cut his hair. He asked her to cut it up to the middle of his ears. So she did. Shaved it clean up to the middle of his ears. He looked like a page boy or something.
    Anyway, Y, you are a funny girl.

  21. Y

    haha. Yes, you did. Hopefully, it’s just a faze you’re going through.
    Oh man, all of your haircutting stories are killing me. Funny, funny stuff.

  22. jen fromboston

    the stories I could share in the spirit of solidarity.
    it’s a sickness….really.
    I also really like lying ot the hairdresser “no, I haven’t messed with it. why do you ask?”
    I’ve even cut my mother’s hair and got a little carried away, “Uh, jen, I didn’t WANT a bob.”
    “But Mom, it was really damaged. I needed to.”
    The pictures of the dog you link back to? I literally coughed out my coffee…tremendous. you made my day.

  23. Melissa

    I came home from work to find that my husband had given himself a haircut. He looked like a carnie from the county fairs I used to go to as a teen, so I decided to “fix” it. Yeah….after I was done he looked like a skinhead. We decided from that point forward, only professionals would touch our hair.
    Unfortunately, we decided to give our pug/lhasa mix a little trim once. Bad…very, very bad. We’re leaving THAT to the professionals too.

  24. RisibleGirl

    Here’s a little “bang” tip someone passed on to me and it works like magic!
    Take the “bangs area” you want to trim and twist it all together as tight as you can (well- don’t make it painful!).
    Then just cut the whole section as it’s twisted together. It’ll be like cutting a rope.
    This will make the bangs a little shorter in the middle, and longer on the sides (rather than straight across) and will also create a teeny bit of ‘feathering’ so it doesn’t look uneven.

  25. Lynda

    OMG! I am still laughing because I’ve done the same thing. My daughter will never let me near her with scissors again.
    Don’t you also hate it when you go to start cutting your husband’s hair and you realize (after you’ve started) that, oops, you forgot to put the piece over the blade. Oops. Too late now. Ha Ha, guess you’re getting a buzz this month, honey.

  26. Susan

    I am familiar with the snip, snip, snip, OOOOPS! My mom used to cut my hair….my bangs were usually right up near my hairline. I have finally forgiven her…except for the occasional accusations:)

  27. LaDonna

    OMG, I totally needed that this morning. My boyfriend insists I cut his hair and I HATE IT! He assures me it doesn’t matter if I mess it up because he wears a hat all the time, but it never fails, I always screw up where the hat doesn’t sit. Like the sideburns, or the back. Plus, I always end up cutting a knuckle or that little web of skin between the index and middle finger. Grrrr. I wish he’d just spend the $12 bucks every six weeks.

  28. dana michelle

    Y, Y, Y. I thought you had been cured of the urge to trim when you defiled poor Snoop.
    How many times must we tell you to just step away from the scissors, girl?
    I wanted to be a hair stylist the entire time I was growing up, but it ceased appealing to me around age 18 when I spoke to a friend who did it for a living and heard her horror stories of customers with greasy hair, nasty zits on their necks or worse.
    I trimmed the fiance’s nose hair this weekend ( I know, ewww, but we were on our way to a wedding and he couldn’t find his trimmer tool) and I accidentally snipped his nose a bit.
    Apparently, I, too, need to step away from the scissors! :0)

  29. erika

    HAHAHA! I just came back from the bathroom wishing I had some scissors because then I could just fix that little section that I f’ed up the last time I had scissors. And then I read this post. OMG, I’ve messed up my husband’s hair a bunch of times. I’ve been banned from doing his hair. I’m still laughing about the last time. I *swear* he said use the #1 attachment and gestured at the top of his head.

  30. jessica

    Okay, this brings back memories, except the shoe is on the other foot – in that my husband thinks he is the hairdresser – and I let him cut my hair for many of the stay at home years because we weren’t just saving $8.00 we were saving $40.00+. OMG. Let’s just say that when I look at the pictures I wonder how my “friends” put up with this look. Sort of Susan Powter Stop the Insanity but with a hefty dose of I am on tranquilizers and probably drinking on the side….he still thinks he did a great job.

  31. sarah

    That was bar far the funniest post ever. I am reading while the health teacher is teaching my children in my room.((I so wish I could teach health! Penis and vagina are VOCABULARY words..okay not in 3rd grade but still..) SO HARD to hold in laughs and giggles without a toot or a snot blow!

  32. ishouldbeworking

    I can’t relate much about the cutting of people’s hair, but I used to groom my dogs myself. Until once upon a time when I got too close to the male dog’s “boys” and he turned around and nipped the clippers, knocking them from my hand and onto the floor where they shattered. Like he was saying “No more clippers for you, woman! Get me to someone who knows what the hell they’re doing!”

  33. michelle/weaker vessel

    DUDE. Been there, done that, made every male member of my family look like they had mange on many separate occasions. Now, my husband cuts his own hair (!) and I just trim up the back, but believe me, he watches me like a got-damn hawk while I’m doing it. I’m about to drop 40 simoleons to get my boys’ hair cut at Regis tomorrow, which pains me terribly because I am a total tightwad. Alas, cutting hair is just not in my skill set, and their fragile self-esteem is far too sensitive a matter to leave in the hands of doinks like me.

  34. Susan

    OMG, I am f’ing dying here! You kill me.
    A few years ago, I decided to even out my (then) 9yo son’s hair. Just a few clips here and there, to hold him over until we could get to the barber.
    I got the “smart” idea to use the clippers. An instrument I had never used before in my life.
    My husband said I wasn’t out on that porch thirty seconds when he heard a gasp and then an, “Oh, SHIT. JOE, COME HERE QUICK!”
    I had totally shaved bald one side of my child’s head.
    My husband attempted to even it out the rest of the way, but it was a lost cause. I actually wrote a letter to my son’s teacher, explaining what I’d done and BEGGING her to let him wear his baseball cap in class the remainder of the week. Thank GOD she was sympathetic and she did.
    My son hasn’t let me take a clipper or scissors to his poor little head since. And honestly, it’s better that way.
    BTW, those pictures of your dog had me ROLLING.

  35. Brandi

    I tore up my husband’s hair one time, a million years ago when we were newly married. I put the wrong guard on and plowed a big chunk of hair out. I ended up having to shave it all off after that and he looked like a cancer patient when I was finished. Never again. Ever.

  36. Carmen

    man, people tell me alllll the time how much money they save by cutting their kid’s hair, and how I should totally try it, because, after all, it’d be a huge savings for me.
    Uh, no. Just.NO.
    I don’t even do my own color. ‘Nuff said.

  37. Elizabeth

    Evil scissors!
    That is why my hair is practically gone now.
    My husband, on the other hand, does his own hair with the clippers. It drives me nuts! He cant see the back of his head, so that part is never right. I try to clean it up, but I WISH he would just go to the damn barber!

  38. Brandi

    You honestly tell a story like no one else I have ever known. I was laughing so hard I was crying. My husband thought someone had died when he came in and the tears were flowing.
    That pic of the dog….oh my!
    P.S. Found you via Robyn. Not some crazy stalker…I promise. :)

  39. owlhaven

    How hilarious. I just had a bad hair episode myself..well, since it is on my head I am desperately trying to convince myself it is NOT bad.
    Mary, mom to many

  40. Mrs. Flinger

    So, first, I’ll have to kick the ass of the person who told me I had to come here and read you because you are hilarious. I blame her for my not showering, my “OH MY GOD SHE IS SO FREAKING FUNNY” and not getting anything (read: anything) done.
    Thank you for being an amazing writer. Seriously. I think I haert you. NO! I wanna be you when I grow up.
    I’ve done this. My poor child’s first hair cut was so horrid, it was crooked for months. The worst part? This started in Preschool for me when, you know, I couldn’t cut a straight line and had to stay back from recess to practice CUTTING. I should know better. And yet, I don’t. (She’s still adorable)

  41. wordnerd

    God I cannot stop laughing! This is the best. I swear. Hands down.
    It also brought back memories of my mom trying to save a few bucks by trimming my bangs — and that’s way, way before the 80′s asymmetrical haircuts were in fashion.
    Still laughing…

  42. Jen

    The worst hair cut I ever gave myself was the summer before 7th grade. I wanted bangs so bad, I cut them myself. By the time I was done “making them even” I had about an inch, inch and a half of bangs (in length!). I wanted to die. The horrible part was, about half way through I started crying because I KNEW I was fucking them up, but I kept at it. It’s some kind of problem for me (I still try to cut my bangs and STILL mes them up). My 7 year old has inherited my horrible problem; in less then a month, he has cut his hair twice (once with a shaver he found that was hidden because of the last time he cut his hair, and once in school with scissors AFTER the first cut was starting to grow out). Not to mention the fact he shaved a strip down his little brother’s head AND the carpet. Since my husband is in the military and likes his head shaved (ha, the only cut I can do!) I look like I’m married to/raising a family of skinheads!

  43. Margaret

    Through similar experience (I spared the dog though) my children learned to answer the question, “Who cuts our hair?” “A licensed professional. Not Mommy.”
    You story made me laugh and laugh! Thanks!

  44. Sarah

    Remember how you said you might want to go to college? And then remember how you said you like to cut hair? Maybe you should consider pursuing this?

  45. Tonya

    That is funny! Yes, you must. resist. lure. of. scissors…
    The last time I wanted to cut my own hair was when I was in Iraq. It seemed like it would be a good idea, because, on tv and movies, it is always sooo cute when someone cuts their own hair. But, I resisted and got an intervention for myself. I had the only other female in camp cut it for me. Luckily, she did a good job. (She used to have a gay room mate who cut hair and picked up a few pointers.)

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