Paint Hate (Unedited version: Mistakes ahead.)

Yesterday, I told my husband that I hated him.
My exact words were as follows. “You know, I love you, but when we paint? I hate you.”
It sounds so horrible and harsh, but you’ve never painted with my husband.
Ever since he got his bonus, we’ve “discussed” what we should do with the money. When you give Perpetually Broke people a check for $1,500, it’s as if you’ve handed them a check for one million dollars and the possibilities seem endless.
“We could take a cruise! Or buy furniture! Or go out for a nice meal at Chilis! AWESOME BLOSSOM, EXTRA AWESOME! Or! Or! Or! We could blow it all on a crazy weekend of bowling, Fuddruckers, smoothies!”
After much conversation and fantasizing about what to do with our WAD OF CASH, we decided it was time to give our teenage son his own bedroom, so we headed to IKEA with the intention of buying him a new bed and dresser.
Surprisingly, the trip to IKEA went smoothly and we agreed on a bed, dresser and a few accessories without a single argument or Flipping of The Fingah. The next day, I picked out a comforter and the color of paint. (Yes, he lets me make the important decisions, but trust me, it’s only so that if they turn out to be bad decisions, he can turn to me, point and say “HEY, YOU’RE THE ONE WHO PICKED IT OUT!”)
I wanted to do a dark gray, PigHunter wanted to do a dark blue. I compromised and got a dark gray/blue paint that we both ended up loving. (See? I am The Great Uniter! The Compromiser Extraodinaire!)
Five minutes after we began to “prep the room” the HATRED began. You see, my husband is a good man. A good man whom I love deeply, but anytime we do a project together that involves paint, nuts, bolts and /or power tools, he becomes this passive aggressive know it all jerk who uses every chance he gets to remind me that I DO NOT KNOW MORE THAN HE DOES ABOUT SUCH THINGS.
When I am right about something, he’ll flat out refuse to acknowledge that I was right and will say stupid things like “I’m NOT going to argue with you about this. If you want to argue, that’s your problem, but I refuse to argue about this any longer.”
To which I respond with something a little or EXACTLY like this “ASS!!!”
I’ll admit that the things we argue about are STUPID and that the things which I want him to give me credit for are ridiculous. Example.
Me: “I DID stir the paint, I’ve BEEN stirring it for 10 minutes. I am not stupid! Why would you assume that I DIDN’T STIR THE PAINT? I DEMAND THAT YOU TAKE IT BACK AND ACKNOWLEDGE THAT I STIRRED THE PAINT!”
Him: “I refuse to argue about this.”
Me: “I’m not arguing! You accused me of not stirring the paint and I TOTALLY stirred the paint! YOU BETTAH RECOGNIZE!”
Him: (rolling his eyes, because, you know, I’m so immature and he’s SO above arguing.) “I told you, I’m not going to argue, woman.”
It’s that attitude that makes me HATE HIM when we paint together.
Don’t hate… just shut your mouth and PAINT.
How can I say that about the man that I love? Seriously, I LOVE HIM. And awwww, look at us, how cute we are together, all in love and stuff.

But that is because we hadn’t attempted to paint anything together that day.
When we paint together, it looks a little more like this…

I’m not placing all of the blame on him. I’m no joy to work with either. I have a chip on my shoulder (I’m not stupid! I know how to paint! I may not have a college degree, but I know that I need to stir the damn paint!) and I overreact to pretty much EVERYTHING. As much of a jerk as he can be when we do project together, I actually feel sorry for him, because I truly am psychotic in the “home improvement” environment.
Day One wasn’t too bad. We had a few arguments, but overall, we got through it without too much emotional damage.
But Day Two. OMG. DAY TWO.
I thought we should start the day off with a little fun, so we went bowling. Then, Tony decided that we should go to “Fuddruckers” for lunch, because we had never been there and because he “always leaves Rubios feeling hungry.” (Because, Rubios was MY suggestion for lunch.)
We ordered our food and IMAGINE MY HORROR when the lady was all “Ok, that will be FORTY DOLLARS.”
Forty dollars? FOR BURGERS?
Oh hell naw.
I know, I shouldn’t care! We are rich! HE GOT A BONUS! But, that’s insane to me. BURGERS SHOULDN’T COST $40!!!
When she told me the total, my head whipped around, I looked at my son and son “OH MY GOD, I AM SO PISSED. Go tell your dad that I am pissed.”
The woman at the register was like “OH-KAY, psychotic mother in the house!”
When I first got to the table, Tony was all “HAHAH you’re pissed!” But 5 minutes after hearing me bitch and moan, he was all “Take it outside, woman. Chill out, for reals. Yeah, that was a lot for burgers, but it’s not the end of the world.”
Do I need to tell you that the rest of the day kinda sucked? And that when we finally got home and busted open the paint, that ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE?
He was mad. I was mad. The kids were like GROW UP Y’ALL. (Which, (YOU GROW UP, CHILDREN OF MINE. GROW UP AND BUY YOUR OWN DAMN FURNITURE ALREADY.)
At one point, he started “bossing me around.” (See! I AM grown!) and commanded me to start taking the clothes out of what is now Ethan’s room and hanging them in Andrew’s closet. I gave him an attitude at first (“I’ll hang them up after you are done, WHY I GOTTA DO IT NOW?”) but I finally agreed to meet his demand and went to start taking the clothes out of the room.
As I picked up a pile of shirts, I heard a huge CRASH and looked up to see the TV, that Tony had carelessly placed on top of a pile of clothes, had flipped over and hit the wall, putting a giant hole in the wall.
He flipped the hell out and blamed me.
Me! Who was just doing what he had asked and had done nothing wrong whatsoever! It wasn’t my fault that he put the TV in an UNSTABLE place.
Yelling, fingerpointing and blame ensued until I finally snapped and said “You either admit that you were wrong for putting the tv there and that this was NOT my fault, or… I’M LEAVING! FOR THE REST OF THE DAY!”
“HA! Where are you going to go?”
“I’ll go somewhere! (SNAPS) now, say it wasn’t my fault!”
“I don’t have time for this nonsense!”
I lost my shit. I threw the clothes that were in my hand up in the air whilst shouting “OMG. I’M OUTTA HERE!!!”
(A little advice. If you ever decide to go all dramaqueen and declare that you are leaving, make SURE that you don’t have to pee before saying it, because, man, having to come back home after only 7 minutes so that you don’t piss your pants is pretty damn embarrassing , even after you give your “I’m only back because I love my son and want to get his room finished” speech, you end up looking like a pathetic loser.)
The good news is that we FINISHED. The room is painted, the furniture assembled and my son has his own room.
The bad news? We’re painting Ethan’s room next weekend and blame for the hole in the wall has yet to be claimed.

48 thoughts on “Paint Hate (Unedited version: Mistakes ahead.)

  1. culotte

    Girlfriend. I’ve been refreshing this damn site all day long waiting to hear about the camera.
    Are you getting The Camera or not? Or is this money going towards fighting over painting the kid’s bedroom?

  2. The Other Laurie

    Christ, woman.
    I go MENTAL when I have to do ANYTHING around the house that involves BOTH of us. MEN. TAL.
    I did the whole painting of rooms thing a few months back and after day two, he would NOT help anymore. Why? Because I had taken a paintbrush and painted the back of his sweatshirt with one big BROWN stroke because he was talking way too much shit about my abilities to make the paint EVEN!!!
    I had to finish that shit by myself and let me tell you, that sucks ASS!
    Painting SUCKS!

  3. Y

    HAHA!
    I think that I AM going to get the camera. $500 has been safely tucked away and I’m currently “researching” which is the best one for “our family.”
    I still have to save a bit, $500 isn’t enough, but, I think that I’m over The Guilt. THANK YOU INTERNET.

  4. lindsay

    um at least you knew to stir the paint, me not so much. needless to say I NEVER paint, and that’s fine by me :-).

  5. something blue

    My husband and I become insane people when we paint. It is not a good activity for couples. No, we will never own a painting business. Our bedroom remains half done since 2002, for the sake of our relationship.

  6. B.J.

    oooo he does look assholerery in that birdie pic (which I heart). Make the boys bond with him over Ethans room and take a girls day out to Rubios!

  7. zorgon

    Oh all these years I thought we were the only couple in the world that painted that way … Thank you Y for showing us we’re not alooooooooooone!

  8. Nina

    I know everything, and my husband knows that, so he backs down during almost every argument. We can’t even go to WalMart without fighting like that, so painting? Well, we just don’t talk to each other during things like that.
    Also, Fuddrucker’s does think their burgers are good, huh? For just 2 of us it was over $25. I about died. The good part is, the nearest one is over 100 miles away…the bad part? My picky-eater-husband loved it.

  9. Manda

    Ha! Your husband reminds me so much of my father. He can be an ass sometimes. My husband on the other hand is not really like this. He is so anal retentive about things like this, and my attitude is more on the “But, Honey! You do such a good job by yourself!”. Needless to say our house looks professional even if it did take 3 months to paint the nursery.

  10. starrynite

    Tut, when will men learn that women are always right? It’s really not a difficult concept, you would have thought they would have mastered it by now. Lol.

  11. jules

    You think painting together is bad? Try hanging wallpaper-one of you (pighunter, I’m sure) will end up dead!

  12. Kristi

    Oh man reminds me of all the times my “ex” and I did household things together. Jesus, I have the dramaqueen thing down to a T. Great post Y.

  13. mrsgryphon

    The ONLY time my husband and I fight involves home improvement tasks. So, your weekend and my weekend were very similar!!

  14. She

    *shakes head side to side like an angry mad woman* Oh no he didn’t, girlfriend! No he didn’t!!!
    Excuse me as I wipe the tears from my eyes, I’m crying I’m laughing so hard!

  15. Carmen

    Oh, Y, we take the SAME pics of our husbands. I flip mine the bird alllll the time, when we try to work together.
    This was a priceless glimpse into our parallel lives!

  16. Kristie

    Y, for you and your husband, it’s painting. For me and my husband, it is attempting to hang pictures together. Because we start out all optimistic, about how we will decorate our home together, like the lovebirds we are, but by the end I’m giving him the silent treatment because he is a total moron and I’m thinking a life sentence is prison would be worth it if it means I can ram the effing tape measure and level through his ear and into his brain. Unfortunately, we are a military family and therefore move about every eleven minutes, so we have to hang pictures together … a LOT.
    (sigh) Why do men not understand???

  17. lipstickface

    My husband and I have been painting – (and fighting) – in our house all month. I even through the stepladder at him at one point I took it to that level. We can not paint together. Its misery. We just argue the whole time.
    I was choking I was laughing so hard reading this post. Then I reread it to my husband. It made us feel better to know we arent the only ones that turn painting a room into a no holds barred battle of the spouses.
    Thank you.

  18. Beccaface

    For us, it’s driving. We can handle long road trips, but if it’s just going to dinner with friends like yesterday, he will rationalize aloud why he has taken the route he has taken, and why it is superior to other ways (read:mine) you can get to the restaurant, and then he will proceed to wonder, in detail, what other ways he can get to where we’re going. It usually results in “STOP PONTIFICATING AND DRIVE THE DAMN CAR!”

  19. Amy

    Oh.my.Lord. Is this what I have to look forward to?? My boyfriend does the whole “I don’t argue” thing. I’m scared Y. Really scared…Last night I tried to argue with him about whether he made fun of me when I farted. He refused to partake. It seemed okay then, but someday, when I flip the TV off the kids’ clothes…what then!?!?!

  20. goodthingscomin

    Ok ok, I should add this. I painted my son’s bedroom a few months ago. I didn’t stir the paint. Why didn’t you post this THEN? Anyways, I did the majority of the painting on my own. I had just finished painting the top part of the room when I was climbing off the ladder and planted my butt right onto the wet paint on the wall (by accident!). Of course, that startled me! I jumped off the ladder and landed with one foot in the paint tray that I had set only moments before onto the floor. Again, startled, I jumped onto the other foot which was not in the paint tray and landed on the claw of my hammer. I should have been drinking…

  21. Belinda

    Oh, yeah: And? You don’t EVEN gotta stir that paint anyway, not even a little bit, because that automatic shaky thingy they put it on at the store after you buy it? Keeps it mixed for WEEKS. I have painted a cumulative 15,000 square feet of walls, between two houses, this spring, and I KNOW THESE THINGS.

  22. barnmouse

    *OMG* Are you sure we’re not married to the same man?! When my hubby and I do a project together, he turns into “The Foreman” and I am the “Gopher Slave” meaning I’m the one that has to run inside/outside, downstairs/upstairs, or get this or that and he’s the one that sits there and basically delegates! I’m definitely trying your “I’m outta here!” trick (will pee before leaving) to see if it works!
    Love the blog!!! :)

  23. Nancy

    Kinda makes me really happy that my bathroom floor reno was a singular affair. Besides, if I had tried to fit another human in that tiny bathroom, someone was NOT leaving alive!

  24. Velma

    For us, it’s driving. He turns into Psycho Highway Combat Warrior, and I turn into Dithering Idiot Who Keeps Overshooting Every Turn.

  25. Itchy

    My husband and I decided to install a swimming pool. It sounded easy enough. We can do things ourselves. By the end of the evening we weren’t speaking to one another. Then, we’d slowly start talking…until the word pool was mentioned. Then fighting would break out in the streets. Cursing and name calling would ensue. It was dirty and it was ugly. And it was stupid. Much like most “do it yourselves project fights.” But at least yours is entertaining! :)

  26. Jennifer

    OMG-are you sure that we weren’t separated at birth? I tend to do the same thing to Husband when he turns into King Assmunch. We CAN’T do anything remotely associated with home improvement together-and I don’t have the brains to leave in a dignified way that you did (if only for, um, seven minutes). I would manage to lock myself out and THEN remember that my keys are inside. Happy to hear that the room is done.

  27. dana michelle

    This extemely hiLARious post hit close to home to me. In preparation for our October marriage, my fiance and I remodeled 2 rooms in his house this summer. Painted the walls and painted and installed all new woodwork and doors in the master bedroom, and gutted the bathroom down to the studs and had all new everything installed. And fought more in 2 months than we have in the previous 9 years!
    But we didn’t kill each other (yet), so it’s all good. Right?
    I’m so glad to hear that you and all the other commenters have gone through this too. That must mean that we’re normal.
    I’m moving there in a week and a half.
    Pray for me!!!!
    P.S. The TV incident was SO not your fault, and Pighunter needs to acknowledge that. The “I’m not going to argue with you” card is a total copout!!
    Good luck with Ethan’s room :)

  28. Tara

    OMG, that was hilarious. My hubby & I have painting down to a science–I tape off the trim, he pours the paint and keeps us supplied with rollers and brushes, and we split the walls between us. Then we turn on loud music and have at it.
    When it comes to more complicated home improvement, construction-y or maintenance-type stuff (changing electrical outlets, installing a tile backsplash, installing 50-piece hardware-mounted safety gates, etc.), I am in charge. My husband has realized that I am good at that shit, way better than he is. But also, if something goes wrong, he’s more than happy to be able to blame me. (or at least sit back smugly, knowing that I know that I fucked up and can’t blame HIM–this cracks him up to no end)

  29. Jen

    My husband and I can’t do anything together. For example, we had an altercation over mulch. MULCH. I pulled out all the weeds (because “that’s the woman’s job”) in the flowerbeds. I went out and bought 4 bags of mulch just to get a rough idea of what we’ll need. I decided 8 more bags would finish the job, but wanted to get 10 to be safe. He decided he’d A) find a place that sells it in bulk and B) ask a friend to use his truck. Ok, in a normal relationship, that’s a good idea. Last year I waited ALL DAMN YEAR for him to do that so I could put lava rocks down. Obviously it never got done so I told him “Look, I know how you are, just go buy the damn mulch in the bags. We don’t need two big scoops of mulch. Just buy the mulch.” After two days of arguing over bulk vs. bags, I won and my flowerbeds are done. I thank God we aren’t allowed to paint in our rental, us painting together would probably end up in divorce (or murder).

  30. clumsyraine

    Oh, man… like several other commenters, for DH and I it’s driving in unfamiliar locations (such as our vacation to San Antonio this past March.) I’m the driver, but I tend to panic when I’m in uncharted territory, and in typical male fashion, he cannot read a map to save his life. So he freezes up and gets mad at me for panicking, and I get mad at him because he can’t/won’t read the map correctly (or at all), and then we drive around forEVER until I finally figure out how to get where we’re going, at which point he usually thinks I’m wrong (because the map he’s not looking at spoke to him, I guess?). Ugh.
    We live in an apartment, and haven’t had to paint anything yet… but thanks, now I know what the future holds!

  31. PaintingChef

    Home improvements are DANGEROUS… why is that? My husband and I fight like a couple of drunk rednecks as soon as the paint chips or the tools find the balls to show their faces. He’s all… “TOO EXPENSIVE!!” and I’m all “CASH NAZI!!!”
    Sucks.

  32. Redneck Mommy

    This my dear friend is why I banish my husband when it comes to decorating or redecorating the house.
    I’ll drywall, mud, sand, prep, paint, set up furniture and clean all by my damn self if only to avoid having to extract my foot from my husband’s ass.
    Because YOU know that’s where I’m inevitably going to not so gently place it as he acts like an ass.

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