Part Two: The Interview

A few weeks before BlogHer, Leah had asked me if I’d be willing to do a video interview for Alpha Mom. I was excited, because no one EVER asks me for interviews (I mean, why would they? Seriously? What am I going to talk about? Aerobic Dancing?)
We tried to make plans to meet somewhere for the interview, but it never worked out, so I was all “Let’s do it at BlogHer!”
Next thing I know, I’m scheduled for a 3:30 interview in Leah’s hotel room.
I was nervous. Very nervous. For one, there’s the whole weight issue. (OMG! THE CAMERA ADDS 10 POUNDS!) Then, the fact that I spit when I talk whilst excited (Don’t believe me? Ask Amy! Also? I fart when overstimulated (Don’t believe me? Lassa or Jen how many times I excused myself to go “rip one” on the balcony.) But mostly, I was nervous about not having anything intelligent or insightful to say.
When I arrived at the hotel, I was met by Alpha Mom Herself, Isabel Kallman (Love.Her. FO FUH-KEENG!), a camera man whose name I forgot, Leah and Jesus!
Jesus, the makeup arteest.
I was shocked to find out that there would be a “professional makeup artist” taking care of my face painting needs. Knowing that my makeup would be done by a professional put me somewhat at ease because at least I’d look SMASHING if I accidently let one rip.
Jesus invited me to sit on the toilet (WHAT?! No chair with my name on it?!) so that he could make me pretty. As I sat there, talking with him, asking him for makeup tips (because LORD KNOWS I NEED THEM.) I have to admit that I felt so special.
And I wanted to cry.
Here’s an excerpt from an email I sent to Isabel yesterday.
(OMG! CHEESE ALERT! CHEESE ALERT! FOR IT IS CHEESY)
I’ve never felt very smart, I’ve always struggled with feelings of “not being good enough.” I often feel as though good things happen to everyone else and that good things don’t happen to me because I simply don’t deserve them.
Being apart of the interviews made me feel like I was part of something really special and my God, it felt good. I wanted to cry as I was sitting there having my makeup done because I felt so damn special.

I know it’s cheesy and that you may have just thrown up in your mouth a little when you read that, but that’s how I felt.
I BLAME JESUS. With his pretty eyelashes and soft hands. JESUS MADE ME CRY!
After the makeup was done, the camera man showed me how to put on my mic (OMG! I got to wear a mic! Just like the kids from The Real World do!)and I took my seat next to Leah. I was more terrified then ever because OH MY GOD I WAS WEARING A MIC! And there were lights! And a camera! And *pfffffffffrattata* YOU WANT ME TO GIVE YOU A HOT PARENTING TIP?
I’m not going to give away the questions, or the answers. You’ll have to wait to see them, BUT! I will tell you that at one point in the interview, Leah asked me about my Aerobic Dancing and I was overcome with so much excitement that my mouth started to water, I jumped up out of my seat, kicked the chairs out of the way and was all “WANT ME TO SHOW YOU THE MONKEY?”
I can’t blame “the liquor” because it was only 4 in the afternoon and I hadn’t even had a drink yet. That was ALL ME, people. I can’t help it, I’m obsessed (and perhaps, also posessed) with The Aerobic Dance.
The most akward part of the interview was when we had to stare at each other for the “fade out.” The first time, I looked away and they were all “We have to stare for the fade out.” And I was like “ARE YOU SERIOUS?”
They were totally serious.
Oh! Oh! And then? GET THIS! We had to do these “fake nod” shots. People! FAKE.NOD.SHOTS.
I’m pretty sure it went a little something (or quite possibly EXACTLY) like this.
Camera man: Give me a “Funny” nod
Me:
Camera man: Um, ok, now give me a “surprised nod”
Me:
Camera man: Now, give me a “serious” nod.
Me:
HA! HA! HA! HA! And also “OMG! This is going to be on Alpha mom!”
Had someone told me that I’d have to be doing a little bit of “acting”, I would have brushed up on my TOTALLY NON EXISTENT acting skills.
As soon as the interview is up, I’ll pass the link along to you, because you KNOW you can’t wait to see it.
(But, um, there’s always the chance that I’ll “forget” to tell you about it.)
Stay tuned for Part Three: The Accidental Drunk.

23 thoughts on “Part Two: The Interview

  1. chris

    Yvonne,
    you were the perfect choice for one of the interviews and I am so happy for you. Because you are so smart and funny, and smoking HOTT.
    I should probably have put a cheese alert on my comment, huh 😉 But I mean every word of it.

  2. Heather B.

    Ummm would you like some multimedia action for your part 3??? I’m trying dude. I am!
    P.S. you’re adorable. Have you ever heard that before? Cause you are.

  3. reluctant housewife

    You are one of the funniest writers I’ve ever read. I’m not only saying this because you’re my friend. (Wait! I’m not your friend! We’ve never even met! But I feel like I know you! Such is the power of you writing skillz.)

  4. lindsay

    seriously – i have checked your site like 30 bazillon times today just to read this post. and i loved it. can’t wait to read more.

  5. buzz

    Good lord, Yvonne, you do crack my shit SO up!! I’m glad they chose you to do an interview. You are so amazing!!
    *Wipes brown off of nose and moves along*

  6. leahpeah

    Y – you totally rocked the interview. (cameraman was mario.) your personality is so awesome and funny. oh, and you are HOT. and you know moxie in sd? i LOVE moxie! (why didn’t she come to blogher?) (and what happened to her blog?) i felt no spit nor smelled no gas during said interview. man, i wish i would have been able to walk around in your shadow all weekend because it sounds like all the fun parties were wherever you were…..
    we don’t live that far away. we must find a way to get together. i want to learn your sexxy ways.
    and the nodding. i know, right?
    ps. the post you just did about your daughter totally made me bawl. stop doing that!

  7. LisaK

    Y,
    I’ve been a lurker for a long time and have never commented to ANY blog yet, but this post was the funniest thing ever. I think you are the first blog I ever found and learned what blogging even was! Can’t wait for Part 3…

  8. Her Bad Mother

    The Jesus Experience (‘you have beeyootiful ey-eeees’), in those interviews, was matched only by the amazing Leah Experience.
    I can’t believe that we didn’t get a chance to connect at BlogHer! You crack me up! Why didn’t I get that live?

  9. jen

    Personally, and I don’t even think you realize this, but you were the Belle of the Ball.
    I’m a girl who admits to many bad, dare I say “potent” truths, so you know I am not blowing smoke (heh) up your ass. I speak the truth.

  10. Maria

    If your responses in the interview were similar to your blog, then you rocked it.
    And I bet you looked HAWT too.

  11. Itchy

    I can’t be the only person that also practiced the nods along with the story am I?!??! Show of hands people! :)
    Thanks for sharing all of your experiences with us Y! I love it.

  12. kim

    Y you really, really crack me up! your writing is SO FUNNY. grinning through the whole post, but what made me laugh out loud?
    I BLAME JESUS. With his pretty eyelashes and soft hands. JESUS MADE ME CRY! – this is AWESOME!
    can’t wait for more and you BETTER post the link once the interview is out!

  13. Mom101

    Whatever advertising they might do to promote this video thingie when it goes up…I’d tell them to give the ad budget to you instead and simply point people towards joy unexpected. I mean, I want to see this more than Superman!

  14. Lisa

    Honestly, I cannot wait for your interview. I think you were a perfect choice and I so admire you for getting up there and aerobic dancing, because I would’ve been a nervous wreck and bore-ing.
    Can’t wait for Part 3!!

  15. lena

    You’re the most authentic girl on the INTERWEB sweetpea. That’s why we love you.
    And that’s why Jesus loves you.

  16. minnie

    i am sitting here at my desk at work trying out these fake nods you speak of.
    it really has a lot to do with eyebrow position.

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