BlogHer: Part one of quite possibly 8 parts.

My husband never calls in sick for work. He’s an incredibily dedicated employee. (Unlike myself, whose sick time was in the NEGATIVE when I quit after 14 years of employment.) When suggested that he call in sick on Friday so that he could watch the kids for me while I was on my way to San Jose to “learn more about blogging”, he almost threw up.
After a little begging, he agreed to do it. Luckily, he got “severe cramps” and “felt like he had to poop.” I say “luckily” because he was feeling bad about himself for lying and the cramps and poop made him feel as though calling in sick was totally justified.
We woke G-Unit up, got her dressed, rushed out the door at 5:30 (IN THE MORNING!) and headed out to pick up Amy. You see, Amy was The Lucky One who got to fly to San Jose with me. And when I say “Lucky” I mean, totally not lucky at all because traveling with me is a horrifying experience. Horrifying because I freak the hell out about everything because I am paranoid because I always think bad things are going to happen because I always think that I lost something.
And then there’s the whole “I have to pee every 2 minutes” thing.
This is me, traveling.
“OH MY GOD! I THINK I FORGOT MY WALLET!”
“OH MY GOD! MY TICKET! I THINK I FORGOT IT!”
“OH MY GOD! I HAVE TO PEE AGAIN EVEN THOUGH I’VE ALREADY PEED 3 TIMES IN THE PAST 20 MINUTES BUT OMG! WHAT IF THEY START TO BOARD THE PLANE WHAT SHOULD I DO?!”
“OH MY GOD! I WANT A COFFEE, BUT THAT WILL MAKE ME HAVE TO PEE AND STUFF AND OMG! SHOULD I JUST DRINK TEA?”
“OH MY GOD, I THINK I LOST MY PHONE EVEN THOUGH I HAVE NO REASON TO THINK THAT OTHER THAN I HAVEN’T FREAKED OUT IN THE LAST 3 MINUTES AND I NEED SOMETHING TO FREAK OUT ABOUT.”
See? Lucky Amy, indeed!
I waited until we were on the plane to mention that I’m TERRIFIED of flying, but lucky for everyone on that plane, the flight was smooth and turbulence free. (For had it not been, I would have been forced to scream out “Oh Jesus please save us!” whilst bursting into “OMG! We’re going to die” tears of fear. And if you think I’m lying, you can ask my dad who once said that I become “very spiritual” on airplanes.)
(Apparently, I’m in love with the word “lucky” today. Lucky internet!)
Once we arrived in San Jose, we made a mad dash for the ground transportation area so that we could find the free hotel shuttle. (A free shuttle! Lucky us!) We waited for a few minutes when a minivan pulled up ready to take us to the hotel. However, on our way out of the airport, he made another stop to pick up another group of people.
I have a confession. The shuttle driver asked us to move to the back so that the people could get into the van and I ignored him because I was all “WE WERE HERE FIRST! WE GET DIBS ON THE SEAT AND I REFUSE TO MOVE TO THE BACK!” I got out so that he could lift the seats and the other people could hop on into the van.
The back of the van.
I heard one of the girls in the back say that she was here for a blogging convention.I whipped my head around and was all “So are we!” Then, I realized, to my horror, that the woman that I had made crawl into the back of the van was Motherhood Uncensored and I felt like the biggest asshole in the world because I MADE A PREGNANT LADY CRAWL INTO THE BACK OF THE VAN!
(That the first of many times that I’d feel like a giant asshole that weekend.)
(A minivan full of bloggers, LUCKY SHUTTLE DRIVER!)
Once we arrived at the hotel, I immediately began frantically scanning the place for bloggers and also friends. The first person I saw was Jen. I have no idea why, but I expected her to be loud and hyper, but strangely, she was quiet and calm. Unlike me, who was all “OMG! Jen! DANCE OFF BIOTCH.” (Because, you know how I get overly excited very easily? Yeah.) She was like “Yeah, um, can I get a room first and then we’ll talk about that dance off” (Only, she didn’t really say that, but I’m pretty sure she was thinking it.)
We made our way to our room at the GHETTO HOTEL, put our stuff down and decided to go back out and see if we couldn’t find some bloggers to hug and stuff.
We found the conference hall and I was immediately rushed by a bunch of screaming fans.
HA! HA! I’m lying! No one even knew who we were. We were all walking around like “Um, where do we go and where are all of the bloggers that we know and OMG! THERE ARE GIANT BAKE POTATOES AND ARE WE ALLOWED TO EAT THEM?”
Finally, I saw someone that I knew. OMG! JENN!, then OMG! ZOOT then OMG! Lisa Stone! then OMG! Lena! then “OMG! GRACE DAVIS!
It was insane. There was hugging and screaming and “OMG”ing and laughing and (silent farting because OMG! THE EXCITMENT!)
From the moment I had arrived at the hotel, I had been trying to call Amalah because she TOLD ME TO CALL HER to let her know when I arrived. She wasn’t answering and I was like “Oh hell no she isn’t going to ignore me.”
So, I kept calling and calling and she kept NOT answering and NOT answering. Then, this one time, there were all of these amazing women around me and we were talking and laughing and I tried calling again and as the phone was ringing, I felt someone brush up against me and I looked and it was Amalah standing right next to me and I was all “OMIGAWD! LOOK! I’M ON THE PHONE CALLING YOU! HOW CERAAAAZY IS THAT?”
Amy and I finally decided that we needed to eat because we were hungry and did I mention there were giant baked potatoes? Because there were giant baked potatoes.
And sourcream, and bacon and cheese and also? Fried chicken.
I have to admit, I felt completely self conscience about eating in front of all of these women who knew about my struggles with weight. I was like “If they see me eating a baked potato loaded with cheese and bacon, they’re going to be all ‘no wonder she’s still fat'” (And if you’ve seen the pictures, you know that I am still fat and that no! My stomach is NOT TONED NOR MUSCULAR.)
So, I cut the giant potato in half so as to not feel too bad about eating it, even though it killed me to watch the other half fall into the trash can.
(OMG! This is going to take forever, I haven’t even got to the part where we start drinking yet, I mean, I’m still writing about the first 20 minutes after arriving there! I am going to have to devide it into parts. This post will be part one. LUCKY YOU!)
As I was scarfing down my H-A-L-F of a baked potato, I got a text message that said these exact words “OMG. I saw you walk in but didn’t say hi.”
(I had only discovered that my cheap ass prepaid phone had text messaging capabilities and so I have to admit that the text messaging made me feel as though I was The Shit.)
I wrote back and was all “OMG, why didn’t you? And um, who’s this?”
It was HeatherB and so I freaked and was all “Where are you?” and she was all “by the pool.”
So, me and Amy left for the pool to find Heather. Once we got to the pool, I saw a group of women sitting by the pool and it struck me that I had NO IDEA what Heather looked like. So, because I am totally cool and know how to play things off, I stopped and pretended to be text messaging someone and I asked Amy if the women at the pool were looking at me. She was all “Um, I think so” and I was all “Crap, I have no idea what Heather looks like.” And I continued to pretend to be texting someone and she was all “Yeah, they’re looking at you.”
Then, I heard someone scream “YYYYYYVONNNNNNNEEEE.”
Next thing I know, Mir and Chris were running towards me. OMG! MIR! AND CHRIS! And, OMG! CARMEN!(Who did NOT AT ALL make me nuts, silly woman!)
I totally admitted that I was fake texting because I had no idea what Heather looked like and they’re all “NERD! Heather’s right there!”
Lucky for me, they knew her and I could stop the text messaging charade. (LUCKY!)
We stayed and chatted for a few minutes, then we had to head back to the room because I had been scheduled to do a video interview with Leah for Alpha Mom TV.
(Which. IMAGINE THAT. ME. DOING AN ON CAMERA INTERVIEW.)
I was extremely nervous about doing an on camera reason for many reasons.
a)My weight.
b)Um, gas.
c)I spit when I talk when I am excited. (Seriously, ask Amy. p.s. SORRY AMY.)
d)I am not very smart and um, what the hell do I know about anything really?
e)I do not know how to apply my makeup.
HOWEVER! When I got to the room, I was shocked to find out that my makeup was going to be PROFESSIONALLY DONE.
Me and Jesus.By a man named Jesus.
Jesus was pretty and he was gay and he thought I was cute. What more could I have asked for in a professional makeup artist? (Oh! I know! That he brush his teeth after he ate his lunch because I am sensitive to smell and I had to fight the urge to dry heave everytime he talked really close to my face.)
Now. The Interview. [Janice from friends voice]Oh.My.God[/Janice from friends voice.] People, I danced aerobically during the interview. Yeah.
I think I’ll make The Interview “Part Two” because a)I’m tired of typing b)G-unit woke up from her nap and is running around naked screaming c) I think my ass may explode any minute now (Which hahaha, wait til I tell you about the ass explotion in Amalahs hotel room.)
LUCKY AMY!

37 thoughts on “BlogHer: Part one of quite possibly 8 parts.

  1. Julianna

    OMG! haha! That is so something I would do (not move to the back and make someone sit in the back only to realize they were like specuial and pregnant and all of that).
    Seriously I have seen all the pix. the way you were describing it, i had a feeling you were larger than you appeared BUT seriously? No! I was looking! And you are smaller than you think!!!! Yes!!! Looking good! (this coming from the one who has mastered the clavicle push-out, waist-twist, leg-cross of photo-thin-ness.

  2. DeannaBanana

    LUCKY US!!!!
    I have been refreshing like a mad woman in anticipation of your play-by-play of BlogHer. Wheeee!
    Cant wait to hear about part two, so glad you had a flatulent good time Y!!!

  3. ambrosia

    you’re so entertaining – your entry sounds just as excited as you looked in all of the blogher flickr photos i’ve seen from practically everyone in the past few days. i’m looking forward to parts two through eight.

  4. WDC

    YAY! I love hearing about your trip. It sounds fab so far. Love it. Can’t wait for part 2.
    Sensitive to smell being a symptom of pregancy…wow…something to tell us?!

  5. Amy

    Yay Yvonne! You’re so lucky! Lucky to be my roommate! Ha! Seriously, thanks for the whole weekend, I had a fantastic time.

  6. Heather B.

    That was CLASSIC. You tell that story far better than I. And you were so much your charming, adorable, hilarious self and my god, the Jay Mohr stories and drinking wine. You have no idea how freaking excited I was to meet you. FINALLY!

  7. beanie's mama

    i’m w/Finy…i used to check in here and there, but damn if i didn’t check your site at LEAST 15 times today…
    patiently waiting for parts 2-8 *tapping fingers on desk*

  8. Y

    Oh man. The pressure! It’s almost as bad as the time I was pregnant with G-Unit and people kept refreshing hoping that I was in labor! ALMOST!

  9. lena

    Oh pretty girl. You are so freaking gorgeous and touchable. And YOUR BOOBS! My God! The boobs!
    Your personality rocks. So does your laugh. But I especially appreciated how you always made me feel better about being a drunk whore by double fisting it with me. Hollah!
    Next year we’re totally flying to Chicago together because I make grown men cry on planes with my freakouts! Yay for airplane wine!

  10. Mir

    Screaming your name poolside and making everyone else think I was a crazy person and making YOU nearly drop your phone and pee your pants was the highlight of my day. No lie.

  11. Leah

    You are such a great storyteller!! I’d much rather be reading this than working on lesson plans so hurry up with part two, woman! :)

  12. Karen Rani

    It was a pleasure to meet you – and you and Amy looked HAWT HAWT HAWT with your fancy shmancy make-up. Wish we could have talked longer! Next year, save a dance for me! Muah!
    Karen

  13. Jenn

    ACK….what a great post, ok where’s more?!?!?! I am waiting here…cant you see (or read rather) that we all want more?!?1
    Come-on woman, we dont have all year! 😉
    I love reading your blog, your soo fun, easy going and supper funny…I WANNA go to a fun convention for bloggers…LOL maybe when I get to be “big-blog-her” I will right now I’m just a “baby-blog-her” 😀

  14. kim

    this is by far the most exciting story about blogher i’ve read so far [and i’ve read a few] because dude, your excitement JUMPS at me reading it. it totally sounds like how i would be when it came to meeting all the cool chicks i’ve only known online so far [only that noone would know who i was really but i don’t care, i’d just try and speak with a really thick german accent to make people interested. HA!] – with the peeing and OMG!s and all the rest of it! can’t wait for part 2-8! :)

  15. Flipp-ay

    Oh man, I can’t believe you’re sleeping or something, when you could be writing more about your blogher experience for us. It makes me deliriously happy that you had fun.

  16. Lisa

    Holy shit, that was funny!
    I wish I could have gone because I would’ve loved to meet you. And Lena and Virenda. And Chris. But…I probably would have totally been shy and everyone would be pointing to me and thinking I was some sort of weird stalker.

  17. Carmen

    OH.MY.GOD.
    That was the MOST fun evah. Seriously, you kill me, and I’m agreeing that the Bobs were just amazing.
    Tapping my fingers here, waiting for parts 2-8, and I was there. So I know what happened, but I still want to hear your viewpoint. Cuz I KNOW it’s way funnier than mine.

  18. PK

    I could get all whiney and pathetic that three of my favorite people went to dinner. together! and I wasn’t there but I am stronger than that. I am so!
    I’m glad you and Amy had fun, and dammit! I’m gonna be just a little pathetic, eh?

  19. DebbieDoesLife

    Geez! You made me feel like I was right there!! Love the pics too. You look so awesome AND you are way prettier than Jesus. And, really how many people can say that?

  20. jenfromboston

    actually, what I was thinking was, “shit, what bullet in my arsenal can take down ‘The Worm’?” as at that point I’d been smack talking via text for so long. so that wasn’t calm, toots, that was me scrambling in the recesses of my mind to think of some moves.
    Not that we had the dance off, but later I accidentally discovred what *could* take down The Worm.
    And that, dear fans of Y, is The Fart.

  21. jen

    First time in MY LIFE I have been HIGH FIVED for passing gas.
    I blame the Period. Serious. Stomach was NOT having it.
    Also, I would like the TM on Drive By Farter.
    I don’t mean to brag, but I do know how to clear a halllway, eh?

Comments are closed.