Last night was The Return to Aerobic Dance Class.
I was told that the class started at 6:00, so in order to make sure to get “My Spot”, I arrived a half hour early. My cousin arrived at the same time. She also takes her Aerobic Dance very seriously.
Once we got inside, we took a look at the schedule and realised that the class was at 7:00! Not 6:00! My cousin was all “Well, we could workout while we’re waiting, lift some weights and stuff.”
I offered a completely different suggestion.
“True, true, we could do that, and we probably SHOULD do that, but, and hear me out on this, we could go get a smoothie!”
At first she looked at me like “Ho! We are trying to get in shape and lose weight (and by “we”, I totally mean “ME” because she doesn’t have an ounce of fat on her body.) and getting smoothies before Aerobic Dance is kinda dumb because we don’t be needin’ all of that sugar!” But then, she was all “Sure, why not.”
Well, a “Smoothie” turned into a “Chicken sandwich from ChickFilA.”
(I hadn’t eaten dinner. DO NOT JUDGE ME.)
When we got back, Anna was waiting by the door. I wanted to run up to her and throw myself upon her to thank her for returning from Russia because OH.MY.GOD, how I’ve missed her and her sweet
Instead, I just told her how happy I was to see her and how much I missed her over the summer. She told me that had been back for a month and that everytime she’d come to class, she was hoping I’d be there because (OMG!) She missed me. At that point, I had to refrain from spitting when I talked to her because I was so damn excited that my mouth was watering in an uncontrollable way.
The step class FINALLY ended and me and my cousin practically knocked bitches down trying to be the first ones in so that we could get our places at the front of the room.
We were “greeted” (but actually more like “ATTACKED”) by the Bitchy Step Class Wimmins. They were all “So, um, like we were thinking that we could do the sculpting class before the dance class because, like, we want to do sculpting now and if you have dance first, then we’ll have to wait until AFTER the dance class to do sculpting and like, we don’t want to wait and like, we also don’t want to take the dance class, so it just makes like, the most sense to switch the classes and like, we can all do sculpt class together and like, then you can totally do dance class!”
I was all like “UM, HELL NAW ON THAT.”
I was in the mood to fight and was getting ready to go off when
Crazy Ass Lady In All Black lost her shit. “I DON’T FUCKING THINK SO. You can’t be changing the schedule because it’s convenient for you.”
The Bitchy Step Class Wimmins weren’t expecting that response. No one knew what to say, until finally, a “Spokeswimmin” from the group emerged and It.Was.On.
Representative of the Step Class Bitches: “Well, hey we don’t want to wait and it just makes sense. Don’t be getting an attitude with me, lady.”
Crazy Ass Lady In All Black: “You’re not in charge here, you guys don’t have the power to change the schedule whenever it suits you. Screw that!”
Representative of the Step Class Bitches: “We didn’t think it’d be a big deal, calm down!”
Crazy Ass Lady In All Black: “Why don’t you get a job?”
Representative of the Step Class Bitches: “Excuse me? GET A JOB?
Crazy Ass Lady In All Black: “Yeah, you heard me right. GET A JOB IF YOU WANT TO BE THE BOSS, BECAUSE YOU SURE AS HELL AREN’T THE BOSS OF ME.”
Representative of the Step Class Bitches didn’t have a comeback, so she was all “Um… yeah, well… um, I bet YOU make a sucky boss!!”
At which point I lost it and started laughing hysterically because HAHHAHAHAHA WIMMINS BE FIGHTING ON THE AEROBIC DANCE FLOOR HAHAHHAHAHA.
Part of me wanted to interrupt and be like “Hey, why don’t we channel all of this anger and hatred into something more positive, something like An Aerobic Dance Off!!! but then, part of me was hoping it would escalate and there’d be a full on brawl because HAHAHHAHAH OLD WIMMINS IN SPANDEX FIGHTING AT THE GYM!!
Sadly, there was no dance off nor were any punches thrown as Representative of the Step Class Bitches had her ass handed to her in the War of Words and slowly backed out of the class.
Once the screaming match was over and everyone had composed themselves, Anna announced that we would not be doing “The Dirty Dance” until another night.
What? The Dirty Dance?!
Apparently, the week before, she did The Dirty Dance! And I missed it! She said that it was like “You know, how you say, Stripper moves?”
She made me a promise to teach The Dirty Dance again very soon. Oh, I can’t wait to record THAT DANCE for you.
The dance class itself was great. We did The Latin and this time? I nailed it. However, at one point during the class, I made the mistake of looking at myself in the mirror. I could see the fat jiggling on my arms and OH MY GOD, I’ve gained so much weight! My once semi toned arms and now lumpy chunks of fat. I became disgusted with what I saw and I wanted to run out of there and hide.
But! I didn’t! I kept going! As much as I wanted to quit and give into the ugly voices in my head, I didn’t. I mambo’ed and cha cha cha’ed my way through the class and at the end, I felt so proud of myself for getting back in the game, even though I’d much rather be curled up in a ball on the couch eating chocolate covered pretzels.
Last night was The Return to Aerobic Dance Class.