What “I’m FINE!” looks like

Pighunter made me cry last night. TWICE! Once because he was an ass, and once because he made me laugh so hard.

I was telling him about the depressing post that I wrote and how I used to write like that all of the time, but how I’m scared to publish posts like that now because people get annoyed and send me emails telling me to quit bitching and whining and appreciate the family that I have and so I write about farts and aerobic dancing instead because haha farts are funny and depression isn’t and how “I really need to to start writing light hearted posts about farts again.”
To which Pighunter responded with AND I QUOTE “Yeah, and you need to start going to the gym again too.”
To which I responded with “When was the last time you worked out… oh, um, let’s see, NEVER ONCE SINCE WE’VE BEEN MARRIED, so seriously, shut up! Don’t ever tell me that I need to go to the gym ever again! And you know what? I changed my mind, I hope you die first!”
To which he responded with “Sweetie! oh my God, you totally took it the wrong way. I was just trying to be helpful because you said you wrote about your weight and feeling bad and I know you feel so much better when you work out. I didn’t say that I think you’re fat, I was just trying to help you.”
Oh! I get it! Tough love! Kinda like the time Jay Mohr told me to “Lose the weight” and not to “make any excuses, not fucking one, just lose the weight.” And when I went off on him and was all “I AM NOT MAKING EXCUSES, I REALLY AM SICK AND SUCK IT.” He was all “I wasn’t trying to be a dick, I just know how happy you were when you lost the weight and I want you to be happy.”
(I do believe that was a drive by Name Dropping.)
I know that Pighunter was honestly just trying to help, but his choice of words came across as, I don’t know, asshole-ish? Like, “Get that fat ass to the gym, WOMAN.” You know?
He redeemed himself later by making me laugh so hard that I cried, even though he was totally making fun of me.
G-Unit was coloring on her little art easle and I was all “hey, can mommy color you a pretty picture?”
Now, you have to know that I truly SUCK at drawing. Honestly. I’m horrible. So, anytime I do color with the kids, I stick with the things that I am good at. And by “things” I mean “the dog” and “the flower” and um, even those aren’t very good. Especially “The Dog.”
So, after I had asked G-Unit if I could color her a picture, Tony shouted out “Let me guess! You’re going to draw the flower! OR THE DOG! HAHHAHAHAHHAHA”
Shit. He was right, I was totally going to draw the dog, but I couldn’t let him win, so I was all “NUHUH! I WAS GOING TO DRAW… THE MOUNTAINS! AND BIRDS! AND CLOUDS!”
He wouldn’t give it up. “Just admit it, you were going to draw the flower! Or the dog! hahahha!!”
I lost it. I seriously lost it. I layed on the ground and laughed until my stomach hurt because up until that point, I was completely unaware that he was onto my “Two Trick” art gig. OMG! He knew! And he had finally got the nerve up to call me out on it and mock me for it!
We laughed for what felt like an hour.
I know! It’s not really that funny to anyone but us because we are nerds!

The Dog!

The Flower!
And BONUS! The time I tried to paint my son a clown face!
Is that  a clown face or did your baby try to eat your lipstick?
I swear, I kinda hated him until he made fun of my non existent artistic skills. Then, it was just like that scene from Dumb and Dumber where Llyod rolls up on the scooter after he had that big fight with Harry and Harry was all “Just when I thought you couldn’t get any dumber, you go and do something like this… and totally redeem yourself!”
Laughter, even when directed at myself and my lameness, really is the best medicine.
P.S. I love you guys. Honestly and truly. Thank you for “being there” for me and for understanding.

43 thoughts on “What “I’m FINE!” looks like

  1. lindsay

    ah, the men and their tough love… seriously though, excercise can improve your mood (which I hate because i only run if being chased) and for me 45 minutes of walking the dog or doing a yoga class really helps. and we love you too, that is why we keep coming back!

  2. lena

    Hey, exercise CAN improve your mood! You know what else can? A ham and cheese panini! Make sure the cheese is broiled dark on top and bubbles before you take it out.

  3. Y

    And don’t forget curly fries with ranch!
    (I know he’s right and that working out makes me feel better and you know what? Maybe that’s why I’m in such a funk, because I haven’t worked out since the week before BlogHer, but when he said that to me, something snapped and I was like do NOT tell me anything Mr.NeverWorkedOutOnceEVER.)

  4. Itchy

    Men don’t have a clue how to soften the things they say and I know they mean well…
    My example: This is a secret so keep it on the DL, right? K…I’m coloring my hair for the first time evah this weekend. And I’m nervous about it and I was thinking of doing semi-permanent instead of permanent and the husband was like “Oh just go for it!” The way he said it made me immediately think that he hates my hair and thinks I’m ugly and just can’t wait for me to change it. They can’t win. He was just trying to help…
    However, your dog drawing is lovely. It’s very similar to how I draw a dog! :)

  5. RSM

    I love that you quoted Dumb & Dumber. One of my favorite parts of that movie is when the cop is beside them yelling “PULLOVER!” and he looks out the window and yells “No! It’s a cardigan! But thanks for noticing!”
    Hope you’re feeling better soon. I’ve been in a funk of my own. Looks like I’m gonna have to call so we can GOSSIP! w00000t.

  6. JesseeezMom

    My husband can eat anything seriously he TRIES to put on weight (he’s in construction), rarely when he eats desserts – its with fruit (uugghh) never chocolate. I love chocolate.
    My husband has said those same EXACT words to me- and he got the same EXACT response….at first.
    Something I finally figured out (he did a long time ago- but I was too stubborn to listen) is that not only do I feel better (physically a step in the right direction) after working out- but mentally it puts me in a good place too.
    Go work out and on your way home treat yourself to starbucks- YUM!!

  7. Heatherg

    Can you draw the dog in a field of flowers??
    That would be some real talent in my book, because i just tried to copy your dog and it was hard, and i dont think it really looks like a dog!
    I think ya gots talent girl!

  8. Lassa

    I hate how my husband ALWAYS has an answer for everything. Why can’t I just tell him how sucky I feel and have him say, “Aw honey, that sucks!” Nope, he has to be all, “Well you wouldn’t feel like that if you just made more of an effort to be less sucky. You need to do this, this, this and this.”
    MEN! I swear, you’d think they’d have figured us out by now…

  9. McShad

    I totally read that as he knows you feel better about yourself when you’re doing something about your weight, since there you were… talking about being depressed.

  10. Y

    Well, yeah, I can see that’s how he meant it now, but he doesn’t have the best delivery and also? I’m not the most reasonable person when I’m like this.
    I know. How DOES he live with me and still love me?

  11. Mom101

    Ooh, the poor menfolk, for they tread on a slippery slope with us anytime the weight thing comes up. I think it’s best that they always say “I love you how you are and you’re beautiful honey,” because even if we know they’re lying, it beats the alternative. (and your readers all love you how you are and you’re beautiful, honey. just so you know.)

  12. a Random Person

    heh. Silly men. When we need comfort, they try and solve our problems! and often with very blunt delivery and then say later “oh, tough love, baby! don’t be mad!”
    Though, I think, too, the minute the weight conversation comes up, they die a little on the inside, because there’s just NO good response.

  13. B.J.

    awww…the cheese! it is back! now with more funny!
    I heart Y.
    (and Pighunter for loving her enough to pay attention and catch on to the 2 pic move.)

  14. kimberlee

    Haaa! That puppy face reminds me of the way we girls used to draw cute animals on our folders in school.
    Guys always think they have to fix things, and they end up getting in shin-deep.

  15. Skatemom

    OMG, I can’t breathe, I’m laughing so hard. And my son is wondering what made his momma visit Crazy Town today. That’s hilarious!
    Gawd, I HATE when they know our secrets!
    And all my drawings are stick figures.

  16. Edie

    My Hunny once said to me, “It would be cool to take a bubble bath together but it would never work cause I’m height challenged (he’s 6’4) and you’re round challenged (was when i still weighed about 280) so we’d never both fit in the tub!” HA! It hurt my feelings because I was (am) very self concious about my weight but really – it was just the truth. It would have taken the jaws of life to pry us outta my tub if we’d squished into it, LMAO!
    “The Dog” and “The Flower” rock!

  17. Nina

    You know, my brother recently asked me: If you truly got everything you wanted out of life, how come you sound so damn miserable on your blog? I told him that my life RIGHT NOW just sucks…other than that, i’m perfectly happy. Depression sucks. No one really wants to read about it unless you’re really down in a way that you drown all 5 of your kids or whatever will cause a huge media sensation. But it happens. And there are more than a few of us here who know what you’re talking about and understand.

  18. Laura

    Hmmmm. I thought I had at least moderate artistic abilities my whole life, but then I noticed my flower is EXACTLY like yours and I draw it for my kids too. (I add some more petals though) and my dog (and every other animal I make) has that same type of eye and that big circle for the bottom portion of their face. What does that say about me?
    I can teach you how to draw a pig using 3 circles, oh yeah. I rock like that.

  19. Rachel

    I draw the exact same flower and my kids love it. I don’t know what it is, but for the last week me and a bunch of other women I know have been in a funk. Must be something in the air.

  20. julianna

    I agree with Rachel–something is in the air. i posted about the “thing that eats me alive day and night” (second wife assvice) in my blog like 3 days ago, but then i started to recover. Oh yes, this has been a week of allowing the completely crazy to pop out for a sec… and my totally irrational fears that would actually be theoretically possible (as opposed ot my fear that my husband would be stuck in O’Hare for all eternity,. I wrote about that too, completre to where he is living off stale fries and burried in a planter by a night janitor) which made them just THAT much worse (except he was never going to get one, but i just demanded that promise until I think I totally exasperated him with it LOL).

  21. sardogwill

    I have a tendency to get all cyberdyke when left to my own devices which, according to my husband, is not the most attractive state a wife could find herself in. After 17 years, I figure it wouldn’t kill me to make the effort and slap on a little HotGirlFace every once in a while.
    And he noticed, boy did he notice! And also? He totally sucks at the encouragement-for-the-superhuman-effort-of-looking-like-a-hot-chick part because things like this come out of his mouth on a regular basis:
    “You looked really nice today, and I know how hard it is for you.”
    “Do they even have pants big enough for you here?”
    “What the hell did you put on your lips, wheel bearing grease?”
    And every single one of them was an earnest comment, not trying to be mean or anything. Stupidhead.
    Anyway, maybe you’re in a funk because you’ve hit a plateau with the weight loss and you’re coming down off the BlogHer high? BTW, speaking of BlogHer, OMG cleavage!!! You have excellent cleavage. And photogenic-ness. What is up with looking good even when you’re HUNG OVER???
    Sending hugs and hope you feel better :-)

  22. kim

    i meant every word i said in my last comment. i love you, Y and i hope you will find your way out of IT very soon. oh and me, too… *hugs*

  23. xtine

    My high school boyfriend (of four years, gah) used to give me the WORST compliments ever. “Well, at least you’re not as fat as a cow!” You know. Stuff like that.
    The fiance, though, he’s dated his fair share of crazy girls and knows that things like, “You’re so pretty” work best. I like him.
    And P.S. – I’m going to the gym tonight for the first time in months. I have ten months to look totally fabulous for my wedding. OH MY GOD, I hate working out. And the gym we’re going to? Reeks of testosterone. OH MY GOD. But knowing you put yourself through it and had such great results actually seriously kind of motivates me.

  24. claire

    I have carefully trained my husband to know the only acceptable things to say. It was easy to train him, because when he says the wrong thing I either laugh in his face, and tell all of my friends, or fly off the histical boat and become phsycho, cleaning the house at 4 am in tears and throwing brownie pans on the floor infront of company.
    Just tell your husband next time I am in a funk and you think working out will help me say this “hey let’s go for a walk together, we both will feel better after that”
    think of how good it would feel to see him working out ?

  25. The GurL

    Thank You.
    I’ve only been reading your page for a few days now and maybe tears n’ depression n’ wondering what’s happening to you isn’t as funny as poop…
    Yet, your words have provided me with a sense of calmness n’ maybe inspiration too. I know how hard it is to allow those thoughts a voice and that some see it as complaining. I see it as strength – the strength to speak your truth and that gives me the courage to continue speaking my thoughts from my own site. Thank you for showing me that I wasn’t alone; that sometimes others feel like me…
    And of course – for giving me the inspiration to further expand on my limited doodles. I don’t want to be known as the aunt who can only draw bunnies!

  26. jen

    first- b/n your and RSM’s quote of Dumb & Dumber, “PULLOVER!” and he looks out the window and yells “No! It’s a cardigan! But thanks for noticing!”, I think I may have to rent that now (and I hate Jim Carey)
    I, too, am a one trick (maybe 3, I can draw a cat face) (and a bird, so 4?) pony (can not draw the pony, incidentally) when it comes to aaht (how we say in Boston).
    Laughter that hard thru tears or (if you will) a real bad funk is the best medicine. also, it works your core. win-win.

  27. dorothy

    My husband (before I married him), both “accidentally” called me (a former anorexic) a “fat fuck” and told me a dress I bought would look smokin’ after I lost my winter weight.
    And then I married him.
    But I married him because once I was done hating me, he made me take myself less seriously.

  28. Linda Merryman

    Sweetie – I your blog!!! It always makes my day, so thanks bunches for that. Have you thought about talking to a doctor about your mood? You are *way* too cool to have to suffer alone through what it seems you are going through.

  29. Suburban Turmoil

    That reminds me of the time my husband told me, “You gain weight just like a man. It’s all in your stomach.” Grrrrr. I still haven’t gotten over that one….

  30. Me

    So, um, Y…
    When do we get to hear which of the funny sites you liked best?
    Because I’ve been checking your site obsessively to see if maybe, just maybe, oh please, MY site (or rather, the one I recommended) made you feel better?
    And um, since we’re suggesting things for you to write about and all, how about an anecdote or two about you and Pighunter’s first kiss? Or first date? Or when you first realized you were knocked up with #3?
    I love your family stories, they remind me of my old country granny and the amazing way she made picking up cow patties and using the for fuel to cook dinner sound like a privilege and a party at the same time.
    Not saying you’re old, or country, or that you recycle bovine poop to fix supper, just that you’re highly amusing in your word choice, um, yeah.

  31. Mary Tsao

    I wish I could draw a flower as nice as that. Or a dog. I’m more of a cloud and tree and sun kind of mom.
    You’re awesome! And your sense of humor is the best.

  32. Stepherz

    I love your artwork, you get an A+ for effort. As far as the blues go, we all get it. It’s the perk to being a gal. I hope you feel better, but I know you will. :-)

  33. Nila

    You totally beat my butt in the drawing department.
    I’m glad you had a good laugh. Sometimes that’s the best therapy. I guess husbands are good for some things.

  34. Mellissa

    We were visiting friends once, and I spent about 15 minutes drawing a profile of my husband on a MagnaDoodle. I was quite proud of the result, because my artistic skills are NIL – but when I showed everyone THEY LAUGHED. They laughed until they cried and their stomachs hurt and they were rolling around on the ground, and I was hurt because I TRIED SO HARD. Blah.

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