Pighunter made me cry last night. TWICE! Once because he was an ass, and once because he made me laugh so hard.
I was telling him about the depressing post that I wrote and how I used to write like that all of the time, but how I’m scared to publish posts like that now because people get annoyed and send me emails telling me to quit bitching and whining and appreciate the family that I have and so I write about farts and aerobic dancing instead because haha farts are funny and depression isn’t and how “I really need to to start writing light hearted posts about farts again.”
To which Pighunter responded with AND I QUOTE “Yeah, and you need to start going to the gym again too.”
To which I responded with “When was the last time you worked out… oh, um, let’s see, NEVER ONCE SINCE WE’VE BEEN MARRIED, so seriously, shut up! Don’t ever tell me that I need to go to the gym ever again! And you know what? I changed my mind, I hope you die first!”
To which he responded with “Sweetie! oh my God, you totally took it the wrong way. I was just trying to be helpful because you said you wrote about your weight and feeling bad and I know you feel so much better when you work out. I didn’t say that I think you’re fat, I was just trying to help you.”
Oh! I get it! Tough love! Kinda like the time Jay Mohr told me to “Lose the weight” and not to “make any excuses, not fucking one, just lose the weight.” And when I went off on him and was all “I AM NOT MAKING EXCUSES, I REALLY AM SICK AND SUCK IT.” He was all “I wasn’t trying to be a dick, I just know how happy you were when you lost the weight and I want you to be happy.”
(I do believe that was a drive by Name Dropping.)
I know that Pighunter was honestly just trying to help, but his choice of words came across as, I don’t know, asshole-ish? Like, “Get that fat ass to the gym, WOMAN.” You know?
He redeemed himself later by making me laugh so hard that I cried, even though he was totally making fun of me.
G-Unit was coloring on her little art easle and I was all “hey, can mommy color you a pretty picture?”
Now, you have to know that I truly SUCK at drawing. Honestly. I’m horrible. So, anytime I do color with the kids, I stick with the things that I am good at. And by “things” I mean “the dog” and “the flower” and um, even those aren’t very good. Especially “The Dog.”
So, after I had asked G-Unit if I could color her a picture, Tony shouted out “Let me guess! You’re going to draw the flower! OR THE DOG! HAHHAHAHAHHAHA”
Shit. He was right, I was totally going to draw the dog, but I couldn’t let him win, so I was all “NUHUH! I WAS GOING TO DRAW… THE MOUNTAINS! AND BIRDS! AND CLOUDS!”
He wouldn’t give it up. “Just admit it, you were going to draw the flower! Or the dog! hahahha!!”
I lost it. I seriously lost it. I layed on the ground and laughed until my stomach hurt because up until that point, I was completely unaware that he was onto my “Two Trick” art gig. OMG! He knew! And he had finally got the nerve up to call me out on it and mock me for it!
We laughed for what felt like an hour.
I know! It’s not really that funny to anyone but us because we are nerds!
And BONUS! The time I tried to paint my son a clown face!
I swear, I kinda hated him until he made fun of my non existent artistic skills. Then, it was just like that scene from Dumb and Dumber where Llyod rolls up on the scooter after he had that big fight with Harry and Harry was all “Just when I thought you couldn’t get any dumber, you go and do something like this… and totally redeem yourself!”
Laughter, even when directed at myself and my lameness, really is the best medicine.
P.S. I love you guys. Honestly and truly. Thank you for “being there” for me and for understanding.