Gas.

Anytime I write a dramatic post in which I talk about such dramatic things as “running out of gas” and “brakes not working”, DO NOT PANIC. Chances are, I am fine and that nothing really bad happened. (Because, if it had, I wouldn’t be sitting at the computer writing about it. And also, remember, I am the woman who called the cops because she thought The Bees were trying to kill her!.)
I had a million (but really only 3) things to do on Saturday. It was Ethan’s last basketball game of the season before playoffs and it was the day we were finally going to celebrate Gabby’s 2nd birthday, Chuck E Cheese style, y’all.
Because I wait until the last minute to do everything, (because I work best under pressure. Seriously, just ask my 12th grade history teacher who once told me “you’re pretty good when you’ve got a gun held to your head.”) I decided to run to Target before the basketball game to put all of my pictures on a CD so that I could clear the memory card out for G’s birthday party.
When I got in the car, the gas gauge told me that I had a 78 mile range. Taraget is less than 5 miles away, so I decided I was good to go as far as gas was concerned.
It took FOREVER(40 minutes) at Target and so I knew I had to rush home if I didn’t want to be late to Ethan’s game. When I started the car, I noticed that the “78 mile” range had suddenly turned into “Low Fuel” and the warning light was on.
The Hell?
I didn’t panic because a) the gas station was just a couple of miles away b)Tony ALWAYS tells me not to panic because even when it says “low fuel” there is (and these are his exact words) “PLENTY OF GAS! So quit nagging me to fill up, woman!”
Halfway home, I felt the car (and when I say “the car” I mean “the big ass van that I love so shutup with your stupid judgements about moms in minivans!) start to shake and lose power and so I started to veer to the side of the road, but then, I lost all power and all engine functions and I could no longer steer! Or USE THE BRAKES! I was pumping and pumping and turning the wheel as hard as I could, but I had no control. There was a red light up ahead, so I really started to freak out. Then, the greatest thing in the world and also the thing that would PISS MY HUSBAND OFF SO DEEPLY happened. The step/runner thingy (man, I’m impressive with my knowledge of the actual names of parts on my van!) hit the curb and as the metal/plastic whatever the hell it is scraped along side the curb, my car finally came to a stop.
DEATH AND COLLISION AVERTED!
I realised that there were only 40 minutes left until Ethan’s game, so I frantically searched for my cell phone, the cell phone that had ALMOST NO BATTERY LEFT, so that I could call Tony and tell him of the horrifying ordeal that I had just been through.
Call #1- Not answered
Message #1 left on our answering machine- “OH MY GOD! Why aren’t you answering the phone! I ran out of gas! On Foothill! And I had no brakes! I’m shaking! I need gas! PICK UP THE PHONE! OMG!”
Call #2- Not answered
Message #2 left on our answering machine- “MY BATTERY IS DYING, I can’t believe you’re not answering the phone! I need gas! Answer the phone!”
Call #3- Not answered
Message #3 left on answering machine- Well, I’ll just let you go ahead and listen to the actual message. (And yes, I told my family that they SUCKED.)
The battery was quickly running out and even though I was within walking distance to my parents house. (Seriously, I was literally around the corner from their house.) I called my dad and was all “Dad! Tony’s not answering my phone calls and I ran out of gas! I need help! I’m going to miss Ethan’s game and Gabby’s party and MY HUSBAND IS A BIG FAT JERK FOR NOT ANSWERING THE PHONE.”
The thing about my dad is this. He doesn’t like when I talk bad about my husband, you know, the whole “the man is the head of the household and woman! Obey your husband” thing? Yeah. So his first reaction was “Hey! Don’t get mad at your husband, he’s a good father, a good man and you should be more loving…”
“Dad! I’m stranded on the side of the road! I had no brakes! I need help and my husband won’t pick up the phone!”
“Well, Mija, maybe he’s busy.”
“Dad! Please! Ok, can you just please bring me gas?”
And he did, because he’s a good dad. A good dad who followed me to the nearest gas station to make sure I didn’t run out of gas. A good dad who is also a preacher. And do you know what dad’s who are preachers do? They preach! At every given opportunity and apparently, me running out of gas and freaking out about it was “a given opportunity.”
“Mija, if you freak out about running out of gas, what are you going to do if you’re left behind when Jesus returns? They’ll be no gas, no food, no water… WHAT WILL YOU DO THEN?”
(At this point, he’s talking in “preacher voice” which means, he was kinda yelling and so people were stopping to watch.)
“Ok, dad, I would probably freak out, but what you’re not understanding is that I did not freak out because I ran out of gas, I was freaking out BECAUSE MY HUSBAND WOULD NOT ANSWER THE PHONE AND THAT IS SO ANNOYING AND RUDE.”
“But MIJA! YOU NEED TO BE READY FOR THE RAPTURE! GET READY, MIJA!”
Oh. Pastors.
The last thing he said to me as I drove off was “HAHA! I’d HATE to be your husband right now!”
Because he knew that my husband was going to get it when I got home.
I did go off on him for not having answered the phone, to which he played dumb and was like “I didn’t hear the phone! Weird!?” But, we’ve had this conversation 2039509 times. About how when I’m gone, he needs to keep the phone nearby, in case I need to get a hold of him. And yet, every.single.time that I’ve been “on the road” and needed to get a hold of him, he has not answered the phone and I’ve had to call a friend or family member for help.
The best part was how when I told him about how I had accidentally hit the bottom of the car against the curb (because, you know, I had no brakes, or control of the steering wheel) he actually GOT MAD AT ME and was like “You need to be more careful” and “Did it leave a mark?”
OH MAN.
I swear, sometimes? He’s so cute, that he makes me want to punch him in the neck! Repeatedly.
(And yes, it did leave a mark on the bottom side of the van, but, it could have been worse. I could have ran the red light, and killed someone, or ran into a pole and died, but I didn’t, so can we move past the giant scratch on the side of my van and thank God THAT I AM ALIVE TO BLOG ABOUT THIS? PLEASE?)

32 thoughts on “Gas.

  1. Katie

    OMG!!!1!! (I seriously wish I was a teenager somedays…)
    Let me know if you need help digging a hole to hide the body. Just know that I might need the favor returned after I smother my husband with a pillow.

  2. JustLinda

    Whew, I’m glad it was just GAS. And your dad was close by.
    A couple weeks ago, my minivan died and it was OIL.
    Evidently, running out of oil is MUCH worse than running out of gas. hahaha HAAHAHA I’m only laughing because if I don’t I would have to cry. CRY over every dollar it cost to buy a rebuilt engine. Sigh….
    Hope the party was fun!

  3. Dawn

    Do you know that I have had the exact same argument with my husband??!
    I am all the time hearing how lucky we are that he has a job that gives him lots of flexible time at home to help out and be home in case one of three kids gets sick at school, or whatever. I won’t say specifically what he does but let’s just say it involves fire, and someone possibly needing to put one out.
    Interestingly – whenever I have called for him to…oh get groceries, pick up a sick child, that type thing, mysteriously he NEVER HEARS THE PHONE RING. It is the most aggravating thing in the world to me. ANSWER THE DAMN PHONE!

  4. Laura

    At first I thought your post said “the woman who called the cops because she thought The Bee Gees were trying to kill her…” and I was like, “I don’t remember hearing THAT story?”
    Glad you’re okay!

  5. Stacey

    Well, at least you got a good blog out of it! I recently 1. fell in puke at the mall and 2. got my first speeding ticket (35mph). And once I had recovered, my first thought was, “This should make an interesting blog entry.” Sad but true.
    Funny story! My husband is “phone deaf” as well.

  6. Sarah

    I think you deserve some kind of blogging prize for including one of your answering machine messages. Gold.

  7. Alecia

    I’m a short term lurker…but this cracked me up and I have to comment.
    I think it’s hilarious that your dad thinks if you miss the rapture…that GAS could be the biggest of your worries. :) Or that he thinks it’s a possiblity that you will miss the rapture at all (probably due to this blog and your swearing-heehee).
    You crack me up and I empathize with so many of your life situations…like growing up a fundamentalist, having a bunch of kids, and struggling with weight. Thank you for your honest and frank insight into life.

  8. chickadee

    I SO would have told my family that they suck, too – car trouble scares the shit out of me. Possibly more than The Rapture! Glad all is well – were you still able to make it to Ethan’s game?

  9. debutaunt

    I’m more afraid of car problems than the rapture as well.
    But I raise my arms in front of this whole blog to rejoice that you aren’t dead and are able to blog about it. MIJA!!
    Now I need to go see SJ and read about the slippery vomit in the mall.
    P.S. Sometimes when I’m shopping with Zoe, and some bitches are talking shit about me (lily white woman) in Spanish (I know enough to know that), I usually will say, “come here, Mija” with a Spanish accent. That usually shuts them up. Either that or I just say “QUE!!” all crazy like and loud.
    I’m insane, aren’t I?

  10. Cheryl

    LOL You were a lot calmer than I would have been. You should hear the messages I leave when I call home and no one answers the phone when I KNOW they’re there. All I can say about your husband and your dad…..MEN! Sheesh! LOL

  11. xtine

    I love that phone message. You sound sixteen. And you told your family they sucked. HA!
    I probably would not have been so calm. And he probably would not be so two-testicled after I got home.
    And because I have the genius intellect to solve the world’s problems, I decided to fix something that was majorly wrong:
    ( Y )
    A better adjustment, no?

  12. Me

    I think you don’t love us very much anymore because you used to answer us back in the comments, and now…
    …not so much :*( (that star thingie is a tear, in case you didn’t know it)
    but here, my best auto repair tip: A can of aerosol Aqua Net hairspray and a Brawny papertowl will remove most black marks or paint (as in from other vehicles or those pesky 2 foot tall painted concrete poles at the bank) from your vehicle, without damaging your paint. Just use a little elbow grease.
    Then touch it up with the matching OPI nail polish– good as new unless you’ve dented the durn thing.
    But even if its a dent- make sure you clean it, then polish it with nail polish and a clear sealant or else it will rust and look like dog shit.
    Redneck Auto Repair. Guaranteed to make your hubby choke on his stogie.

  13. Lisa

    You are brilliant!! Adding the voice mail message was true genious! Thank you for such an entertaining blog.

  14. mikey

    You know what?
    I can’t wait to see your blog entry about The Rapture.
    Oh, don’t act like you won’t blog it. Besides, God reads blogs too, you know.

  15. Y

    Thanks for asking.
    He IS improving. It’s NOT cancer, which is what they thought it was. Turns out, the spots on his liver weren’t cancer, but were lacerations. (A few years ago, he had his foot amputed because of cancer and he had been falling a lot recently) And his liver was leaking toxins into his body.
    He’s getting better, his infections are clearing up, but he’s still too weak to breathe on his own. (They tried taking the breathing tube out yesterday, but had to reinsert it.)
    Anyway, looks like he’s not going to die after all, but it’s still a serious situation. We’re all just praying for the best.
    Thanks again for asking.

  16. shy me

    so I read the title and thought “oh, it’s going to be a post about gas.. and tooting.. and maybe Gabby has gas or something” and then my brain switched on to “think, dumb dumb” mode and I realized it was THE story. About the car with NO gas. And then I read hurredly to see what had happened and how scary it was. SCARY!
    thanks for the giggle (hmmm, i typed google…search much?)
    glad to hear your uncle’s doing better too. : )

  17. Belinda

    YES! I thank God that you are alive to keep blogging! With my hands raised to the sky!
    And I just have to wonder…knowing what we know about how your father raised you, and what a good person you were and are, why in the WORLD would he think that there is even the remotest possibility that you would be LEFT BEHIND and even have to worry about rationing gas after the RAPTURE? Hello? Dad?
    And then apologize to him, because I’m from one of those “once saved, always saved” faiths, and I ain’t gonna be here during no stinking armageddon. ;-)

  18. Heather

    So what my hubby would do. I feel your pain. I just play dumb when if I hit something like that and get yelled at much later in the time frame!

  19. Lisa

    Good to know. Two weeks ago, our minivan was beeping and doing the low fuel thing. My husband, who was following me and our kids, wanted me to wait until we got to the next gas station (uh, 10 miles away) but I pulled into the first one I saw. I get out, and he pulls up and is all, “What are you DOING? You’ll MAKE IT!” I said, “Fine, then YOU drive it, because it’s beeping at me and flashing LOW FUEL and shit!” Of course, he gets out, looks, and then goes, “Yeah, I guess you better.” Oy vey.

  20. bigiron

    Hey Y,
    Gonna preach a little, forgive me please, it’s only because I AM glad that you’re alive to blog again. You CAN stop your car when it’s engine dies. And steer it too, probably, but that’s less important. If you’ll tolerate some unsolicited advice, I suggest that you go to a big empty parking lot and try this: slow your vehicle down to a very slow speed. Carefully turn off the key, just one “click” back so you don’t lock the wheel, just turn off the engine. Then put the middle of your right foot (not just your toes) on the break pedal and apply steady FIRM pressure. Straighten your leg out and get your thigh into it. If necessary, lift your butt off the seat and STAND on that pedal. You will feel it move down and the van WILL stop, maybe a little suddenly (I did say start slowly right?). Any normal healthy adult can stop a power-breaks car or van without power. Then try it again, slowly. After you turn it off, try using both hands (and all the muscles in your arms) to turn the wheel just a bit to the right, like you’re trying to pull over. Actually the slower you are moving, the harder it is to steer. If you’re ever in an “emergency” situation like that you’ll find you can steer easier if you’re moving faster, but of course you also need to be able to stop.

  21. k8

    i’ve never commented b4~ but that chuck e cheese picture is too too cute! we took my gramma there on her 93rd bday baby and yes we got 93 frikkin tokens.

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