The one issue I’ve been completely honest with on this BALAWWWG is my weight/body image. I’ve always talked openly about my struggle with weight and hating my body (except for that “one time” when I let The Mean People win and swore I’d never talk about my weight again because I didn’t like getting mail that said things like “put the hamburger down, quit whining and go to the gym, you fat ass whale.”)
I’ve been very candid about my struggle to lose the weight after having my daughter, complete with accompanying photos that I’d rather not have shown The Internet, but felt necessary to remain honest and also, to track my progress.
There’s no denying that progress has been made and that I’m well on my way to getting to my goal weight of 135 pounds. However, I’ve hit a major bump in the road and I don’t think I’ve been honest about it.
I’ve briefly hinted at having lost some control recently, but I’ve not laid it out there and said the truth.
When I’ve lost weight, I’ve been quick to take pictures and be all “Look! I’m down another 10! I’m not wearing a 16 anymore! I’m in a 14! Weeeeee!” Because, let’s be honest, that’s fun to say. But now that I’ve backsliden, I’ve found it hard to write about it.
I’ve recieved THE MOST AMAZING emails from women who have told me that I have inspired them to lose weight. Or that when they are feeling down about their weight, they’ll think of me and my Aerobic dancing and they’ll go for a walk! Imagine that! ME! Inspiring people! UNBELIEVABLE.
I cry so hard everytime I recieve one of these emails. And I feel like opening myself up to hurtful and mean comments regarding my weight was so worth it because of amazing stories that people share with me.
Admitting that I’ve failed isn’t easy for me because, and my GOD I hope this doesn’t come across as egotistical, I feel like I’m letting people down. (Did it? Sound egotistical? Because, sweet mother of BOBS, that’s not how I mean it at all.)
I feel like people will say “Ha! You said all of that positive “you can lose weight if you put your mind to it and really want it” crap and look at you now! LIIIIAAAARRRRRRR!”
Anyway. Here I go telling you the absolute truth about my current weight loss progress.
I haven’t followed the weight watchers plan in over a month. Infact, the time I went to a meeting was on March 27. I weighed in at 178.2, bringing my total loss on weight watchers since January 1, to 13.8 (because the week before, I had GAINED 3 pounds, which I BLAME THE PERIOD, PEOPLE.) and my overall total to 72 pounds.
Yesterday, I decided it was time to “face the music.” I REFUSE to let The Fat win. I REFUSE to allow myself to continue on the self destructive path I was once again heading down. Yesterday I said “ENOUGH”, drove my ass down to Weight Watchers and faced “The Scale.”
Here comes the embarrassing part…
I have gained 6.6 pounds. Almost 7 pounds. I was actually relieved it wasn’t 10, but still sad that I allowed myself to gain weight again.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I would allow myself to gain weight after all of the work I’ve put into losing it. I could come up with a hundered excuses, but the truth is that I became completely overwhelmed. I’ve been trying to lose this weight for almost 2 years and yes! I’ve made progress. And, yes! I feel better! and yes! There’s a notable difference! But, OH MY GOD! I can’t do this for the rest of my life and HOLY SHIT! I can’t work this hard everyday! And DAMMIT! I FEEL LIKE I’M GOING TO PUKE THINKING ABOUT IT ANYMORE!
When I think of the things that I am doing to my body with all of this extra weight on it, I know that it’s well worth whatever work I have to put into losing it. It’s just, well, I reached a point where I truly felt I couldn’t do it anymore and, ugh, I GAVE UP.
There. I said it. I gave the hell up.
But! Today is a new day and today, I start all over again. I have recommitted to taking care of my body, to eating healthy, to working out 5-6 days a week (which, I have still been faithful to my Aerobic Dance Workout 3 times a week, but that’s just not enough.) and to never again losing sight of the fact that I am worth it.
I can’t end this without telling you about the new Weight Watchers Leader that lead the meeting yesterday.
People, as much as I LOVE my WW meetings because of the support and positive encouragment I get from attending them, I have to admit that they tend to be a little bit (and by “little bit” I mean “very, extremely, hilariously”) “Cheesy.” Y’all know how much I LOVE The Cheese&trade, but sometimes, too much cheese is a bad thing. I can deal with the little gold stickers they give you, or the really bad analogies they make (like the one time they tried to compare “tax day” to “winning the battle with weight.” Um. NO!) but I can NOT deal with the “Overly positive, OMG! I clap for everything and OMG! I jump up and down when I clap because weeeeeeee! weight loss is EXCITING AND OMG! let me give you a sticker for working out once last week!” Fah-reak who lead the meeting yesterday.
It was awful and I kept looking around the room hoping to make eye contact with someone who was ready to lose their shit and start laughing like I was, so we could roll our eyes and give each othter the “that women is CERAAAAZY” look. But everyone was totally ok with her spastic, overly positive ass. Listen, I’m all about positivity, but is it really necessary to talk in a high pitched squeel, giggle, clap and jump up and down when someone said they ordered grilled chicken instead of fried chicken? The answer is NO! It is absolutely not necessary! Perhaps it was just too early in the morning for that kind of postivity. I’m not a “morning person” by nature and until I’ve had a cup of coffee and some food all up in my belly, I kinda want to cut people who are happy. That could be the reason she rubbed me the wrong way, but seriously, I just wish she’d take it down a notch. (or 5.)
Now, I must go drink some water and eat some fruit. Oh, how I’ll miss the chocolate frosting.
(But oh, how I will NOT miss the added six pounds.)