Man, this is going to be embarrassing.

The one issue I’ve been completely honest with on this BALAWWWG is my weight/body image. I’ve always talked openly about my struggle with weight and hating my body (except for that “one time” when I let The Mean People win and swore I’d never talk about my weight again because I didn’t like getting mail that said things like “put the hamburger down, quit whining and go to the gym, you fat ass whale.”)


I’ve been very candid about my struggle to lose the weight after having my daughter, complete with accompanying photos that I’d rather not have shown The Internet, but felt necessary to remain honest and also, to track my progress.
There’s no denying that progress has been made and that I’m well on my way to getting to my goal weight of 135 pounds. However, I’ve hit a major bump in the road and I don’t think I’ve been honest about it.
I’ve briefly hinted at having lost some control recently, but I’ve not laid it out there and said the truth.
When I’ve lost weight, I’ve been quick to take pictures and be all “Look! I’m down another 10! I’m not wearing a 16 anymore! I’m in a 14! Weeeeee!” Because, let’s be honest, that’s fun to say. But now that I’ve backsliden, I’ve found it hard to write about it.
I’ve recieved THE MOST AMAZING emails from women who have told me that I have inspired them to lose weight. Or that when they are feeling down about their weight, they’ll think of me and my Aerobic dancing and they’ll go for a walk! Imagine that! ME! Inspiring people! UNBELIEVABLE.
I cry so hard everytime I recieve one of these emails. And I feel like opening myself up to hurtful and mean comments regarding my weight was so worth it because of amazing stories that people share with me.
Admitting that I’ve failed isn’t easy for me because, and my GOD I hope this doesn’t come across as egotistical, I feel like I’m letting people down. (Did it? Sound egotistical? Because, sweet mother of BOBS, that’s not how I mean it at all.)
I feel like people will say “Ha! You said all of that positive “you can lose weight if you put your mind to it and really want it” crap and look at you now! LIIIIAAAARRRRRRR!”
Anyway. Here I go telling you the absolute truth about my current weight loss progress.
I haven’t followed the weight watchers plan in over a month. Infact, the time I went to a meeting was on March 27. I weighed in at 178.2, bringing my total loss on weight watchers since January 1, to 13.8 (because the week before, I had GAINED 3 pounds, which I BLAME THE PERIOD, PEOPLE.) and my overall total to 72 pounds.
Yesterday, I decided it was time to “face the music.” I REFUSE to let The Fat win. I REFUSE to allow myself to continue on the self destructive path I was once again heading down. Yesterday I said “ENOUGH”, drove my ass down to Weight Watchers and faced “The Scale.”
Here comes the embarrassing part…
I have gained 6.6 pounds. Almost 7 pounds. I was actually relieved it wasn’t 10, but still sad that I allowed myself to gain weight again.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I would allow myself to gain weight after all of the work I’ve put into losing it. I could come up with a hundered excuses, but the truth is that I became completely overwhelmed. I’ve been trying to lose this weight for almost 2 years and yes! I’ve made progress. And, yes! I feel better! and yes! There’s a notable difference! But, OH MY GOD! I can’t do this for the rest of my life and HOLY SHIT! I can’t work this hard everyday! And DAMMIT! I FEEL LIKE I’M GOING TO PUKE THINKING ABOUT IT ANYMORE!
O-V-E-R-W-H-E-L-M-E-D.
When I think of the things that I am doing to my body with all of this extra weight on it, I know that it’s well worth whatever work I have to put into losing it. It’s just, well, I reached a point where I truly felt I couldn’t do it anymore and, ugh, I GAVE UP.
There. I said it. I gave the hell up.
But! Today is a new day and today, I start all over again. I have recommitted to taking care of my body, to eating healthy, to working out 5-6 days a week (which, I have still been faithful to my Aerobic Dance Workout 3 times a week, but that’s just not enough.) and to never again losing sight of the fact that I am worth it.
I can’t end this without telling you about the new Weight Watchers Leader that lead the meeting yesterday.
People, as much as I LOVE my WW meetings because of the support and positive encouragment I get from attending them, I have to admit that they tend to be a little bit (and by “little bit” I mean “very, extremely, hilariously”) “Cheesy.” Y’all know how much I LOVE The Cheese&trade, but sometimes, too much cheese is a bad thing. I can deal with the little gold stickers they give you, or the really bad analogies they make (like the one time they tried to compare “tax day” to “winning the battle with weight.” Um. NO!) but I can NOT deal with the “Overly positive, OMG! I clap for everything and OMG! I jump up and down when I clap because weeeeeeee! weight loss is EXCITING AND OMG! let me give you a sticker for working out once last week!” Fah-reak who lead the meeting yesterday.
It was awful and I kept looking around the room hoping to make eye contact with someone who was ready to lose their shit and start laughing like I was, so we could roll our eyes and give each othter the “that women is CERAAAAZY” look. But everyone was totally ok with her spastic, overly positive ass. Listen, I’m all about positivity, but is it really necessary to talk in a high pitched squeel, giggle, clap and jump up and down when someone said they ordered grilled chicken instead of fried chicken? The answer is NO! It is absolutely not necessary! Perhaps it was just too early in the morning for that kind of postivity. I’m not a “morning person” by nature and until I’ve had a cup of coffee and some food all up in my belly, I kinda want to cut people who are happy. That could be the reason she rubbed me the wrong way, but seriously, I just wish she’d take it down a notch. (or 5.)
Now, I must go drink some water and eat some fruit. Oh, how I’ll miss the chocolate frosting.
(But oh, how I will NOT miss the added six pounds.)

43 thoughts on “Man, this is going to be embarrassing.

  1. mary

    All I have to say is, that crap sure does come back on a HELLA lot faster than it comes off!
    That SUCKS!
    And I would have been eye rolling too!

  2. ben

    Girl, you have inspired me in so many ways. I’m sorry that I’m not good at writing e-mails at all, or e-mails that bring tears in particular. But know that I, for one, am faithful to The Cheese and will take the good with the bad and the highs with the lows. It’s all great.
    That said? Be glad you don’t look like this. Just sayin’

  3. Hed

    6 is not that bad. You are doing great! You are getting back on track after only 6 pounds, which is not something most people do, so I’m sorry, but right here, I’m going to jump up and down clap and squeal for you!
    I used to belong to a group called TOPS several years ago. Talk about cheesy. Anyway, the people in TOPS who made their goal were given a 10 pound leeway. Staying in that range is an accomplishment.
    Is there someone at your gym you can talk to about maintaining once you are there? I sort of ran into the same thing a few years ago, and when I was no longer a college student, walking up and down hills to get to class, waitressing, and working out at the gym for at least two hours every day, well, it wasn’t so easy for me to keep the weight off, and sadly, I gained most of it back.
    Next time, and once this baby is born, I’m going to be all about getting there and learning how to maintain once I do. And yes, you, darling, are an amazing source of inspiration, even in these times, because it happens to everyone. And again, the difference between the ones who are successful and the ones who aren’t, is the fact that the successful ones get back on the wagon when they know it’s time.
    Thank you for writing about your whole journey!
    -H
    Good luck! You are doing fabulously well!

  4. Me

    Hey.
    Proud of You. Infinitely proud of you.
    and look at the semi-positive- your body has adjusted to its current weight, so when you start cracking down on it today, then it will be like the beginning of a new diet, which always results in quick, fast, big weight loss. I always lose like 4-5 pounds the first week, 3-4 pounds the second week, and then it tapers down to about 1-2 a week after that. But if I cheat a little after a few months, it restarts the cycle somehow. Pretty cool.
    You’re doing great. Don’t sweat it.

  5. Lassa

    That’s all? 6.6! I thought you were going to say TWENTY or something, the way you were going on about disappointing someone. ..
    You’ve come a LONG way, baby! Don’t let a little 6 pounds get you down. As you said, it’s a new day today. And you’re a total aerobic dancin’ hottie, those 6 pounds will be gone before you know it.
    You’re awesome, Y!

  6. Broad

    I find myself thinking about you and your weight loss as I’m out riding my bike, and now that
    I know it’s 70+ pounds? Holy shit, that’s awesome!

  7. demondoll

    I am so proud of you- you’re back on track, not just the meetings, exercise, and eating right, but also knowing that YES you are worth it!

  8. Jerri Ann

    You should check into being a leader for WW….that would be cool and you could do the meetins like a person not a cheerleader..not that cheerleaders are bad, but you know…..an adult cheerleader

  9. hchisfd

    I just wanted to let you know that for all the “embarrassment” of having your weight loss photos up, you have truly helped a lot of people. I started ww in January and have given my fair share (or more) of eye rolls. You are inspiring and ha! so funny too! 6 pounds is nuthin, keep at it and be happy with your progress (which is awesome)

  10. Oceanbug

    I struggle with me weight to, I am yoyo.
    I have found that loosing the weight is hard. Yup, working out an hour a day, 5 days a week. But you will find that you will NOT have to work that hard to maintain once you are skinny!!!

  11. kim

    Y you know i’m one of the women you’re inspiring with your weight-loss and all. and a big, cheesy YAY for getting back on track. i guess i’m gonna get myself a huge glass of water and get back on it witcha :) also, those ww-leader-chicas used to kill me. i’m not quite sure but i think they’re actually part of the reason i quit goin to the meetings. encouragement is one thing, actually trying to make me believe that counting points for THE REST OF MY LIFE will be fun is just bullshit. BULLENSCHEISSE! still. i’m glad you’re feeling better and are getting back on track! *smooches*

  12. Vicky

    OMG! I wonder if my WW leader took a trip down to Cali to lead your meeting. Did she have one of those giant pads of paper up? Was it covered in flowers and squigglies and stick men in all colours of the rainbow? Was she wearing pleather?
    …cause my WW leader totally does all those things you described. Maybe they teach those methods at WW Motivational Boot Camp. Can you just see the course list?
    Stickers for Stupid Milestones 101.
    Jumping and Squealing 106.
    How to Bastardize Famous Quotes 201.

  13. Maria

    I try to remind myself (by chanting when no one is around) that all those things I love are really EVIL!
    You’re inspiring Y! This is one small step back, but you can definitely dance forward even more steps.

  14. Heatherg

    Me too girl, let me just say me too.
    I was on a good losing streak and something happened and FOOD, OMG, FOOD, and i just let go and ate me some……… Fried chicken fingers with some good greasy FF and some coleslaw and some garlic bread, and ——-, then the period came and i literally ate a ton of ice cream with hot fudge on it and when i was done, i drank a big fat root beer. And all that was within one week. It was just a bad April for me.
    Then this morning, i came to work and said, o hell naw…. and filled me up a big ole cup of h2o and am back on the wagon.

  15. jenfromboston

    hey, 6.6 in a month? That’s a weekend of junkfood and beer for me! I think everyone at some point has their setback(s) you are a REAL PERSON and SHIT HAPPENS. At least you had the presence of mind to catch yourself and not give up.
    I like someone’s idea of you being a WW leader – I think there are a number of folks who would like a leader who didn’t speak as tho Every. Single. One. of their “i”s is dotted with a heart, if you know what I mean.
    Side note: There was some spoof of the movie Bring It On in Not another Teen Movie? And the cheerleader is all, “You better bring it!” and the one playing kirstin Dunst cheerleader is all, “Oh, it’s already been brought-en”. Anyone else remember it? Anyway, that’s what I’d be envision going on in my head during your recent WW meeting.

  16. danelle

    Good for you for getting back on track! Those of us that have weight problems have gained and lost the same 100 pounds SO many times. Im finally comfortable with my weight and am having fun watching my mom lose weight like crazy now after inspiring her with my own loss. Whee! Weight loss is fun! So is crack cocaine!
    (I totally would have been eye rolling with you!)

  17. I love "the monkey"

    YOU inspire me. I tell you that in all my stalker emails. I wish I could be as motivated as you though. I sit here all depressed in my crappy body, but then don’t feel crappy enough to put. the.chocolate.cake.down.
    And remember, I wrote about you today…its all about perception (not contraception).
    HA!

  18. Allison

    Hey, as others have said 6.6 pounds is nothing — just a blip on the radar screen. After everything you’ve done already, you will get back on track. I’m stunned and impressed when I see your Flickr album of before/after shots — you go, girl!
    I’m giving the new big thing a whirl, and trying out the Shangri-La Diet (http://sethroberts.net/), which isn’t actually a diet, but instead a method where adding some flavorless calories to your daily intake changes your body’s set point. Still with me? Anyhoo, I’m drinking flavorless sugar water 2-3 times per day (just can’t have any flavors 1 hour before or after), and counterintuitively, I’m wanting less food in general.
    Seriously, we ate at Noodles & Co for lunch today, and not only did I pick one of the most vegetable-filled healthy-type things on the menu (it was what I actively wanted), but when we left, I saw Coldstone next door and couldn’t care. ‘Nuff going on about it, all I was going to say is that if you wanted to give it a look, it would work well in tandem with WW, I believe.

  19. girlplease

    I understand the “cheese” and I also understand that some of the women in WW are, well, discouraging (not sure if that’s the right word or not).
    I joined 4 years ago online because I didn’t like the fact that I gained 25lbs. Sure it’s a lousey 30lbs but again, this coming from someone that was always weight conscious (i.e. anorexic) and I never weighed above 110lbs (again, don’t shoot me). I was obsessed all my life with calories and exercise and by the time I left the house and found My Man, I threw all hell to the wind and ate what I want, when I wanted.
    When I joined, I didn’t like how I look, felt, weighed, or whatnot. My self-esteemed fell and I was just tired of looking like shit so I joined.When the “womenz” on the board found out what I weighed and how much I gained, some of them were downright cruel. A lot of them told me to “get the fuck off these boards. YOU don’t know weight struggles.”
    And while they had a point to a degree, my gain didn’t mean that I was all happy and whiney. It totally upset me and it totally made me feel like a loser.
    Except when one of the women “yelled” at the others and said, “You know, we should all be supportive. That’s why we are on here. Who of us wouldn’t have wanted to do something when we reached 30lbs over instead of now 70lbs?”
    I too fell off the WW wagon and gained everything I lost (only 7lbs but I was seeing progress). I now have the “preggo pooge” going (otherwise known as a “gunt”) and everytime I look at it I’m in tears and feel SO ugly. That’s all I obsess with.
    So we all fall off the wagon and we all give up. Shit. I had a bean and rice burritto today. So much for my progress too.

  20. Claire

    Good job on getting back on the wagon! But bear in mind that your weight probably fluctuates every day, and don’t get too bent out of shape if the numbers on the scale are disappointing. But keep up the great work! You really are in inspiration to all of us!!

  21. RettMom

    Hi! This is my first visit to your site and I gotta say, I’m am very impressed. I saw your “shrinking woman” photos and WOW! You look great! Besides the obvious body shrinkage, have you happened to notice that your face looks younger? You are a beautiful gal and deserve to feel good about yourself. So you had some diet burnout. So what? You took a break and now you’re going to go back to it. If 6 or 7 pounds is the price for your sanity and the ability to get back with the program, then so be it. At least it wasn’t 20 or 30. I lost a whopping 15 pounds last year (a 10th of my loss goal) and gained it all back in two weeks in January (a complete mystery – no explanation for it). I haven’t been able to lose any of it back yet, but I do have to admit that I haven’t tried much since then. It was pretty defeating. I’m always so glad to see someone who can get back to it. It gives me hope. Good luck. Oh, I found your site from the “I Need to Vent” blog on blogger.

  22. clickmom

    Y- I would so love to go to a weight watchers with you. Except we might get kicked out for excessive giggling. Going with you is probably the only thing that would get me into a WW meeting.
    You do inspire! I am going back and forth between -52 and -47, and am hoping for the energy and strength to continue this journey. I am only half way there! My goal is over 100 and I don’t care how long it takes or how many miles I have to walk/run/bike without moving to get there. I am not going to stop until I am there. And I get my strength from people like you.

  23. FlippyO

    I’ve always hated WW’s meetings. I hate the faux cheeriness and lack of snark. I had the most success when I did WW with mah girlie, and used WW Online. I wish I could start up again (I have my At Home program just waiting for me), but I have to wait until I start physical therapy.
    And yeah, you so don’t want to look like Ben. The super hairy chest probably wouldn’t be your best look. ;)

  24. Melissa

    I think you are great! 6 or 7 lbs. is not bad. Just think of it as your vacation. Things like that happen. It sounds like you are ready to get back to work, so good for you! You are doing better then me. I am so proud of you for all you have already done & just remember. You have already done it so you know you can keep it up! Ignore the mean people. I started a private blog to start tracking my health, weight & exercise, or lack of & the only cooment I got, which was on the 1st day, was telling me I was going at it all wrong. I started the blog to help encourage me, not for others to put me down. But I ignored the comment. You have done it,& you can still do it. Now I sound cheesey;)
    The fact that you are still doing your dance is positive too! That is still exercise, no matter how fun it is. Now lets see your new dance moves to the song “Hips Don’t Lie”! :D
    You rock Girl!

  25. JJ

    Woman…..you have NOTHING to be ashamed of! You are doing such a great job and inspire me. I hate going to WW (the cheese is too much) but I keep going and facing the music.
    Losing weight is hard and it sucks. The important part is you’ve keep going. Keep going and you’ll get there.

  26. Stephanie

    I just wanted to say that I think you look stunning! If I were a dude, I’d be all, “Damn, woman! Come talk to me!” But I’m pretty much not a dude and very much a gal, so instead I’ll be all, “Damn, woman! Don’t be hard on yourself because you are Beee-autiful!” And, you have such determination that we are all supportive, not judgemental. You deserve props! From yourself too.

  27. jonniker

    You know, you’re still beautiful, and smart and pretty and all that good cheesy stuff.
    But the thing that sets you apart, and that comes so clearly in this post, is that you are real. And fallible. And human. And that, my friend, is more valuable and endearing than anything else in the whole world.

  28. Laura

    I had my own ‘overwhelmed’ this week. Bad moods, combined with TOO much on the ‘to-do’ list and the period. gaak. Thank you for making me laugh, and yes, inspiring me to do better. Tomorrow, I will be back on my treadmill. And, although I am just at the beginning of what I am calling The Odyssey, I, too, am worth it, and the fat will not win with me either.
    Thanks for a great post!!

  29. Sara

    First time commenter- about a month long reader :) Firstly, I -love- this blog and I feel like a freaking stalker with how much I pour over your pictures and words and with my 10+ awesome blogs that I read? Yours is SO my new favorite. Which is saying something.
    Just wanted to add my two cents on this one by saying that after looking at your shrinking woman pictures, I decided to start back at WW and this is my third week :) I’ve lost 10lbs so far! You rock hardcore.
    And? My WW leader is a very very rail thin skinny (lost 20lbs to get goal weight) GAY MAN. And he ROCKS because he makes the meetings hilarious and fun by just.. being flamboyant :)
    So- moral of this post is that 1) Add this post to your “You inspired me” list 2) You’re my new favorite blog and I want to nibble on Gabby’s cheeks 3) You should drive to Tenn for my Thursday WW meetings to be entertained by mr. flamboyant.
    -Sara

  30. Mari

    You truly are an inspiration. Just today I was thinking of writing you to let you know that I am so inspired by your determination and your success. But now that I see here, so many people have already beat me to it.
    Everyday I tell myself to get walking or to do some damned situps, or something. Then I lie to myself and say I am not that big. I am that big. I am over 200 lbs. and I am not happy. At all. I have cut out my pop and drink lots of water and crystal lite and all that, but the bacon … oh my god the bacon, it calls me. And the pancakes. And the double helpings of rice and beans. I need to learn self control and stop pity. I come here to read about you and how honest you are about all things, motherhood, friendship, life, everything. Because you are an inspiration Y. And that concludes my cheese.

  31. ranaj

    Joy, I feel your angst. In my experience, the best thing to do if you ‘fall off the wagon’ of weight loss is to forgive yourself, forget about it and get back on the wagon. No regrets, no beating yourself up – have nothing but love for yourself.
    If you want some solidarity drop by my blog some time – slendarana.blogspot.com
    R x

  32. girl

    our eating habits have totally been sucking the big one lately, too. I just want to eat crappy food. I want to eat it and I want to fucking enjoy it without feeling guilty about it. but as soon as I step on the damn scale and see it going up, I want to jump out the second story window. I just so damn tired of the effort that goes into healthy eating. I’m tired of doing assloads of dishes and I know my husband is tired of cooking (he does the majority of the cooking b/c I work nights and don’t get up until 7). however, I’m so much happier with my body than I was a year ago and I know I don’t want to put the 25 pounds I’ve taken off, back on, so I trudge on. I’m hoping that when I finally reach my goal weight, my metabolism will have gotten to a point where eating one damn french fry doesn’t make me gain a pound.

  33. Lisa

    You’re doing great, Y. You inspire me in all sorts of ways – being a great mom, wishing I could make people laugh the way you do, and in losing weight. I hate that commercial where the girl says, “People said I looked great for having 3 kids, but I just wanted to look great, period!” I hear all the time how “great” I look for 6 kids, but I don’t FEEL it. And believe me, if it wasn’t for long shirts, they’d see where the fat is. I’m sure they do when I turn to the side.
    Anyway. My point is that I think you are doing great. Even if you’re regressing, I think you’ll be fine. I think it’s in the air. Seriously. Everyone I know has fallen off the diet wagon!

  34. PK

    Heck, I get all busy and don’t come by for a while and then I do and your site is all purty and shite!
    Plus, I love you. Am I moving too fast?
    Sweetie, I know it’s depressing but really, look at it in context of how much you’ve lost! It’s, like, a *leeeeetle* itty bit of all that you’ve accomplished, so you totally haven’t failed.
    I just joined WW online because it’s time to face the music, and it’s bad 80s music with too much synthasizer. I can’t take the perky meetings. I can’t even take the perky bulletin boards. Are there any sarcastic, smartass WW bulletin boards? I’d be all over one of those. I would roll eyes with you.
    xo

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