I think I’m going to hide now.

Weight loss is not going well.
I have no idea how much I’ve gained, but I know I’ve gained. I can tell by the way my clothes are fitting me.
I’ve not talked a lot about my “health” because, well, you know how I can be a little dramatic and how I always think I’m dying?
Yeah. That.
But, I’ve not been feeling well. Still tired all of the time, my hair is falling out (AWESOME!) I can’t sleep at night because my right leg falls asleep, my hands go numb and swell up. (Which explains why I feel tired all of the time, I’m up half the night beating the shit out of my leg trying to get the blood circulating in it.)
The lack of sleep has made me too exhausted to go to the gym as often as I need to go to continue with the weight loss. (Which is at LEAST 5 days a week.) I went on Friday night and left in tears because I didn’t even have the energy to do 30 minutes on the eliptical.
I am feeling like a huge failure these days. I’m very ashamed of myself and my inability to lose these last 40-ish pounds. So ashamed, I’m so ashamed of myself that I’ve actually avoided going to my doctor because I don’t want him to know I’ve gained weight. Tony’s been on my case for weeks to see my doctor, and I keep making up excuses. If he knew the real reason that I haven’t gone to see him , he’d KICK MY ASS.
Something that I never told you people is that a few months back, my doctor offered to put me on weight loss pills. We were talking about how hard it’s been for me to lose weight, about how long it’s taking me, about how far I’ve come, but yet, how far I still have to go.
The next day, he called to tell me that he was willing to do something for me that he does for very few patients.
“Y, I’m willing to put you on weight loss pills. I know you’ve worked hard, and I’m willing to give you something to help get you to your goal. You’ll have to have blood work done every 30 days and be monitored closely, but I’m willing to do that for you.”
I’m not going to lie. I was tempted. So very, very tempted. After all of these months, after all of the hours spent in the gym, after all of the obsessing over how many “points” each damn piece of food I put into my mouth was, I was so ready to just “pop a pill” and watch the fat melt off.
Oh yes, I was THIS CLOSE to taking the easy way out of my Fat Problems.
After much thought (about possibly getting greasy, explosive ass syndrome, or you know, causing liver damage) I decided to NOT take him up on his offer to take the pills. “I can do this myself!” I said proudly. “Thank you, but no thank you, I can do this!”
Ha! I lied! I’ve not done what I swore I could do without the pills. How embarrassing. And that is why I’ve not been to see my doctor, because I feel like a giant jackass.
I’ve put all of my feelings of shame and embarrassment about my weight aside and have made an appointment for tomorrow morning.
Not sure I’m going to actually KEEP the appointment, but hey, at least I made the effort to actually make an appointment.

38 thoughts on “I think I’m going to hide now.

  1. jayne d'Arcy

    Do let us know what the doctor says, Y. I’ve been having similar symptoms (tired, tingly feelings in my legs and joint pain). I chickened out on the doctor, but can’t escape my 3 month checkup with him. I’m probably doing a bad thing by letting everyone else diagnose me.
    I’m proud of all that you’ve done so far (I have 45 pounds to go) and I can understand some of the frustration you have. Please have the strength to keep that appointment.

  2. Flippy

    Keep the appointment. The doctor doesn’t care whether or not you took or didn’t take the pills. He wants you to be healthy. Get checked out, because maybe you’ll find out what’s contributing to your lack of energy. Not to mention the numbness. And wouldn’t that be worth it?

  3. Maria

    Stres, anxiety, etc. make it difficult to achieve so much. I suffer from insomnia year round, so I feel for you on that score too. I’m sending you good vibes. The last few pounds are always the most difficult. No shame if you accept help and no shame if you have the occasional set back. Slow progress is better than no progress.

  4. Natalie

    Hey Y…so glad you made the appointment. Please go! I know how anxious you can get going to doctors (I feel the same way…I’m so wary of doctors and I get freaked out every time I have to go, afraid of “lectures” or being embarassed). But Flippy is right…he just wants you to be healthy. That’s his job. Easier said than done, but your health is so so important… I really hope you go. Don’t make me worry!! :)

  5. Jenn

    Keeping the appointment sounds like a smart thing. You really need to feel better. So sad that you can’t see yourself as others do, as your kids and husband do. I wish you well!

  6. Alex

    What if the Dr. finds what’s causing all this and it also is hindering your weight loss efforts. That would be great to resolve both with one Dr. visit.

  7. exiled to canada

    ok, delurking because I have a thyroid problem (mine started at age 13) and all of your symptoms sound like CLASSIC hypo-thyroidism. Please ask the Dr. to check your thyroid function and have him give you the actual numbers. If your TSH (Thyroid Stimulating Hormone) levels are over 3.0 you should see an endochrinologist. E-mail me if you need more info.

  8. Jamie

    Hang in there ! Those last fourty lbs are sticking like glue here too ..lol..On the positive, I’ve heard stress makes your hair fall out but usually theres a 3 mos delay…(its just what I heard..lol) Plus with all that activity maybe you just pinced a nerve or something ! Maybe try a Chiropractor ? Better safe than sorry though..but I’m sure its nada !
    BTW you look beautiful ! love the hair cut !

  9. Amy S

    When are you going to take my advice and go to a Chiropractor?
    The numbness in your hands has something to do with nerves that run through your spine.
    Get thyself to a CHIROPRATOR.

  10. tonya cinnamon

    remember when you lose weight you will have setbacks
    its the determination that will keep you going!
    hope the doctor visit goes well and they can find out whats going on..
    hugs!!!!

  11. Lauren

    I’m glad you made an appointment; you’ll probably feel a lot better after you see him. Also, don’t get frustrated with yourself. Healthy weight loss is really hard- that’s why so many people don’t do it! Be proud of yourself!

  12. Dani

    Not sleeping = difficult weight loss. If you get your sleeping worked out I can guarentee that everything else will get better. I would suggest asking for something to help with your sleep. I know you hate meds, but I have been taking Trazadone since I about age 15. I have fibromyalgia and that causes some really severe sleep disturbances, but the Traz fixes it. In high doses it acts as an antidepressant, but at the doses that you’d be taking, it helps get you into a deeper sleep and stay there. Its cheap too! I don’t have any side effects from it, and it doesn’t leave me groggy. So again, I vote for trying to fix the sleep to see if that helps.

  13. Valerie in NM

    Sounds like a thyroid problem, I just went on synthroid, I am 42. Have them check the T levels and the TSH. Critical, get it done!! Your symptoms are classic!

  14. Beth

    Delurking for 2 reasons. First, definitely go to the doctor because maybe there is an explanation for all of this. Second, do NOT feel ashamed of yourself! You are not a failure. Some things are just way fucking harder than we think they are.

  15. jonniker

    I hate when people try to diagnose over the Interweb, but I fourth the thyroid work-up suggestion, and PUSH IT, if you don’t feel like you’re getting answers. I have Hashimoto’s thyroiditis, which is a long-winded and complicated way of saying I, too, am hypothyroid and GAH, your symptoms, including the anxiety and stress and despression, but ESPECIALLY the hair falling out, are absolute, spot-on hypothyroid symptoms.
    Also, many doctors think that you’re fine if you have a TSH of 3.0 to 5.0, but if you are any higher than 2.75, push the issue, because 3.0 and above, while accepted by some, is totally sub-clinical hypothyroidism, and can cause the symptoms you are facing, even when doctors say you’re “fine.”
    I’m sounding crazy, I realize this, but I lived the *identical* symptoms you’re dealing with and thought I was either nuts and/or dying. I’m a little fanatical when it comes to saving someone else the same fate.
    Don’t punch me. I know this is annoying.

  16. jonniker

    Ohohoh! And don’t let them tell you that you’re too young to have a thyroid problem. I was diagnosed at 29. It’s not for menopausal women only.

  17. Nat

    Y,
    You don’t need those pills. You have done a fantastic job on your own. Keep at it, and know that there are people out there who are in the same boat and who send you support.
    Oh, and PS, I totally always think I’m dying too. I think hypochondria is a sign of intense creativity. Let’s hope, eh? 😉
    Nat

  18. pinkme

    I thought for a while that I had a brain tumor, lung cancer, needed a bone marrow transplant, and I wonder where my son gets it? Truth was…my back was out and I had a bunch of pinched nerves. It made my chest hurt, my legs go numb, my bones ache, lots of different symptoms. After a couple of “back cracks” I am feeling much better.
    Oh, my mom studies Natural Medicine and she makes the best vitamins around. Maybe you need some goooood vitamins.

  19. Lena

    Oh Yvonne. PROGRESS, NOT PERFECTION! Blah blah blah. But, it’s true. Don’t give up.
    Screw the gym this week. Just go outside with your kids. Go to the park. Just do something active! Like me! Sitting here on my ass! For the last 4 hours! Yay!

  20. Xangelle`

    Well, I see that someone has already mentioned it, but as soon as I read this I thought – Wow, she should go to a Chiropracter. It would probably help with a few of the symptoms – unfortunately not the weight loss. But if you’re spending energy on not feeling great, and some of that not feeling great was alleviated , then you might have more energy to get back on track.
    Regardless, I’m amazed at how amazing you look. I only wish that I would get my fat ass off the floor and do something about it. Maybe I’m not desperate enough – Oh well! You do look amazing, and I’m not just saying that.

  21. Sarcastic Journalist

    If your doctor judges you, he is not the right doctor. Get thy ass to him for a full physical ASAP. Not just a “this hurts” type visit, but do all the blood tests needed to get yourself on track.
    Think, if you can find out what is wrong, then you can find out what you need to get better AND LOSE THE REST OF THE WEIGHT.

  22. hed

    Hair loss, energy loss, and swelling hands, especially if they are sensitive to heat or hot water and swell up when exposed to hot water, especially, are all classic signs of an unbalanced thyroid.
    This is not a reason to panic. The thyroid is a funny gland, and it will occasionally become imbalanced, especially after childbirth (My daughter was two when I developed a problem with mine,) or weight loss. It’s like your body is trying to go back to the weight it was because it was comfortable there.
    But, if your levels are off, I IMPLORE you to ask for a referral to an endocrinologist, rather than an ear, nose, and throat specialist, which seems to be what they like to do. Don’t allow them to do this! ENTs thrive on unnecessary thyroid surgery, and it’s possible to end up with an unnecessary removal.
    Here is a link about the type that I had. If you have a diagnosis of an imbalanced thyroid, yet experience no pain or lumps in your throat, there is a good chance that this is the kind you may have. And the good news about this, is that it resolves itself! I was fine after about 4 months.
    http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/000388.htm
    Not that I’m trying to diagnose you. The reason I’m giving you all of this information, is because I had to kick and scream for them to not cut me, because I was sure this was what I had, and I was right! I also didn’t want to be dependent on meds for the rest of my life. If I can save other people from being cut, I’ll do what I can!
    -H

  23. Hed

    Hair loss, energy loss, and swelling hands, especially if they are sensitive to heat or hot water and swell up when exposed to hot water, especially, are all classic signs of an unbalanced thyroid.
    This is not a reason to panic. The thyroid is a funny gland, and it will occasionally become imbalanced, especially after childbirth (My daughter was two when I developed a problem with mine,) or weight loss. It’s like your body is trying to go back to the weight it was because it was comfortable there.
    But, if your levels are off, I IMPLORE you to ask for a referral to an endocrinologist, rather than an ear, nose, and throat specialist, which seems to be what they like to do. Don’t allow them to do this! ENTs thrive on unnecessary thyroid surgery, and it’s possible to end up with an unnecessary removal.
    Here is a link about the type that I had. If you have a diagnosis of an imbalanced thyroid, yet experience no pain or lumps in your throat, there is a good chance that this is the kind you may have. And the good news about this, is that it resolves itself! I was fine after about 4 months.
    http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/000388.htm
    Not that I’m trying to diagnose you. The reason I’m giving you all of this information, is because I had to kick and scream for them to not cut me, because I was sure this was what I had, and I was right! I also didn’t want to be dependent on meds for the rest of my life. If I can save other people from being cut, I’ll do what I can!

  24. jenfromboston

    Ditto SJ’s comment – but not even factoring the weight issue/aversion and the leg pain and the other symptoms you’re experiencing – dude, think about the much needed sleep that’s MIA here (not that YOU aren’t aware – I just mean, Good God woman, it’s like you’re being quadruple teamed WWF-style and that’s just mean. MEAN.) Sleep= Much Happiness in my little corner of the universe.
    anway – it’s the 30th – hope you kept (or as it’s 2:20 PST, are keeping) your appt. and are on your way to getting your body to ack rite.

  25. wordgirl

    New reader. I had some of the symptoms you describe. Thyroid was the culprit. An endocrinologist is a good doctor to go to unless your internist is willing to do a REALLY GOOD BLOOD TEST. Most regular internists have a wide window for what they consider to be “normal thyroid function”. Even a person who is hugging the doorframe of normal can exhibit many symptoms. Untreated for a long time, they can be really hard on you. Hair loss. Fatigue. Weight gain (it screws with your metabolism), bad circulation in the extremities, constipation, killer PMS, insomnia….
    Glad you’re getting it checked, but if this doc isn’t willing to pull out all the stops (and doesn’t mention the word “hashimoto’s disease”…go someplace else.

  26. girlplease

    any pill that requires a blood test every 30 days means that it can cause liver damage. is a diet pill worth that?
    yes you work hard
    yes you are very frustrated
    but you did it before and you can do it again.
    dance your ass off at the dance off class.

  27. Jerri Ann

    girl, don’t beat yourself up, you’ve done awesome and maybe you do need some help with the last little bit……just be smart and keep up the good work (I say that as I woof down a big bowl of chocolate ice cream)

  28. BETH

    HUNNY YOUVE DONT GREAT I KNOW YUO THINK YOUR OVERWIGHT OR SOMETHIN BUT YOUR NOT I DONT THINK YOU ARE AT ALL YOUR BEAUTIFUL!! BUT I KNOW WAT I SAY DOSEN COUNT! BIG HUGGIES HUN!

  29. Kay

    Seriously get your thyroid and sugar levels checked. I have both diabetes and hypothyroid and I have the same symptoms, unless something new has cropped up, in that case, I don’t wanna know.

  30. RSM

    If I don’t work out 4 days a week, I GAIN weight. It’s ridiculous. So, I have to work out 4 days a week just to stay at the weight I’m at – and it’s not like I even eat a lot. It’s very frustrating. I’ve been heavy and I’ve been skinny – both are exhausting. I’m so tired of making weight such an important part of my life – I just don’t know how NOT to.
    I genuinely think you look incredible and I really hope that you are proud of yourself for how far you’ve come. That’s what you should be focusing on – not having a bad week or two. You rule. And it’s a fact ’cause we all think so. So, there.
    ELLLLLLIOTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!

  31. Coralie

    LOL, the hypochondriac in you is probably going totally mental after reading all these replies!
    (but I agree, get your shit checked out, not htat I’m one to talk, my doctor asked to see me in a month, that was 6 months ago)

  32. Nancy

    Ask your doctor to check your B12 level. I also was having trouble sleeping due to my arms and hands going to sleep (numbness) at night. They they started going numb during the day. I thought it was all due to the huge weight gain I had experienced. However, the doc told me that the numbness was symptoms of a B12 deficiency. I go in once a month and get a B12 shot. It has stopped the numbness and has given me a lot more energy.

  33. Meg

    Honey it’s really sounding like you need to go to the doctor. I’m a very depressed person and you’re sounding a bit like me. (((hugs))) I hope you feel better soon.

  34. jonniker

    Oh Y, I’m totally feeling guilty for all the hypochondriacal/diagnosing posts, along with screams of depression. Feeling murderous, as we’ve discussed 😉 – and even at myself.
    I hope the appointment went well, and I hope you actually *went*, and get this taken care of, because really, I think it’s likely something very simple.
    Hed: What you had is post-partum thyroiditis, which isn’t what most people have, and it’s not caused by weight loss, save for extreme cases (like anorexia). Most thyroid disorders don’t “fix” themselves, and visible lumps/painful nodules are not always present with Hashimoto’s or Graves’, and are 99% of the time benign if they are present. Good ENTs don’t handle thyroid cases unless cancer is present and discovered by an endocrinologist or cytopathologist, and even then, they usually consult for surgery with the endo. I’m just feel awful that you had that experience, for it is not the norm, and it’s not right – you poor thing. Alas, though, good endocrinologists are hard to find, too, as most of them are preoccupied with diabetes and see thyroid disorders as simple problems.

  35. LotionBarBunny

    I think you need to see the dr. just for the symptoms going on alone, Y.
    I agree with you “just saying no” to pills. Who wants diarhea in the middle of a dance off? Am I right? I mean kicking your leg up for the Charleston and someone gets hit in the face with crap…who wants that?
    OMGosh just that image alone has left me laughing.
    Sorry, not laughing at your expense.
    Don’t be ashamed of yourself because you have 40 pounds to go and you are slacking. I have had freaking Windsor Pilates sitting in a box for 4 years now. My husband freaked out that I have only followed the DVD’s a few times–he seems to think that if I follow the tapes I will soon look like Daisy Fuentes. Hello I am only 5’1″, I can never look like her. Maybe mini Daisy. And I suppose I would have to be Latino too? Sheesh.
    😉
    xoxo

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