The one in which I email Jay Mohr and tell him to “Scroll to the bottom” so he doesn’t have to read about me farting in aerobic dance class.

Tonight Aerobic Dance Class was Ceraaazy, people.
I admit that I get more pumped up then a person should get about dancing aerobicly. I also admit that I am EXTREMELY COCKY about it and pretty much think I am The Best Aerobic Dancer in the mutha fucking HOUSE.
Anyway, cute Aerobic Dance Instructor with the Perfect Buttocks was all “Tonight, we do Hip Hop/Jazz combination.” And OH MY GOD. I wanted to scream because A COMBINATION DANCE IS A DREAM COME TRUE. I held it together on the outide, but on the inside, I was dying (DYING!) from excitement (ok, and my mouth was watering a little too.)
The dance started and they were pretty simple “moves.” So of course, the other wimmins thought they were all that and started to get all cocky. Totally uncalled for, bitches. (I know, I know, I’m cocky, who am I to talk? Um, only The Greatest Aerobic Dancer to have ever dance aerobic-ly. That’s who! REPSECT THAT SHIT.) I was like “hell to the NO on that. It is *I* who rules the room, it is *I* who Gets All The Moves The First Time. Don’t even try it.” Seriously.
She starts incorporating the harder moves and do I even need to tell you that I nailed each and every one of them? No. I do not.
Finally, we get to the end of the dance and she does this TOTALLY AWESOME MOVE that I nail the first time (Of COURSE I do!) At least I thought I nailed it until I feel a woman furiously tapping my shoulder and hear screams of “You’re RIGHT hand, not your left, your RIGHT!” My first reaction was one of shock, like, I KNOW she did NOT just touch my aerobic dance arm in a violent like manner. But, as I was thinking of how to take her down for even thinking of STEPPING TO THIS, the girl next to her shouts “yeah, I’m following YOU, so if you’re gonna stand in the front row, you should get it RIGHT.”
I’ll let that sink in for a minute.
What.The.Hell?
I couldn’t believe what was happening and that THE WIMMINS WERE HOLDING ME ACCOUNTABLE FOR THEIR MISTAKES. As if I was some kind of Aerobic Dancing GOD who they look up to and who is not allowed to make mistakes. UM. I am not the Instructor, but a mere student of The Aerobic Dance. I realize that I am awesome at it and I’m flattered that they look up to me in that way, but no one forced their asses to follow ME. Hello? Am not the instructor. DO NOT EVER TAP ME ON MY ARM OR SPEAK TO ME DURING THE DANCE EVER AGAIN.
To get them back (and this is a true story!) I let one rip towards the end of class and gave them a little something “special.” But that’s not even the best part. Oh no. You see, after I ripped one, I turned around and looked at the “two who tried to step to this” and made a face like “HOW DARE YOU.”
What can I say, Aerobic Dance brings out the absolute best in me.
In other completely unrelated news, my “friend” (no! really) Jay Mohr asked me if I could get a group of 50 people together to go see him at The Irvine Improv this weekend. I didn’t have the nerve to tell him I only know like 29 people in real life, but I was all “Sure! I will ask the people who read my BALAWWG if they want to go with me to see the show!”
Anyway, if you’re in So Cal and you know, want to go see a great comedy show, email me, or just purchase tickets from The Improv and I’ll see you there.
(His buffness is TOTALLY worth the $$. Oh, and he’s kinda funny.)

29 thoughts on “The one in which I email Jay Mohr and tell him to “Scroll to the bottom” so he doesn’t have to read about me farting in aerobic dance class.

  1. becky

    dammit! if this weren’t the weekend before finals i would totally go with you. crap. i wish it were next weekend instead. have fun. :*

  2. Sarah

    I wish there were tickets for watching your aerobics class. I really, really do.

  3. jenfromboston

    “but a mere student of The Aerobic Dance”–
    If I was single that would be my opening line at bars when I hit on men. and then I’d walk away and let them think about that.
    I can’t believe the wimmin folk got up in your grill like that. Oh, and **the tapping**? yeah, that’s a hate crime waiting to happen. but as the wise Ms Mary J Blige has said, “No hateration’, holleratin’, In this dance for me’”. Tho props to you for redefining “percolatin’”. Seriously, nicely done.

  4. xtx

    omg u need a reality show because I need to TIVO it and drink wine while watching it!

  5. LotionBarBunny

    Ha–because farting as a form of vengence is funny. ;) Take that suckas!
    Please tell your friend (really) Jay Mohr that he should come to Northeast PA to show us what funny is all about. These peeps are so damn clueless about funny over here. They need to have it brought!
    And if I was rich and could afford airfare to come to Southern Cal., I would totally be person #30 going with you to the show.

  6. Kristin

    Now see, if I were in town this weekend I would totally go, BUT NOT for the buffness of Jay Mohr, but to stalk you and maybe buy you drinks.
    Cuz I think you’re funnier.

  7. Me

    No joke, that would be the one tv show I’d tune in for- reality tv of mommybloggers- you Amalah Dooce etc and a few others I like that aren’t as popular . They could do a 1 hr show, with 10 min blocks or more of each MB’er, constantly changing scenes.
    Y, you’re in Cali. You should write up a script and submit it. Shoot, you might hit the big one!
    But if you do- you owe me. Like at least enough money for airfare to come see just 1 aerobic class of amazing entertainment.

  8. Missie

    You make me laugh so hard I am crying over here. I bow to you, oh goddess of the Aerobic Dance. How dare those mere mortals presume to touch you during your most sacred ritual. I commend you for not smiting them with lightning shooting from your aerobic waving fingers.

  9. Melody

    I would LOVE to go if there are still some available! I’ll check out the website and find out the info, let me know please! :)

  10. Missy

    Remember Michael Flately (or something like that) from Lord of the Dance? When you called it “The Aerobic Dance” it made me think of him and you are like his equal! No one would EVER think to tap HIM on the shoulder! Yvonne–Lord of the Dance!

  11. Mega Mom

    I’m SO mad I don’t live in So Cal right now (but just right now, I don’t think I’d be a good California gal).
    Can you PLEASE tape one of these dances? I loved the little dance clip last month and I’m dying to see more. Did you already do one for Daily Dancer?

  12. tara

    thanks for cracking me up!!! i needed a good laugh since i am in the middle of the day in which the baby wouldn’t stop crying. awesome

  13. ishouldbeworking

    Missie~ROFL!
    “I bow to you, oh goddess of the Aerobic Dance. How dare those mere mortals presume to touch you during your most sacred ritual. I commend you for not smiting them with lightning shooting from your aerobic waving fingers.”
    She chose instead to smite them with the lightning shooting from her aerobic dancing butt! Way to go, Y, ya showed them wimmins!

  14. DebbieDoesLife

    Good Lord! Why aren’t you teaching this class??? You obviously are the most talented aerobic dancer in the room and I am sure the leader was doing it wrong NOT you!! That’s what you should have told those rudie women who dared to touch you whilst dancing. That is so breaking the rules. Ripping one on ‘em was simply payback.

  15. chrissylas

    Ha… I just watched a movie with Jay Mohr in it. Sorry… that never happens.
    This post was great. And I, the whitest girl most nonrhythmic of all, would even take a class from you. If you laughed at my “white girl can’t dance” self though I’d cry I think.

  16. Jen

    Unless that woman was nailing every move (which obviously she wasn’t since YOU are the best one there!), she had no right tapping you anywhere. Hell, even then she’d have no right. You should have been like “of course I know it’s the right hand, but I wanted to switch it up a little”.
    If I lived within any kind of “don’t need a loan to get gas” driving distance, I’d totally go see Jay Mohr with you!

  17. Tracy

    Ok, so, when will you be directing your friend (really!) Jay Mohr to come to Omaha. Cuz, you know, once the corn’s in the ground, there ain’t much to do around here ‘cept look at hot comedians.
    Why do I hear crickets chirping again??? And dammit…that banjo…

  18. mikey

    When those two bitches start paying you for instructing them on aerobic dance, then then can bitch at you for making the wrong moves.
    I mean, holy fuck, they can’t even bring themselves to take personal responsibility for making the wrong moves in an aerobic dance class? What next? Will they blame you if they don’t lose weight?

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