I’m hoping to go deaf before they get to the part about “wet dreams”

A couple of weeks ago, my son announced that Sex Education was going to start and I needed to sign the permission slips.
I signed them without any hesitation because I was the ONE AND ONLY teenager in my class that wasn’t allowed to participate in sex ed. I’ll never forget how humiliated I felt when the teacher announced that I needed to leave because I wasn’t allowed to participate because MY PARENTS CHECKED NO.
Well, the classes started last week and let me tell you, I’m having a hard time with the whole thing.
Talking about sex with my boys when they were small was easy for me. But as they get older, it became more difficult because, well, you know, BONERS AND STUFF.
I have been asking him questions about The Sex Ed everyday because I want to be involved and in the know about what they’re teaching my son about The Sex. And also? I’m trying to pretend to be completely mature and NOT IN THE LEAST BIT UNCOMFORTABLE with the whole thing but let me tell you, it’s so completely uncomfortable. (For both of us.)
The other day, I picked him up from school and because I am truly trying to be “open and totally ok” with The Sex Ed, I was all “So! How was sex ed? What did you learn today?” And he was all mortified and turned white and said “It was totally gross and disgusting.” And I was all “Why!? What did you talk about it?” And he was all “Um, I don’t want to talk about it Mom.”
I honestly think he would have rather allowed me to stab him in the leg repeatedly with a #2 pencil then continue the conversation, but DAMMIT, I am an involved, open minded parent and I was not going to be shut out like that.
“Son, I’m your mother, there isn’t anything you can’t tell me. I already know everything you’re learning, so tell me.”
“Ok. We had to watch the movie about ‘girls.’ And we learned about, you know, tampons and stuff.”
At this point, I had conflicting emotions. I kind of wanted to throw up because OMG. VAGINA TALK WITH MY 13 YEAR OLD SON IS FREAKING ME OUT, but, I also wanted to be mature and matter of fact because VAGINAS ARE A PART OF THIS THING WE CALL LIFE.
I tried to be mature. I honestly did, but The Akward took over and I took the TOTALLY IMMATURE ROUTE. I started tickling him and saying things in a really high pitched voice like “HAHA! Andrew knows about The Period. TAAAAAMPPOOOONSS. WEEEEEEE!”
Can you feel the akwardness?
The next day, he stormed in to the house and said “MOM! Sex Ed is getting grosser by the day! Today we had to watch a baby be born.”
My first thought was “Holy SHIT! My son saw a V-A-G-I-N-A” and, again, I wanted to throw up, but this time I took the high road, people.
“There’s nothing gross about a baby being born son, it’s natural and a beautiful, spiritual experience that changes your life forever in the greatest way.”
I think he likes it better when I act 12 because the kid didn’t know how to respond.
“Whatever, mom. There was blood and amniotic fluid and um, mom…”
I panicked a little because, OH MY GOD! What if he’s about to say something really gross, like “And the womans vagina was all hairy” so I started thinking of ways to cut him off. Perhaps I could interrupt him by saying something really important, like, you know, “hold on, I have to fart!” but before I could interrupt, he finished his sentence with “And the baby looked like an alien.”
What a relief! I did not have to hear my son say “vagina”, but! I did have to hear my son say “HYMEN”, (As in “Hey, mom, is a HYMEN a male or female part, I forgot” to which I responded with a dry heave and a “Um, which do you THINK it belongs to” because um… I totally wasn’t prepared for him to blurt THAT out all non chalantly.)
Knowing that my son “knows things” now is effecting me in ways I never imagined. For instance, the other day, Tony and I were making out in the room and when he got up to go outside, I was all “OMG! You can’t go outside like that! Look! You can see your, um, you know, boner and ANDREW TOTALLY KNOWS WHAT THAT IS AND OMG. WHAT IF HE NOTICES?”
(True story! I actually freaked out about that. OH MY GOD. HELP.)
Perhaps I’d have a completely different attitude towards this whole “Discussing sex with my children” if my parents had discusssed sex with me. But, my parent did NOT discuss sex with me, except to tell me that you get pregnant by standing too close to a man and so I’m kind of lost as to how to not make it one big “HAHAH YOU KNOW WHAT A PERIOD AND A HYMEN IS” joke.

32 thoughts on “I’m hoping to go deaf before they get to the part about “wet dreams”

  1. Pinkme

    I will never forget driving my 12 yr old, now 15 yr old home from school on “Sex Ed” day. He talked non-stop about “erectors” and how a baby was made from sperm from his “tenicles”. I almost wrecked the car. He actually taked non-stop the whole way home. I threw in my two cents worth on the whole waiting until your married to have sex and he said “don’t worry, it looks disgusting”. At 15 his mind is starting to change about that whole “disgusting” part.

  2. Itchy

    We didn’t have sex ed at my school. Not like what you are discussing. We may have had a very general chapter about it during our very general health class but that was it. I didn’t see a baby being born until I was 31 1/2!!! How sad is that?
    However, my Mom let me read a little animated book geared for a child my age to learn about that stuff. And it scared the crap out of me and I hit in the bathroom for an hour. So if I become a Mom who knows how I’d handle it…

  3. Nina

    We didn’t have sex ed here. But I really hope my kids go to a school that has a good version of it, because I really don’t want to discuss that stuff with them. He’s only 7 now, but I’m terrified of doing laundry, you know, later on his in life. I just don’t know what I’ll find!! ugh!
    No one ever discussed sex with me other than to say “don’t do it!!” Of course, I’m still a disgrace because, oh my god, I had pre-marital sex!! hahaha

  4. ozone ferd

    giggling my MFing ass off… I let the wife handle those talks with the 12 year old who is now 15…
    Every time I hear hymen I’m reminded of that joke…
    [airport intercom] Hymen…paging Buster Hymen… Mr. Buster Hymen please pick up a courtesy phone…

  5. Tuesday

    I think you should be allowed to hire someone to have the talk with your kids.
    The person could say “Your Mom & Dad know you are to shy to talk to them about sex and they are equally uncomfortable, so I am here to answer any questions…………….”
    I would hire someone for that.

  6. Joelle

    I love that you and Tony still make out in the living room.
    Also? I love reading these stories, dude. Hey, do you think I’ve ever left a comment here that didn’t use the word “dude”?

  7. Nyco

    So, I’ve been reading your blog ever since you found out you were preggers with Gabbie, but I never felt the need to comment until today. This is one of the most hilarious posts I think I’ve ever read. Growing up is so awkward and painful, it’s awesome to read about what parents think during the process. Keep posting about your sons… It’s fascinating! I can’t help but wonder if my mother felt the same way when I came home talking about sex ed and the–er–scrotum. And I can’t help but wonder if Mom still makes out… Now I’M feeling awkward!

  8. E :)

    When I was 18 months (yes, I said months) old my Mum was pregnant with my younger brother and I asked her how babies were made. She told me the truth. I told her I wanted a demonstration. She said that wasn’t appropriate and has been laughing about it to this day!
    My Mum has always been brutally honest with me about EVERYTHING and I think I’m all the better for it. It might be humiliating and weird, but I think it was definitely for the best. I never fell victim to any stupid stories at school.
    You and your hubby are so cute still “making out” after three kids! Now to your kids I bet that seeing you guys smooching is WAY grosser than being told about “The Sex.”
    Good luck! And consider yourself lucky you’ve escaped the whole question until now…

  9. ben

    Haaa!
    First off, I went to a workshop at my church not too long ago. It’s required if you want to be allowed to volunteer around “the children.” Because our particular church (the one with the pope and stuff) kinda messed up the Taking Care of the Children part for the last thousand years or whatever.
    Anyway, we have to take this class. And they warn us at the beginning – it’ll be graphic. Then we watch movies and we discuss situations and hypotheticals and there was not ONE vagina mentioned, much less a penis. (I mean, penis. They joke about that on TV, don’t they?) They actually said things like “down there” in class.
    I felt so much safer after that.
    Oh, other thing – my wife teaches anatomy. My kids already know about a penis and a vagina. They just don’t know how it all works yet. Except the two year old – she has the most mysterious smirk sometimes, I swear she’s thinking of a dirty joke and not sharing.
    (just kidding! Don’t call CPS on me. She’s really three)

  10. Mona

    Hahahahaa worth reading yr blog at 1.46am, I thought I stopped over at yr blog before I sleep. Thanks for funny real life stories you told us. Love youuu~

  11. Aly

    You’re a very brave woman, and kudos to you for having the balls (Balls! Ha!) to talk about sex ed with your kiddo. All I can say is thank god I don’t teach older grades.. I couldn’t deal with the health stuff, rofl.

  12. Aly

    Gah!
    P.S. I am a lurker who sailed over from Amalah’s site.
    And I am apparently hated by your comments section, since they have not let me post until now. Using an email address that is dead and buried mind you. Feck.
    Anyway, now that I know I can post here (Hoorah!) I’d just like to de-lurk and say a) Your family is adorable, b) You’ve made me definitely want to take up aerobic dancing and c) Your blog is one of those that constantly make my day.
    Shutting up now.

  13. lynne

    I feel for you. I remember the fastidiousness of early teens and general squeemishness of coming to terms with the facts of life. We got a talk at school about periods and very little else. I think it is cool you can actually talk about this with your son, as my mum is so coy she never gives us any details about our births, not even about our parents courtship! No sex please were British! Yet I knew they did the dirty as when I was eleven I walked in on them naked in their bedroom in the middle of the afternoon! I think this is why I am short sighted;)

  14. jonniker

    It is highly possible that this is my favorite post of yours, like, ever.
    I mean MY GOD, this is awful, embarrassing stuff, but you’ve written about it in the most epic, hilarious way.
    “Vaginas are hairy!” was TOTALLY my first thought, I was like, “No. NO. DO NOT TALK ABOUT THE HAIRY VAGINA.”
    And truthfully, I feel as relieved as you must have that he didn’t, because THANK FREAKING GOD.

  15. vertyeux

    Y, yours is always the first blog I read, every day. This post was awesome. I was immediately thrown back to my own sex-ed class. I know the move Andrew is talking about; we watched it in the 7th grade and I swear they made the movie extra gross on purpose. I remember being too horrified to even notice there was a vagina on the SCREEN, nevermind if it was hairy or not – I just remember legs, then a waterfall of fluid, the baby, and then the placenta just flopping out- which was the part when all the boys huddled over the lab’s sinks because they thought they were going to be sick (prolly why I haven’t had kids yet, and I’m 35) – no wonder he was so horrified. I’m sorry you didn’t get to experience it – you could have discussed how awful the movies were as opposed to dealing with the squick factor of knowing that your kid knows about sex and that he knows that you know that he knoews (if that makes any sense).

  16. danelle

    Having gone through this several times, my best assvice is to keep the lines of communications open and let him know you’re totally open to any questions he has but that you won’t prod. Make sure you always use the right words for body parts and functions – it’s actually been shown that kids who are encouraged to use “other” words are far less mature in other areas, and besides they get teased like the dickens when their classmates hear them say pee pee and woo woo!

  17. Amy

    All this talk about hairy vaginas, and guess what? Annika FINALLY had that baby.
    Oh, and typekey still hates me. Or is pretending not to know me. Even though we’ve been introduced a MILLION TIMES BEFORE.

  18. chrissylas

    Ahaha…. I bet the video was called the “Miracle of Life”. Oh my god that was uncomfortable watching…and I’d already seen a live birth! I was in the room when my sister gave birth to my nephew and holy shit that was best form of birth control a 13 year old girl could have. Dear god 18 hours in a room with a screaming, whining woman will change a person.
    Seriously though… awesome post. I have no idea what I will ever do when I have kids and this part of health comes up. Locking the door to the bathroom and refusing to come out til my husband has had “the talk” with them maybe?

  19. Broad

    Wait until he asks you about kegel exercises. Won’t THAT be fun.
    I had a 41 year-old male friend mention the kegels to me, and I was freaked out for a week.

  20. dana michelle

    Good Lord, woman, I was laughing out loud through that entire post. You have the most hysterical take on things.
    For instance the stabbing repeatedly with the “#2″ pencil. Hee!!!!
    It’s stuff like this that makes me think maybe it’s good I never had kids. I would probably die on the spot if I had to have “that” talk.

  21. chris

    Oh God, I dread this stuff. Why must they learn about the sex can’t they stay celibate forever….
    I remember those videos of the woman giving birth from when I was a kid. It was so freaky.

  22. elementaryhistoryteacher

    I enjoyed your post and all of the comments. Sex isn’t an easy thing to speak to your kids about and I guess that’s why we have “those” classes in school now. Just think about us poor teachers though….we don’t want to do it either. Every year I end up with the boys simply because I have a son. It isn’t really a memory of me I want them to have. I want them to remember the American Revolution or some activity we did…not the facts about sex that I was required to tell them.

  23. L

    I loved this post!!! Until I remembered that I have 4 boys that will eventually be going through Sex Ed too. OMG!! I don’t think I can handle it. I almost lose it every time one of them starts realizing that they get hard ons and says “Mommy look, my peeper is hard” while flapping it out of his pants!!!!
    Oh man I don’t know if I’m going to make it in a house of boys :):) My oldest is 5 and my younges is 5months so I will be dealing with this for a long time!
    Anyway, thanks for the laugh. I’ve been coming here for awhile but this is my first comment.
    L

  24. mikey

    What if he’s about to say something really gross, like “And the womans vagina was all hairy”…
    The first thing I thought when I read that was “Oh, I’m sure the documentary folks had a hair and makeup department to keep that in check.” I wouldn’t want to be that person…

  25. TeacherMom

    Okay, y’all, I teach 6th grade and yes, I teach Sex Ed. And I feel your pain (and your laughter bubbling up inside you as you try to remain calm) because it takes every dramatic skill I possess to keep a straight face when I’m answering questions in front of 30-some pre-adolescents.

  26. Izzy

    Oh My. God. I about peed my pants while I read this. I have a son so I will no doubt be dealing with this, too. God help me :)

  27. ajr

    omg thank god i have a couple more years to push that talk off. my son still thinks that mommy’s poop babies out their butts lol.

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