And so began a lifelong pattern of making “bad choices” with scissors.

There was a period of time where the church I grew up in went all “Cult.” They started preaching crazy things from the pulpit. Things like “Christian women didn’t wear makeup, because that made them Jezebel whores” or “Women had to wear dresses because ONLY MEN CAN WEAR PANTS.”
Also? Women had to have long hair. Pretty long hair.
As a young girl, I wanted nothing more than to have bangs. You see, I had this crazy widows peak and when I’d wear my hair back, people would make fun of me. On more than one occassion, I was called “Squiggy” (from Happy Days.) Kids are so cruel! I asked my parents if I could cut bangs, but the answer was always “Absolutely not!”
One night, whilst in the bathroom, I started playing with my hair to see what I would look like with bangs. I pulled some hair to my forehead and held it there. It was in that moment I came up with a brilliant idea. I thought “if I cut a little piece of bang, no one will ever notice and I can get a better idea of what I would look like with bangs!”
I got the scissors, took a chunk of hair from my widows peak and chopped it off.
There, in the middle of my forehead, layed one piece of bang. The minute I saw it, I panicked. How in the world could I hide that chunk of bang from my parents?
But then, I had another brilliant idea! I would shave it! Shave the piece of hair and Ha! Haaaaa! No one would ever know what I had done.
Um, except the very next day in Sunday School, the Sunday School teacher was all “What’s wrong with your head, Y? Is that a bruise?”
(Because, you know how when you shave a patch of hair and there is stubble left, it kinda looks purple?)
I wanted to lie, but I was in The House of The Lord, so, I told her the truth of what I had done. After she finished laughing hysterically, she asked if my mom knew about it. Of course my mom didn’t know about it! But Sunday School teacher made sure that she knew about it. (Just like the time she “made sure” that my mom knew that I had thought it was be HILARIOUS to change the first line of the hymn “The Old Rugged Cross” to “On a hill far away, where we all used to play, :insert something funny about a boy seeing my underwear:” Man, I got whipped GOOD for that one.)
My mom was P.O’d. And as punishment, she REFUSED to allow me to cut bangs, meaning I’d have to suffer the “grow out” in humiliating fashion.
Oh, The teasing I had to endure! Especially once it started growing in and got all spiky and shit.
“PORCIPINE!”

Here is the only photographic evidence I have of the actual growing in of the bangs. Thank GOD I was such a “looker” who did not need makeup to look all hot, because, MAN, life would have really sucked if I was akward looking in addition to having a protruding patch of bangs sticking out of the middle of my forehead.
(I wanted to bad to make a “She thinks my tractor’s sexy” joke, but FOR THE LIFE OF ME could not think of one that was actually funny, but look! I found a way to bring up the tractor without it having to actually be funny because ha! ha! ha! ha! I’M LEANING ON A TRACTOR.)

31 thoughts on “And so began a lifelong pattern of making “bad choices” with scissors.

  1. The Other Laurie

    Girl, you can barely even tell. All I see are two HAWT chicks standing by a tractor and ONE of the chicks is kinda showing off.
    My sister wanted hair “down there” so bad that she grabbed a razor and shaved her “thing”.
    Dry.
    And hard.
    The next thing you know, we are having to put aloe vera on her privacy.
    Since that didn’t work, she took some cat fur (that had been shed, apparently) and scotch taped it.
    Down There.
    Good times.

    Reply
  2. Vicki Culver

    Very funny! And it brings back memories. My sister, who was 5 years older and thought she was the queen of fashion, once came home and demanded that I try the newest hair-style rage. “Wispies” she called them — simply a few pieces of bang wisping out from an otherwise full head of hair. Phoebe Cates wore them on the cover of Seventeen, and that’s all I needed to know. I let my sister cut them. Of course, she did a terrible job and they looked totally shitty! I had a brown stripe (similar to yours) in the center of my forehad. I looked ridiculous!

    Reply
  3. Y

    Laurie. I’m DYING over here.
    And for some reason, your story reminds me of the time I wanted to shave my legs, but couldn’t because, guess what? I wasn’t allowed! So, I decided to shave “random patches” of hair, that way, I could be less hairy, but not actually break the rules.
    When I got to school the next day (Junior high, people.) Everyone was all “OMG. WHY ARE YOU LEGS ALL PATCHY?” Because, you know, I had THICK BLACK HAIR on my legs and there were random patches of smooth leg mixed in with the hairiness.
    Ha! HA! I’m so brilliant though. Seriously.

    Reply
  4. H.A. Page

    You do have a great knack for tellin’ the story. Wonderful post and it brought back lots of memories for me, too… You seemed to “catch” that exact period of time when we all were there.
    Cheers

    Reply
  5. E :)

    Oh man. I hated my fringe (’cause that’s what we call “bangs” in Australia) when I was little OH SO MUCH. But my Dad kept cutting it and cutting it and cutting it.
    So as soon as I was old enough I grew my hair to my waist and that’s the way it’s been ever since. HA HA.

    Reply
  6. vdoprincess

    Ohmyword–I did almost exactly the same thing…except I was a little younger, so I can’t remember the details. All I know is I cute myself bangs with fingernail clippers, decided I didn’t like the way they looked, so snipped them off at the root.
    And then I went and did the same thing, minus the clippers, to the mane on our pony. Seriously. (He was a really patient pony.)

    Reply
  7. Mamacita

    I used to cut my sister’s hair all the time and blame it on her, till she got old enough to tell on me.
    My daughter had a habit of cutting all her top hair off to the scalp the day before picture day at school. She did this for three years straight, and keeping picture day a secret from her made no difference. If she ever makes me mad, I’m going to post all those scalped pictures on my blog.

    Reply
  8. apsies

    We live next to a family that only wears skirts and can’t cut their hair. How’d you get out of it all, did your parents flip out?

    Reply
  9. Kay

    Laurie you totally hijacked and one upped this entry! LOL Cat hair? I love it!
    To Y, It wasn’t my hair but I wasn’t allowed to wear a bikini so I cut my one piece into a 2 piece and thought noone would notice..the things we do as kids, let’s hope it doesn’t bite us in the ass! ;)
    Oh and I SO have pics of me ON a tractor in my underwear…so that totally trumps Squiggy bangs and leaning on a tractor right? I am so proud. HEEE!

    Reply
  10. Sarah

    I couldn’t think what a widow’s peak was, so I googled it. And d’ya know what I found on Wikipedia? “Also believed to be a sign of sexual prowess in folklore”.

    Reply
  11. Louise

    I just noticed that you took down the crossed-out “hot latina”/ overweight woman thing in your ‘about me’ section and I just wanted to say YAY! FINALLY! You are awesome.
    Also– wow, yeah, that’s one stubbly peak you got goin’ on there. We know from your wedding pics that you did eventually get to have bangs (boy did you ever!) but when were you finally allowed?

    Reply
  12. chris

    OMG Y I did the same thing with my hair. Only I cut an entire braid off and flushed it down the toilet. Then I pretended someone did it at school.
    And I too shave random patches on my legs, which I thought looked fabulous, but everyone else pointed out how stupid it looked. And still my mother wouldn’t let me shave my legs.

    Reply
  13. Jes

    Louise, good call! Y, that is awesome, I bet that felt great.
    Also, both you and Laurie, hilarious! My little sis did that (patchy, not kitty fur), or rather I think I did it to her, I can totally remember how utterly hilarious it was. And, bonus, I got to tease her the whole time it grew out!! (not that I would have done that to you, you’re much too nice).
    Have a great day punkins!

    Reply
  14. nicole

    One time our very Texan pastor was preaching about respecting different doctrines and things and he said that some denominations had the “no makeup for women” rule. He said whatever, that was fine if that was how they chose to worship, but personally he thought “If a barn needs paintin’, PAINT IT!” I never laughed so hard in my life!

    Reply
  15. Jennifer

    I think everyone must have their own horrible haircutting experience (I got yelled for “trimming” my own hair at the ripe old age of 25… by my hairstylist).
    When I was about 12, I caught my little brother, who was about 8, cutting his own hair in the bathroom. Being the good, loving sister that I am, I snatched the scissors away from him and attempted to do some damage control… but he’d already made a pretty good mess of things. As I’m trying to even out the patches, my mom walks in on my holding scissors (the big kind with an orange handle) over my brother’s butchered hair. And I get grounded for “ruining” his hair.
    Life ain’t fair.

    Reply
  16. Jennifer

    Wow, I just remembered another hair story. I never realized all the hair disasters I’ve had over the years (including perms and ultra short boy cuts).
    So, I was in the car chewing some gum when I decided to tilt my head back, spit the gum out, and try to catch it in my mouth. Needless to say, I missed, and the gum was “lost”. Later, I found it stuck in my hair, and I was so afraid my mom would find it and yell at me (I had a good reason, after the last story) that I decided to get the orange handled scissors out again and just amputate the gummed up hair. I thought no one would notice the huge chunk of hair missing from the back. Of course, they did. I didn’t get in trouble though. I think my mom figured having to wait for the missing chunk to grow back was punishment enough.

    Reply
  17. Laura B.

    So funny! I cut myself some bangs in the fourth grade. They were about half an inch long. Incredibly sexy. There was really nothing my mom could do to help me cover it up, either. Just had to let them grow out. AND THEN, I stupidly thought I could cut my own bangs in high school. I did better than I had in the fourth grade, but no. Just no.

    Reply
  18. Debbie

    So, have you ever had bangs? Oh yeah, I remember the 80′s hair puff. Never mind. No, really that’s okay. I DON’T need to see that again.

    Reply
  19. teresa

    My sister did the same thing. She hated her huge, puffy bangs…so she shaved them ALL off. Then took some of her hair from the back…combed it forward and cut it to look like bangs. Talk about a MAJOR comb over. Too funny.
    By the way Laurie…I can’t stop laughing at your sister!!! Dry shave…OWWW!! Cat hair!!! No FREAKING way!!

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