God wouldn’t have given you maracas if He didn’t want you to shake ‘em

Thanks to Melly, I now know that Jada Pinkett is in a band.
I think “something inside of her is pissed.” But I’m not too sure because I was too busy laughing hysterically to understand the lyrics.
HAHA. She thinks she can sing.
And that she is “hard core.”
And that The Internet isn’t laughing at her.
Man, I love Celebrities.
But not as much as I love my Aerobic Dance class.
Last week, I had an appointment with a dermatolgist to see if he could figure out with the HELL is going on with my skin (Confession: Doc put me on antibiotics for the Bloody Rash, but, um, you know how G-Unit is still Partaking of The Bobs? Yeah, well, I’d rather deal with The Rash then with a Toddler crying for The Bobs.) and I cancelled that appointment because it was at 6:00, which happens to be the same time as my dance class.
I thought about skipping class and going to my appointment, but, then, I closed my eyes and could hear my instructor, in her beautiful russian accent shouting “MORE HEEEP, MOVE YOUR HEEEPS!” and I was like “There are hip thrusts and pelvic grinds to be learned tonight! Bloody rash can wait!!”
I do believe I am officially “obsessed” with my dance class. I think about it all of the time. I pratice the moves for my family (which, can an aspiring aerobic dancer GET A LITTLE RESPECT? All of the eye rolling and “Ok mom, we get it, you learned a new dance.” and the “HAHAHA, that’s a dumb move” comments aren’t necessary. Don’t hate me because I’m an aerobic dancer.)
My obsession with dance class may or may not have something to do with the instructors buttocks. They are perfect. They are bubbly and soft, completely Lump Free and just… mmmmmm…Perfect. I’ve been known to stare at them during the “floor exercise” portion of class. If her ‘Tocks could talk, I’m pretty sure they would tell me that I was making them uncomfortable and that if I didn’t stop looking at them as though I wanted smother them in BBQ sauce and throw them on the grill, they may very well have to get a restraining order.
Grilled Buttocks… it’s what’s for dinner!
This is the way the class works. Every Friday night, she teaches a new style of dance. Then, she continues that dance on the Monday and Wednesday night class. So far, we’ve done Riverdance (HELLOOO Bouncies Titties!), Salsa (Discovering your “White” is more more dominant than your “Mexican” in front of complete strangers is great fun!) Jazz (NAILED IT) Hip Hop (Nailed it. Because thrusting hips is My Thang) And this week? It’s Funky (There’s a move called “The Monkey.” HAHA. I laugh through most of this one. Which, also means, I Rip’Em too. Which, means, I laugh even more because HAHA I farted doing The Monkey.”)
Do you see why I LOVE this class. We do “The Monkey”! And I fart freely! Without fear of judgement! Because, how could anyone know it was me, what, with all of the fans blowing! Seriously. It’s like I’m at a bar and the bartender is all “FREE DRINKS FOR YOU!” Only, I’m at a gym, and there are no drinks and the only thing that’s free is the air that I just expelled from my ass. But, you know what I meant, right?
Oh my God, I’m so excited just talking about it that my mouth is watering excessively. I need to swallow.
I’ll end this by sharing something with you that has nothing to do with my dance class whatsoever.
The other day, I “happened” to come across a list of symptoms of “colon cancer”. (Don’t ask. I won’t tell.) One of the symptoms was “Your stool is thinner than usual”. I wish to GOD I had never read that because, well, let’s just say I’m obsessing over the “width” of my stool.
And let me just say, I’m convinced it’s “thinner than usual” and well, how do I bring THAT one up to The Doc?
I should have ended it with something dance class related, no?

59 thoughts on “God wouldn’t have given you maracas if He didn’t want you to shake ‘em

  1. clickmom

    Re: the rash- if they say this word to you INTERTRIGO give me a call. Battled it for months and finally (3 docs later) got over it. Painful.
    Re: the stool. HAVE A COLONOSCOPY. My babe, a 37 year old mother of three had colon cancer. It happens, don’t take chances. Early detection is key.
    God, what a humorless comment. ick.

  2. E

    That’s the problem with this country… You can watch TV for ten minutes or innocently be reading a magazine and there are so many ads from drug companies etc that you begin to think you have several of the most terrible diseases. I diagnose this whole place with hypochondria. I’ve never seen anything like it except in the USA! And it’s not the fault of the American public… Drug companies have so much to answer for.

  3. Pamalamadingdong

    It’s so sad that will hasn’t taught Jada how to dance…or like sing or whatever that is she’s doing. Ha…oh my god I was embarrased for her. Rage Agaisnt The Machine meets clueless or something.
    mines thinner too!
    ack!

  4. starr

    Maybe thinner means consistency and not diameter? I can’t believe I just typed that.
    Gah.

  5. Kalani

    I thought everything flowed nicely.
    Maybe since you are thinner your poop is thinner too?
    (i was going to type stool but couldn’t bring myself to do it)

  6. chris

    Oh I am such a hypochondriac I actually make myself sick to my stomach convinced that I have some sort of horrible cancer and am dying. And then I cry looking at my children who I am sure are going to be motherless.
    Just last week I was convinced I had ovarian cancer because I was really gassy and bloated and kinda getting fat around the stomach. All of which are signs of ovarian cancer. All of which are also signs of overeating the bean dip and chili.
    And I hate talking about it because I don’t want to trivialize it for the people who are actually going through cancer.

  7. Me

    You are a riot. Get thyself to a dr and get a white blood count done. Very simple. If your count is normal, then very low (as in non-existent almost) risk of cancer.
    Thinner stools can also be from a change in diet, such as more water, more fiber, more veggies, less fat.
    Just FYI.
    But again, you are a riot. Only you could combine cancer with the hilarious images of non-Shakira shaped women doing exercises involving pelvic thrusts and bouncing bobs. (which is why I de-joined the gym, didn’t want the world looking in the window at my cottage cheese legs jamboree).
    So have you thought of taking your angel to baby modeling competitions?

  8. Kay

    A little TMI but I have dealt with colon cancer and you don’t have to ponder if it is too thin. You just don’t, think pencil size or smaller when it used to be as big as a Snickers (sorry for the visual) but that is when you can be concerned and only if it is consistent because constipation can do the same thing.

  9. Y

    HA. I have been known to do the Atomic Dog.
    Man, I knew I should have left the poop thing out. I scared the internet away.

  10. Lisa

    I too get myself convinced I have everything out there. Right down to Lupus. And don’t get me started on what possible diseases my kids and husband have. My husband has had a terrible back for years, and is in big time pain again, and now I’m tweaking he may have lung or liver or pancreatic cancer after reading they can cause back pain. And now just reading about Ovarian Cancer? I’m fat around my stomach! Ahhhhh! It could also be the fact that I had 3 babies in 3 years and the beer and junk food I may or may not have weekly. Hmm.
    Oh – I am so glad you provided that link to that band. OMG I couldn’t watch it anymore out of sheer embarassment for her. I’m still laughing.

  11. Mega Mom

    I can’t wait to see you show off your dance moves at BlogHer. I think you should teach a special seminar on Salsa and The Worm.

  12. Kristin

    Um… totally skipping the um, bathroom part of the post (because I am REPRESSED and can’t go to the bathroom if my husband is HOME… 11 years of marriage and the man thinks I am crazy) but the dancing? Yea dancing! And the monkey! You could dance and clean houses and then someone will make a movie about you and you will be RICH RICH RICH!!
    And your daughter? OMG… she is soooo cute!!!

  13. NinaKaye

    I would love to be in that class with you! I dance at home and my husband is embarassed for me, but I’m just trying to show the kids that it doesn’t matter what people think. Besides, who’s watching me? Him and the kids.
    I know nothing of the colon cancer. I’ve had a “tumor” in my arm since I was around 8. Apparently it’s not a “tumor” but something else…I still call it a tumor and refuse to have it looked at. And I must come down with at least one new disease a week, although I’ve been sticking to depression and/or anxiety recently. I think I just want some drugs.

  14. Y

    Ninakaye I think it’s great that you’re teaching your kids to not care what people think.
    Also, as I’m typing this, my boys, WHO ARE ON SPRING BREAK, are slapping the shit out of each other and OH MY GOD THEY’LL BE HOME FOR TWO WEEKS.

  15. Sara

    You’re all “(NAILED IT.)” HAAAAAA. Awesome. You don’t know how much I GET THIS. I never thought I was a competitive person (not saying this is the same for you) until I hit the aerobics room. I always have something to prove in there and if I can get recognition from the instructor, that is like the ULTIMATE. Cuz I needs me some validations.
    And if you’re choosing exercise over uh, anything? Go with it. Or that’s what I tell myself because it’s so rare.

  16. Y

    Sara? This is why I love you.
    You TOTALLY get it.
    HAHAHA “The ULTIMATE” Because, yes, it is. And I really do feel like The Shit when I get it.

  17. Melissa

    Shake that thang! I’ve been doing Tae-Bo (among other pseudo martial arts stuff) trying to lose weight and the other day my husband said that I was starting to look dangerous when I do it. I’m not sure if that was a compliment or not, but I prefer to believe that it is!

  18. DAwn

    Ok you are hilarious!!! I think I need to go to your dance class! How fun. I’m addicted to the Salsa aerobics class at my gym.
    And Sara – that is the ULTIMATE!! I’m glad I’m not alone.

  19. Tanya

    Have you seen that Visa commercial with the breakdancing worm? Every time I see it, it makes me think of you. (I’m sure you needed to know that.)

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