Guess where I went on Saturday night?
Let me give you a hint.
Well, then let me tell you. I went dancing.
It’s been years since I’ve gone line dancing, so, when my sister invited us to go in honor of her birthday, I was like “I’m SO there!”
I almost flaked out at the last minute for stupid reasons, such as “I have nothing to wear!” “I’m fat! Which means I can’t wear jeans! Which means I can not wear MY JUSTIN ROPER BOOTS, which, HAHA, yes, I own Justin Roper Boots!” But, I did not let the stupid voices in my head win and I got my ass in the shower, put on the same outfit I wore when we went to The Improv to see Jay Mohr, (which officially makes that my “going out” outfit) hopped in the van and drove myself to Da Club.
Da country western club.
Within the first 5 minutes of my arrival, I got asked to dance, which I do believe means that “I’VE STILL GOT IT”. Sure, the guy had a speech impediment, a limp, was wearing a belt buckle the size of God and a cowboy hat, BUT EVEN STILL.
I was amazed at how quickly I remembered all of the dances I had learned “back in the day”, but more amazed at the large number of grown men who live in southern california who honestly believe that they are “cowboys.”
Hey, if wearing a cowboy hat that you bought at the mall whilst walking around with a beer in your hand mouthing the words to the country song blasting from the speakers makes you a cowboy in your mind, more power to ya, partner.
During one of the dances, this short, older woman (and I only point out that she was short AND old to be catty) approached me with this nasty attitude and started yelling at me.
Yelling! At me! On the Line Dance Floor!
“Those are not the right kind of shoes for this kind of dancing. Those shoes are bad, not good, very bad.”
Part of me wanted to show her how wrong she was by KICKING HER IN THE STOMACH with my shoes and showing her how, sure, they may be bad for linedancing, but they are TOTALLY AWESOME for knocking the wind out of your “I’m the line dancing shoe police” ass. But, I took the high road. I made a face, put my hand up in the “Shutup and quit talking to me” position and shouted back “I KNOW THAT.”
Seriously, I hate people like her. I totally should have kicked her.
I was a little disappointed that we had to leave before they did the “Freestyle” dancing, because I was really looking forward to busting out some of my Aerobic Dance Class moves. Specifically, The Monkey. I did, however, get a chance to show them off in the parking lot on the way to the car.
That was a special moment, because one girl actually said “Wow, that was a cool move.”
We aerobic Dancers live for that kind of praise. It’s like “In saying that, you’re acknowledging that I have paid close attention in class and that I have, indeed, mastered That Move.”
Speaking of Aerobic Dancing.
Last night, we learned “Belly Dancing.”
Let me just tell you that when the word “Belly” followed by “dancing” came out of her mouth, the excitement that came over my body was almost too much to contain. Have you people seen my belly? I don’t have to do much to make it move. I mean, I sneeze, it dances! I cough, it dances!
I was tempted to grab that sack of fatty goodness and scream “I’VE GOT THIS ONE MASTERED, BITCHES. Y’all might as well just leave now!”
I don’t know why I’ve gotten all cocky about my aerobic dancing, but I have. When I come home, I talk nonstop shit about a few of the wimmins in the class and my husband, God love him, had to stop me the other night and said “Do you ever stop to think they probably feel the same way about you?” Which, HELLO? WHO’S SIDE ARE YOU ON ANYWAY, DEAR HUSBAND? But, he’s right. They’re probably all “That fat girl up front thinks she is THE SHIT, someone needs to tell her that she’s not. We should totally trip her on purpose next class!”
Which, if they did trip me on purpose? I’d be like “Bitch, let’s settle this with an Aerobic Dance Off. OR ARE YOU TOO SCARED?”
At this point, I have no idea where I’m going with this because, I do believe I started this post talking about my night out line dancing and somehow, it’s deteriorated into a fake fight with Aerobic Dancing WANNABES.
Guess where I went on Saturday night?