Slapping Leather Belly Dancer

Guess where I went on Saturday night?
Let me give you a hint.

Give up?
Well, then let me tell you. I went dancing.
Line dancing.
It’s been years since I’ve gone line dancing, so, when my sister invited us to go in honor of her birthday, I was like “I’m SO there!”
I almost flaked out at the last minute for stupid reasons, such as “I have nothing to wear!” “I’m fat! Which means I can’t wear jeans! Which means I can not wear MY JUSTIN ROPER BOOTS, which, HAHA, yes, I own Justin Roper Boots!” But, I did not let the stupid voices in my head win and I got my ass in the shower, put on the same outfit I wore when we went to The Improv to see Jay Mohr, (which officially makes that my “going out” outfit) hopped in the van and drove myself to Da Club.
Da country western club.
Within the first 5 minutes of my arrival, I got asked to dance, which I do believe means that “I’VE STILL GOT IT”. Sure, the guy had a speech impediment, a limp, was wearing a belt buckle the size of God and a cowboy hat, BUT EVEN STILL.
I was amazed at how quickly I remembered all of the dances I had learned “back in the day”, but more amazed at the large number of grown men who live in southern california who honestly believe that they are “cowboys.”
Hey, if wearing a cowboy hat that you bought at the mall whilst walking around with a beer in your hand mouthing the words to the country song blasting from the speakers makes you a cowboy in your mind, more power to ya, partner.
During one of the dances, this short, older woman (and I only point out that she was short AND old to be catty) approached me with this nasty attitude and started yelling at me.
Yelling! At me! On the Line Dance Floor!
“Those are not the right kind of shoes for this kind of dancing. Those shoes are bad, not good, very bad.”
Part of me wanted to show her how wrong she was by KICKING HER IN THE STOMACH with my shoes and showing her how, sure, they may be bad for linedancing, but they are TOTALLY AWESOME for knocking the wind out of your “I’m the line dancing shoe police” ass. But, I took the high road. I made a face, put my hand up in the “Shutup and quit talking to me” position and shouted back “I KNOW THAT.”
Seriously, I hate people like her. I totally should have kicked her.
I was a little disappointed that we had to leave before they did the “Freestyle” dancing, because I was really looking forward to busting out some of my Aerobic Dance Class moves. Specifically, The Monkey. I did, however, get a chance to show them off in the parking lot on the way to the car.
That was a special moment, because one girl actually said “Wow, that was a cool move.”
We aerobic Dancers live for that kind of praise. It’s like “In saying that, you’re acknowledging that I have paid close attention in class and that I have, indeed, mastered That Move.”
Speaking of Aerobic Dancing.
Last night, we learned “Belly Dancing.”
Let me just tell you that when the word “Belly” followed by “dancing” came out of her mouth, the excitement that came over my body was almost too much to contain. Have you people seen my belly? I don’t have to do much to make it move. I mean, I sneeze, it dances! I cough, it dances!
I was tempted to grab that sack of fatty goodness and scream “I’VE GOT THIS ONE MASTERED, BITCHES. Y’all might as well just leave now!”
I don’t know why I’ve gotten all cocky about my aerobic dancing, but I have. When I come home, I talk nonstop shit about a few of the wimmins in the class and my husband, God love him, had to stop me the other night and said “Do you ever stop to think they probably feel the same way about you?” Which, HELLO? WHO’S SIDE ARE YOU ON ANYWAY, DEAR HUSBAND? But, he’s right. They’re probably all “That fat girl up front thinks she is THE SHIT, someone needs to tell her that she’s not. We should totally trip her on purpose next class!”
Which, if they did trip me on purpose? I’d be like “Bitch, let’s settle this with an Aerobic Dance Off. OR ARE YOU TOO SCARED?”
At this point, I have no idea where I’m going with this because, I do believe I started this post talking about my night out line dancing and somehow, it’s deteriorated into a fake fight with Aerobic Dancing WANNABES.

35 thoughts on “Slapping Leather Belly Dancer

  1. Itchy

    Oh you crack me up! It’s that danger of the Aerobic Dance Off that makes me afraid to go to one! 😀 That…and I can’t find one to save my life. I think I’d love, love, love a belly dancing class. But again…I can’t find one. I know they are out there…but I have no idea how to find them.

  2. lastewie

    I am way out of shape, but? I’d love to participate in an Aerobic Dance Off. At this point I think the Grapevine is sassy, so maybe it would get me back to the gym. If only just to expand my repertoire. Snap. God that thought is as good as coffee. Thanks!

  3. dana michelle

    a) You look too cute in that cowboy hat.
    b) Actually you look pretty fine altogether in that pic.
    c) What the heck are Justin Roper boots? Am I just too painfully Midwestern to have a clue?
    Happy Tuesday!

  4. ben

    Few things:
    You can walk around the mall? With a beer? I’m so moving to your town. Don’t care if I can’t afford it.
    It’s “Pardner” or if they’ve really been on the range for a while, “Podner”
    I’ve finally met someone who doesn’t know what Justin Ropers are. Never mind that I drive past Justin all the time (it’s practically down the street from my inlaws) but if word ever gets out that I don’t and never have owned a pair I’ll be thrown out of texas faster than you can say ‘livestock genetics’

  5. Heatherg

    Heatherg loves Y !
    You are just too much.
    Wanna come to Florida and get drunk with me at a bar where they wear cut off jean shorts and boots?
    They play hip-hop booty music.
    All in one.
    Its just more fun to be drunk while watching older country boys wearing boots and jean shorts—-hip hop dancing to “shake that ass bitch”
    I am sooooooo NOT kidding.
    Really, I’m not.

  6. LC

    Y ……. GIRL ……. you are looking HAWT in that picture. Woo hoo girlie :)
    I so wanna go to Florida with you and Heather. Sounds like SO much fun and I could SO use a night outta his house without Hubby and the kiddos.

  7. Nothing But Bonfires

    PLEASE, if you have an aerobic dance-off, PLEASE invite me. Or at least tape it and send it to me. I cannot think of anything that makes me happier than the prospect of a dance-off. I’m practicing a little move I call The Gay German Square Dance right now.

  8. Cori

    Oh dear God, I just had a vision of Aerobic Barbie getting her ass kicked by a “real” woman on a dance floor, complete with disco ball and color changing lights. You’re so damn hilarious.
    And HOTT! Holy hell, woman!

  9. Hed

    Heh. You totally should have challenged that old catty woman to the aerobic dance-off. I’m sure you would have kicked her ass!

  10. Claire

    Ok, so I normally just lurk round your site, but I had to come out of the shadows to tell you that this entry made me LOL all over myself! SO hilarious!! Oh, and I think that many, if not most situations would be improved by a danceoff. Get a speeding ticket? Only pay a fine if you can’t outdance the cop! The world would be so much better if we only had more danceoffs!!

  11. nine

    ok Y, you must tell me where this club is where you partook of the Line Dancing because i have always wanted to learn and i finally found me a man who wants to show me how. all we need is a venue, so…
    GIVE IT UP, sister!
    (privately is cool, of course. you know where to find me. 😉 )

  12. jonniker

    STOP. Stop, please, just stop. I’m dying. The whole thing is priceless. And really, what was the reason behind the shoes and the Shoe Yelling? Why are they so wrong? I feel like I need to know in case, you know, I ever go line dancing (which would probably be with Appalachian serpent handlers down ’round these parts, and which would also never happen because country music makes my ears bleed.
    But really, was it concern for your comfort? The floor? Just to be a total bitch?

  13. Mary

    omg it is like 12:34 and my ass is cracking up!
    Oh wait it is only 9:34 out there right?
    You are so freaking funny.
    And you know what? I saw a diet pepsi commercial with your boy in it today and I THOUGHT OF YOU!

  14. demondoll

    Now, see you have a kind heart. Me, I would have stomped on her foot in my (what are Justin Roper boots?) and then apologized,”I am so sorry, I didn’t hear you, my boots are out of control”
    Old pic or new, too cute!

  15. Kay

    OH Gawd…I am laughing my ass off! Thanks for that!
    “I’ve got this one mastered bitches!” BWAHA hA Ha

  16. girlplease

    God. We are so alike. For one–the worm. For two–line dancing (I used to go when I was single). For three–the “boot” thing. A girl at work look at my scuffed, K-Mart penny loafers and gave the “eye roll” to the other girl and went “yea well, THESE look like Prada.” I told her “Prada, shmada. Mine will still hurt when I stick them up your ass.”

  17. E

    Kicking that woman would have provided some good resistance training. You gotta take every opportunity to exercise!!!!

  18. Miranda

    Hey there. It’s the lurker from over at Melly’s.
    Just wanted to say THANKS A LOT for making me laugh out loud in public. I’m fairly certain I look insane (that may have to do with my sweatpants, though) and I am also fairly sure I peed. Just a little.
    Also, I am jealous that you can dance. I can’t move to music to save my life. I have to triple-check the blinds at home to make sure no one can see me try to imitate the dancing I see on the Tee Vee because I would die if anyone witnessed that.

  19. melly

    We should go line dancing when you come here in December. It’s a horny good time. Not that we’ll misbehave.

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