E!X!C!L!A!M!A!T!I!O!N! P!O!I!N!T!S! AND BEEEEEES!

First of all, I have to thank you all for the advice on how to solve my computer problem.
I downloaded a few of the free programs y’all suggested and once I was able to get them to run, they seemed to have fixed the problem. At least for moment. There are no more “BIG TIT” photos being imported, nor is there anymore renaming of my photos.
Now, I must make a confession. I know EXACTLY where I picked up the precious little virus/spyware from and as TOTALLY EMBARRASSING as it is, I’m going to tell you where.
I got a “friend request” from some radio station on MySpace. I clicked on over to check the site out. Oh man. This is where it gets really embarrassing. There was a section on their page with a bunch of what looked like “Profile pics”. Just about the photos, it said something like “Send us your photos and we’ll feature them here.”
There was one photo that stood out to me. It was a Very Large Half Naked Woman. Curiousity got the best of me and I wanted to see her “page” so, I clicked on the photo! WORST MISTAKE OF MY INTERNET LIFE!
Instead of being taken to her myspace page. A little x came up on the screen and the photo downloaded to my computer and the next thing I know, a ton of pictures started pouring into my computer. At first, they were advertisement like photos, then, all of a sudden BAM! Look at this here very large cock! And look at this here, um, very shaved vagina! And then, and this is where I started to cry and panic, MY photos were being renamed to things like “Cocksucker” and “Tittay lovah”.
I won’t go into anymore details, because… BORING. But! I was able to download a few programs and apparently, they removed whatever the hell it was because there are no more pictures being imported and all of my pictures are back to the way they were.
I really hate hackers.
Celebratory Fingahs (Because seriously, the first thing I thought of when I could upload again was TAKE DOUBLE BIRD PICTURES FOR FLICKR!)
I give them The Double Bird!
Now! Let’s move onto some exciting stuff!
I am not feeling good today (translation: I’m hemorrhaging like a MOFO) so, I thought I’d treat myself to a Green Tea Frappucino. I got G-Unit dressed, put on a bra and off to Starbucks we went.
It was the most perfect Green Tea Frap that I’ve ever tasted. Just the right amount of Melon Flavor, perfectly blended, no huge ice chunks… It was truly perfect.
When we got home, G-Unit wanted to “WEE” on her “WEE”, and I knew that was what she wanted because she said “WEE! WEE?”. I was on a high from my Perfect Frap and even though I had a million things to do in the house, I was like “The housework can wait! Let’s WEE!”
Not two minutes into the Wee Session, I hear this strange buzzing sound. Chills ran up and down my body because it sounded a lot like a bee. And I’m scared of bees. Terrified, even. I look up and HOLY SHIT OMG BEEEEEES. EVERYWHERE. COMING RIGHT AT ME AND MY DAUGHTER.
I dropped my frappucino to the ground and I screamed something like “OMG! BEES! MUST GO! INSIDE! DON’T! WANT TO! DIE! MUST SAVE GABBY! OMG! BEEEEES!” whilst trying to get my daughter out of the swing.
I was telling myself to “stay calm” because “OH MY GOD THE BEES CAN SMELL MY FEAR AND THEY ARE GOING TO KILL ME!” But, “OMG THE BEES WERE GOING TO KILL ME!” So, staying calm wasn’t an option.
Yes. I thought they were “Killer bees” and yes, I thought they were coming to kill me and my daughter.
Now. I have a “history” of over reacting to things, but, in this case, I think my reaction was completely justified.
I got her out of the swing, ran to the door and tried to unlock it, but I was shaking so violently, I couldn’t get the key in the slot. I finally managed to get the key in, opened the door and shut it behind me.
G-unit was screaming, I was crying and not quite sure what to do.
“The police must know so they can warn The Citizens about the Killer Bees!” So, I called the police department.
The phone call went a little (or, maybe, just maybe EXACTLY) like this.
“Hi! OMG! I was outside with my daughter. OMG! Sorry! I’m so scared! I could have died. Ok. Um, So, I was outside with my daughter and OMG! Bees! They started coming towards us! I could hear them and OMG! I’m sorry! Bees! They came at us, hundreds of them! And! Omg! I’m so sorry, I’m freaking! I thought they were going to kill us! OMG! Help! They’re still in my front yard! I can’t open my door…”
“Maam? Let me give you the number to Vector Control.”
Vector control? Was she serious? Shouldn’t she be dispatching policemen and firemen to my house to figure out how to stop the vicious Killer Bees? Shouldn’t she be telling me things like “Oh my GOD! Keep the doors locked and do not go back out there!”
I call Vector Control and basically give them the exact same story and the lady was all “Ok, ma’am, do you still see the bees?”
“Yes! OMG! They’re in a huge pile in my tree! RIGHT NEXT TO MY DAUGHTERS SWING!”
Apparently, it was just a swarm of bees “resting” and they just happened to choose MY tree and um, they weren’t Killer Bees trying to kill me and my daughter and ha! ha! like always, I TOTALLY OVERREACTED.
And by totally overreacted, I mean “dropped my Perfect Frappucino and left it there to melt away.”
In all seriousness, I am always amazed at the intense and powerful instinct to protect my children from harm. The truth is, I was worried more about my daughter getting stung then I was about my own safety. I actually thought of how I would lay over her body and take the “stings” so she would be safe, but then got scared at what would happen to her if I died whilst being stung and she was left all alone there in the front yard where she could do things like “run into the street”.
And even though I was overreacting and the bees weren’t trying to kill us, I would have offered myself ALL OF THIS up to those bees in a second if it would keep my daughter safe.
But ha! ha! They were just regular ol’ bees looking for a place to rest.
Man. I really do need to learn how to Chill The Hell Out.

52 thoughts on “E!X!C!L!A!M!A!T!I!O!N! P!O!I!N!T!S! AND BEEEEEES!

  1. gc

    I don’t think you overreacted. Well, maybe calling the cops was a bit over the top…but you can sure as hell I’d have beaten you to the door if I had been there with you. Bees scare the bejesus out of me.

  2. Y

    HAHA. Yes! I called the cops! Seriously!
    I WAS IN A STATE OF PANIC. Do not judge me.
    But! How can you not? I called the cops to tell them about BEEEEES!

  3. melly

    ratty just emailed me and offered to help you fix it. But it looks like all is well. I have a huge headache :/
    Kieran will be back on Tuesday.

  4. NinaKaye

    If bees came around me like that, you’d probably be able to hear my scream all the way there. haha I wouldn’t call the cops because we don’t have cops…but I’d be screaming pretty loud.

  5. danelle

    The cops probably had a good laugh over a glazed doughnut about that one. But I..uh..called the cops when there was a bird in my house…
    MySpace is evil, I’m telling you. It is BANNED in this house after we’ve had many many MANY problems (technical and REAL LIFE weirdos) due to the use of it. Yes, my children are 18 and 20 and they are banned from myspace. They live here, I am in control…period. Whee!

  6. Amy

    A friend of ours had a bee hive on the side of his apartment once. There were THOUSANDS of bees buzzing there, and they got into his walls and into his house, it was UNBELIEVABLE. YOu’ve never seen so many bees. I called animal control and they were absolutely NO HELP whatsoever. He actually had to move out and stay in a hotel for a few days until the landlord got rid of them YUCK.
    I’m actually not at all afraid of bees, having been stung many many times in my youth–however, my kids have food allergies and we have lots of seasonal allergies in the family so I’m terrified they are also allergic to bee stings. Terrified!

  7. Debbie

    Y, that was one of your best!!! The drama! The bees! Life and death! And cops even!
    At least you didn’t run off and leave poor Gabby. I did that one time when I a huge, vicious 1000 lb. rottweiler came at me one day when I had my baby in the stroller. I tried to use the stroller (with my baby in it!) as a block between me and the dog. I bawled when I realized I had not saved my baby first. You rock.

  8. CrazedMomof4

    I use to handle bees different, but since I found out my oldest is allergic to them, I look at them as evil killing machines too!
    But I have, in the past, seen several swarms of bees go by. I remember once, when I was a kid, a swarm flow over my head & I remembered from school to just lay low, so I was afraid my Grandma’s dog would get attacked, I layed down on the ground & covered her. Trying to keep her calm because she was barking away at them & acting scared. That happened after I saw one of those killer bee Sci-fi movies.
    Then a couple of years ago a swarm of honey bees moved into our neighbors tree & we were right outside when it happened. The tree was closer to our house, then theirs. They had a bee farmer come & get them. I’m glad we didn’t know about my son allergy then. Because I might have over reacted!:)

  9. Laurie

    Wow. You react like I do. But…I have a bee killer brother. That’s right. I had a “resting” beehive bullshit one time and I called him. He came right over…IN HIS BEE SUIT!!!! My sister and I hid out in her Jeep in the driveway, all the while rolling down the window MERE CENTIMETERS, to give him advice.
    He.
    Killed.
    Them.
    All.
    Then he scooped them up and put them in a plastic WalMart bag in my DUMPSTER….that just so happens to SIT in my GARAGE!
    For THREE days (until trash pick up) I would SWEAR that bee zombies were going to fly outta there and beat my ass.
    I feel your pain.

  10. Laurie

    Oh…one more thing….I thought he had some SECRET formula he was spraying on the “HIVE OF DEATH” but when I asked him, he told me it was just soapy water.
    Then he went into this whole story about how when the soapy mixture hits them, they think it’s raining so they flap their little wings and something about their lungs are attached to their wings or WHATEVER and the soap gets sucked into their little bee lungs and they die.
    He knows his shit.

  11. FlippyO

    Yeah, but the important thing – have you tried the Blackberry Green Tea Frappuccino? It’s yummy.
    I hate bees too, but maybe Starbucks jinxed you with their “Akeelah and the Bee” promo.

  12. E

    HAHAHAHAHA! You are so damn funny.
    But stingy bees aren’t funny. When I was little I was being pushed my Dad on a swing at the park and he couldn’t figure out why I suddenly started screaming until he realised I was being bitten all over by a swarm of HORNETS!
    Damn it hurt. Decades later I can still feel the pain. You totally did the right thing in getting your daughter out of the way.

  13. Hed

    Right now, I’m afraid to go upstairs, because there are wasps the size of Jeff Goldblum up there. I don’t know how they keep getting in, but I’m afraid. I’m VERY afraid!
    You have my permission, after that, to go get yourself another frap!
    -H

  14. jonniker

    STOP. Are you serious? Police. Bees. POLICE AND BEES.
    This might be the greatest story ever told.
    (and you said cock. And now I want cake. Great.)

  15. Lori

    OMG! This is the most hilarious story I’ve read in a while! And who says you are overly dramatic?

  16. Stacey

    I’d do the same thing. When killer bees make it up here I’m never going outside EVER AGAIN.
    My worst fears? Heights, and bees. If I were to be stuck in a high place with a bunch of bees, I’d probably shit my pants.

  17. Dawn

    Well if it happens again you don’t have to worry about Gabby running into the street because remember….you’ll be laying on top of her. LOL. So sorry to laugh at your trauma. I probably would have freaked out too. Not sure that I would have called the cops but I defnitely would have freaked and ran like hell.
    Glad all is well now. Too ba about the frap though.
    Dawn

  18. oshee

    I once had bees come into the house through a slightly cracked window. Of course, the window was right over my front flower garden. Talk about scared. I grabbed the kids and ran from the house and drove away. I wouldn’t go back inside until my husband got home and declared it safe. Dead bees everywhere. I don’t understand bees. They scare me!

  19. Sarah

    At the point in the story when the two of you were evidently *outside* weeing, this little Brit thought to herself, hmm, I’d better click the link and check what Gabby actually means by “wee”. ‘Cause going to the potty on the front lawn is crazy even for you guys.
    Then again, you did call the police about killer bees ;-)

  20. kim

    OMG i knew you were like the drama-queen of southern california [maybe even the US] but this most certainly topped it all. AWESOME. you called the cops. man, i cannot believe you called the cops over bees you thought were trying to kill you. wow. i love you. even though i have to say if i had been there i would have probably slapped you and told you to HOLD IT TOGETHER WOMAN. it’s just BEES! awesome. :D

  21. ben

    Okay, that’s great and all, but GO BACK AND GET ANOTHER FRAP!
    Tell them your BEEEES story! If it isn’t perfect, they get a double bird and you can come blog about it and make me snort coffee out of my nose (again).

  22. Another Amy

    Delurking to laugh my ass off. So exactly something I might do! We have a small man made pond in our back yard, that attracts frogs. Laugh if you must but I am totally freaked out by frogs. I make my husband dump gallons and gallons of bleach (our pond does not drain. AT All.) to keep the frogs away. It’s the only thing that works. Right now, no bleach. We have frogs. I will not go into the back yard for any reason.

  23. Amber

    Hey Y! I don’t mean to laugh but LOL I’d totally do the same thing though! Oh y eah I just added you to My Myspace list :)
    Amber

  24. Jennifer

    I fucking hate bees. I have been stung only once, but it hurt like a motherfucker and my arm was the size of a…something, something really like, swollen and stuff. they are evil creatures, very worthy of fear.

  25. Heather B

    I just finished my green tea frap and it was delicious and I had been made fun of because “who drinks a green tea frap?!?!” But it’s nice to know that I’m in good company by enjoying them.
    I’ve never been stung by a bee and I’m scared shitless of them now.

  26. Tammy

    I tried a green tea frap (on your advice). I’m allergic to melon. Had no idea the evil melon would be in green tea. Ended up at the hospital…BUT!! I’m not scared of bees. I might be a little bit frightened by the crazy lady tossing cold drinks around and calling the cops, though!
    Thank you for making me laugh so hard I had to go wee a little bit.

  27. LotionBarBunny

    I am totally allergic to bees so I understand calling the police!!! haha!
    Yesterday, BBQ’ing went something like this:
    Me flipping the steak….”Crap crap crap–get away bees! Crap! Get!”…..me running like a fruit loop on my deck.
    To people driving by who could not see the tiny bees trying to attack me, I just looked like some loon talking to herself and running around in circles swinging at the air.

  28. chris

    LOL!!! I just laughed right out loud. I couldn’t even imagine calling the police, not just because we don’t have a police department.
    You are so funny. ANd damn,do you look good!

  29. Jen

    The only bees I hate are yellowjackets. I have a good reason. I bet I can beat anyone’s bee story with my past trauma. Seriously, you can read it here.
    I love, LOVE the hair. You are looking fantastic, Y!

  30. Linda

    What I want to know is – is this an isolated instance (I’m thinking *not*), or are you notorious w/ your local PD? :-)
    Fabulous news about your computer, and fabulous storytelling – as usual!

  31. Tonya

    Ha – bees! That made me laugh out loud. Then I started thinking of “Tommy Boy” when they jump out of the car yelling, “Bees! for the love of God run for your lives. Beeessss!” to get out of a ticket. Hee hee. They were trying to get away from the cops, and you called them!

  32. Itchy

    So I’m in my living room watching The X-Files…and some kids are playing on the playground. Swinging, running, sliding…having fun – when one gets stung by a bee…then another…then another…then a swarm of bees is attacking and totally engulfs the teacher! And I start thinking of you. :) And that just makes me laugh and how “we” meet all of these fascinating and wonderful people on the Internet and before you know it…you are thinking of them when you are watching killer bees on the X-Files.
    But I think you should try to be more like Dane Cook in regard to the bees – “Fuck bees!”

  33. Courtney

    I don’t know if you will read this, because it’s so after the fact, but I thought I’d comment anyway. I too am deathly afraid of anything that stings. Last year my kids were playing on the swingset and I had the little one on my lap, swinging away. All of the sudden, a WASP lands on her head. Thank God my brother-in-law was outside. I stood up holding her, arms outstretched as far as they could reach screaming, “GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!” Yes, I’m such a good mommy.

  34. G

    Hey, I nearly swallowed my tongue trying not to scream aloud when a grubbly looking fellow leaned over to take a look at my 2 week old daughter. Yes, look. Not even touch or breathe on or try to snatch from my arms and run away with. It is part of the mama mode I think. Before she was born, I was a hippy who wasn’t sure I could ever take another person’s life. Well, then she was born, and my instinct to massacre anyone who seemed to be a threat to her emerged like a great zit on my soul.

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