What’s that in the butter?

Last night I decided to mix it up get a little kahraaazy at the gym…
by getting a tan.
I’ve only “tanned” once in my life. I do not like tanning beds. They scare me. But, tomorrow is The Wedding and I thought it would be nice to have a little color on my skin.
The girl that works there took me into the tanning room, handed me my protective eyewear, and then, hands me a bottle of some kind of cleaner and informs me that I MUST CLEAN THE BED BEFORE I GET IT.
I have “germ issues”, and issues with “other people’s body sweat”, and so I would have preferred that the bed had been cleaned FOR me. Since that wasn’t happening, I forced a smile and said “Awesome! Thanks!”
Before she walked out, I asked her for a towel. I wanted to drape a little towel over my nipples (That word. Kills me.) because, I don’t ever want to experience burnt nipples.
“Sorry, we don’t have towels.”
Once again, I forced a smile “That’s ok! No big deal!”
But, actually, it was a HUGE deal to me. I did not want crisp-ay nipples and the thought of not having a towel to cover them with filled me with panic and anxiety.
It was time to “clean to bed.”
I picked up the spray bottle, got a bunch of paper towels (enough to protect my hands from Sweaty Wimmin Germs) and was about to spray when I saw “It.”
A pube.
Right there. In the middle of the bed. All alone, all curly. Just laying there.
Instant dry heaves.
No. Seriously. I couldn’t stop heaving.
A strangers Pube! On the bed I was going to lay naked on! STARING AT ME! ALL CURLY LIKE!
After I was able to stop heaving, I came up with “a plan.” No way in hell was I going to come near that thing, so, I decided to blow it out of the way. I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and blew as hard as I could.
Now that The Pube was somewhere other than on the bed, I sprayed the shit out of that bed and after a couple seconds of wanting to throw up, I began to wipe that sucker down.
I am not ashamed to admit I cleaned it FIVE TIMES.
I began to get naked, but decided to keep the chonis on because NO WAY IN HELL was my naked butt going to lay on a bed where another woman’s pube had resided 3 minutes earlier.
Once I was naked (except for the chonis.) I had to decide what to do about “The nipples. I was seriously terrified of them getting burnt to a crisp and I can only imagine how much that would hurt. It only took me a minute and Ha! I had a plan! I came up with the awesome idea of making nipple covers out of paper towels. I tore a couple of small, (ok, large, because… ARE HUGE) round pieces, licked them and slapped those babies right on.
Pure genuis. I know.
After I made sure the protective eye wear was fitted perfectly on my eyes to avoid PERMENANT AND SEVERE EYE DAMAGE like the scary ass sign haning above the bed so clearly warned me about, I felt like I was ready to push the “start” button.
I took a deep breath, checked my Custom Nipple Covers to make sure they were in place, adjusted the glasses one last time to make sure that they were completely covered and finally… pushed the start button.
Six minutes later (I know, most people tan for about 12 minutes, but, being the paranoid freak of nature that I am, I asked her to cut my time in half because I was afraid of burning or getting blister and man, I would hate to show up at a wedding with blisters all over my body.) the whole ordeal was finally over and my skin has a lovely, very slight, darker tone to it.
I’m not quite sure it was worth all of the Drama, but, hey, it’s good to “live on the edge” and get a little wild and craaazy every once in a while.
And for me? That was wild and crazy, people.

42 thoughts on “What’s that in the butter?

  1. Itchy

    You crack me up. When I go to tan…I have to start at like 3 minutes…then build up very slowly. It takes me almost a month to build up to 20 minutes. I’m just that white and prone to burn! It sucks…
    My fear in blowing the pube away…what if I accidentally inhaled and then sucked it into my mouth?!?!? I would honestly worry about that…ew, ew, ew!

  2. CNL

    Y – let me reassure you, your nipples can withstand mild to moderate sunlight / uv without damage. Six minutes won’t hurt ‘em. In fact, they kinda like it. ;-)

  3. Heatherg

    I tan, and i have never had to clean the bed, and i can 10 towels if i want………
    If you are going to tan alot, find a better place, If not, then just know there HAS to be better places out there.
    And ya, the nips like the Zing!

  4. LaMuerta

    Yeah, I’m with Heather — I can count on two hands the number of times I’ve tanned in a bed, but I’ve NEVER had to clean the thing myself. They’ve always been sterilized before-hand (Sanitized For Your Protection!). If I went to a tanning salon and they told me to clean their equipment, I’d give them a HUGE pass.
    And I triple the nipples-love-the-sun motion. You won’t burn ‘em in six minutes, not even in a tanning bed.
    PS: Are you sure you didn’t blow the pube back onto yourself? little black curly haaair …

  5. Hed

    When I was in college, I worked for a tanning place, and it was at least in accordance with Oregon state health laws that we had to clean them, and there were several steps we had to take after each and every customer. Not just the bed being sanitized, but the room would have to be swept, and the trash emptied. It was not up to the customer.
    Sounds like that girl was just being lazy.
    Funny story though… I actually had to ban a girl from the place, because she would always pee in the trash can in the room. And because we had to sanitize the beds, sweep the room, and clean the trash cans every time, it was pretty easy to figure out who was doing it.
    Good for you though, for cleaning the thing 5 times! I think I would do the same thing in that situation.
    -H

  6. NinaKaye

    I’ve never tanned. And I can’t say that I ever plan to. For one thing, I’d just come out looking all burnt, then it’d peel away or I’d have more freckles. For another, I just can’t bring myself to get naked or even near naked in a public place. I even have issues at hotels. What if some perv has been in there installing little cameras? You just never know.

  7. Sara

    Seriously. What the crap kind of place doesn’t have TOWELS and makes you wipe down the bed? Cheap bastihds.
    Custom Nipple Covers…I see money in this, Y. You could make a fortune. You could have famous people faces on them for example NIES NIPPLE COVERS. I’d buy ‘em.

  8. Vicky (Desperate to be a Housewife)

    Tell me they didn’t charge you extra to use the tanning place at the gym. Because. Bastards couldn’t even clean the beds for you? That’s like going to the hospital for an operation and being put to work sterilizing the equipment before you go under the knife.
    …and the nipple covers? Pure genius!

  9. Jennifer

    Where are you people tanning? I’ve tanned in like a hundred different places in the last twenty years and not only do they tell me I have to clean the bed BEFORE I tan, but they make me clean the bed AFTER too. Every single time I tan I have to clean the bed, not once, but TWICE.
    And yeah, nipples do waaay better than butt cheeks in tanning beds. I’ve burned my butt cheeks before, but never my nipples.

  10. poobou

    Your genius custom nipple covers made me laugh out loud. At my desk. At work. Um… hope no one heard that.
    I’ve always been told to clean the tanning bed before & after using it. Not that my pasty whiteness has seen any UV rays for quite a few years now, but that’s how I remember it.

  11. tonya cinnamon

    hahahahahahhahahahahaha you had my laughfing hard .. she should not had you clean the bed and when i used to go they had fans at the end of the bed radio and afterwards coffee juices teas and cokes. and we had towels i was spoilt.
    so i hope your –nipples– gaaa i hate that word too .!!!!
    didnt get burnt and you are a lovely color now and you can go party your booty off at the wedding :0)

  12. ben

    woopsie (hides little camera)
    My nipples never burn, either. Not that I use a tanning bed or anything.
    Hope you’re all shiny now, Y!

  13. Crystal

    I never have a prob with burnt nipples or chocha, but I appreciate the opportunity to clean the bed myself, so at least I know it’s done well. But still, WHAT fucking tanning salon or gym doesn’t have towels!? That’s disgusting!! I occasionally tan, and usually do stand up because the lay downs creep me out, but they ALWAYS give me a towel for wiping off sweat. My suggestion? Never use them again, and COMPLAIN to the manager, because that’s nasty!

  14. Tammy

    I kept thinking you should stick the panties over your nipples, but then you needed them to protect you from wandering pubes. Sounds like one of the nastiest places ever!

  15. E

    Oh no! I so thought you were going to say you accidentally inhaled the pube. How gross is it that they don’t clean the bed for you?
    You are truly a wild child!!!!

  16. Debbie

    What are chonis? Underwear I guess?
    I would have covered my nipples too. Because they are delicate and pink and pretty….my next door, high school, captain of the cheerleading squad, neighbor works at a tanning bed. She’d better be cleaning the beds for customers.

  17. Luka

    ive not ever burned my nipples, but my ass got burned one. that was NO fun at all I tell ya. All in the name of trying to stand out from my white wedding dress.

  18. Nancy

    I’ve never done the tanning bed scene #1 because i’m so white i’m transparent and #2 the germ factor. I would of lost it with the pube in the bed. I give you so much credit for going through with the tanning session.
    How did the tan come out?
    Nancy
    PS i would of cleaned the bed myself even if it was cleaned by the staff, no pun intended. there is no way i would trust the young high school kid to kill all of the germs
    have a great time at the wedding

  19. Amanda

    Just found this site for the first time and say- you’re hilarious! And your family is beautiful. I truly appreciate your outlook on things! :)

  20. pookie

    I seriously, almost wet my P.J’s. NO, REALLY!!
    You make me laugh so hard…when you said strating at me! All curly like! AHAHAA!

  21. Kay

    You think with Chonis being mentioned (hee..I had a CA stepdad that called them that) along with licked paper towel nipple covers I would not be thinking about how WRONG that was for YOU to have to clean the bed.
    Never heard of it, at all. And no towels? My place even has them folded with a peppermint on it and it is unlimited $30 a month.
    Ok now back to the nipple protectors..HEE!!!!!! ;)

  22. LotionBarBunny

    I have never been to a salon where they don’t clean the bed for you in advance. I think that girl was just plain lazy making you do her job for her. And the pube, Gross. What I would’ve done is to somehow get that pube onto a piece of paper, and then fold it up. On my way out, I would’ve smiled at the girl and handed her the paper and said, “Here’s your tip–thanks!” with a big smile. :)
    You are quite inventive with the nipple covers…but did the paper towel get all heated up? I would’ve thought you would have gotten an indirect “heat burn” from it.

  23. Jennifer

    Yeah, that sounds a bit traumatic. I’m a nurse and seeing other people’s pubes make me gag, too. Well, I’m a L&D nurse, so I’m not puking on-the-job, but I would really hate it if I had to clean up somebody’s leftovers from the tanning bed. I’ve only tanned once in my life and I’ve never had crispy nipples, but I like your idea of covering them up anyhow. How’s this for a pointless comment?

  24. demondoll

    The only thing missing off your custom N covers were tassles! LOL!
    That girl was being a lazy sack, they are supposed to clean the equipment down for the clients… ew…

  25. Rachael

    Ewwww. Yeah, I’ve never been to a place that didn’t clean the beds FOR you. I always did it nekkid, and crispy nipples didn’t happen… however tan lines in odd… creases did. Like where your butt meets your thigh? And the lips of your… ahem. Yeah. Nothing like your boyfriend stopping in the middle of oral to laugh at the sharply contrasting tones of your bajangle.

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