It’s like my own little bakery, but not really.

There’s no delicate or pretty way of saying this, and yes, I realize there’s the option of NOT saying it at all, but, why should I only write about The Goodness of my Vagina?
Apparently, I’ve got a yeast infection. I was going to say that I am about 2 hours away from popping a loaf of bread out from down there, but that would just be gross, so I’ll refrain from actually saying it.
I was rather irritated (HA! HA!) by this sudden turn of events in my crotch, so, I decided to investigate what could have triggered the sudden onset of the yeast infection and came across The Greatest Yeast Infection Explanation Site in History. An informative, yet HILARIOUS site about yeasty crotches. BOOKMARKED!
Anyone still reading? Because now I get to the reason I actually felt I needed to write about my yeast infection.
I went to Target to get some medication for my condition. I found “the aisle” for vagina related medications and was SO HAPPY to see that they had “generic” brand medication for yeast infection. And it was $4 cheaper! SCORE! However, after I picked up the box, I was MORTIFIED at what I saw. Unlike the Monistat 7 box, which discreetly says “for yeast infections” or some crap like that, the box for the people who can’t afford the “named brand” shit because they are living on one very modest income had these words in NOT SO SMALL letters sprawled across the front of the box….
NITRAL VAGINAL CREAM
VAGINA ANTIFUNGAL
Oh HELL NAW.
I panicked because, while I really wanted to save four dollars, did I REALLY want the checker to know that I was currently sporting vaginal fungus?
I DID NOT.
But, damn. Four dollars is a trip to Chick Fil A, people.
So, I swallowed my pride and tried to pretend as if I didn’t care about the VAGINAL ANTIFUNGAL statement on the big blue box and threw that bitch on the conveyer belt.
I considered starting a conversation with the man in which I would casually lie and say “I’m just doing some shopping for my mom, because, she’s ‘sick’. down there. Hence the VAGINAL ANTIFUNGAL cream” and how “haha! you probably thought that was for me, huh?”
I was THAT embarassed. And trust me, people, it takes a LOT to embarass me.
That’s just wrong. Do the makers of the generic brand think people who can’t afford the name brand VAGINAL ANTIFUNGAL have no dignity? Seriously, folks, that in the wise words of Whitney Houston, “That shit aint right.
(I wonder if anyone actually read through to the end of this post. And if so… WHY IN THE HELL?)
UPDATED TO TELL YOU OF FURTHER EMBARASSMENT
I have the box of ANTI VAGINAL FUNGUS cream next to my computer and my son just walked in from school, picked it up and said “HEY! What’s this mom?”
Me: Ummmm…(as I watched him read the words on the box. THE WORDS!)
Him: *reading* v-a-g-i-n-a-l-f-u-n-g-u-s…
Me: Ummmmmmm… it’s for ummmmmmm, an infection mom has.
Him: *placing the box down in a very quick manner* ah, oh.
I think he’s going to go throw up now.

43 thoughts on “It’s like my own little bakery, but not really.

  1. Barb

    Delurking to say….
    Yep, I read the whole post, and I’m not ashamed to admit it!
    The “WHY IN THE HELL?”…..
    a) I’m at work.
    b) You crack me up.
    c) I’m weird like that.
    Hope your delicate lady-cream helps!

  2. PINKME

    I’m a huge fan of “yeasty crotch” talk. When my best friend and I were in 9th grade, (Christian School) our teacher was giving us a cooking lesson. Well, actually she was teaching us how to make grilled cheese sandwiches (using that horrible government issued cheese). We found a pubic hair on the cheese and thats all it took. She was forever the “naked sandwich maker”, complete with her own bread maker (get it, yeast…crotch…bread). Hahahaha, it still makes me laugh, I guess you had to be there.

  3. ben

    Patty cake, patty cake
    baker’s man
    bake me a cake as fast as you can
    roll it
    pat it
    mark it with a Y
    Cuz there’s a party going on in Y’s crotch!
    Sorry, couldn’t figure out how to make that rhyme. But that’s the first thing I thought of. I would have SO made Tony go back and buy it.

  4. Itchy

    I read it all…and I also call it “baking bread” so I guess we are both gross together. Good company, I say.
    And my list of why in the hell is basically the same as Barb’s! 😛

  5. beanie's mama

    yup, actually read the whole thing…WHY? i have no idea, but i can sorta tell when you’re going to have one of those momentous posts and you usually crack me up with them. i felt like this was one of those posts…i was right :)
    goodluck w/the baking…or getting to not baking…whatevs…you know what i mean.

  6. Shannon

    Hells yeah I read the whole thing.. you crack me up girl! I’m glad you got something to take care of that yeast beast as my sister calls it :)

  7. anita

    I read. I loved it! I think all us po’ people should start a class action for generic products that cause us emotional distress!!
    One time I had hemmorhoids and I was so embarrassed to buy the butt cream that I spent ALL of what little money I had to buy as many items as I possibly could to try to camoflauge the Preparation H. And then I discreetly hid it in the pile o’ stuff on the conveyor belt so the guy wouldn’t laugh at my butt problems. I couldn’t eat for the rest of the week, but it was worth it because I wasn’t embarrassed. Because not being embarrassed is way more important than eating.

  8. Heatherg

    OK- I’m getting really personal here.
    I never got Yeast infections until after the hubs got his Vasectomy. Since then, there has been more……..uh………….how do i say?……..
    Lets just say he “leaves it in” ALOT more often and all of the sudden i’m getting yeast infections! WTF?
    Im gonna go back and read that website so i can figure out WTF is going on …….. thank you for being so damn informational!!
    I lurve you.

  9. Becka

    Delurking from across the pond to raise my hand and say “yep, stuck with the post right through to the end!”
    And I thought it was bad enough buying thrush treatment in the supermarket with “for treatment of symptons of thrush” plastered all over it in BIIIIGGGG pink letters…

  10. Lassa

    Every time I come to Y’s, I pick up my office phone and pretend there’s someone on the other line making me laugh my ass off. Otherwise my officemates might know that I was reading blogs instead of working!
    You are so freaking funny girlfriend!

  11. Heatherg

    Awe man!
    I share that personal info only to find out (after reading the website) thats it prolly just the antibiotics i’ve been taking!
    Whats worse?
    I blamed it on my poor, unsuspecting husband, after he volunterily got the V, for me.
    Shame on me.
    And again, thanks Y for sharing your experience and good info links.

  12. Johnomatopoeia

    That just makes me laugh. The last time my wife got a yeast infection, I was nice enough to go and buy her the goop for her snoop, and I too encountered the bold-lettered panic upon hitting the cash register. I almost tried to hide my wedding ring because I didn’t want to see that ‘knowing smile’ come across the checkers face.
    Your comment about your son, though? Priceless! I can’t wait until my son’s old enough to go shopping. ‘Hey, buddy? Mom’s baking cake again. You want to go out and get the frosting for her?’

  13. Sarah

    I had things put places they shouldn’t have been today, so you’ll need to come up with more than that if you wanna scare me 😉

  14. Pamalamadingdong

    Your poor boy. He is probably scarred for life. My kid keeps asking me what tampons are for and what I do with them. and for the life of me I CANNOT answer him. I totally just ignore the question and give him a cookie

  15. lynne

    I agree your kid is probably scared for life but it’s not as bad as finding your parents naked doing the nasty in the middle of the aftenoon! Ok after that I learned to knock.
    I feel your squirming but I think going into a drug store and asking the chemist for 7 tubes of KY is far more embarassing ( we use if for water in stopmotion animation).

  16. Fiona

    hahahahhahahah i just love the ‘baking bread’ reference…too funny
    Y have you tried slathering said vagina in natural yoghurt…NOT the fruity kind *L*
    i’ve had the dreaded y-infection a few times and i found apart from anything else it’s an awfully nice feeling having a yoghurt-covered vag *VBS*
    no i’m not kinky people *L*

  17. Valerie

    Oh man I totally just went thru the whole bread thing. I bought the CVS brand and it was in big ass letters too! Why in the hell do they like to torment the poor folk?

  18. NinaKaye

    first….bwahahahahahahahaha. Okay, with that out of the way…I’m a cheapskate so I’d buy the generic brand even if I had a lot of money.
    I don’t get embarassed easily, and I can buy anything and not think anything about it. I was a cashier at a Super Kmart a few years ago…I never paid attention to what I scanned, so I figure the people checking my stuff out aren’t paying attention either.

  19. Amy

    Y, you are way too funny. I just can’t take it. Really. Maybe you were the reason the 18 year old clerk at Target couldn’t look me in the eye–were you there before me?

  20. gtc

    Oh Y, I just read your update about your son. I just woke MY son up laughing so hard. I’m sorry, I just couldnt’ help it!
    Buy some acidophilous. It works wonders for taking care of yeast infections (and also prevention). I used to get ’em more often than I’ll even admit here. Happy hormones, I do say. But Acidophilous prevents and cures.
    Ok, I tried to get serious so that I would stop laughing. No, I’m sorry, I couldn’t! hahaha You rock because you can share this stuff and make it amusing even though it’s painfully uncomfortable.

  21. Kay

    Well of course I read until the end, that was the most exciting thing I read all day!
    Ok, not really but anyway. I actually know a 35 yr old woman that has NEVER had one, she also has not had constipation or cramps.
    I think she is an alien.

  22. Fiona

    …is she one of those women who claims to have never farted too Kay?! *L*
    aaaah yes gtc…that’s the active ingredient in the live yoghurt…as this site
    http://www.healthandage.com/html/res/com/ConsSupplements/Lactobacillusacidophiluscs.html
    says, you can achieve the results by consuming it (plus loads of other great benefits) but it feels soooo good applied externally, especially just out of the fridge
    ok ok now i’m sure you all think i’m kinky with food products *L*

  23. mona

    Hahahaahaha! I laughed so loud at 1.45am!!! I can’t sleep. I loved about that part yr son came home and picked up the cream isk!

  24. Mona

    Oh yes I agree with GTC on acidophilous coz I had a sinus infection for 4 wks and my doc prescribed antibiotics, she also told me to buy acidophilous incase I have yeast infection later. It works seriously.

  25. justme

    Its an addiction to your blog that we all must read to the end of a post, no matter what it may be about!

  26. E

    Oh man. I was once at a big formal dinner sitting opposite this highly eccentric supervisor of mine who you could say is quite well known and influential. When the waiter came around to hand out the bread she said really loudly:
    “OH NO THANKS. I’VE GOT CANDIDA.”
    Everyone at the table dropped their jaws to the ground, I nearly spat the bread I was eating over the table, the gay man sitting at the end of the table choked on his water, and my friend sitting next to me said, “Did she really say that?” The whole table just sat in stunned silence after that for a very long time.
    We still talk about that night. Every time I think of that woman I imagine her holding fabulous parties serving lots of fresh pastries that she baked herself… Eugh.

  27. pookie

    ahaha!! Y you are such a crack up!
    Did you ever get embarassed about feminine products as a teen. My sisters did, so they would pay me to go get in line. I was like, “Sisters, hello everyone knows all girls have twats that bleed once a month, get OVER it!” The were afraid of a cute guy catching them.
    Well I’m glad your taking care of youself.

  28. Hed

    At the beginning of my pregnancy I got one of those. And I go to buy the stuff to cure it, and it says to contact a physician if pregnant.
    So there I am, in the middle of the girlie care aisle on my phone, trying to get ahold of the doctor, hoping no one hears me.
    Wouldn’t it be nice to just be able to beam that stuff into your bathroom at home?
    -H

  29. ben

    Lynne:
    ( we use if for water in stopmotion animation).
    Sure ya do, but what about the handcuffs, jello, and the slinkie?

  30. Bronwen

    Eeeep! That’s what you just made me do, but backwards. That’s sooooo funny. The wise words of Whitney Houston (hahahahahahahahahahahaha!) is still cracking me up.

  31. oshee

    You are soooo funny! I will never think of a yeast infection the same again! I am definitely bookmarking your blog.
    Your son reminded me of my little boy. I have had to hide my tampons because he would go into the cupboard and open them all up, leaving them littered all over the bathroom, my room and down the hallway. What is it with the fascination of such things by little boys?

  32. Dawn

    i swear the best time-waster ever is following the links in someone’s blog & then following more links till you end up somewhere reading something like that makes you laugh till you can’t see the computer screen clearly anymore. you are so bookmarked! =)

  33. heidi

    Jesus can you ever brighten my day! Fucking hilarious! I was behind a car the other day, the license plate was V 4 GINA….I am SO not making that shit up.

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