My parents never gave me “The Sex Talk.”
Sex was not something we discussed in our household.
Not only did they not teach me about sex, but they always refused to allow me to take the “sex classes” at school. Man, that was embarassing. I was the only one that wasn’t allowed to watch The Pube Videos. THE ONLY ONE.
I remember one time, my neighbor thought that it was her job to teach me about The Sex. She started telling me things, and my mom overheard her and commanded her to “get out of our house!”
On the way out, she started screaming “THAT’S RIGHT, Y, YOU GET PREGNANT FROM HUMPING!”
I wasn’t too sure what “Humping” was, but I remember feeling a little sick to my stomach.
“That’s not true, mom, right? RIGHT?” You get pregnant just by standing very closely to a man, right, RIGHT.
I remember saying those exact words. Infact, I remember how scared I felt, how freaked out I was, how I just wanted my mom to reassure me that HER AND MY DAD DID NOT TOUCH NAKED PARTS.
Now, this was my mom’s chance to tell me the truth. To give me “The Talk”. Her response?
“Yes, mija. That’s how people get pregnant.”
I’m pretty sure that’s the reason I HID from my first boyfriend after every church service. Because, like, he was always trying to stand close to me. HE WAS TRYING TO HAVE MY BABY and I wasn’t trying to have JJ’s baby.
Then there was the time I started my period at church. I remember going to the bathroom and Oh my GOD! There was blood. I got out of the bathroom and asked my friend to go get my mom and tell her that I started my period.
Now, this was another chance to explain “things” to me. To tell me why this was happening to my body and to calm any fears I had about blood coming out of my twat.
Her response?
“HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT A PERIOD IS, LITTLE GIRL?” (Yeah, I got in trouble for knowing what “a period” was, which is almost as funny as the time I was “put on restriction” from talking on the phone with Tony at the age of 18 because I didn’t “properly roll my pads”)
Having children of my own, I completely appreciate how hard it is to talk to them about sex. Especially with boys. I want to run to my bed and curl up in the fetal position when subjects about sex come up with my boys. There have even been times where I just couldn’t bring myself to participate in the conversations. (And trust me, there have been MANY conversations…)
But, I know that as their parent, it is my job to teach them. I want to be honest with them, I want them to be prepared for the changes their bodies are going to go through, I want them to understand the urges they will feel. (AAAAHHHHHH) Because, I want them to be responsible and yes, I want them to wait until they are married or in a committed relationship. Sue me.
I mean, not everyone can be as sexually smart as I was and “figure it out without any education on the issue whatsoever.” Ha! Ha!
As my son gets older, I find it much more difficult to talk about these things with him. The other night, Tony and I were talking about this and I blurted out “OH MY GOD! WET DREAMS! WEETTTTTTDRRRRREEEEEAMMMMMSSSSS” How will I EVER be able to talk about that with my son?
I was like “Tony, does EVERY BOY GET THEM? Like, is it inevitable? Like, is it really going to happen?” (because, remember, I NEVER SAW THE VIDEOS)
I was hoping he’d say no! It doesn’t happen to all boys! But, that’s not what he said.
I could never be like that mother that was on the Dr.Phil show who LOVES to talk about sex (in very explicit, clinical terms) with her family.
“And in that position, the penis rubs against the clitoris, causing the woman to climax faster” She said at the dinner table, TO HER SON IN LAW.
I could never be “that lady.” Infact, what the hell is wrong with that lady? Talking about the clitoris with her son in law. NASTY WHORE.
If you’re a parent, what kind of approach do you use when it comes to discussing “The Sex” with your children? Are you honest and open about it? Are you more reserved like me and take the “just tell them what they need to know” approach? Do you use charts? Graphs? Videos? Books? Do you giggle when you talk about it? Do you make eye contact as your saying things like “The penis enters the vagina…” Do you feel like dying a little inside when your kid asks you questions?
I look forward to hearing how other parents have dealt with “The Talk.”
I never had “the talk” either. When I went to prom at age 17, she handed me some phamplets about AIDS and stuff, and that was that. I just rolled my eyes and left home.
I have no idea what’ll happen when my kids are older. My husband can take care of the boy, and I guess that leaves me the girl. I just know, I’m scared of doing laundry when the boy is old enough to masturbate and/or have wet dreams.
My mother gave me a book to read designed for children…I hated it. It upset me and I ran and hid in the bathroom for an hour. My sister never got to read the book due to my reaction to it! 😛
I got the talk at 8 years old which frankly is too young. I remember because I jumped on the bed the whole time my mom talked. And of course it was distrubing as hell because then ohmigawd my parents did that to get me didn’t they and I can’t ever tell anyone about this because ew ew ew. And although I don’t have kids yet, I sure don’t want to have that conversation if I don’t have to. Maybe I’ll make their dad do it…heh.
Aaron and I had a set of books, because I was a single parent who knew NOTHING about boys, so when he had a question, we’d always grab a Book and look it up together. ha! Man, that book taught me a lot of stuff.
I cannot remember the name of the books we used for the life of me. (I wish I could, because they really were awesomely informative, and they explained things in a really frank way, but it was also geared to wards the younger set. And, they covered all of the stages of growth for boys and girls.) I remember it compared an orgasm to a sneeze (you know you’re about to sneeze, you really NEED to sneeze, and then you SNEEZE and it’s such a great relief and it really feels good!). ok, it said it better than that, but that’s the gist of it. ;p
When my 20 year old was six, she told me she was NEVER going to get married ’cause she wouldn’t ever let a boy see her underwear. LOL
I did my best to maintain open honesty all along, thinking it would be easier to face if I didn’t let YEARS go by without ever talking about it at all. And I bought books. I remember buying “Where did I come from” and reading it to my older girls when they were little. Katie would say “Mom, you skipped a page.” LOL Yeah, that was on purpose.
Ack! It’s so hard!
Wet dreams scare the crap out of me. And I expect that stuff will be starting any day now. UGGGGGGGGGGGHHHH!
As for what I tell them… I try to answer questions honestly. I bought a book the older 2 have read. They know most of what is going on. Most. They are 11 (too embarrassed to even listen), 9 (curious), 7 (the one with all the questions), 5 (he’s till in the dark about a lot of stuff)
Not sure how I’ll handle some of the more boyish type stuff. My husband is of the, no one told me anything and I turned out fine variety. He tends to be appalled at what I have told them. But I hope to never utter the word clitoris to my boys.
I don’t have any advice on how to do “the talk”, but I just wanted to say that even though I was allowed to watch the sex videos at school, I still thought until I was about 13 or 14 that sex was only for dirty people and that you could get pregnant by sitting close to a boy and/or kissing. Ha! Although, I did go to a Christian school, so that could explain why I maybe thought those things and why the sex videos weren’t very, um, clear on how everything worked.
Well, my mom kind of forced it on me – she had gotten a ‘sex ed’ video from one of my aunts and made me watch it. I think the only time she could bring herself to talk about it was when we were alone in the car, so I couldn’t escape. I’m sure it’s just as uncomfortable for your kids as it is for you. Just make sure they get “the talk” at home before they have to get “the talk” at school!
Be open and honest about it, and you’ll all get more comfortable with it… eventually. in the much more distant future.
My mother bought the “Young Person’s Guide to Sex” hardcover boxed set and told my sister and me to read them and if we had any questions to ask her.
Then she hid the books where we’d never find them. (We had it better than our younger brother. After finding a Playboy in his room she sat him down for “a little talk”. She glared at him for twenty minutes and said, “Women ARE MORE THAN BODIES” and that was his lesson on the birds and the bees.)
I’ve talked about the general “where babies” come from stuff with my older boys, who are STILL horrified that their father and I did “IT” FOUR TIMES.
I have been thinking about finding a good book lately because now my boys are older and I swear I cant trust my husband to teach them anything.
He is SO old fashioned that he acts like it is almost “cool” for teenage boys to hit everything in sight but he FREAKS when my oldest daughter goes on a date!
But yes, they DO all have the dreams and guess what? They masturbate too!
My son will be 15 next month.
ahem.
Let’s just say that I notice he has been reading my daughter’s Cosmo magazine while in the bathroom.
But you have to be honest and upfront with them.
Not detailed like the woman on Dr Phil but honest.
There are some NASTY little Hos out there y!
Today when I picked my son up at the high school 1 came out PREGNANT, one came out with a halter top on (dress code???) and two were standing there waiting for a ride looking like HOOKERS on the street corner!
What the hell do these parents say to themselves that makes it okay for their daughters to go out dressed like this?
Holy crap.
I never had the talk with my parents either but they did let me take the sex ed classes. Funny story about that though. My grandma had told me that you get pregnant by kissing. So, when I took the sex ed class in the 6th grade and they were talking about condoms I was all confused and trying to figure it out.
As for my children, my husband and I had an agreement. He talks to our son, I talk to our daughter. He’s already had the talk and he said it went well. I get to that with my daughter later this year. I’m still trying to figure out how I’m going to do it. Of course, I joke around with my husband that I’ll just tell her that the penis is eeevvvvilll! He just gives me that look.
We don’t have kids yet, but my mom read a book to me when I was around 9. I then took said book and tried to read it to all of my friends at a slumber party. They weren’t interested, though, and I remember being shocked by their lack of interest. She also had another set of books that I used to sneak and read so I could look at the pictures of naked people.
Even though I was the least experienced among my group of friends in HS, I was the most informed. They used to ask me sex questions and I hadn’t even had my first kiss!
skits – Free to Be You and Me….I think.
I remember the Sneeze!
Hubby and I have divided it up. I do Sex, he does Alcohol, Drugs and Bullying.
So far I’ve had two incredibly uncomfortable conversations with Cass (4 yrs old) about how NO, I hadn’t lost my penis, and how Rosey (baby sister) hadn’t broken hers off in the hospital. (and she won’t be growing another one.)
The boy stuff I can handle. The girl stuff? I’d rather run over my tongue with the car.
hahahahah i had to laugh i gave my 13 ys old a book with pictures to help him whenhe didnt want to talk with me. but on the way to school we talk about anything and a lot of sex talk and why and more ugg. embarrsing but funny i am the cool mom. he is very mature and wants to know. my 10 yrs old says he dreads going through puberty cause then you have to grow up and like girls and kiss them no more playing and being a boy..so he kinda curious not much yet. and my 7 yrs old is still on that grosssss ewww level..
Oh dear. Is it too late to change my mind about having this baby?
The books skits mentioned sound like The What’s Happening To My Body Book For Boys (there is also one for girls).
Maybe I can keep froggy in the attic or something.
or your could just leave your romance novels around so the kids can start reading them after the Judy Blume books get boring. I learned A LOT from those.
I never got the talk either (prob. because I was already getting to check said romance novels out of the library with their permission and at that point, useless) but did get the videos in fifth grade. I’m not sure about these sex videos everyone else is talking about though, we got the puberty ones, and only talked about “our bodies” in middle school health class. Better make sure the school covers all the essentials if you decide to take the low road and not talk to them. 🙂
I’ve been lurking here for over 6 months and this topic was soooo awesome I just had to comment!
My mom had the ‘talk’ with me many times but I don’t ever think she was as bad as that woman.
I had the talk when I was 3. And again when I was 5, again at 7, and again 9. For some reason, I can’t remember a single conversation!!!
I figure I must have interupted and have a low attention span. Finally I figured it all out on my own when I was 12 when I found my parents ‘Joy of Sex’ book and something that looked like a silver cucumber. (man this sounds like my parents were like porn stars or something. Waita go Mom, you cardigan-wearing, church-going, cookie baking queen!)
Y, as for telling your boys… when my sis-in-law had to tell their kids (newly blended family) that there was a baby on the way, they got the most amazing books. Really really funny books that explain the how-to without being techical or glossing over the “insert penis into vagina”. My husband and I read them and I swear to god… we learned things… like positions…. but the kids LOVED the books! They thought they were great. They started telling US how to make a baby.
I have been on a “need to know” basis with my daughter since she was about 3 or 4 and old enough to be curious. I just gave basic answers (“it takes one part from the mom & one from the dad to make a baby”) and have gradually expanded on the topic. This year though, I was forced to have “the talk” with her (she’s 11) because in the span of 3 weeks, she told me about 2 girls in her MIDDLE SCHOOL that are pregnant! It was a little awkward at first, but because she had the general idea and knew the basics, all I had to really do was give her a few more details and answer a couple questions she had. And of course to NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER let a boy do that to her.
My ma gave me a book but really? I learned about sex from the neighborhood girl that had an older brother. That led to a lot of Barbie & Ken humpin’. Also, Catholic school taught us. Mostly to remind us we were sinners.
http://life.familyeducation.com/sex/teen/36172.html
Good luck girl. My mom just let school teach me for her.
I am so glad to hear I am not the only one who got in trouble for stuff like “knowing what a period was” and “Not rolling pads properly”. I think maybe our parents were friends or something. I got in trouble for having normal vaginal discharge stain my panties when I hit puberty. My mother actually said to me, as she waved them in my face “SO who are you all hot in the pants for, whore?!”
Yeah. I was 13. It’s a wonder I grew up to be normal!
my mom didn’t talk to me about sex, but she did tell me about my period.
i plan to be honest with my kids and just tell them enough for their age. and hopefully i’ll know what that is and when. but i’ve never been embarrassed talking with the munchkin. i’m sure she loved the fact that we both have said things to her about STDs and things like that. we pretty open in our house.
i think knowledge is better than ignorance. it’s a natural process. why should we be ashamed of something that we all go through? like FARTING!
My parent’s did not talk to me about sex and we did not have sex ed in school (except for an std film about how you can catch herpes from a toilet seat and a brief discussion about abstinence – it was Texas. In the 80s.). Getting molested by my grandfather (who was a deacon in his church) does not count as sex education. So, I had issues to begin with.
Anyway, I got pregnant at 16. Duh. I swear I didn’t know anything. Skip forward 20 years.
A recent conversation with my daughter (who is almost 17) went a lot like this:
Are you taking your [birth control] pill every day? At the same time? Have you had sex with [your boyfriend]? Did he wear a condom?
Birth control/std prevention is a big thing with me.
She is surprisingly frank with me. Nothing is off-limits. Nothing. Was it hard to talk about at first? Yeah. But I started doing it before they could talk, so by the time they understood what I was saying, I was much more comfortable.
Since my kids were tiny babies I always said words like vagina and penis (as well as all the slang, ’cause they need to know that too). My son admitted at 18 that he wasn’t being careful and I went off on him. I make sure he has condoms, if I have to buy them myself. He’s 20 now, and in Germany, so he’s on his own. But, you get the picture.
Do I think my kids won’t make mistakes? No. I’m sure they will.
Will I freak the fuck out if my daughter gets pregnant before she’s 30? You bet your sweet patootie.
You asked!! The answer is, it’s hard, but it’s important for them to not be embarassed or ashamed (like I was). Hope that helps somebody.
Oh lord. I don’t know HOW parents do it. I’m not a parent yet, but I can just remember when I got my period, my mom trying to give me “the talk”. All I can remember is this part of “the talk” where she said that now that I was “becoming a woman” I shouldn’t go into the mall bathroom by myself or sit on the aisle at the movies because a man might drug me and take me off to become a hooker or something (it was 1988. I think she was watching too much Another World).
Sorry skits, it’s not Free To Be….
I do remember those books, though. I had the girl one, and my brother had the other. We’d switch off and giggle.
I am 36 years old and I still vomit at the thought of my parents ever having had sex… they are divorced now (perhaps because of no sex?) and my father recently moved in with his girlfriend and, at which time he felt it necessary to tell me, “At my age Kristin, it’s not just about sex.”
And then I threw up and dropped dead.
Probably a good idea that they never gave me THE TALK.
Glad I found my way to your blog… your great!
Well, my son is five, so I haven’t gotten too explicit with my explanations of things, but I have taught him the proper names for male and female genitalia, explained that boys and girls are different, taught him about proper bathing for uncircumcised boys (he is one), and given him a basic explanation of how babies are made (just that the dad provides a seed that makes the egg inside the mom start to grow — no graphic sexual descriptions). But I’ll tell ya — my mom kinda-sorta gave me the menstruation talk late one night (making it seem sorta surreal), but didn’t explain anything else. By the time my dad thought I should know about anything else, I didn’t want to listen to HIM. I would’ve listened to my mom, perhaps, but she was so uptight about all that stuff. When I was in my twenties, I had my first UTI and had NO IDEA what to do about it. I had to look in the phone book for 24-hour clinics and ask other people what was happening to me. Hell, after I GAVE BIRTH to my son, I asked her a question about hemorrhoids and she was pretty uncomfortable even admitting that she’d ever thought about them. As a result of all this silence, I’m 100% determined that my son will know about sex and related issues — including what women go through, so he can be a sensitive guy. It makes me sick thinking about how much my mom could’ve helped me when I was younger if she’d just talked about all this.
You know, this is why I really really really hope that the child I am carrying now is another girl. I’m already talking to my daughter a little about her body, just little basic things.
I’ve heard some horror stories from my friends about their little boys not being able to stop touching it. And these are little boys under the age of 5. Wet dreams? There’s really something I don’t want to think about.
My daughter has tried doing things like diddling herself in mixed company, and that just doesn’t fly. I don’t try to make her feel dirty or anything, but one thing I told her was: “Sweetheart, it’s perfectly natural to want to explore that, but it’s also perfectly rude to do that in the living room in front of people.”
So far, it seems to be working. And maybe it will with a little boy too? Here’s hoping, just in case.
As for older kids, I think it’s probably better to make a joint effort with your spouse to talk to them about it. It took both of you to make the kids, why not lean on each other to talk to them about it?
-H
Well, I haven’t had the talk with my kids yet (they’re too young) but I do know that my sister used a Magnadoodle to draw pictures and stuff while she had “the talk” with her kids.
Her kids can’t look at a magnadoodle ever again.
I’m at a loss. Which is fine for now, as he’s 5 but one day…
I missed the Dr. Phil show with that lady, but she sounds like me. Sorta.
I was raised in a very openly honest home where nothing was off limits. My boys are 16 and 14 while my baby girl is 7. I was always very upfront with my boys and stood my ground when told I was a pervert for using medical terms such as penis with my boys. I figured they’d learn the slang and often offensive terms on their own, and I darn sure didn’t want them to say “wee-wee” beyond diaper-age, so I never used baby nicknames.
My daughter, though, is a totally different person. She has no interest in such things, can be very melodramatic and worries about the smallest of things, so we have sheltered her more and not had any kind of real sex talks with her. This saddens me, because I worry most about her naivete. She is nearly 8 and still believes in Santa, the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy. Maybe I’m not giving her enough credit to handle the facts and hope to talk more with her soon.
I don’t ever remember having “the talk” because we talked all the time in little bits here and there, so it was more relaxed and open than sitting down and receiving a lecture about “do this, but not that” and other such crap. My boys and I talk enough that I feel they would come to me if needed and while it’s never easy, it’s something I think every parent needs to do.
I tried not to think about my parents having sex and dont’ try to picture my kids having sex, or any one else for that matter, but at nearly 37 I can and still do talk to my dad about sex or sexual issues. I don’t ask him details about his sex life, or share mine, but it’s more of a general knowledge kind of thing. Really, I think it’s like Becky said above: knowledge IS Better than ignorance and there is no reason to feel ashamed or embarrassed by something so natural as burping or farting or using the toilet.
Hope you find the peace of mind to discuss what needs discussing with your angels before someone else does and fills their heads with 1/2 truths that can not be easily fixed by anything you say. Or worse.
My mother was EXTREMELY UNCOMFORTABLE talking about anything with me, so she just slid books under my bedroom door. I still had so many questions, and my friends at school were more than willing to fill in the blanks… With WRONG answers.
I have ever intention of talking to Turdface about it all. I’ve been preparing for it his whole life. We’ve been talking about sex (in age-appropriate terms) practically his whole life… Less for him, and more for me. I *know* the uncomfortable talks will be coming soon, and I don’t want to be “used to” talking frankly with him.
I just want him to be smart and safe – and I don’t know any other way then to make sure that he is aware and educated. (So far the menstruation talk has been the MOST uncomfortable and yet, considering the look he gave me, the most hilarious.)
Why can’t my sons just be as smart as you Y, and figure it all out for themselves?
I did talk to my oldest one day in the car and give him the nitty gritty, but I feel like I glossed some stuff over. I’d like my husband to fill in the rest…
I know nothing about boy stuff. wet dreams? AAGGGHHHHH!!! masturbating?
Lalalalala … I can’t hear you.
Please tell me if you get any great advice and how you handle it.
OMG. Ok what in the world do I have to look forward to with 3 boys?
My oldest (6) already asked me how babies were made. I did say from a mom and dad. He then asked, “You just love each other then and a baby is made?” I just said, “ummm, yup.” I am not ready to tell him everything yet.
i never got the talk from my parents, but i at least got sex ed at school. however, sex education has changed DRASTICALLY in the past few years, so much so that it basically doesn’t teach you a damn thing. in fact, teachers can opt not to teach it, so you are basically the best source of information for your kids (scary, huh?).
the best advice i can give is this: even though you want your kids to wait until they’re married to have sex, please teach them about birth control and stds. if they do decide to have sex before they’re married (and it’s their choice anyway) they need to at least know how to make it a safe experience.
do you have a local planned parenthood or clinic of that sort? they often have a lot of information for parents talking to their kids. good luck, y!
Hey! Damn, I can’t believe i just stumbled across you like that IE: Googled my name…I use to read Aged and Confused everyday, I can’t believe how BIG Gabby got….DAMN!….well I have to catch up on my reading….Bye
My mother was your mother’s long lost twin….anytime I tried to talk to my mother about sex I would get the “deer in the headlights look” so I would stop.
I am very open with my boys. Not like the woman on Dr. Phil. Slut. I am a normal person with my kids but most of that doesn’t embarass me cuz I just have boys and they don’t ask that many questions and they accept a very straight forward answer. Not like girls. Girls want details. I used to ask my mom if she was a virgin when she married my dad and stuff like that. Maybe I am the reason my mom got that “look” on her face!! Ha!
i don’t remember the sex talk…but i do remember the class. in 5th grade we had a lady come in and seperate the class into girls and boys. our parents could come if they wanted to. well, the night before my class, i got my period for the first time (while i being baby sat lol how funny. i was 11) and i just remember my mom …as the lady said “does anyone have any questions” ….saying “what color is it when it first starts” cuz that’s the question i asked my mom LMAO!!!!!!!! omg i was so embarrassed hahahahah.
My family was very open about it. I remember sitting down with my mother and sister so she could read us a book about it, but we already knew. I think I was in third grade.
In high school, my mother and father both stressed to me in different conversations that they really didn’t want me to have sex until I was older, but that if I decided to become sexually active that they would take me to the doctor to get birth control. My father also talked to my boyfriends about always using birth control if we had sex. They were stunned and embarressed, I wasn’t since it was so normal for us, but they appreciated it in the end. I remember my father telling me that I should have enough respect for myself not to fuck in the back of a car like an animal and to do it in a bed (this was all said with a Dutch accent). His reasoning was that if it was happening in a car it probably wasn’t a good idea. He was right of course. By the end of my junior year of high school my mother was allowing my boyfriend (a soph at Cornell) to sleep in my room when he would visit. They were right to do that. All of my friends were having sex and in hiding it. Many of them got pregnant. I feel very lucky to have had the relationship wiht my parents I did.
The bigger issue for me is the internet. When we were kids we’d sneak looks at my friends parents’ Playboys. Now the kids are exposed to violent, crass, heinous images and videos. I’ve already had the conversation once with husband’s much younger brother (when he was 12) after I discoverd some sites he had been visiting on our computer during his visit. “Um. Honey, can we talk about the pictures you’ve been seeing. It is not normal or desired by women to have a p*nis in every hole in their body at hte same time while five other men wh*ck off on her. That is not what sex is about.” That was an icky conversation for both of us, but one that needed to happen. In our culture we are surrounded by images and attitudes which objectify women. I imagine I’ll be fighting that too with the my own boys.
My parents were open about sex. Well, my mom was. I can honestly say my dad never EVER participated in “the sex talk” with me. I already knew what it was (thanks friends/school!), so my mom’s talk went something like this…
“We don’t want you having sex, but if you do, I’m taking you to planned parenthood so you can get on birth control. Use condoms. You don’t want to get a disease/baby. Did you hear me? WE DON’T WANT YOU HAVING SEX.”
I wasn’t even allowed to date until I was 16. My husband started having sex at 14 (I was so grossed out, but hell, kids have it younger now) so I think at around 12 my boys will be getting the sex talk. In fact, when they start dating, I’m keeping a bowl of condoms under the bathroom sink. I don’t want to promote them having sex, but I sure as hell don’t want them bringing me any grandchildren before they even get out of high school either! I can say that now, but can you imagine the look on my face if I look and there are condoms missing out of the bowl?! I’ll probably die.
my mom was always very open about talking to us kids about puberty and sex. maybe a little too open even. she wasn’t graphic, but i can remember many times that sex became the topic of conversation at the dinner table. talk about wanting to crawl under the table and die! and she gave us books, which helped filled in the more graphic details that she didn’t want to spell out for us. i think the books were the “What’s Happening to My Body” (one for girls and one for boys) – i highly recommend them.
my dad, on the other hand, has never even so much as uttered the word “sex” in my presence. he only alluded to it once, when my parents found out i was letting my boyfriend sleep over in college (even though we weren’t having sex!). my dad IMed me a message saying something about he was “upset about my change in lifestyle”. ha ha ha ha ha!
I’m chiming in late here, but my daughter (9) and I just had a big sex talk. (So part of this is self-congratulatory. You’ll pardon my ego.) The thing with us is, I’ve made a big habit of talking with her, keeping the lines of communication open, being frank and honest about things, letting her approach me, letting her guide the conversation. Always talking with her, no matter when or if I liked what she had to say.
I wanted to do things different from my childhood. My father–a preacher’s son–couldn’t say ‘chicken breast’ without turning purple, my mother was so oblivious to my inner dialogue that our sex talk involved her cornering me in the eighth grade, demanding to know if I knew about sex and making me tell her EXACTLY WHAT IT WAS. It wasn’t until I finally mumbled a brief description of the mechanics in between completely embarassed sobs that she let me go.
I didn’t want to do that to my child.
And you know what? The sex talk wasn’t that big of a deal with my daughter. It was just like any other talk we’ve had–about friendship, about lying, about bras and periods. I didn’t make it that big of a deal–we just talked about it. About why you should wait, why it’s important to be with someone you’re committed/married to. Most importantly, we talked about all the “why’s”–not just a big fat “DON’T DO IT” like my parents did. Maybe we’ll have harder discussions down the road, but I think the fact that we’ve made a habit out of talking had a lot to do with it. That way, it didn’t become an ordeal.
This reminds me of a classic personal tale: I never really had “the talk” with my parents either. Although, not difficult to discuss it now, sex just wasn’t something my mom wanted to think of me doing then. My mom’s way of discussing menstruation with me was handing me the book “Are you there, God? It’s Me, Margaret”.
So, one day, I started my period for the first time after church. My mom assisted, and all was good. My dad came down the hall, smiling, and asked how I was. I smiled from ear to ear, proud of my new “womanly status”, and announced “I started masterbating.”
I don’t think he knew whether to laugh or cry.
But, we certainly laugh about it now!
OMG. I hope I have a girl. I hope I have a girl!!!!
LOL
I actually foound out about sex when I was about 5. I found a cousins girly book, and I started asking him questions. He explained to me that when we become adults, we participate in these activities when we find someone that we fall in love with, and that that is how babies are made etc… He SO did not want me to go asking my Aunt those questions, because then he would be busted! I remember it clearly, and I have to say that looking back on it, he handled it very well for a teenaged boy! He was very clinical lol.
I am glad that I found out that way, when I did, because it saved me from being molested (or possibly worse) when I was 7. I was at a park in town waiting for my other cousin to show up so we could go swimming. A local boy, who I knew, who was 19, came around. He backed me up against a tree, whipped IT out, started playing with himself briefly, then tried to get my bathing suit off. I thought back to those magazines, and what those people were doing..and I had an idea of where this was headed and I knew it was WRONG, and so I kicked him in the nads with everything I had and took off running.
Jerk.
Anyway, my Mom was always very open. Our discussions started with the talks about my body, how it was different from a boys body, and about how I would get my period, and why. She was very blunt, just telling me that when two people love each other, they have sex, sometimes for the sake of loving each other, sometimes to create a new life…
She talked about it in such a matter of fact way that I was never uncomfortable discussing it with her. My Dad on the other hand, he just left it all to her. The extent of his input was “If you come home pregnant before you are married, I WILL kill him.” :O)
This was a great post Y. With a baby on the way, it just reminds me of one of the many things that I have to teach this kid, that scares the HELL out it me!!
Just tell him when he is ready to have sex, use protection, like condoms or he might get a VD (and let him know what VD’s do to a boys penis).
That should scare him enough to put having sex off for quite a while.
Good Luck!!!
Wow. Great topic, as I am going thru this with my 10 year old.
Right now, I am telling her only what she needs to know. I figured I better get on the ball and tell her about her period. We have moved from “Babies come from God” to “Mommies and Daddies make babies”. Hey, some progress is better than none.
I’m a nervous wreck about it. Why? I have NO idea. My mom gave me TOO MUCH info and I thought you got pregnant by french kissing. Ya know, second base. I used to see people making out on the bus and think, “Ooooh! She’s gonna get pregnant!” I finally said this aloud when I was in, oh, 7th grade, and my friends were cracking up. How embarassing.
I don’t remember ever getting The Talk, yet I don’t remember ever NOT knowing what I needed to know. (I do remember the first Sex Ed class I had, in third grade. I was absolutely baffled that the teacher seemed embarrassed… didn’t we all know that stuff already, after all?)
My parents were always very candid, answering whatever questions I had. And they’ve been married 45 years and are still totally hot for each other. notthatIwantanydetailsthankyouverymuch.
:shrug:
So I hope I’ll be able to rise to the occasion when my son (now 14 months old) needs answers. Even better, my husband has agreed that he should take most of the responsibility.
phew!
My mom had the sex talk with me. She drew a uterus and fallopian tubes, became flustered, and then dropped the subject without discussing the role of the penis. That’s OK, though. My friends filled me in.
I wanted to jump in because your oldest is almost as old as mine (13). I am open and honest. We call things by their REAL names (although he HAS taken to calling his penis a winky lately.) I answer his questions when he asks and I try to tell him just what he needs to know…no need to elaborate, I only bore him with details. Like the time he asked me how many holes girls have…or how long you leave the penis IN the vagina (after he saw THOSE videos). He didn’t want anything other than the answers to his questions…so that is what I gave him. It’s still exciting…a few weeks ago, I caught him googling “Soft Vagina” and so we had to go look at the pictures and explain the facts, including what was UP with that pierced one we saw. Oh come to my blog and search that…that’s a post and a half!
gosh tammy that’s awful….just sighs….
well my mother never told me a thing, not about periods or sex or anything
kristin that made me feel sad….i personally hope my mum and dad continued to enjoy each other right up until he left this world….coz sex is a physical expression of love and i sure hope they had a blast every time!!!
i used to love knowing they held hands, kissed every evening when my dad came home from work…and i sure do hope it didn’t stop at that!!!