My oldest son, who is in the seventh grade, just called me from his friends cell phone.
“Hey mom? I’m walking home from school with Ryan and Anthony.” He wasn’t calling to ask me permission, but rather to TELL me. He had missed the bus and was already on his way.
I’m very angry with him for making that decision on his own, especially since I’ve already told him he’s not allowed to walk home.
The school is not “far”, but it is far enough away that I’m not comfortable with him walking home. And it’s not just the distance that bothers me. It’s the fact he’ll have to cross several major streets. And, it’s the fact that he disobyed me. And, it’s the fact that I’m not used to him making bad decisions like that because he’s a really good kid. And it’s the fact that HE’S MY FIRST BABY. And it’s the fact that it’s only a matter of time before he’ll be telling me he wants to go on a date and can I buy him some shaving cream first so he can shave his Fuzzstache?
My mind is racing right now. What will the consequence be? And how much of his decision had to do with being afraid to tell his friends “Sorry, I can’t, my mom won’t allow me to.” And does that mean HE’S GOING TO DO THE POT IF SOMEONE OFFERS IT TO HIM, because if he can’t stand up to his friends about THIS, how do I know he’ll be strong enough to “say no to drugs?”
Perhaps I’m slightly overreacting, but you know what? This teenage business isn’t easy. The sense that I’m losing some of the control and influence I have over him and that his friends are gaining power over the decisions he makes is scaring the shit out of me.
I mean, we’ve talked about this many times and I’ve been VERY CLEAR on this subject. He knows he is ABSOLUTELY NOT ALLOWED to walk home. So, why was it so easy for him to disobey me and then call me to tell me that he was disobeying me?
I want the consequence to be severe enough that he thinks long and hard the next time he’s faced with a choice like this, but I don’t want to overreact either.
But I feel like this is serious. And like Oprah says, it’s not even about “walking home.” It’s about how easily he made a choice to go against the rules I set in place for his personal safety.
I feel like crying. I’m so disappointed in him. I realize that this is part of the “growing up” process, though. No kid is perfect. All kids make mistakes, but my job is to make sure that he learns from his mistakes. To try to steer him in the right direction and hope that the next time, he’ll make the right choice.
But he called to tell you…he could have just walked home, right? He may have been hoping you would “save him” in a sense from having to make the decision. My cousin used to do crap like that when he knew something big was coming up that he wouldn’t be able to say no to, he’d go out before hand and do something totally stupid so he’d get grounded so he wouldn’t be placed into a situation where he’d have to make a decision that he knew he couldn’t make on his own…does that make sense?
I’m not trying to minimize what you are going through…I’m not a Mom but I know that having an almost teenager would be terrifying.
Maybe just letting him know that you were dissapointed in his decision will be enough. This time! Next time, we break out the two by four with the rusty nail! Ok, maybe that’s a bit overboard.
I am right there with you – or not far behind, anyway – with the teenage stuff with an 11 and 9 year old who both seem to think they are at least 16. This parenting stuff gets harder, not easier!!
I was thinking about what I did in Jr. High – and I mostly took the bus, but I was allowed to walk home and it was pretty darn far. I know times are different today, though.
No slam him now. But he did call so make that a part of it. For example, a week of no tv, minus 4 days for calling. Make it something that he will notice, and then bring it down a hink for calling.
You know if you let him get away with it, next time it will be much worse.
I will trade ya for a few of mine if you want some practice.
I edited to clarify that he called me once he was already on his way, so, it was more to cover his ass (because I would have KNOWN he wasn’t on the bus) then it was to be “honorable.”
ALthough, I realize his conscience had something to do with it, because he is a good kid, so I will take that into consideration.
I don’t want to make this out to be more than it is, but, at the same time, I want him to understand I won’t tolerate disobedience like that.
AAAAAAHHHHHHHH MOTHERHOOD!
I wrote damn near the same post a month ago. I don’t think I’ve truly felt the pressure of parenting until now.
After I exploded on his ass, I calmed down and reminded him how that thing called trust works. How it will tie into driving and going out with his friends. How he’d better earn it now or he’d be a homebound bitch later on.
Then I took away his phone for a week. Told him he’d lose it the next time, but it hasn’t come to that, thank gawd. That would mean that the asshole friends are winning and I haven’t the slightest idea what I’d do then.
Besides lock him in the basement.
I agree that it’s a trust issue more so than just a walk-home issue, although I wouldn’t want my kid crossing major streets, even in seventh grade — too much has changed since I was a kid. The big deal here is that he disobeyed you. How you handle this will determine how he makes future decisions. I would open up a big can of whoop-ass, myself. Figuratively speaking. Loss of several privileges and maybe some yelling. But that’s me. I like to yell sometimes. ;^) Let us know how it turns out…
I think you are absolutely right. Trust your instincts. I would be SO PISSED and SO UP IN HIS GRILL. Especially because if you make a huge deal about things like this, he will be less likely to do bigger things.
I would ground him. Or do something else BIG. Yelling sounds good too. You are absolutely dead on right about this. Good for you!
I don’t think you are overreacting if you’ve had an explicit discussion about this before, but I agree that the punishment shouldn’t be too harsh, because at least he did call you… better than him not calling you at all and you getting all worried about why he wasn’t on the bus, right?
I’m guessing he did it to show you that he thinks he is old enough to walk home and that if he comes home safe, it really isn’t that big a deal. But you should make it clear that it is the disobeying part that is the big deal and that if he thinks the rule should have been changed, then he should have discussed it beforehand. And also that if he misses the bus, he should call you to check BEFORE he starts to walk home, not AFTER.
Look at me, with having no kids… as if I have any clue what I am talking about.
Don’t let him out of this one by any means. Make sure the punishment or whatever is swift and memorable.
Well, one way to deal with teenage boys with fathers is get the father on your side and have HIM set the punishment. The boy will respond better and can’t yet beat up dad and it will show son that DAD respects MOM and HE’d better respect MOM or else. Just my assvice. But I have a 15 year old and that’s what I’ve been doing for awhile. Boy does it work. Good luck! (BTW, lots of growing boy books say the same thing – check out Michael Gurian’s books for example). By the way – happy de-lurking week!
yanno, i walked home from school once when i was in high school. my step-monster got super mad when i told her i’d walked home instead of taking the yellow banana home (i was a freshman). i must’ve walked 2 or 3 miles home… and she was pissed when she found out.
i never understood why.
until now.
thanks yvonne…
so, what did you end up doing?
Well, I have to agree with Stephanie, he should talk to you first if he thinks a rule needs changing. Talking is a big part of the teen-parent relationship. I think there should be some consequences because he clearly broke a rule but maybe he’s ready for a bit more responsibility in some other areas. But, most important, you want to keep the communication going between you and him–so try not to get hysterical. Stay calm. I know, easier said than done. And keep blogging! We moms are here for you!
You CANNOT overlook this disobedience. I have a 23 year old daughter so I’ve been there and done that. It always works best to make the punishment fit the crime.
You say, “Son since you love to walk so much you are going to walk.” Then you take him to a school track and make him walk until he drops. When he wants to quit you tell him that this is the choice he made. He chose to walk now he will walk…and…”you’re lucky I didn’t take your cell phone from you. If you wouldnt have called me you’d have lost that too. Now march!”
Do NOT let him stop until he’s truly too tired to keep going? Do you not think he will think twice before disobeying again? I think so.
That’s the most awsome punishment, mrs darling!! i’m going to keep that in mind for possible future use. i have to be creative with my son with punishment because most things don’t phase him. when he was 2 or 3, telling him i was angry and didn’t want to talk to him was enough. that used to really upset him. too bad that didnt’ last, lol. now, i think he wishes i wouldn’t talk to him when i’m mad, lol. my son is 9 years old and, because he is ignoring the things he is being told in school, we had a long talk the other night. and by that i mean, i talked for a long time while he sat listening to me. he now knows at his early age, the ins and outs of how grades and thing things you do in school follow you forever and ever. he now knows that if he’s on a school sports team and his grades are bad, the school will not allow him to play sports. i think that hit home more than anything else i said. he eats sleeps and breathes baseball. lol
anyway, i’d like to know what you did about your son, Y. 🙂
Please allow me to be “straight up”
It’s late, he’s home, he’s been yelled at. Probably de-TV’d.
I’m 16, and i was walking home when i was 13. I’m not your son, i don’t know how it works at your house, but i do know that if i do something and call my mom halfway into it, it’s not to cover my ass, it’s because i forgot to call and ask. Peer pressure is rough. If your buddies want to walk home or get a shake or hit up the park, you sort of just do it. It’s not out of malice or disobedience, it’s because you’re a teenager and fitting in is important. If you punish him, think about how rational the punishment is. Are you punishing him for disobeying or for walking home? Get his ass for the disobeying, because if he acts up to you he might grow up to act up to other people or treat women badly or bla bla bla. If he wants to walk home, i think it’d be reasonable for you to make him promise to call each time before he does it, and to promise to do it with a friend. Call his mom and let her know about it. He’s not six anymore, and you know you’ve raised a good kid. But it’s important to “back off.” Let him be out with friends and have fun and be a boy, but have the reins enough to steer when he’s messing up bad. Trust him to go out and use what you’va taught him, but don’t expect it to be perfect right off the bat. You can read and read and read about driving, but until you do it, there’s really no point.
I agree with, the nip it in the bud right away. Maybe not a heavy punishment, and even telling him that you are disappointed and it won’t be tolerated again, might be enough. Its hard to when they start getting independent damn it!
I made it very clear at a young age. like when my kids would run in the house from outside and say, mom I am going to go next door in so in so’s front yard to play. I told them to re-frase the sentence to, may I go lol. Even if they were done with homework and want to watch tv, they ask may I go watch tv, Im done with my home work. Yes it is more like the are telling me that what they are going to do but, its the consideration/respect implanted in them lol.
My 18 year old still asks if she can make a phone call to a friend (she knows I am not going to say no most likely)
The important thing is, she is showing consideration and respect to her poor old mom that knows she is going to fly the coop soon lol!
Hmmmmm….this just happened to me yesterday with my 13 year old!!! Except he called home and talked to my SIL. She called my cell and told me and I tried to call him on his cell then – no answer. When he did walk his little happy ass inside I totally threw down on him and put him back on the chain. I said, “why didn’t you call my cell phone when you knew I wasn’t here?” , Him: “Uh, I don’t know.”Well, I think he knows now that he’d better call me first. This mama don’t take no shit.
Hey there…I think your post just shows what a great parent you are. I think that even though they won’t admit it…or don’t even know, kids crave structure and accountability.
Yes, he called…which is a good thing, but that doesn’t discount him breaking a rule that was well established. I think that if he didn’t get consequences for that, it would be a very bad thing.
If he learns that he needs to follow the rules and that you have his best interest and safety at heart, it will do wonders for him in the future…when he is cemented in the defiant, grumpy teenage years.
I mean…I don’t have kids…so you know eons more than I do, but that’s my 2 cents.
*mwah*
Once trust is broken it needs to be earned back. I’d tell him he has lost all the trust you have in him and you will need to verifiy everything he tells you and does. My folks did. Not for long but long enough for me to understand the consequences of my actions. Calling places I’d say I was going, etc. He purposefully disobeyed you. Bottom line.
On the other hand, I dig the walking punishment. Ground him for a week and during that week make him walk a mile a day-ALONE
This is the age when you have to start picking your battles carefully. Yes, he walked home without your permission – but he also called you to tell you he was doing so. It might not seem like it now, but believe me, that’s a really important factor.
You definitely need to talk to him about trust, and how he earns that trust with you and by doing so, then you will feel more comfortable expanding his horizons. Maybe re-think the rule about walking home; what was a workable rule when he was in 5th grade might not work now that he’s in 7th. But you have to add that he always, ALWAYS,has to let you know what he’s doing, as soon as he decides to do it. If you choose to allow him this privilege, make sure it comes with boundaries – only straight home, for example; no unscheduled stops. Or he has to ask you first before he does go elsewhere. He has to be home within a certain amount of time – but make sure it’s reasonable, given that kids are are very social at this age and middle school doesn’t give them a lot of opportunities for that, during school hours. They need that time after school to catch up with their friends.
Give a little (always with clear boundaries), get a little – that’s the way to parent teenagers.
I’m sure you’ve dealt with it by now but my sugg applies to the follow-up-when-both-past-anger conversation anyway. Impress upon him that there WILL come a day when he will be considered mature and responsible enough to both walk home and make more of his own decisions, and that day will come not when he reaches a certain birthday or grows hair in a particular place, but rather will come when he has shown his parents that he is capable of things like, I donno, obeying the rules? Not missing the bus? Resisting peer preasure? And make sure he realizes that this incident put him back a ways. It will be a while before you and his dad will be discussing increasing his responsibilties and his privileges/freedom. That might hurt more then being grounded.
When I was in 7th grade, I thought it was a special occasion when I didn’t have to walk home from school.
So, why did he miss the bus? Was there a good reason? What is the right choice if he misses the bus for a good reason?
And face it, some day your teenagers probably will try pot. You need to be prepared for that. I was a good kid and I smoked pot (not a lot) when I was 17. It wasn’t a life changing event, nor was it peer pressure.
Next thing you’re going to tell me is that some day he’s going to actually have sex! And drink devil water!
I HATE THIS GROWING UP BUSINES.
well, he didn’t actually “miss” the bus. he chose not to ride it but walk instead. When he called, I said, “get on the bus” and he said “It already left.”
Isupposed I worded that wrong, I do that a lot.
I’m going to update on the whole situation after I get back from the doctors/Target/Starbucks/Old Navy and Ross.
Just know, I really appreciate all of your advice.
xoxo
There is nothing quite so difficult as giving them their freedom, especially when on a daily basis they prove just how unqualified they are to have it.
But there are battles to fight, and some to let be. I can’t tell you which this is, it’s your family. Just make sure it’s the right time to wage war and ready the torpedoes.
Or maybe he’s old enough to walk home now?
Responsible child or not, calling me once you’ve already done it ………aint gonna get it in our home.
Good luck Y.
Raising kids in today’s world just sucks, and its more dangerous then it should be!
I’m a mom to a teenage daughter so I can completely relate to this! Sounds like he’s just testing his limits a little and the plus side is that a)he did call, b)he’s with friends and hopefully they’ll keep some sense about them and watch out for each other as they walk. It sucks and it’s such a fine line between holding them tight and letting them grow/go.
Hi there, I am new to your blog and I just have to say that this story scares me. I know that my baby boy (5 months old) will be growing up in the blink of an eye… but it just seems like it will be so hard to let him actually do that… Can he just stay my innocent precious little baby forever?
ok, i don’t have kids and you can tell me to just “bite it” but:
1) you’re a fabulous mother and your kids obviously respect you
2) he did call
3) he’s walking home with 2 other friends
4) he’s 13 (isn’t he? if younger, again, tell me to “bite it”).
i know it’s hard to see them grow up but at 13 i was allowed to go across a very busy street to a friend’s house (4 blocks away).
so that’s just my perspective.
i don’t have kids either, but i’m a nanny and i pretend i’m “supernanny” so i know all an if you tell me to bite it, i’ll bite you LOL.
that said, it was the walking home, it wasn’t the streets, it was the plain disrespect he had for you and if you let that part go, he’ll keep doing it. good for him for calling. good for him for having a buddy system to walk home, BAD for him for disrespecting you.
i would have said it was good to have friends to walk with, glad you called me, but you disrespected me and i won’t tolerate that, EVER. i’d ask him what he thinks his punishment should be and then take that and add something to it. i don’t play when it comes to disrespect. ever. i don’t tolerate it from other people’s kids, i will NEVER tolerate it from my own.
can’t wait to hear what you did. (by the way 90% of christmas stuff here at target!!! woo hooo)
Testing
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