Penis balloons are funny.

I’m still trying to recover from Saturday night.
This “getting old” business sucks.
I remember when I could bounce back from a night of rubber dicks and rum and coke like that. Not the case in my old age.
The Passion Party was more fun than I could have imagined.
Fun AND? Educational.
“Never put anything in your butt that doesn’t have a cord attached.”
Write that one down, people.
I was a slightly mortified at the beginning of the presentation, because the very pregnant lady used the words “handjob” and “stuff my box” in the first 5 minutes and I was like “lady, DO I EVEN KNOW YOU? Howza’bout easing into sessually explicit talk?”
But, then, she gave me a stick with a generous sample of cream that would make my nipples tingle and I was like “I love you, now why don’t you give me a little bit of that stuff that will make my vagina burn up in anticipation of some sweet love makin?”
And let me tell you, that stuff? The “enhancement” gel that you put on your, um, you know, hahaa, clitoris ha! HA! It makes you have to pee INSTANTLY and it burns like a MOTHER. Had she said “Your twat will BURN THE HELL UP” as opposed to “it will feel warm and tingly”? I might not have been the first one to stick my finger out so I could go to the bathroom and rub it on my ha! You know what.
I was the first one to try the products and the first one to laugh everytime she said “balls” and “handjob.”
I was also the winner of the “put the penis in the vagina” game. I called dibs on the dick (a plunger between my legs) leaving my partner with no choice but to be the “vagina” (a roll of toilet paper.) The team to get the “penis” into the “vagina” the fastest would win. I looked my partner in the eye and said “We’re SO winning this.” I hate to lose. The teams before us took over 20 seconds to achieve “penatration.” It took me less than 5 seconds to get mine in. BOOYAH!
Apparently, I know how to navigate a penis. Who knew!
I did order a few things, but I will not tell you what because that is only for Pighunter to know, but I will tell you that um, I will never be able to look at a dolphin in the same way ever again.
After the Party for Vaginas was over, we all jumped in a limo that was OVERFLOWING with liquor to head out to clubs for a little dancing and hilarious little “dares” for the bride to complete.
We each had to write our own dare for her. My dare?
Shout as loud as you can “I LOVE MY VAGINA!”
I thought it was funny.
Our first stop was El Toritos for a little dinner, you know, to absorb the absurd amount of alcohol we were about to consume. As much fun as I had talking with The Girls, I have to say, I can’t remember a time I have felt so stupid and pathetic as I did at that dinner.
They are have a college degrees, they all have sucessful careers, they all own houses and have lots of money.
Me? I don’t have any of the above. I’m an uneducated, overweight, housewife who got married at 19 years, popped out three kids and spends her days figuring out ways to stretch HER MAN’S money so she can pay the bills. I wanted to run outside and cry and maybe, perhaps run into oncoming traffic.
I can’t recall I’ve been more ashamed of the person I’ve turned out to be.
I know, I KNOW, I’m lucky because I have a good husband and three beautiful children and there are people who would kill to have such a precious family. I’m not trying to demish their importance and value in my life.
But, apart from my kids, I really feel like I am nothing. I am ashamed that I don’t have a degree. . I’m ashamed that even if I wanted to (which, right now, I don’t because I refuse to leave my little girl in daycare and I do LOVE staying home with her) I couldn’t go get a good job because “girlfriend don’t have an edu-kay-shee-own.” (If you got that, then you totally watch King of Queens and DON’T YOU LOVE THAT SHOW?) (And, man, I’m way overusing the parenthesis tonight and I should probably look up the word “parenthesis” because my un”higher”educated ass doesn’t even know if I spelled it right.)
But ENOUGH OF THE DEPRESSING, SELF HATRED SHIT, ON TO THE DRUNKEN GOODNESS THAT IS “BARHOPPING!”
After the dinner in which I felt ashamed and had to rip farts to aleviate the pain in my stomach, we hopped back into the limo and headed for a little pub called “O’Douls”.
I have to be honest and say that I didn’t want to go because I expected there to be music with pipes and lots of white men drinking beer, but man, was I wrong.
Let’s just say they should change the name of that place to O’Mexican’s. I felt right at home because the mexicans? They are My People.
In the limo, I was ALL TALK about “the dares” we had for the bride. I was like “Hey, if you don’t want to do one, pass it to me and I’ll do it because I’m WILD AND KAH-RAAZY and I DON’T EVEN CARE!” HA! HA! They whipped out the “Start a conga line” card and I was like “Hell to the no on that!” You see, I was in the midst of My People and I refused to bring shame to them. Like, what kind of a Mexican would I be if I busted out in a conga line during “Lean Back?”
Can I get a “Viva La Mexico?”
We decided to move along to a different place where we could annoy men (to help my friend complete her dares) and drink of The Devil Water. We ended up at a place called “The Palms” or something like that, I don’t know, I wasn’t paying attention.
It was at this point in the night I became completely aware that I was “The Fat Girl” of the group and pretty much of the entire club and, once again, wanted to run to the bathroom and cry. BUT! Instead, I drank lots of alcohol and pretended to be totally ok with the big, fat body I was sporting.
I almost forgot about it when when guy approached me to ask me if I was single.
“No, I’m married.”
“Damn. Ok, but you’re HOT.”
“HA! HA! Right.”
*Whispers in my ear* “I’m going to give you my number anyway, beautiful.”
Isn’t that special? I kicked him in the vagina.
I decided to leave the group and hit the dance floor. The “underage” girl who got in using a cousins ID joined me and we danced our asses off with a guy named Victor who, for some reason, wanted us to find a way to get him invited to the wedding. I, in semi-drunkeness, was all “dude, don’t worry, you’re so there and I gave him my email address to prove that I meant it.
As if I have that kind of pull with my friends. I still think they only invited me because they wanted me to do The Worm if it got boring.
It never did get boring. The entire night was a blast, from start to finish and everywhere in between. Well, except the part where I wanted to kill myself because the only thing I can say when asked “So, what do YOU do?” is “Um, make tittymilk and stuff.”
Oh…OH! And the part where my friend got sick in the limo on the way home and DEMANDED that the limo driver pull over. On the freeway. At two something in the morning. When OTHER DRUNK PEOPLE ARE ZOOMING PAST YOU AT VERY HIGH SPEED AND YOU COULD POSSIBLY GET KILLED INSTANTLY IF THEY SWIRVED FOR ANY REASON.
Ok, and the part where I had to hold my friend’s hair up and pull it out of her face WHILE SHE PUKED because um, remember, I don’t even clean my children’s puke because I FEAR The Puke. But, everyone left and I had no choice but to take care of her, even if she was yelling at me the entire time. (“Leave me alone, Let me sleep here on the cold, hard floor! STOOOOPP ITTTT.”)
But other than THAT. Pure awesomeness.
It makes me wish that someone had thrown ME a bachlorette party.
I always miss out on all the fun stuff, man.

46 thoughts on “Penis balloons are funny.

  1. Laura

    I’m so glad you had a mostly fun time!
    Don’t worry so much about what those people think of you. Having a college degree and a nice house and all that doesn’t automatically guarantee you have a happy life and a great marriage and amazing children. Besides, you’re funny, and I have no doubt you’re funnier than everyone else at that table, and they were totally jealous of that.

  2. Mellissa

    I hate the “What do you do?” question. Because I’m 29, married with no degree, no children, and only casual work. A lot of people think I’m abnormal, because hey, you don’t have kids, you should be working full-time, woman! But you know what? SCREW THEM. They are probably just jealous because I don’t HAVE to go out and work. We’re not rich by any means, but we’re comfortable. We choose not to have new cars and plasma tv’s which means we don’t have debt which means one income is sufficient for now. I refuse to let the perceptions of others make me feel bad for a choice that is mine and my husbands alone.
    So these days, if someone asks me that questions, and I know they’re just fishing for info/gossip and don’t really care what my answer is, I say “As little as possible” or “Watch Oprah and eat chocolate.” And they think I’m kidding. Ha!

  3. Y

    I know, you’re both right.
    Most days, I feel that way. Like “screw them, I’m raising my kids and having a hell of a good time doing it!” But I guess just being surrounded by that many successful women made me feel stupid.
    I also think as my kids get older, I feel lost because what will I do when they’re grown and out of the house? I think I’m going to go back to school, even if I can’t really afford it, I want my children to be proud of me.
    And? I want to be able to buy a new camera, dammit!

  4. demondoll

    Reading your posts- you are far from stupid, you’re witty. I laugh out loud at your fun stories. You have a great way with words, and you are obviously smart…
    And if you really said,”I make titty milk and stuff” you are my new hero.

  5. Nicole

    You SO have no right to feel inferior to anyone. You are freakin’ hilarious and I’d feel privileged to spend any time with you (laughing my ass off, I’m sure) and I’m sure they felt the same way. (and, yeah, they were probably jealous of your funniness!)

  6. Itchy

    Y- I work with mostly people with at least Bachelor degrees but some have their Masters. These people lack any common sense…none. I can’t believe the things that they do or say…They also think I’m “stupid” for not pursing my Bachelor degree, I “only” have my Associates…but you know what, I have common sense. That’s way more important to me. And you have it, too. Hurray for common sense!
    So…did you buy anything. :P

  7. skits

    No degree in the world can make anyone a better person. It’s who you are inside that counts. I know people with Masters degrees who are complete assholes and I know people who never finished high school that are self-aware, whole human beings. And vice versa.
    I know that you’re a beautiful person–inside and out. And, while I know you struggle sometimes–just remember that we all do–but not everyone fights to overcome their insecurities the way you do. There are people in the world who will always live inside their own personal hell and never once will it occur to them to try to get out.
    And, if you think the after-party recovery is hard NOW–just wait until you hit whorety. Ouch.

  8. DeeGee

    Awesome post! Sounds like you had a great time, and I’m happy to hear it! A drunken night out on the town with the ladies after much talk of handjobs and enchilada stuffings. :-) Who could ask for more?

  9. PK

    Honey? The thing is, I bet NONE of your friends see you that way. They hang out with you because they think you’re awesome, no matter what sort of stupid degree you have or don’t have or whether you work in the home, outside the home, or on top of the home. I don’t know, unless they’re the types of Betties who like to torment people for whom they have no respect or admiration by hanging out with them and pretending to be their friends just to make them feel like crap?

  10. girl

    my bachelorette party wasn’t nearly that crazy. we sat around in our jammies, ate junk food, watched a chick flick, and played trivia games. we are WILD AND CRAZY, people! yes, we are.

  11. trish

    Here’s something you probably don’t realize. I’m one of those women with a degree and a career and I envy the women who talk about their families, their husbands, their long-lasting marriages, etc. I’ve been uncomfortable many times because I’m the outsider who hasn’t been married forever. A lot of people would gladly trade for what you have. Plus, I have no idea about the dolphin.

  12. Mary

    I would write a long post addressing all that you said but I can sum it up by saying…
    I know exactly how you feel.
    And many many many women feel the same way as we do.
    But we are sacrificing all that we could do to raise and love our children.
    Would you rather be in an office somewhere with that baby of yours in daycare all day?
    No. :)
    Glad you had fun!

  13. Z

    *I* would have thrown you a bachelorette party and we would have gone out and BECAUSE we’re both Big Bodacious Babes (you have GOT to stop saying “fat” – you’ve just GOTTA) we would have put all those anorexic bitches to shame because you and I both know, Y, BBB’s know how to have a good time. Don’t we? :)

  14. reese

    I haven’t read the comments, so someone has probably said this, but raising 3 kids and managing finances the way you do takes a LOT OF skills, brains, finesse and is a huge accomplishment.
    I have many friends with college degrees and high-end jobs in the media field. These friends are also carrying (straight out of college) 30k-plus of debt (on TOP of student loans), are in miserable relationships or marriages and think that the size of their asses defines their existence. Is that accomplishment? I think not!
    Girl, how you juggle your kids and your home is amazing. To do the same scares the shit out of me. I run a successful business, but I don’t t hink I could run a home like you do to save my life. And because of that I have a great deal of respect and admiration for your accomplishments. You are someone I look up to! I don’t care about your “affiliations” or degrees or lack thereof. Let’s face it: you’ve raised awesome kids, you’re a good wife, you’re working hard on that butt of yours and you’re hands down one of best written blogs I read :)

  15. daysgoby

    I know exactly how you feel – somedays I’m comfortable with myself and sometimes I catch sight of myself in the mirror and think ‘And who the hell are you??”
    Growing up sucks. Being half-ashamed of yourself sucks more.
    I love my husband, love my kids – but this is soo different than the life I had planned for myself…

  16. Bronwen

    Hey, I have a Masters degree and a job and a house, and I wish I could stay home with Miss Peanut and raise her like you’re doing with your kids. I come read your blog every day because why? You’re hilarious. I’m always the fattest one in my group, but who cares?
    You value yourself for more than your figure, as you should. You are an awesome mom and a fabulous writer. And, you have the added bonus of being able to “navigate a penis.” I thought I’d burst a blood vessel in my brain from laughing so hard.

  17. Janet

    I just got my degree at 36 (last year), and while I am extremely proud of myself, I would give anything to have three beautiful children.
    My husband and I are either going to go back on the infertility train or adopt next year, and if something happens there, I will withdraw my application to graduate school. Just trying to put some a little perspective in here for you.

  18. Ellie

    Ditto Bronwen’s post. Both my husband and I have post-grad degrees, which mean we now have to work to pay off the school loans and daycare. I wish I could stay home with my kids every single moment of every day. I don’t think a degree, job or money makes you any more or less of a person. It’s what you do that counts. And you, you’re raising three well-adjusted kids who make good decisions (except for that whole walking home thing). Also, I could never go to a “pleasure party” and not pee in my pants laughing…that’s something to put on your resume!
    Thanks for the blog, it brightens my days.

  19. Annika

    I never cared that my mom didn’t have a degree, but I hated how sad she’d get when she felt like she was nothing but a mom. After my sister and I were out of the house, my mom got a pilot’s license. She likes flying and planes so much that she then went to technical school (so hard for her!) and is now certified to fix them as well as fly them. This all happened after she turned 50. Right now you’re a mom and it’s taking up most of your time. Sooner or later you’ll need something else to do, and you’ll find it. I am certain.
    I kind of wish I’d had a bachelorette party, too, but only if you were there. Can I have the equivalent before the baby comes? Would it even be any fun without a margarita or six?

  20. Mit_Moi

    I second all the comments above, “You’re witty person, a good writer, caring mom, loving/fun wife – who’s doing a GREAT job. And I’m sure you’re invited out with the gang – because you FIT IN with them … intelligence-wise and humor-wise.” And I’ll also add that the job you’re doing is one that some of us could NEVER do, nor do we want to TRY.
    Although I have a college degree, I work with plenty of people who’ve had the opportunity to learn the ropes and advance without a degree. I still think there are companies out there who will give you a chance … and not stop you from moving up IF you work hard at your job and to learn your job and industry.
    So … when the kiddies are all attending Jr. High/High School, maybe you’ll choose to enter the work world. And then you’ll wonder, “WHY DID I EVER WANT TO DO THIS instead of take pictures and blog?”
    Thank you for always giving me perspective about how I see myself (over weight) and how I see you (someone who’s too hard on herself and lets her body image eclipse her other abilities) because I think that’s how others must see me.
    Ps: sorry for the long comment

  21. Mieke

    This post was wonderful. I loved it.
    We all have days or moments when we feel less-than -regardless of education level and income. It wouldn’t matter if you had a degree, owned your house, and had tons of money, there is always someone else who has more money, more success, a bigger house, etc. The women you were with have the exact same insecurities that you do- and just like for you those insecurities come and go depending on the day and moment.
    As we talked about, a degree, or professional certificate is not that far away. It is not some out of reach pie-in-the-sky aspiration. It’s about honoring you love of being home and raising your daughter (and sons) and then, when the time is right, taking the first step towards whatever goal you set for yourself. One step at a time.

  22. pookie

    Haha You are so funny. I was laughing so loud…I almost tinkled in my pants. I got the Doug Hefernan quote and the disgrace to the mexicans. I say…”viva Mexico!”
    Anywho, I’m 29 have a degree but I choose to stay home with my 6 month old son Ethan.
    So, needless to say I rent, have no new cars or career. My friends are all so envious of my cool lifestyle. I am raising my child and debt free.
    A degree doesn’t make you a better person, your personality does, and you ROCK so, there!

  23. Jessica

    Y, I know how you feel every single day. only, i do work full time. I had my son when i was 18 and have been working full time since then. i have not gone to college because that would mean only seeing my son maybe a total of 2 hours a week… and i’m the only parent he has, so that’s out of the question. I am 27 years old and still live with my dad because i can not afford a place of my own. i applied for subsidized housing 18 months ago and i’m still on the waiting list. my father and his new wife make it clear every-single-day that they can’t wait for us to move out. not that i really want to be under my father’s roof. ALL of my friends have great degrees, wonderful husbands, beautiful children and perfect houses… and none of them are hurting for money. none of them are unhappy in any way. i always feel like the outsider when we get together.
    i do love my son more than anything. and i have every intention of one day going to school. but right now, that’s really not an option… and so i have to make ends meet somehow on $19,000 a year… because i am not qualified for a job that pays more. beleive me i’ve tried and keep trying.
    anyway, Y, feel free to vent about those feelings whenever you feel them. because there are a lot of us who totally understand.

  24. Debbie

    Where are you when I go out??? Everyone else is so boring!
    You and your dolphin have fun now! I went to one of those parties several years ago and I was all about the c cream!!! Oh yeah!
    Everyone of those girls was wishing they were you Y!!! You’re the best!

  25. hotdrwife

    First of all, I LOVE YOUR BLOG. Long time lurker, first time poster (and all that crap).
    I completely understand how you feel! DO I EVER! I have a h.s degree and I am married to a freaking doctor. Don’t you know those parties kick ass!! (not hardly … as I hate the ‘what do you do?’ questions)
    The last time they asked I answered, “Underwater Bulgarian Basketweaving. It’s harder than it sounds”.
    Shut’em up real quick!
    PS Dolphins rock.

  26. kim J

    I sooooo want to have a fun night like that. It has been so long since i have had a wild and crazy night.
    You had me laughing so hard. Your great and you have and are doing the best job in the world. You are a great mom. Plus you make me laugh on almost a daily basis and i so need that.
    Thanks again for a great read.

  27. Broad

    I’m sure someone has said this already, but if you REALLY want a degree, it’s never too late to go out and get one — though personally, I think it’s overrated for most positions that aren’t in medicine, engineering or other science-based positions. And having the piece of paper saying you have a BA or BS in something does not a better person make. It’s certainly not going to make you any funnier or more likeable, anyway.

  28. fl0w3r

    There aren’t many “professions” that are as noble and impact the world quite as much as the role of a stay-at-home parent.
    You are a person to be proud of and I envy you.

  29. Shelley

    Hey Yvonne….
    Sounds like you had a great time. You know what…I think you should get some friends together and throw yourself an after the fact bachelorette party. It’s a great excuse to have another fun party….and to get back that party you definitely deserve!

  30. becky

    when all of the kids are in school, i think it would be great if you took some classes part time. you can do it, yvonne!
    but you’re certainly not a failure, y. i would much rather start on my family now, but i know i won’t have time to finish my degree with kids around. if i don’t do it now i may never finish. and then, i’ll dust off my shiny new degree and try to start a family. and if i’m really lucky, i’ll get to work from home so i can stay with the kids.
    your kids will thank you for all you do, y. that’s the best thing of all. not some fancy title, big cars, or big houses that someone else cleans for you. you gave them… you. i admire that.

  31. Heatheranne

    I so so so want to party with you. That’s it! I’m calling my boyfriend Charles in California (don’t worry, my husband is cool with it) so I can fly out and stay with him while I stalk you so we can party. Cool? OR! You can fly to cold snowy sucky Ohio and I’ll take you to all the hick bars where we can count the mullets. It can be a drinking game. Take a drink for every mullet you see.

  32. dana michelle

    Ok. You MUST go out and rent the movie “Escanaba in Da Moonlight”. It’s an independent film that Jeff Daniels made about the opening day of deer hunting season in the UP (‘Upper Peninsula’ of Michigan, for you non-Northerners)
    Early in the movie there is a flashback scene with a whole bar full of men and women playing that game with pool cues and toilet paper rolls. It is hilarious!!
    I’m so glad that you had fun with your friends. Do NOT beat yourself up for not having a degree. I don’t have one either and I’m older than you. My older sister decided to enter college when her last child started high school a few years ago. She was in her late 40′s, and she is having a blast because she really wants to be there and is studying something she loves. It is NEVER too late, Y!
    I will second, third and fourth what everyone else has already said here. You are in no way stupid. You have an amazing talent for the written word, and you can weave a story like no other blogger I read. I nearly always laugh out loud at your posts. You are far more talented than you give yourself credit for.
    We can’t all be career women (or men). You should be proud that you’ve chosen to ‘do without ‘ for the sake of raising your precious family. That is priceless. The world needs more of that.
    Hold your head up high, you beautiful woman!! :)

  33. Kay

    Ok. I laughed my ass off at most of that post but what is burning in my mind is the memory now that I have “remembered” of my first “toy” party contest. We passed a buzzing vibrator between each other, no hands, only using our thighs and they stuck me with a 40 something chick with a beer gut so we lost.
    So damn girl, I admire your “penis to vagina” skills.
    Oh and Viva La Mexico!

  34. Jane

    Hi–I have been reading you for a while, haven’t commented before. You have a lovely, funny style and I would hang out with you anytime!
    What is it with us women? No matter who we are, whatever our situation, it seems like society is setting us up to feel bad about ourselves! I am one of those people with a graduate degree, a career, a house, a husband and two gorgeous (adopted from foster care) kids. I mentally beat myself up daily (just ask the husband) about being an inadequate mom, unable to balance all the elements in my life. Ordering a pizza for dinner, having piles of laundry all over, forgetting the field trip permission slip, all contribute to my sense that I’m doing a bad job of mommying. I enjoy my work (I’m home today recovering from an injury) but I envy with all my heart the moms who stay home.
    Is there some vast unseen conspiracy to make us feel dissatisfied and unworthy, no matter what?

  35. heidi

    Please do not get an education! Those fucking schools will just cram maturity and shit down your throat and make you unable to be this honest, hilarious, and downright self aware and wise woman!
    Seriously, I know a lot of funny bloggers but you Y, you make me laugh out loud. I love who you are and who you are is becasue of what you’ve done in life.

  36. Carmen

    You made me laugh out loud, girl. I got married at 19 to a man 16 years older, didn’t get a college education, and pushed 6 kids out. Now I’m staying home, trying to stretch the money myself.
    You are hysterical, and now you are blogrolled.

  37. momofboys

    I have a master’s degree, but still freeze up when someone asks me “what I do”. I teach, raise children, and pursue a higher education, but it never seems to be enough. When I tell people I hosted birthday parties while writing a thesis, they don’t seem to believe me. By the way,if it is any consolation to you gals who are lucky enough to stay home, my hard work and education hasn’t given me much “street cred” with the housewives I know.. I’m always the outstider with the playgroup moms, even though I’ve nursed and fretted with the best of the stay at home gals.
    I really admire stay at home moms who can manage to stay sane. You girls rock!

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