Beaver

Yesterday, my husband told me that we have a gopher in the backyard.
I freaked out.
“A GOPHER? What the? Where did it come from? HOW? WHY? AAAAAAHHHH.”
He couldn’t believe how upset I got over a gopher, so he came to the most LOGICAL EXPLANATION FOR MY REACTION EVER!
“Babe, I think you have it confused with a beaver.”
Right, because, surely I couldn’t be upset about a gopher and must have thought he meant the creature with large front teeth, who eats tree bark and BUILDS DAMS!!
And I don’t want no beavers to be buildin’ no dams in my backyard!
I shouldn’t be surprised at his “beaver” comment, the man has a history of saying things that make me go “…THE HELL?
Like, the time that I was very sick and started crying about how much pain I was in and he pointed his finger at me, got in my face and yelled “I TOLD YOU TO LAY OFF OF THE DIET COKE, WOMAN.”
Huh?
Most of the time, his totally random, completely bizarre comments make me laugh hysterically, but when I’m “pre-raggin’ it” I want to tape his mouth shut with a maxipad.

14 thoughts on “Beaver

  1. Stacey

    My Dad used to kill those things when he was a kid for farmers.
    Atleast I think it was gophers. All those weird rodent things look alike. ;)

  2. ben

    We used to have gophers, lots of ‘em, at our old house.
    We also had a couple dogs that LOVED to chase gophers.
    Cheap entertainment, I tell ya, sitting in your yard watching your dog dig a twenty yard trench trying to get to something that apparently can dig even faster.
    Good times…

  3. kim

    OMG – tape his mouth shut with a maxipad ! those things you come up with are one of the reasons i wuv you and coming here so much! there’s your laugh when you need it!

  4. Y

    I kind of figured not too many people would find this post funny. But I was crying when I wrote it, because the man KILLS ME.
    I guess you had to be there.
    Beaver.

  5. Itchy

    Y…this is a very funny post. Sure it’s mostly one of those “had to be there” things…but it’s also funny because I have a hubby that says the most ridiculous things each and every day and it’s nice to be reminded that we all do! :P

  6. Jennifer

    “I TOLD YOU TO LAY OFF THE DIET COKE, WOMAN.”
    I can’t stop laughing.
    My husband usually says, “I think it’s time you went to talk to someone again.” What? I can’t just be pissed off?
    but maybe it’s the DIET COKE! lol

  7. tracy

    ugh, i know how you feel about pre-rag time. fortunately for me, i’ve got a whole month until i hit that shit hole again.
    but usually i have a week of utter torture, where i eat constantly, throw things at my boyfriend, and mope around because i hate myself and everyone else. and then i cry and watch tv until i pass out.
    so yeah. just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone in that, and that i hope your post about “logging off” isn’t anything final, because i would miss your blog too much. seriously. it makes do some major LOL-ing.

  8. melly

    I have something to cheer you up:
    jezemelly79: i have a story for my blog but i’m not sure if it’s funny
    jezemelly79: i think i’m so silly out of my mind right now that i can’t tell
    Lakergirll1: i’m sure it is!
    jezemelly79: you want to hear it?
    jezemelly79: it’s short
    Lakergirll1: yeah lemme hear it
    jezemelly79: okay
    jezemelly79: a few years ago when i was going to private school, i could have gone to europe
    jezemelly79: no wait, i was still in public school dating a guy at private school
    jezemelly79: and i was supposed to go to europe with my photography class
    Lakergirll1: k
    jezemelly79: well he had gone into the air force
    Lakergirll1: keep writing i have to pee. i’ll brb
    jezemelly79: and that i day i was crying at lunch and choked on my sandwich
    jezemelly79: no i’ll wait
    jezemelly79: let me know when you are back
    Lakergirll1: ok back
    jezemelly79: ok
    jezemelly79: but that’s not the funny part
    jezemelly79: it was a bologna sandwich, but i don’t really like bologna anymore
    jezemelly79: i usually have turkey
    jezemelly79: anyways
    jezemelly79: he was off at bootcamp for like six weeks
    jezemelly79: and it turns out that his graduation was on the same day that i was supposed to leave for europe
    jezemelly79: so i battled with it, you know
    jezemelly79: should i go? should I stay?
    Lakergirll1: right ok…
    jezemelly79: and my mother had spent like $1000 dollars on this trip
    jezemelly79: i decided to stay for his graduation
    jezemelly79: which pissed off my mother but she got over it
    jezemelly79: i wore this beautiful pale pink suit
    jezemelly79: very jackie o, only not at all because i’m blonde and poor and from texas
    jezemelly79: i even had matching shoes, I swear
    Lakergirll1: hahaa
    Lakergirll1: ok
    jezemelly79: and we get there
    jezemelly79: no, that’s not the funny part
    jezemelly79: anyways
    Lakergirll1: lol ok
    jezemelly79: we get there and we have to sit on bleachers
    jezemelly79: and it starts raining
    jezemelly79: i have no umbrella
    jezemelly79: so i’m sitting there in the rain watching these people graduate bootcamp
    jezemelly79: and afterwards, jason (the guy) takes us all back to his dorm
    jezemelly79: you see his parents were there with me, a big family thing
    Lakergirll1: k
    jezemelly79: and he’s showing us his locker and his bunk
    jezemelly79: he’s wearing his blue dress uniform
    jezemelly79: was looking very hot
    jezemelly79: and i in my pink suit, together we looked very regal and important
    jezemelly79: we didn’t get to stay long
    jezemelly79: i think on the way back though, god, i can’t remember this part
    jezemelly79: i don’t remember where we ate
    jezemelly79: well, anyways, we went back to his parent’s house without him of course
    jezemelly79: or maybe he was with us
    jezemelly79: i can’t remember that either
    jezemelly79: oh well, not important
    jezemelly79: so anyways, we go back to donnie’s house (donnie is his dad)
    Lakergirll1: ok…
    jezemelly79: and we decide to wrestle
    jezemelly79: i know that sounds sick but really it was normal family fun that involved rubbing our crotches on each other
    jezemelly79: i didn’t really want to do it
    jezemelly79: not that i was uncomfortable
    jezemelly79: it’s just that i hadn’t brought anything to change into
    Lakergirll1: you and jason, right, not you and donny
    jezemelly79: i still had this suit on
    jezemelly79: no, the whole family
    jezemelly79: we’d wrestle and beat the crap out of each other for fun
    jezemelly79: seriously
    Lakergirll1: the whole family was going to wrestle? ok
    jezemelly79: but this isn’t a serious story, it’s a fun one
    Lakergirll1: lol ok
    jezemelly79: this is texas, yvonne, we wrestle and have bbq’s
    jezemelly79: so anyways
    Lakergirll1: LMAO ok
    jezemelly79: NO!
    jezemelly79: i haven’t gotten to the funny part
    Lakergirll1: OK!
    jezemelly79: why are you yelling at me? i’m trying to tell you a funny story
    Lakergirll1: because i’m laughing and you keep teling me that’s not the funny part. but your’e cracking me up anyway ok but i’m not yelling
    jezemelly79: look
    jezemelly79: don’t heckle the talent
    jezemelly79: just sit back and enjoy the story
    jezemelly79: now where was i?
    Lakergirll1: ok. but cant’ a ho laugh?
    Lakergirll1: ok. i’m crying now
    jezemelly79: she can very quietly
    Lakergirll1: dont heckle t he talent
    Lakergirll1: lol
    jezemelly79: STOP LAUGHING
    Lakergirll1: ok i’m stopping now.. go on
    jezemelly79: I HAVEN’T GOTTEN TO THE FUNNY PART AND YOU’RE FUCKING LAUGHING! I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS.
    jezemelly79: are you with me?
    jezemelly79: seriously
    jezemelly79: try to tell someone a funny story and they laugh at you
    jezemelly79: let me guess, andrew fell into a well

  9. Livika

    Hee hee!
    Guys can be so dense. I actually got into a fight with mine about how insensitive and dense he can be. It worked out though, he is trying to work on that, just like I am trying to work on my over-sensitivity.

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