A party. With Balls. For my vagina.

Next weekend, I will be attending a “Passion party”.
Words can not even express THE PURE JOY I feel inside of my heart (and, let’s be honest, my vagina is pretty darn excited too.)
I have never been to one of these parties, but I once had a friend whose mother sold sex toys and such and man, did we have fun looking at them and trying to figure out what they were for. (We were pre-teen and very curious.)
I can GARUANTEE YOU that I will be laughing during the entire presentation because as much as I like to talk about my vagina and boinking, I will be very uncomfortable in a room filled with unfamiliar vaginas.
How WEIRD is it going to be when they start talking about BEN-WA BALLS (ha! ha! HAHA!) and I make eye contact with some woman who is thinking about buying them and I know she very well may be WALKING AROUND WITH SILVER BALLS UP IN HER TWAT?
The funny thing is that I remember seeing those in my friend’s mom’s collection of sex toys and I HELD THEM IN MY HANDS whilst pondering what a person could possibly do with cold, silver balls that would make them feel good in the places I wasn’t supposed to know about yet.
I get it now! BENWABALLS!
BALLS!
I am going to FREAK OUT, PEOPLE.
Especially if they whip out THE LOVE SWING.
love_swing.jpg
As if the swing itself isn’t enough to make me laugh until I piss myself, take a gander at the “description.”
Suspend your partner at the perfect height for making love standing or in those tricky positions that normally hurt your knees or back. Moving your partner is effortless, providing you both more energy for passion.
My first question on that one will be, “What’s the weight limit?” Because, does that look like it could safely hold ALL OF THIS? I mean, I think at my weight, one would have to have vaulted ceilings to NOT HIT THE GROUND the minute one sat down in anticipation for some KAH-RAAZY VERTICAL BOINKING.
I have seriously reverted back to around the age of 11 where I do not find these things sexy or exciting but,um, TOTALLY HILARIOUS.
I’m already dying here and there are still 8 DAYS until I actually am sitting in a room with women I don’t know looking at products that are going to quite possibly TOUCH AND OR BE STUCK INSIDE OF OUR VAGINAS.
There is no possible way I can be mature about this. I know, some of you are thinking “get a grip, woman, it’s not a big deal.” But, I have lived a sheltered life, a life in which my father was a pastor and um, we didn’t talk about “down there”.
The BEST PART about this is that right after The Party? We’re hopping in a limo and GOING CLUBBING.
Think about that for a minute.
Three o’clock, I’m all “So, what you’re telling me is that I stick that up me twat, and then bend over backwards whilst he’s licking this bubblegum oil off of my boobs?” Two hours later I’m in a club, on a dance floor, with strangers. Do you have any idea how much I’m going to want to run around telling everyone what I just learned?
“HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF BEN WA BALLS? DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU PUT THEM? WANT ME TO TELL YOU? HAHA!”
Y’all? This is has the potential to be the greatest night of my entire life.

24 thoughts on “A party. With Balls. For my vagina.

  1. JustLinda

    I married a bonafide pervert and I spent our first couple years together with my jaw on the floor. I didn’t even know a fraction of these things were out there. Oh. My. God.
    So I know all about those things and more and I spend most my life trying to keep my husband from buying and/or using such things on me.
    I’m surprised we don’t have a trapeeze in our bedroom…

  2. Nina

    I’m afraid i would have to join you in the laughter. I’m pretty much a 12 year old when it comes to fancy bedroom toys, although i would love to go to one of those parties and LMAO.

  3. NinaKaye

    My husband is a perv, but thankfully, we live far away from the stores that carry this stuff (and when we’ve been near them we had a kid with us).
    At my family’s Thanksgiving thing, my cousin was telling him all about the stores and the stuff in them and about the swing and it’s accessories and I was thinking “if we had that in our house, the ceiling would collapse.” hahahaha

  4. Itchy

    Oh please…I’m with you in the giggling party. I giggle when I hear balls…hee hee…
    And I never thought that I lived a sheltered life, and compared to others I didn’t, but I’ve never been to one of these parties nor even entertained the idea of purchasing any of the products that they sell there. And the more I’m on the Internet the more I feel like I’m in the minority there!

  5. debutaunt

    I own no toys. I am so deprived.
    Although I think I might be pretty close to finding just the dude to use a few on me. Things are looking up!
    Hope you find some great things for your snatch, woman.

  6. Nicole

    I love it! You’re hilarious with the ben wa balls and the strange vaginas talk! Enjoy your party – they’re a blast (and there’s always lots of laughter!)

  7. Diva*Licious

    Girl, you are going to have sooo much fun!! One of my good friends sells “passion” toys and I have been to several parties. They are ALWAYS a blast. Each one is different, but you will always have a good time! And, as for the swing, it’ll hold ya!!

  8. Annika

    OHMYGOD I want to go with you! BEN WA BALLS! HAHAHAHAHA! Though I must say, that LOVE SWING is sounding pretty good. It’d really take the pressure off my lower back. Husband not required! I’ll just hang out and knit!

  9. gtc

    I attended one of those parties a few years back. The woman presenting was absolutely hilarious. She would pretend to demonstrate different things by bouncing up and down (still on her feet, standing) and telling you what to do in the funniest way possible. She sure got us all warmed up to feel comfortable asking questions and ordering tons. Gawd, I spent so much money that night.
    This was at a bachelorette party, so we gifted a ton of money for the bride-to-be to get what she’d need to fulfill her when the man could or would not. She decided to buy us all vibrating panties with remote controls. All I have to say is that it can make a trip to the grocery store all the more interesting. :)

  10. chris

    I have never been to one of those parties either. But I wish I could go with you. Just so I could giggle like a school girl with someone.

  11. Tammy

    I’ve been to more of those parties than I want to admit, and let me tell you, it’s a blast. Are they serving wine? Cause that makes it all the better, and people buy much more!!! The consultant here actually gets people to TRY a product…she puts it on a q-tip, and sends you off the a room alone to….apply it. It’s called “Pleasure Balm” and I freely admit, it’t the best thing EVER!! After the first party, I was always the first to throw my hand in the air when she said “Who wants to try?” Nope, not shy at all.

  12. Bronwen

    I think I’d be in the front row, going “oooooh, aaahhh, give me 4 of those!” (Christmas shopping, you know). I’ll admit it, I’m a perv with a frigid husband. I bought BOB (Battery Operated Boyfriend) years ago. I think it’s time to upgrade.

  13. jenny lee

    ok, so what you are telling me is, those bennyhannawhoah balls are to put WHERE? aren’t those to strengthen the muscles in your hands?
    *long pause to wait for the laughing to stop*
    no i’m not kidding. they sell those at the imports store..i mean they …..well what i……you put them where?
    i’d be interested in hosting a passion party lol maybe i’d learn about sex. (you can read the story of my sexless life at my website…ok no you can’t)

  14. nine

    you know…if you ever need someone to come and laugh like a 13 year old schoolgirl with you at events such as these…
    i’m not all that far away from you and yes. yes, i DO have a checkbook and i sure as heck know how to use it!
    and psst. i’m not shy about the asking of the questions or the trying of the products either 😉

  15. Fiona

    hahhahaha vaulted ceiling….i’m so with you there Y….it certainly sounds like it could be fun but i’d be afraid i either tore a huge chunk out of my ceiling or my ass ended up scraping the floor coz i’d maxed out the spring!!!!
    oh and Y…your new pics…you look TEEEEEEEEEERIFIC!!!!!! awesome….you look so amazing…way to go sistah!!!!!

  16. Debbie

    That’s what you do with those silver balls? How do you walk without uncrossing your legs and thus sending the balls rolling out and down your legs and across the floor???
    I’ve been to one of these parties and it was quite uh, uh revealing.

  17. ben

    I never get invited to those kinds of parties. Nothing could be better than sitting in a room full of women laughing about things that go into their vaginas.
    I’d even bring the margaritas.
    Take pictures, m’kay?

  18. Fiona

    Y….we’re all awaiting the day with as much excitement as you…coz we’ll get to read your blog afterwards *L*….that one should be a doozie!!!!
    hugs

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