And they call this ” A Parenting Blog” ha! ha!

I have a confession.
I HATE CHRISTMAS TREES.
I hate picking one out, I hate decorating them, I hate watering them, I hate vacuuming around them, I hate having to take the decorations off.
I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT CHRISTMAS TREES.
I try to pretend I don’t hate them, because, you know, the kids love them and look forward to getting one and making it all “pretty”.
I do my best to make it enjoyable. I make hot cocoa, and put on christmas music. I smile while they hang the ornaments all random like with no regard for SPACING or PLACEMENT. I say things like “very pretty!” “wow, you really have an eye for decorating!” “I really am LOVING THIS, YOU GUYS!”
But deep down inside? I WANT TO PUNCH PEOPLE.
Ah, Letting the kids help decorate the tree is GREAT FUN!.
One year? I rebelled and refused to go shopping for the tree. I told Tony I trusted him and the boys to pick out a great tree!
Yeah, that didn’t work out to well because they came home with a tree that was MISSING THE ENTIRE MIDDLE SECTION.

I was pissed and man, I said a whole ‘lotta “F” words, but Tony wasn’t even having it, he was like “Oh HELL NO”. (because, you know, I made the choice to not help him pick it out, but, come on, how do you pick a tree with NO MIDDLE SECTION?)
Anyway, I swore I’d never do that again and that, as much as I hate shopping for trees, I’d suck it up and go because, HO HO HO MERRY CHRISTMAS! I love doing holiday things with my kids! I AM A GREAT MOTHER!
But really? I’m not a “great mother” when it comes to the holidays. I don’t have the patience for it. Like, last night. I had the bright idea to go to Michaels to buy some supplies to do some “holiday crafts.” I decided on glass ornaments to paint and clay ornaments to bake.
Um. Within the first 5 minutes water was spilled on the newspaper I had just laid on the table and one glass ornament was shattered into pieces.
Now, a Good Mother, who possessed patience and a little holiday spirit might have sighed a little, but understood, “hey! They’re just kids, relax! It’s Christmas.”
But me? I put my face in my hands and GROWLED, like “AAAHHHHHGRRRRRRRRR”.
“Are you going to cry mom? You’re going to cry, aren’t you?”
“No! I’m not going to cry! I’m going to take a few deep breaths and remind myself that this is fun and ACCIDENTS HAPPEN! So, give me a minute and we’ll get back to painting after I calm down.”

It’s like, I realize I’m being an Asshole Mother, but I can’t stop myself. How do you patient, christmas loving, perfect mothers DO IT? What is your secret?
Tony will be home in less then an hour and as soon as he takes a dump, we’ll head out to look for a tree. I’ve been thinking “positive thoughts” all day, but I promise you, the minute we hit the tree lot, I’ll be wishing I was at home, watching Dr.Phil whilst EATING MY 6TH BANANA for the day.
Because, trust me, that would be more fun than looking for a stupid Christmas Tree.

21 thoughts on “And they call this ” A Parenting Blog” ha! ha!

  1. Joelle

    omg, dude. you are me. I LOVE to look at the Christmas tree and I love the idea of the Christmas tree, but the actual tree decorating, picking, lights part? I’d really rather tweeze out my pubes. I psyche myself into being excited every year, then build it into this Hallmark moment and inevitably give myself a tinsel-induced breakdown.
    When I’m rich and famous, I’m going to hire myself a tree decorator like Oprah. Eff the damn tree. Eff it all to hell, I say!
    But… well, it’s still all sparkly. :)

  2. NinaKaye

    You got me beat in the “great mother” department. I don’t even attempt things like that because I know I’ll become a raging bitch about the same time the package of the craft is open. (but then, I’m a raging bitch all the time, so I guess it wouldn’t really make a difference! haha)

  3. Ms. Q

    I used to try to be a “great mother” but I discovered something! They don’t exist! They are like Santa, the Easter Bunny and the tooth fairy – a lovely idea but totally imaginary!!
    All moms try, and all moms kind of suck at certain things they think they are supposed to do, and then they feel bad, and then our kids think we are kind of mental ’cause we all cry at some point during “craft” time, but it’s the same all over the world! You’re not alone!

  4. Diva*Licious

    I really hate putting up Christmas trees myself. I don’t even have one at my own house (don’t have kids, so I can get away with not having one). I do usually help my mom with her tree, but she uses an artificial one that is prelit. They are definately not as pleasing to the eyes as a real one, but man are they EASY!! Girl, you know men don’t have no kinda attention to detail. That tree was a little fugly, but I know that you hooked it up and made it purdy!!

  5. marie b.

    the other half was busy at work, so i decided to dismantle our 8′ natural tree by myself. it all went smoothly, because i’m a pro at setting up and dismantling chistmas trees, until i had to take the tree through the front door.
    all of the needles just sheared off in one massive fucking pile, and continued to fall off as i dragged it along the corridor. my neighbours were giving me dirty looks, i impaled myself on so many needles i was like a pincushion, and it took me three hours to vacuum every needle out of the corridor and apartment.
    we bought a fake christmas tree this year, and that bitch is going to last us another 20 years or so because i am NOT going through the horror of last year ever again.

  6. B

    You need to embrace the fake tree. And it might be fun one year if you get one of those little fake trees (I think they’re like, $5 each) for every family member, and then you all can decorate your own. A family of trees! Hey… that’s not a bad idea. Everyone carves their own pumpkin, right? Why not decorate your own tree?

  7. danelle

    I am going to make a mommy confession.
    I cook.
    I do crafts.
    And I don’t include my kids in any of it. I’ve never let me kids help me cook, it stresses me out. They are great cooks now that most of them are grown, but they didn’t learn it from helping me, I taught them when they were teenagers.
    My youngest is 7 now, and each night I do crosstitch and make beaded earrings and bracelets. And I spend every minute doing it ::after she goes to bed::
    I’m a great mom, but I don’t like a lot of kid inclusive stuff that most moms do.
    At least I don’t fart on them. (hah! Couldnt resist!!)

  8. Hed

    Man, I don’t have a clue. This is the first year that I’ve been able to have a tree in my adult life, and I have to say it’s kinda sad because all I have are lights. No ornaments. I bought some candy canes and attempted to make some cranberry and popcorn garlands, and that’s about all that’s on it. I’m so incredibly clueless, because, well, this is the first year I’ve had a tree. We thought it would be a good idea to get it for our daughter. But good god. I just don’t know what I’m doing.
    -H

  9. Kalani

    I’m a bad mom cause I HATE Christmas. Not just the tree but the whole thing. But your are a great mom so no worries about being an asshole mom sometimes. ;)
    ps. I’m a big time lurker and had to come out and tell ya I read you all the time and rarely ever comment but I appreciate all that you share and think you totally rock. :) And you’re freaking hilarious.

  10. Heatheranne

    I have a fake tree. I hate Christmas trees too because they take up too much room and make the livingroom look cluttered. Our tree isn’t even up yet. How’s that for a great mom?

  11. Heatherg

    I give your props for sitting the kids down and wanting to do holiday arts and crafts.
    What makes you a good mom is that you give a shit and you try.
    So what if you wanna scream when something gets spilled or broken, so does everyone else.
    I think you handled it well. Sometimes, moms just need a second to “get it together” and thats ok.
    No need to hang you up by your toes for that one.
    Now letting Tony pick out the tree by himself last year? That’s why we should be hanging you by your toes. lol
    Your gonna have so much fun this christmas with little Gabby. The boys are fun too, but not like the little ones……..

  12. Lizard Queen

    Well…What I’ve found myself doing, now that I have a 13 year old and a 3 year old (Not a good combination) is having the 13 year old sit down with the 3 year old and do craft stuff. While I take lots and lots of valium. j/k
    No one’s perfect and as Ms. Q said. They don’t exist, it’s just a myth to make us all feel inadequate.
    So I say…screw ‘em. I have a fake tree (need a new fake tree) and it looks like hell this year. It’s almost missing the middle part because of the branches breaking down. UGH!
    Ok, now where did I hide my bottle of vodka? I have a Christmas Choral concert to sit through.

  13. Katie

    “Perfect moms” don’t actually exist, they just fake certain parts. For example, I refuse to bake Christmas cookies. Or take a family Christmas picture. But I like sending Christmas cards and sewing Christmas dresses. I suppose just like everything else, it’s a pick and choose and let go what doesn’t make you happy. And get an artificial tree, real ones are too much work (buy some pine scented spray, hehe).

  14. daysgoby

    Oh, ARTIFICIAL. ALL THE WAY. I miss the smell, so we get pine branches and mess around with them on the bannister (where they fall off, or the cats try to eat them, or the kids decide they’d make great toys – the point is we try) but I do NOT miss the dragging out of the tree (GREAT story, marie b!) or the needles I would find every year until May.
    And you’re not a bad Mom. This year I had myself all psyched to do Christmas stuff galore with the four year old, ’cause he should be interested now, right? Right?!?!
    He strung three pieces of popcorn on the garland.
    And I’m still telling the in-laws how Cass helped decorate this year.

  15. Mamacita

    I’m certainly not a perfect mother, and I really don’t know any perfect mothers personally, but I’ve heard all about them from my kids! They knew lots of them, and none of them was me.
    I used to buy a lot of cheap white paper plates, washable markers, and pipe cleaners. No mess. No stains. Lots of goofy stuff to hang around the house. Pipe cleaners. That’s about as artistic as I ever get. I kinda miss that.

  16. Sara

    “as soon as Tony takes a dump” I’ll e-mail you back with my new blog address. I just haven’t quite decided on what I’m going to do yet. miss you.

  17. Jenny

    Girl, the holiday-loving mothers embrace the eggnog. They grab onto that brandy-laden punchbowl and they don’t let go until January.
    Or, um… maybe that’s just me.

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