Today’s title is a “sound effect” and it goes a little something like this “pffffffthfrmptfffffrrrrrtta”

I once had a friend who SWORE that she had never farted in front of her husband.
They had been married for 14 years at the time she told me that.
I told her that I thought she was lying. I mean, it’s a FART, for cryin’ out loud. It’s a natural bodily function. How in the HELL does on supress farts for 14 years STRAIGHT and not let one accidentally slip out?
She stuck to her story that her husband has never, EVER heard her rip one.
Whatever. I couldn’t even deal with a marriage where a “fart” is a big deal. I mean, last night? And this is a true story, people, TRUE STORY. Last night, Tony wanted to have Sessual Relations with me, and I was like “fine, but my stomach hurts and I’m pretty sure it’s gas”.
Do you think that stopped him? Of course it didn’t! And half way through The Deed, I could feel one coming on. Did I panic? No! I did not! Because, I can fart during sex and IT’S NOT A BIG DEAL. We laugh about it and then we “move on”.
I’ll admit, I think it’s DISGUSTING when my parents fart in front of each other. It was especially gross when we were all little because they acted like it was SO CUTE when one of them farted.
My mom would rip one and my dad would smile, SMILE! And say all flirty like “who farted? Did mommy fart?” and my mom would giggle like a little girl and I would throw up inside.
But, it’s not gross when me and Tony do it because we’re not all “Awww, how cute, you farted, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH” about it. We’re more like “Sick, you pig, that smelled like my grandpa’s fart, nasty” about it. Or sometimes, maybe we’re like “Good one, just like a machine gun!”
Some people (and by some people, I mean “my BOYS”) think I’ve taken this whole “farting is natural thing” too far because I’ve trained my daughter to “fart on command.” It seriously is the most awesome baby girl trick ever and I made sure to show it off at Thanksgiving. “Farted Gabby!” I said as the family watched. And my beautiful, precious, petite little girl stuck her butt out, pushed and grunted until her face turned red and tried to push one out. My boys were furious. “Mom! That’s not a good thing to teach a little girl! What happens when she goes to school and she thinks it’s funny to fart in class?” (Yeah, the same boys who make up jokes about hairy balls and sharting.) I suppose they have a point, but, again, it’s a fart, lighten up people!
I understand that some people are shy about bodily functions in front of strangers, or “the general public”, it’s not like I am a pig who will just fart anytime anywhere, I have manners, dammit! But I’m talking about being “free” in your own home. I mean, I can understand how a person would feel uncomfortable taking a leak while the door is open, (even though, I am not one of those people) and I supposed I can understand feeling slightly embarassed to fart in front of the man you have sex with. WHEN YOU FIRST MEET. But 15 years later? SERIOUSLY? (And? I suppose I can understand how some people might be SLIGHTLY MORTIFIED that I am writing an entire post about “farts.”)
And it doesn’t bother Tony either because I asked him, straight up last night. I said “Babe, does it bother you that I’m not very ‘feminine’ and that I fart freely in front of you?” and you know what he said?
“Not at all babe, it’s natural, I love you just how you are.”
And that’s how it should be, because I’ll be damned if I ever had to “hold one in” for a man.

30 thoughts on “Today’s title is a “sound effect” and it goes a little something like this “pffffffthfrmptfffffrrrrrtta”

  1. Hed

    I’m the world champion farter. Just this morning, my daughter told me so.
    And the farting during sex thing… that’s when you know it’s love. Because it happens. And when they are on top, squeezing it out of you, I figure it’s their fault, anyway!
    -H

  2. buzz

    Sweetheart, you know I love you to the ends of the earth, but we’ve talked about this before. No farting!! No way, no how! Sheesh! That’s icky! Although, if would let one rip every once in a while, I might look slimmer. Hey, I’m not fat, I’m just gassy! har!
    Love ya, doll!!

  3. becky

    let ‘em rip. you can’t help it – it’s natural and a part of being human in front of someone. i refuse to hold it in – gives me intestinal trouble if i do. so fart away!!!
    really, if they love you and accept you, why should they care? although sometimes, when he lets one rip that’s really ripe, i care. so do my nose hairs. :)
    this post is why i love you, y.

  4. Y

    Amanda! Seriously? Ok, does he fart in front of you? What are you scared of? I say “try it!” just once! You’ll see, it’s not that bad.
    If my story can change just one person…

  5. lynne

    My husband makes me feel inadequate as my farts are rarely loud (silent but deadly) he on the other hand loudly trumps in the day each morning tootling his own morning chorus ;)
    My dad used to lift his leg to fart which used to gross me out so much.

  6. Empress

    I think one slipped out once, for which I was mortified! We’ve been married for 14 1/2 years. There is no public farting in our house!!

  7. Fiona

    hahhahahaha lordy lord Y you just cracked me up with this one
    my mum’s first experience with a fart in front of her husband….about a year after they were married, she was at the sink washing up after dinner and he came up behind her and slid his arms around her waist….the combination of the waist squeeze and being startled pushed one out of her and his comment was….well, i guess the honeymoon is over !!!! after that they were comfortable in front of each other
    i’ve found it’s a real comfort indicator….when i can fart in front of who i’m with, all is well in the world….also it seems i’m something of a sleep-farter!!!
    and yes, there has to be humour….such as…good grief did something crawl up there and die??!!!

  8. Melissa

    I come from a family of open farters. (mostly the men – the women prefer burping) In fact, the first time my cousin met my best friend, he tried farting in her face. I. Was. Mortified. And they wonder why I never brought a guy around them?
    I, on the other hand, NEVER fart. Yeah, right. My husband informed me this morning that I let one go every time he came near me while I was sleeping last night. Sadly, that makes me proud…

  9. Crystal

    You know, I never willingly (one slipped out while I was peeing when I was 8 months preg, I almost died of embarassment when he called me on it) farted in the presence of my ex-husband (we lived together for 4 years), and it wasn’t until this summer that I farted in front of my husband. He was about to deploy (it was cancelled) and he was like “OK, it’s not natural, and I don’t want to go to Iraq and die and never have heard you fart.” (I swear to you , he really said that!!) It took a couple weeks to work up the courage to let one rip!! I don’t know what I thought would happen, maybe I’d burst into flames, but I finally did it. I lived, and got over myself. :D Aren’t you proud??

  10. caitlin

    Once, after a few months with my ex, he accidentally “let one slip”. It opened the smelliest, most gag-inducing floodgates I’ve ever experienced in my life. THE MAN HAD NO SHAME. He would let them rip in bed, in his stuffy room WITH NO VENTILATION, and laugh at me while I gagged. He would roll up the windows in his car and fart while I was SITTING NEXT TO HIM. It was awful. No matter how much I begged him not to do it in front of me, he never stopped. And all because of “one little slip”. I wouldn’t mind if it was just an occasional fart, but he WAS PURPOSELY PUSHING THEM OUT.
    My new boyfriend hasn’t done it yet…and thank god. I’m really not interested in going down that road again, even if it does mean stomach pains and trying to softly rip one in the bathroom for the rest of my life!

  11. Y

    Crystal, I’m SO proud.
    Caitlin, see, I’m not “down with that” smelly ass fart in your air space business. I mean, if you have to fart, FART! It’s ok! It happens, but my husband does that, he’ll rip a really horrifying one RIGHT NEXT TO ME and I get pissed because there was no reason he couldn’t have taken that one to the OTHER ROOM.

  12. chrissylas

    Holy Crap Y that post was awesome. Truly one to share with my fiance when he gets home from work. Speaking of, he has the worst gas I have ever seen. It’s not so much smelly as just loud. I always tell him it’s disgusting (generally through laughter) and tease him about it but he says it’s how he tells me he loves me. Loves me enough to just let it go if the need arises. *sigh* I love that man. Only 2 more weeks until our wedding and I can only imagine the freedom to “be himself” that will give him!

  13. NinaKaye

    Sometimes I wonder if our house will ever smell normal. haha Yesterday, my husband farted and then went to the store. When he came home he said “what’s that smell?” Your ass!!! That’s bad. He says that’s how he knows he’s getting old. I said he’ll be getting a tent to live in if that’s the case. hehe
    There’s not much that we don’t do in front of each other. I just don’t think you can live with (especially if you’re married to them) anyone for more than a few months and not share farts, pooping, peeing, vomiting, etc.
    Although, I refuse to do anything period-related with him in the bathroom. That’s just personal. hehe

  14. Zephra

    Great post. 2 years ago I went to New York with my best friend to stay with her dad for a week. He lives in a penthouse on 5th Ave. He is a distinguished opera singer and he will cut one anywhere, anytime. If it is good enough for a rich opera singer, then it is good enough for me.

  15. Mommygoth

    As someone who was once given the Indian name “Heather Functions-A-Lot” to refer to my copious belching and farting, I’m there with ya. A good fart is like a good glass of wine – makes you feel light inside!

  16. Michelle

    Thank you for such an awesome post, I needed the laugh today. Really, the whole farting and belching thing is good for a relationship, especially when you can turn it into a little friendly competition!

  17. FlippyO

    There was no public farting in my family growing up (and I have three older brothers) and there is no public farting in my home now. Hey, we have three bathrooms, with fans, so I figure I may as well use them. It’s enough that our big dogs (the little ones don’t usually) fart and smell up the house, no need for the people to add to it.
    I do, however, buy farting toys for my brothers. Pull My Finger Fred…my brother said it was the best gift he’s ever gotten in his life.

  18. Chickadee

    OMG…I laughed my ass off reading this one. I am shy about farting in front of my hubby, but I still do it when I need to…LOL.
    I’m not shy about burping in front of my hubby though…boy I can really let those rip!
    Oh and by the way, did you know that a person farts an average of 14 times a day??? Read this website. I laughed outloud when reading some of this.
    http://www.heptune.com/farts.html
    Let me know what you think of the website.

  19. girl

    hell, my husband and I have been farting in front of each other nearly the entire time we’ve been together (4 years). ain’t no shame in this house.

  20. mary

    i’m new on here – you are a brilliant writer and this was hilarious! i have one question, tho’ – why do men think it’s necessary to flap the bed covers when they fart in bed? ….gag! …. it just makes it SO MUCH WORSE!

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