Um

In our house, it’s always been the rule to refer to the Penis as The Penis.
Not as The Weenis. Nor as The Pee Pee. Nor as The Weiner.
Penis.
No cutsey, baby names allowed.
I remember one time when Andrew was about 2, he went for a ride on his little electric tractor with my little brother. Andrew was riding in the back, holding on to my brother’s waist. As they raced by, we all heard Andrew shout, “Uncle Tim, scoot up, your squishing my penis.”
My mom looked at me all horrified and said “I’m sorry, Y, but there’s something creepy about a child that little saying PENIS.”
I just rolled my eyes, because, UM, THAT’S WHAT IT IS. A PENIS. Would it really be better if he said “Weiner?”
Momma, please.
I’ll never forget the first time he asked about MY penis.
I informed him that girls don’t have a penis, but rather, a vagina.
Oh, how he laughed and laughed. He thought vagina was the funniest word he’d ever heard.
Later that night, I was taking a leak when I heard giggling outside of the bathroom door.
“Andrew, what are you doing?” I asked from behind the locked door.
He continued to giggle and blurted out “I hear you going pee out of your china.”
I seriously was going to make a point with this post, but now I can’t stop thinking about “My China” and I forgot where I was going with this.
Ha! Ha! Ha! “My china”

*****

Do you remember when I told you that my daughter was “part beaver”?
And I showed you clear and convincing evidence to back that claim up?
Well, The Beaver is OUT OF CONTROL, people.

I have no idea that I hadn’t noticed until YESTERDAY how bad her wood eating habit had become. I pointed to it last night and said “What did you do?!” and, as Tony is my witness, she walked over, put her mouth on it and STARTED TO BITE IT.
And people wonder why I REFUSE to buy expensive furniture with young kids in the house.
I’m not going to lie, I’m upset about it, because I can’t have anything nice. My kids always end up ruining it somehow, whether it be with a permenant marker, a knife or THEIR TEETH. But, I’m trying to have a sense of humor about it and saying things like “It’s JUST FURNITURE.” or “That’s what babies do!”
Right, because ALL babies eat wood!
In closing, I have no idea how this post went from “Penis to Beaver” but hey, at least I bring up The Tuna. (And trust me, I have a Tuna story to tell. Another day, people, another day.)

36 thoughts on “Um

  1. jo-fo

    You know, teething children aside, I think there’s something about those particular cribs in which the wood is more easily gnawed off. My son has the same exact crib, and I swear it looks like we have termites on the inner rail.

  2. Michelle

    Hey, I just had an idea… maybe you could get some of that bitter stuff they sell that makes you stop biting your nails and put it on the furniture. Maybe you better buy a case, though. lol (I only laugh because my brother ate his baby bed, just reminded me. heh)

  3. Gina

    She sure is a cutie!
    My son did the same thing. He has one of those “bed for life” beds, now it’s a double and the footboard/headboard were his crib side railings and they are all chewed up. I love it. It’s such a neat memory. :)

  4. Mary

    I know how you feel.
    Every room in my house has marker, sticky splatters, torn up stuff.
    Our living room sofa is SO freaking nasty and torn up that I wouldn’t dare donate it to the poorest of the poor!
    But omigosh how can I buy a new one if the kids will ruin in in a year?
    I have to tolerate the comments from my darling husband about what “my kids” do.
    sigh
    I almost bought a set of furniture from a lady at a moving sale for 150 bucks….Broyhill, in perfect condition.
    But all I could see is doritos stuffed in the cushions and marker marks all over it. :)

  5. Mary

    oh yeah,,,,i think they sell guards to put on the crib. Poor baby is teething!
    I used to get a catalog that had those crib guards in them.
    Do a search…..

  6. FlippyO

    My dogs do the same thing. Often very discreetly, so I don’t notice until there are chunks out of something. And only like once every year or two. It’s weird. Anyway, Bitter Apple (comes in a spray or cream) works for the dogs, maybe it would work for your, uh, beaver.

  7. PoeticaL

    I read…I laugh…I cry….for some reason I’m mostly silent here. But this….this ….I must say something.
    Your daughter reminds me of the little girl in the Lemony Snicket series that likes to bite everything she can. She’s a cute baby in the movie version.
    But Baby G is amazingly beautiful, you’re right to hug and kiss her like a fiend. Especially for those of us that can’t.

  8. ayesha97

    I mean this in the niecest way…. strted the post and saw “PENIS” then I happened to glance down at the photo of Gabby, and I couldn’t help but see the red markings as a…. PENIS! and thought that the rest of the post was about her saying PENIS or something equally as silly, esp when I saw you referred to her as a BEAVER.
    Sorry, having a 12 year old moment. It was way funny in my head.

  9. Rachel

    My son did the same thing . . . for years. Wasn’t just teething. He chewed his crib; chewed the bed that he moved to after the crib (which just happened to be my grandmother’s old bed!) and chewed on a new bunk bed that we got him for his 7th birthday. I felt the same way you did–I can’t ever have anything nice!

  10. Finy

    I used to do the same thing when I was a kid! Except it wasn’t my crib it was the coffee table. I literally would sit there and just chew on the damn thing, even before I had teeth! That same coffee table now resides in my apartment some 25 years later, and I love it so much, that I know that it’s all effed up because I was chewing on it, that I can’t bring myself to refinish it.

  11. Veronika

    I agree about using the correct terms! It wasn’t until I was a teenager in sex ed that I learned that I have a vagina instead of a ‘poohey’ as we called it!
    About the furniture, I’m always bitching about my furniture getting ruined because of my kids, but years from now, all of the marks are going to bring back wonderful memories! (ya, right)

  12. Mellissa

    My brother and his wife just passed their crib on to me, and it has teeth marks and chunks taken out too :o)
    My 3yo nephew recently asked where his sister’s penis was. “She doesn’t have a penis,” his mother told him. “She is a girl, and girls have vaginas.”
    “Oh,” my nephew replied. “Vaginapenis.”

  13. Jen

    Speaking of penises, my son (who is 6) has a disposable camera to take pictures whenever he wants. I picked up his latest “masterpieces” today and guess what, HE TOOK ONE OF HIS PENIS! I am laughing now but at the time I could have killed him. I’m actually surprised Wal-mart developed that picture though. I guess that wherever they send their pictures off to be developed, those people don’t look at them. That worries me.

  14. Jen

    Oh, and I love how the chew marks are growing with Gabby (I looked at the convincing evidence picture). She is so adorable!
    My China. I’m dying laughing!

  15. Sean

    I hate the word penis. It sounds like the word a prudish person would use while being unable to hide the disgust on his/her face. It’s a cock, it’s a dick, it’s a pecker, it’s a tool, it’s a…… on and on. It’s just too clinical and sanitary. Same thing for vagina:
    “The male inserts his penis into the female’s vagina until ejaculation is achieved……”
    Ugh. How dispassionate. That’s what I always think about when I hear the word “penis.” Some worn out junior high school film circa 1962 about sex that gives a clinical, emotionless, sanitized description of sex.
    I know Yvonne is hardly a prude, but at the same time I feel that “penis” and “vagina” have been foisted on the American people by the politically correct leftwing academics in the name of reducing male dominance in our evil patriarchal society. In other words, the use of the words “penis” and “vagina” are part of a political agenda.
    Language is used to frame debates. This includes terms such as “pro-choice” versus “pro-abortion” or “anti-choice” versus “pro-life.”
    I could go on, but I think you see where I’m going. The bottom line is that a group of people decided a long time ago that it was preferable to use the word “penis” and “vagina” for ideological reasons.
    BTW, it’s still a pussy to men. We DO NOT call it a vagina.

  16. Jen

    So let me make sure I understand you Sean, when my son asks me questions, I should call it a cock or a pecker? I’m sorry, I don’t want my 6 year old walking around saying cock. Now, if I’m talking to my husband or another adult I’ll refer to it as a dick, but no way in hell do my children need to learn the slang terms for it at such a young age.

  17. FlippyO

    Also, Sean, pro-choice doesn’t mean pro-abortion. Pro-choice means, uh, pro-choice. I’m not in favor of abortion, but I am in favor of women deciding what they need to do with their own bodies. If I got pregnant, I wouldn’t choose an abortion, but that’s the deal, it’s MY body, so I choose.
    As for the proper words for body parts being part of a political agenda? Seriously? You can’t possibly be. That’s laughable. That’s like saying schnoz instead of nose is done because of ideological reasons. Funny bone, instead of elbow. Noggin, instead of head.
    So, how do right-wing academics teach their biology students? When right-wing people go to the doctor, do they tell them that their pecker has a sore on it? That they need an exam for their pussy???

  18. Mellissa

    Sean, if I had a son, I’d feel rather uncomfortable referring to his penis as a COCK when that’s the same word I use with my husband when in the throes of passion.

  19. Sean

    Flippy it’s clear you have no idea about leftwing feminism and politically correct speech or else you wouldn’t be so surprised that words have a political agenda.
    Are YOU serious? You can’t possibly be.
    Bottom line: Do you women want your boys to grow up to men or squeamish momma’s boys who squat when they pee?
    If your boy wants to call it something other than the clinical name then there will come a time when you have to shrug and say okay. Men are crude. We scratch our balls (not our testicles) and make adjustments when our dick gets in a bind.
    Now no doubt Flippy will ask me something ridiculous and accuse me of being some wife beating neanderthal, but all I’m trying to do is caution you ladies. Those boys will be men someday and you can try to either mold them into some purse carrying metrosexual or you can let their father teach them how to be men.

  20. FlippyO

    Yeah, you make a boy a man by having him say, “cock” when he’s little. None of that being a good person stuff counts, it’s all about the language he uses for his penis. Yes, ladies, please be aware of this very important issue. Your sons’ futures are at stake.
    Okay, sorry Y, I’m done. :)

  21. Sean

    Yep, I knew Flippy would say something sarcastic to deflect from that fact that language does have political derivations and meanings. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if politically correct speech wasn’t part of our culture and then at least Flippy could be right about something?

  22. mikey

    The bottom line is that a group of people decided a long time ago that it was preferable to use the word “penis” and “vagina” for ideological reasons.
    Or, maybe they just preferred the accepted anatomical terms for those parts, rather than using slang. Or maybe they were just practicing “tact,” as some people prefer not to use slang terms in certain situations.
    But that doesn’t matter, now does it? So, ladies… no more trips to the gynecologist… from now on, you go to the Twat Doctor! That’s right, because as Sean said as he spoke for all men, “We DO NOT call it a vagina.
    So, Sean. Tell us. What other words shouldn’t boys use? Cute? Pink? Sweet? And I suppose all boys should love NASCAR and football?
    Hey, since we’re doing away with the technical terms, can we call all girls/women/ladies “broads”? Do you think that’d go over well?
    Personally? I think a “man” would be, um, “manly” enough to use whatever words he wants to.

  23. Sean

    Mikey
    How about men being men? (Applause for Mikey…. squating to pee……Yeah……woohoo…..yeah man….you go girl….er, man, er whatever you are….woohooo……)
    Flippy applauds you girly man, Mikey. You’ve received your expected PC accolades.
    Mikey. Boys need their fathers. Period. They don’t need their mothers trying to pretend they know how to be men. Shut up and let fathers raise their boys.

  24. Sean

    When the subject becomes “rules” it matters.
    I love you Yvonne. You know this. I think you are a delightful human being. I’ve sent you emails. I remember what i’ve sent you.
    But when Flippy and Mikey start trying to describe the ultimate Politically Correct Experience then I have to submit a post. Your husband matters Yvonne. His views matter. He’s a man and what he thinks matters. I’m sorry to your leftwing readers, but, by God, Tony is the father to those children and what he thinks means a damn.
    Somebody tell Mikey and Flippy that your children need a father AND a mother.
    I love you Yvonne and I meant everything I ever sent to you.
    Take care sweetheart. You can write to me anytime.

  25. Y

    Sean,
    your posts really piss me off.
    First of all, I don’t appreciate you politicising a post I wrote about my children that had absolutely NOTHING to do with politics. It was uncalled for and as hard as I try, I can’t even understand where you’re coming from in doing that.
    Second? Did you know you just insulted my husband? Because GUESS WHAT? My husband and I agreed on that TOGETHER. What the hell? So, where do you get off saying things like “Boys need their fathers. Period. They don’t need their mothers trying to pretend they know how to be men. Shut up and let fathers raise their boys. and “ but, by God, Tony is the father to those children and what he thinks means a damn.“???
    Why did you automatically ASSUME that I made that decision alone? I don’t get it.
    Tony has taught them to call it a penis. SO, you’re saying my man “squats when he pees” and that he’s a “girly man” because he taught my son the clinical names for their body parts? Is that a “republican” thing? To insult a woman’s husband like that?
    We (notice I said W-E) didn’t want our sons walking around saying “pee pee and weiner or weenie” That isn’t a political issue to us or to most people I know.
    Enough already.

  26. Gary Mestad

    It is amazing how people look at their gonads. They are closer related than people think. When we are in our mother’s womb, we all start out as females; until a certain time when the gonads either come down or stay as they are. If they stay, you become a female, if they come down, you become a male and have a penis and balls. The labia of a female, the outside part of the vagina is related to the skin of the scrotum that carries the testicles in males. The clitoris in a female is really a small penis that males have that didn’t grow. Am I wrong on all of this?

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