The one in which I eventually say “Dickhead”.

I’ve been extremely open and honest about my struggle with The Fat.
In doing so, I’ve recieved a tremendous amount of support. I feel like I have my own cheerleading team, rooting me on every step of the way. And when I fail, or hit a bump in the road, people here “pick me up” and help me find my way again. It’s been an awesome experience.
But, with the good, there’s been some bad. Some very VERY bad. People have said cruel, horrificly mean things to me.
Things like “your husband just wanted to get laid, why else would he say you are beautiful? your stretchmarks are hideous”.
And “Go on a freakin diet already and quit bithin about it. I am a lurker. You have done nothing to control the problem. DO somethin and if it doesn’t work, then gripe. Geez Louise Otherwise Just accept it. Quit tryin to get attention about it. It’s your choice. BE FAT or NOT BE FAT. Everyone has a little control of their own destiny.”
And then there was the time someone left a comment on Flickr about my 11 month old daughter that say “She’s going to grow up to have a fat ass just like her mother.”
There are quite a few more that I have saved in my “inbox”, and not all of them are as “nice”. I save all of them because they give me fuel. Fuel to lose this damn weight. Fuel to give a big ol’ “Fuck you” to the mean and nasty people who hate me because of the size of my ass.
However, there are days where I read those things, where I read other things that people say about fat people and I cry like a BIG FAT BABY.
And I ask myself “Don’t people realise WHY I call myself a HIPPO?? Don’t they understand it has absolutely nothing to do with “how I feel about fat people in general” and EVERYTHING to do with me wanting to “beat people to the punch.”
See, if I say I’m a big fat hippo, then what can the mean, cruel people say to me that can hurt me? I BEAT THEM TO IT! I hurt me first and so, when they send me emails, or leave me comments trying to insult or injure me, I can point and say “Ha! That didn’t hurt! I already KNOW I’m a disgusting, fat, ugly, repulsive HIPPO! SO TAKE THAT, ASSHOLE!”
Even though the truth is that deep down inside? It does hurt knowing that people hate me, or that I disgust people, or that people think I’m nothing more than a lazy pig, or that when I walk in front of people, they shake their heads in disgust and wish they could tell me to “put down the chips and hit the gym, you fat pig!”
Even after losing a big chunk of weight and a few dress sizes, I know that there are people out there who still view me as all of the horrible things I just said. And that makes me sad. Not just for myself, but for the millions of other women just like me. Incredibly beautiful, amazing, kind, funny, selfless, strong women with so many things to offer the world are viewed as nothing more than “The Fat Girl” by a great deal of people.
I don’t even know where I’m going with this anymore.
A hundred thoughts are swirling through my head right now. When I read the thread about Liv Tyler and all of the horribly mean, cruel things people were saying about her BASED ON HER WEIGHT, I broke down. And yes, I broke down because I’M FAT and? Because I have to make everything about ME.
I already know people are going to take this post out of context, tell me to quit bitching, tell me to quit looking for approval on the internet, tell me that “I’m not fat!”, tell me to love myself no matter what, tell me “who cares what other people think!”, tell me “I thought you didn’t CARE what people think about you!” and so on and so forth.
Fine. Whatever. So be it.
This is such a complex, emotional, frustrating issue for me and sometimes, the best way for me to deal is to write it, to blabber on and on about it, to cry about it, to get pissed about it, to feel sorry for myself about it, but ultimately, to DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
Unfortunately, there’s nothing I can do about the Dickheads who judge people solely on how fat/thin they are and whether or not “they’d hit it”.

34 thoughts on “The one in which I eventually say “Dickhead”.

  1. Dania

    I’m not here to judge you Y, and either should anyone else. This is *your* blog and you should be able to say whatever the hell you want.
    I too get my share of “nasty” emails, people have too much time on their hands and are obviously lacking some intelligence. Until ONE of them walks in my shoes, no one has the right to judge me, you or anyone else for that matter.
    Losing weight fucking sucks, believe me if anyone should know it’s me. I applaud anyone who can do it on their own because I sure the hell couldn’t..I practically killed myself in the process.
    I needed a “tool” to help me do it. It pisses me off that I had to have a life altering surgery, but hey when a doctor says to you “You may not live to your 40″ you need to put your life into perspective. I got both negative and positive out put from people. I never once said on my blog though I was getting it done until the past few months because of all the dickheads that would come out of the woodwork saying what an idiot I was and i’m “cheating”…uh huh…this has been a walk in the park folks…not.
    I think you’re doing a great job…as much as we’d like it to, the weight doesn’t fall off overnight…and we all fall off the “bandwagon” once in awhile…you need to get back up on that mo-fo and do the best that you can. Remember you have great kids, and a great husband, and they love you unconditionally :) Most of all love yourself Y…I know it’s hard, but you have a big heart and you know it :)

  2. Jenn R.

    It’s YOUR blog and you can bitch if you want to. People who leave mean, nasty messages just like to stir shit up. *hugs*

  3. Unfortunate Serendipity

    You don’t know me from Adam – – but I am definitely one of your supporters/lurkers. You’re an inspiration to me – and I love coming to visit your site for a dose of giggles (teeth of the debil) or to commiserate with someone who is also struggling with their weight loss journey.
    Those who make hideous comments only do it to assuage their own shortcomings….and while you cannot stop them from thinking a certain way – – – you have definitely taken the power out of their words when you use them to further your determination…..they play right into your hands and your plan.
    One of these days…..I hope you come face to face with one of them….so the hot Latina momma can tell one of the ‘Dickheads’ to kiss her hot little ass!

  4. coodence

    Hi Y
    i think you’re great. your blog is hilarious and somedays (like today) a little sad. in any case, its real. and i dig it.
    and liv tyler is my neighbor and i love her. and i get sad and cry when people say mean things about her, too.
    thats all. take it easy, sister!
    cb

  5. txmommy

    I can’t believe people actually leave you messages like that; didn’t their mommas teach them not to say anything if they don’t have anything nice to say? I recently found your blog and it almost always makes me laugh-but sometimes the cheese, it makes me sniffle! Why can’t those pooterheads just click on by if they don’t like what you’re saying? Stay strong.

  6. Nopoodle

    I too am a lurker, and am finally prompted to speak out.
    I, too, have gained weight since my wedding day, that doesn’t seem to ever have any plans of moving out. I bitch and moan about it too, and call attention to it before others can as well. I’d rather take all the fire out of them before they can blast it at me.
    I totally understand where you’re coming from. And I know how damned hard it is. Ignore the dickheads.

  7. BillH

    Ya know, Y, it takes more than a hot bod to keep someone interested in a good relationship. Geez, look at all the attractive movie stars and models who can’t seem to keep a boyfriend/husband. That’s because no matter how neanderthal us men are, we realize there’s got to be more to a great relationship than a hot bod and sex. Yeah, we look at the hot bods, (myself very much included in that crowd) but we go home to someone else. As I get older and more mature, I learn that the women I find attractive have more than just a hot bod. I find that I appreciate my wife more (and I’m attracted to her more) not because she is any better looking, even though I’ve thought she has looked good for the 27 years we’ve been married, but because of her personality and her intellect. From your descriptions in the past, I’d say your hustband has similar thoughts.

  8. jamie

    Just a lurker….DELEATE those stupid cruel emails no one needs that kind of motivation….You look fabulous ! you love your kids, have a beautiful family…who cares about the size of your a$$…besides looks like you have/are losing weight ! (moms are supposed to be squishy..hehehe) Also,turning what rhyms w/ “dirty whore” sucks ‘what they said about metobolism is true after 30yo lol..and it ain’t gonna get any easier….so keep on working at it..we’ll all get there someday. Its so tough though, its going to be an every damn day struggle till forever…
    -Comiserating in So.Cal with ya…
    (excuse the horrific spelling pls..)

  9. jorie

    I have been reading this post for about a month now, and I am not a mom, but I work with children as a nanny. At the end of a long day, I actually GIGGLE at your posts. Farting Uno…I have to try that sometime.
    Don’t let anyone else take away your spunk! You had three children, you don’t have someone making your meals, cleaning your house, or watching your kids so you can follow some ridiculous un-human work out routine. The most important thing is to BE HEALTHY (and happy).
    And to the Dickheads that feel like making comments on your children…GROW UP!

  10. toshya

    Honestly, fuck those people. They’re idiots. You’re beautiful… people are beautiful in all sizes. You have a loving family and my guess is that the people who leave messages like that are very, very lonely. Therefore, YOU WIN everytime.

  11. Rae

    It’s been said, but I feel the need to reinforce it cuz I too have waged a never-ending battle with The Fat: you’re beautiful, Yvonne. Inside, outside, all around (ahem, pun not intended), and you have nothing to be ashamed about, only to be proud of. You’re a wonderful Mother and Wife and good woman. Fuck those who cannot understand the battle we fight every day of our lives because we were born with a vagina and a raging estrogen level. Fuck those who put other people down because they cannot possibly understand the fear and rage and depression and hopelessness that comes from WANTING to be thinner and needing to be healthier but whose own personal Mother Nature doesn’t seem to want to get off Her posterieur and help out a little. Okay, enough rambling, back to the original thought: you’re beautiful! *hugs*

  12. Sarcastic Journalist

    I know it hurts you, even though you usually don’t admit it. Being called names, and we’ve discussed this before, SUCKS. It HURTS.
    That’s why I don’t like it when you call yourself names like that. You have to learn to love and appreciate yourself. Why? Other people can change their minds.
    I’ve told you about some of the recent “adjustments” I’ve made regarding the Internet. Honestly? I’m a hella lot more bored, but I feel better about myself. You know what I’m saying, I know you do.
    Do not leave those comments up and delete those emails. That is negative reinforcement. You don’t need that nastiness in your life. If someone came and killed your dog, would you leave it in your living room so you could remind yourself every day that someone killed your dog?
    NO.

  13. Tammy/averagemom

    Y, I think you are doing the healthiest thing for yourself. You talk it all out, you don’t hold back, and you give the rest of us hope. I personally would not want to read the nasty comments again, but if it works for you, do it. If the humour works for you, do it!! Personally, your photos are keeping me going. I look and say “Okay, I look like that one right now. In a few months, maybe I will look as good as THIS one.” And I keep on working at it. Thank you for your help!!

  14. mart

    I have to comment, don’t listen to nasty people commenting, they are pranksters, flammers. Their only intention is to get a rise out you. They are bored, people who are unhappy. You are healthy and yoru children are beautiful Scew those people who care if you are size 5 or 16…
    Don’t ever let them get to you, remember they are just tyring to piss you off…
    You Go Girl, You look fine, your a mama not a teenage.

  15. reese

    first, I know with an issue as difficult and emotionally loaded as weight, it’s hard to think logically. i try to talk to myself logically about it all the time (like, “hi, your ass doesn’t define you, reese”) but let’s face it…we still beat ourselves up.
    however, here comes my logical hat. i have to seriously wonder about 1. the people who leave you nasty comments and 2. the personalities of some of the guys who left comments on the sites you linked. let’s go over #1, first.
    how are the nasty comments serving the people? I am seriously puzzled. if these comments are coming from skinny people, clearly there are things in their lives making them supremely unhappy. happy people don;t cut others down. i mean yeah, some things in my life make me unhappy, but I don’t need to push a girl down to feel happier. the people who write that crap to you have SERIOUS issues in their own lives. perhaps their asses are small and their tits are perky, but something’s not right upstairs, and I’m thankful I’m not messed up like that. You aren’t, either! :)
    As for the people in #2 (which include some women, too, I think) it goes back a bit to #1. really there are major self esteem issues going on here. What the hell purpose does it serve a guy to criticize liv tyler? is he the kind of person you’d want to date? I PITY the women dating these men (although they are probably equally stupid). If that’s the kind of crap that comes out of them, can you imagine how negative and condescending they must be about the world in general? I would never want to be with a guy who values his version of “beauty” that much above all else. Nothing is wrong with a man finding particular things attractive but cutting down someone as pretty and happy as Liv Tyler indicates some major personality issues.
    Bottom line: the people cutting others down aren’t happy people. And as much as you struggle through weight issues and other things, you have this lovely life…your personality is so appealing. I’d MUCH rather sit down and talk with you for hours on end than listen to any of those bozoos for 5 minutes. Fuck them. Pity them. They are missing out on so much happiness and peace and wonderful things. The life you live is infinitely more good and fulfilling than theirs.

  16. Aims

    Y, you are gorgeous, and shrinking, and I think you’re progress pictures are awesome. I can see how the cruel things people say can be used as fuel to your F-U fire, but in the big scheme of things, it truly only matters how you feel when you look in the mirror, and what your hubby and kids think. And it’s obvious how much they love you, no matter what. Not everyone sees a big bottom and thinks awful thoughts about you. I’ve touched on this topic myself (body image and me) in my writing. It’s a tough battle of the mind, body and spirit. But? Gyrrrrrrrrl….YOU ARE WINNING! Not just the battle, but the war too! Screw the losers who have nothing better to do than pass judgment on others – they obviously haven’t looked in the mirror for a very long time.
    peace…

  17. Amber

    It doesn’t matter how much weight you lose Y. People like that are going to “hate” no matter what you do. If its not the weight, it will be your hair or the way you dress, the way you blog…. etc. They will find another way of putting you down to make themselves feel better, see? I think a lot of it has to do with them feeling jealous. I mean look you have a wonderful beautiful family, you have a husband that loves you, you are beautiful and funny. That is probably a lot more than they have.
    Delete those and keep looking at all the comments from the caring and loving people who can see all the good things and be happy for you.

  18. Mamacita

    You are a beautiful sensual loving woman, with a husband and three kids who are all crazy about you.
    If Dickhead comes back, tell him that not only does he have a tiny little penis, but it seems to match his tiny little brain. As for his balls, he doesn’t have any.
    Hey. I’m old but I can still fight for someone I love!
    If he comes back, post his blog/email and let us take care of him for you!

  19. becky

    Delurking to say
    FUCK THEM.
    Seriously. These morons have nothing better to do than to write barely legible emails? My GOD, how stupid. THAT is low self esteem, THAT is sad, THAT sweetheart is pathetic.
    Stay strong hun, don’t let the assholes win, not even for a minute.
    And also? I love the blog babes. :)

  20. Nicole

    You will make it to your goal soon!
    I honestly think that all people that no matter what they look like are never happy and someone always has something negtive to say. Lady who is a size 0? Way too skinny and needs to eat more, someone who is a size 20, they need to lose weight (what people say not me!).
    I am so much like you! I will pick on myself before anyone has a chance to do it. Not even about weight just anything. I think that it comes down to how YOU feel about YOURSELF. Not what anyone else thinks. If you feel great and are happy at a size 14 – that’s awesome. But other people won’t see it that way.
    Does that make sense? I am not coming down on anyone but my point is that you need to be happy with yourself – not what other people think.
    You are looking great! Keep up the great work!

  21. Louise

    Everytime I read your “fat” posts, I cry. Not because I pity you, or anything like that– just because I know how you’re feeling. I haven’t had people leave such disgusting comments on my blog (I get a few about being bald, but whatever), but I have had them say it in real life. It hurts, and you have to wonder if it makes them feel like a better person to hurt someone else’s feelings and make them feel less worth as a human being.
    I totally understand the “insulting-yourself-to-beat-people-to-it” thing. I think everyone’s done it. Just… I don’t know. I worry. I worry that you’ll actually BELIEVE the things you’re saying about yourself. I worry that your kids will see/hear you being so negative about yourself and then start thinking it’s okay to be down on THEMSELVES . Wouldn’t it just KILL you to hear Gabby saying she was a hippo?
    As for the people leaving comments… I agree with what SJ said. You can get one thousand positive comments and never believe them. One negative one, and you feel like shit for the rest of the day. What’s the use of keeping that around?

  22. FlippyO

    People who write emails like that deserve to have their email addresses posted. You know, like stores sometimes post pictures of people who write bad checks.

  23. laura

    I kind of have this theory about people who make fun of fat people. Back in the day, if you were heavier, it was a sign of wealth and you were to be admired and envied. Today, if you are heavier, it is a sign of being poor. These days, people with more money can easily afford the higher priced, healthier foods. They can afford the gym membership. They can afford the babysitter to watch the kids while they utilize said gym membership. So, imo, it goes beyond “Haha look at fatty mcfat fat” and it’s more of a social/class issue.
    We, as humans, are just completely vile to one another at times. Is it any wonder Nicole Richie now looks like a 12 year old boy? She was derided in the media as Paris’ Fatass Party Buddy all the time. And now all we hear about it how gross she looks because she’s so skinny.
    I guess none of that really had any bearing on your situation. I am just speaking as someone who is as consumed by being overweight as you are. It is always ALWAYS at the forefront of my mind. When I go out to a restaurant, I immediately check out the booth and wonder if it will be a tight fit. When I fly, I always hope that I’m not sitting next to some jerk who thinks I take up too much space, even though I fit comfortably into the seat.
    I usually assume that skinny people who taunt the overweight are either a) very very ugly and hgave nothing else going for them other than being skinny b) have a fat person in their family who they’re ashamed of. Fuck them. Seriously.

  24. Mary

    First off, you are not fat. You are gorgeous. Screw all the trolls.
    You hear that trolls????
    SCREW YOU.
    If you were so freaking great you wouldn’t be a TROLL WHO LURKS.
    Idiots.
    Anyway, I was thinking about it the other day…..Picking on fat people is the last socially acceptable bias.
    Think about it, even fat people joke other fat people.
    I am fat and i find myself doing it.
    My kids joke fat people and then tell me that I am not fat when I make a face at them.
    I see how people look at me or rather DON’T look at me because of my weight.
    Men don’t look at me like they look at other women.
    When you are fat you really don’t try to look good because deep down you figure there is no point in it.
    It’s sad but then you feel mad at yourself because like you said, it is something you could change if you chose to.

  25. Mellissa

    Whenever my husband happens to come upon me looking at your pictures, he always says the same thing about you – “I’d do her.” He doesn’t bestow that kind of compliment on just anyone!

  26. Colleen

    OMG…I can’t believe how CRUEL people can be. Just know that those assholes are insecure and unhappy and they just want to make someone else miserable too. You’re not afraid to talk about your feelings and experiences and that makes other people uncomfortable and instead of just ignoring your blog, they lash out.
    You’re the better person for embracing your life, your struggles, your feelings.

  27. anne

    Yvonne –
    I don’t comment very often, but I do read regularly. I wanted to second SarcasticJournalist in saying to *get rid* of the negative comments and emails – especially the emails, as they represent people ugly enough to take ugliness and disrespect to a more personal level. While anger might be a good temporary motivator at times, eventually it’s something that will eat you alive. I speak from personal experience.
    You are too lovely a person to keep garbage like that around.
    You look fantastic, by the way.
    take care,
    anne

  28. Magnolia

    Girl, you are beautiful, and you’re doing fabulous and I don’t care if you need validation off of the internet because you know what? Loosing weight is hard and it sucks and god knows we could use all the support we can get.
    Someone said something very shitty like that in Cecily’s blog and I lost my -shit- on them. I went apeshit with some very clever comebacks but afterwards I knew in my heart it was just because the fat card had been played. I can’t stand it when the fat card gets played.
    Anyways you keep on being a inspiration. I’m getting my courage up to follow your steps. So keep that in mind when someone says something negative to you, that there are other people out here who look at you as a goal to achieve.
    And if any of you assholes are lurking? go fuck yourselfs. Better yet go to your momma and ask her politely to wash your mouth out with soap, because it’s really fucking obvious you haven’t grown up yet.

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