And… AND? If I hear one more skinny girl complain about “how fat she is and like, omg, how her size 5 jeans are like so tight on her” someone is going to get sliced in half.


I’ve added yet another photo to the The Shrinking Woman set on Flickr.
I should shutup about my weight already, but it’s such a huge part of my life and what I’m dealing with right now, that I can’t. Having this public forum to write about it, to post pictures of it and yes, to get encouragement and feedback about it has been insturmental in keeping me from giving up.
And trust me, I want to give up. Especially after last night.
Last night, I was “re-measured” at the gym and it wasn’t good. She took away the three and a half inches I was originally told I lost, because it was only showing as 3 inches and then, she decided that she was only going to give me ONE INCH. She says I have a “natural curve” (see :”spare tire“) and it’s hard to get an accurate measurement. Talk about a let down. And talk about wanting to say “fuck it all to hell I’m eating a cinnabon and refuse to spend another fucking minute at the stupid, worthless gym!”
In the past? When I was “skinny” and when I would lose lots of weight in short amounts of time? I would do it the unhealthy way. I’d take buttloads of diet pills. I’d starve myself. I’d take boxes of laxatives. I’d do whatever it took to get skinny.
I don’t want to do that this time because I don’t want to die at 40. I want to be thin and attractive, but, at the same time, I don’t want to die or get sick trying to achieve that goal.
However, after a year of trying, I’m getting pissed off to the point of wanting to just stop. I’m crying as I type this, that’s how pissed off I am. I look at the pictures and I know that it definitely is coming off, but IT’S TAKING SO DAMN LONG AND I DON’T THINK I CAN KEEP DOING THIS ANYMORE.
I won’t give up. I refuse to give up, but I WANT TO. I’m sick of being the fat girl. I’m sick of being ashamed. I’m sick of my thighs rub together. I’m sick of a roll of fat jiggling up and down when I walk. I’m sick of telling my husband “HELL NO I won’t take a shower with you because I’m so embarrassed and so ugly and I’ll cry the whole time because of how ugly my body is and HOW DO YOU NOT THROW UP WHEN YOU LOOK AT ME?”
And? I’m sick of working my ass off and seeing such SLOW results.
I’m pissed off today and not feeling very positive about this whole weight loss journey.

29 thoughts on “And… AND? If I hear one more skinny girl complain about “how fat she is and like, omg, how her size 5 jeans are like so tight on her” someone is going to get sliced in half.

  1. Jessica

    Y, I think you are looking GREAT! There is such a difference in those pictures alone! For sure don’t give up, you have come a long way!

  2. gc

    I totally understand where you are coming from. It is definitely frustrating to lose weight the right way especially since the right way is the slow way. And if you have so much weight to lose, it seems like it’ll take forever. Maybe you can give yourself reasonable mini-goals to aim for on the way to that BIG one, ya know?

  3. Sarah

    your arms look a lot smaller in that second pic. the woman at your gym is measuring the wrong parts of your body.

  4. Sarcastic Journalist

    Haven’t looked at the pics yet. You have two choices: GIve up and stay unhappy and gain the weight back.
    Keep going, get healthy and feel better!
    I vote for the second one! You CAN do it. Look at those pics. How much weight have you lost???

  5. Mister Bachelor

    In the days before I became Mister Bachelor I weighed 325 pounds. It took a few years to lose the 100 or so pounds I have taken off. By the time you do, this regimin will become the way you are every day and it wont be “work”…
    Keep your head up..

  6. Tammy/averagemom

    You can’t stop writing about it! I need you! I read your blog, and I feel so relieved that I am not the only going through this shit. You are telling it with honesty, and none of the “I feel so much better now” crap that makes me want to eat a litre of ice cream.
    The pics are amazing. Of course, the big glowy smile makes it hard to notice any pudge on the body…

  7. Mieke

    look how good you look, your beautiful bone structure is popping out of the new picture.
    We all have our issues, in ten days I am going to see my sister, who is my height and 25 pounds lighter, and my mother who is also very thin. I always feel like shit about how I look when I am with them, it colors the good time I am having when I spend time with them, and has been causing a ton of anxiety for me this week. Sigh. It’s all relative I suppose.
    I am still pissed you went to the beach and didn’t tell me. As you point out, you haven’t been here since APRIL.
    M

  8. Wendy

    1.) Please don’t think you have to stop talking about your weight. It may be meaningless to some people, but holy damn, it’s inspiring to me!
    2.) I can definitely tell in your face (I HATE it when people tell me that) and I can also tell it in your midsection. I know that’s a lame ass word, but I don’t know what else to call it…
    Whatever the case, cry all you want, eat a Cinnabon, and then go back to the gym. :)

  9. Jaz

    You CAN tell a difference and you are doing a great job. Keep your head up and keep trying. As they say, the weight gain didn’t happen overnight (althought sometimes it seems that way) so you won’t lose it overnight. You are doing the RIGHT thing by doing the healthy thing. Keep up the good work.

  10. dizzy

    I found your site through Bitchypoo. You are so funny and so full of life. I love to read about your weight loss and family. I too am trying to lose weight and so glad to know i have company when I have the same feelings about giving up and doing it the unhealthly way. You have so much going for you and so much support. If I had half the support you have I would probably get my butt out and walk instead of sitting on the computer

  11. geeky

    ok, i’ll give you today to be pissed off about losing weight. everyone has a bad day now and then, so go ahead, be pissed.
    but tomorrow? tomorrow you have to look at yourself and admire yourself for having the strength to make as much progress as you have (which is a LOT). and you have to take the time to appreciate that even though the weight loss has been slow, doing it this way will keep it off and is making you healthier in the long run.
    do it… OR ELSE!! :)

  12. Dena

    I can see a difference. Weight loss is such a struggle. One day at a time, one day at a time.
    P.S. Your daughter is SO darn cute

  13. clickmom

    Comrad-
    It is not easy! I am right in there with you- going for the 100lb weight loss, currently down 30 and struggling with the enormity of the task in front me (as well as the belly in front of me)
    It will be worth it when you wake up one day and run your hands down your bod to feel ribs and hip bones! Think positive and keep your eye on the prize- when you get to your goal you will be hold your beautiful children that much closer to your (healthier) heart. And losing the weight will you around to enjoy them longer.
    I have had to shove the scale into the closet, I just too compulsive about it. Why measure? When what is important is that you keep plugging away, pound by pound, until you arrive at your goal. If it is required for your program ask them not to tell you and close your eyes while they do it. It isn’t the numbers which matter after all. You were so thrilled last week, and you know you look the same. It isn’t as if you inflated just because some one measured wrong.
    Keep up the good work. You deserve to be happy.

  14. Vickie

    Sigh.
    We talked in IM’s, and I won’t be as ‘aggressive’ as I was in the earlier post. I’ve been where you are now. It was so easy to lose the weight for like the first couple of weeks, then it got SO hard to keep going. But you know what, my kids have graduated high school and I’m about to send my youngest off to college in two weeks. You don’t have the frame of reference to really understand this, but when your kids are gone, you will see how MUCH easier it will be to take care of YOU. Virtually any mother out there is usually going to do for the kids first, then for herself second. When our kids our young our entire world revolves around them (and if theres a couple of minutes at the end of the day, around the hubs LOL). It won’t be till the kids are pretty much self-sufficient that you’ll feel TOTALLY confortable in doing for YOU. I know people always say how you should do for yourself, but it’s so much easier said than done. Especially with three kids.
    Don’t rush it. The time WILL come when you can devote 100% of your time to YOU.

  15. Brandi

    I just found your site from Echo.
    First off let me say I just looked throw your weight loss pictures in Flickr and you look WONDERFUL!
    Second….I have had to watch my weight and what I eat my entire life. When I was pregnant with my little girl I GAINED A TON and still haven’t gotten back to what I weighed before I was pregnant. I would kill to back at that weight even though then I thought I was fat.
    I guess what I am trying to say is that we are always harder on ourselves. I look in the mirror even before I was pregnant and knew I was a pig….but really I wasn’t and your not either. I think you have come a long way. You look beautiful!

  16. Melanie Lynne Hauser

    It’s so much more important for you to be healthy, than for you to be magically skinny again. I know you know this, but think of your children. And the weight will come off – at first, though, it seems like it gets stuck. It does take a while to see the results but when you do, you’ll be so proud of yourself!

  17. Ms. Q

    Don’t give up! You are doing so well. I know it seems impossible, but you have made so much progress. You are beautiful and your effort only makes you more so.

  18. Suzzane

    Go on a freakin diet already and quit b’in aout it. I am a lurker. You have done nothing to control the problem. DO somethin and if it doesn’t work, then griipe. Geez Louisel Otherwise Just accept it. Quit tryin to get attention about it. It’s your choice. BE FAT or NOT BE FAT. Everyone has a little control of their own destiny.

  19. Tammy/averagemom

    Arghhh. I was checking back through your comments, and when I got to Suzzane, I said aloud “god, I hope Y hasn’t read this yet! This chick is nuts!” YOU know what you’ve accomplished. YOU know how hard you’ve worked. You also know that if you dare try and tell us it’s all going swell and weight loss is easy, we will come and kick your butt. Of course, we have to go find Suzzane and kick her ass, first.

  20. Joelle

    Knock knock! 2.5 years calling!
    Dude. I’ve been stalled for over a year. I’m so sorry that you’re feeling this frustration because I know it so well. It’s slow, but it will be worth it, you know that.
    Believe me, I can SO UNDERSTAND the slow. Don’t give up, babydoll. I won’t if you don’t.

  21. kim

    okay now, I SO KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. but let mejust tell you this: i started ww in january [as in 8 MONTHS AGO] and you know how much i’ve lost so far? 14 f*cking lbs. and i KNOW after ww tonight it’ll be less… and i’m at the point you’re at just about every other week. sometimes i give in, sometimes i don’t [usually i do give in = me stuffing big fat pizza and everything i shouldn’t be eating at all into my face within 36 hours] BUT i’ve made it this far and i’m gonna keep doing it. okay, it may take longer for me and i may never actually get to how i’d love to look like but i know eating healthy makes me feel better even without the big weight loss. and eating unhealthy [like the last couple weeks] makes me feel bad, fat, ugly, depressed – you name it – and consequently eat more crap. but i wanna do this and not feel like a looser any more. and you’re kinda my model in this ww-journey so DON’T YOU GIVE UP!

  22. Kelly

    Eat the cinnamon bun, cry, and then go back to the gym. It took awhile for you to gain it, it will take awhile to loose it. You look amazing and you are such an inspiration. You DESERVE this. Keep it up! One day at a time. One day at a time.

  23. Psycho Kitty

    Oh, Y. I don’t comment here very often, but lady, listen up. You are attractive *now.* The thin(ner) part will come, but f***, f***, f*** anything that takes away from you knowing that you are effing *fabulous.* Right now. Your fabulousness will only increase. I mean it.

  24. Sean

    Yvonne, are you using the sauna at your local gym? That is the best way in the world to take off and keep off excess weight. Bear in mind that you have to keep hydrated by drinking lots of water (at least a half gallon a day) throughout the day, but I swear to you that sweating, in combination with diet and exercise, will allow you to drop weight in the dramatic fashion you seek. I don’t mean you’ll drop weight dangerously, but you will see better results than from just diet and exercise alone.
    I worked at a place that was hot during the summer months and I dropped fifteen pounds in a few months and was able to eat and drink anything I wanted. Why? Because I sweated my ass off in the heat and worked out.
    Good luck.

  25. randi

    Curves, if that’s who is measuring you, cannot be trusted. They don’t measure you the same place each time. Put that in your pipe and smoke it. Also, if you want to lose weight quickly and healthily, go buy the South Beach diet book and do it. It’s hard as hell but you will lose at least 7 lbs. in 2 weeks if you stick to it. Water. Water. Water. Best of luck. I heart your blog.

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