Unedited- (so if there are a million mistakes, I’m sorry, this is how I write when I’m about to lose it. It’s ugly, messy and raw, but you’ll just have to deal)

Ethan had a nightmare last night. I wouldn’t pay attention to him and I loved my friends more than I loved him.
My grandparents are hurt with me because I never make time to see him.
My friends are angry with me because I don’t make time to call them.
My mom is upset because I don’t make time to help her when she needs my help.
My husband is irritated because the house is a mess.
My body is pissed off at me because I haven’t made time to take care of it and work out like I should be.
I’m feeling so confused, so worthless, like I’m horrible mother, friend, daughter, granddaughter.
There are four people in this house who depend on ME to make sure they have everything they need. It is my JOB to make sure that they have clean clothes, that they are fed properly, that they sleep on clean sheets at night, that they get to their doctor appointments, their dentist appointments, their basketball practices, their games on time.
Life with 2 growing boys and an infant is not easy. I love it, but it’s hard. It’s demanding. It is, at times, overwhelming.
There are days where I don’t even have time to take a shower.
Gabby wants to nurse, Ethan wants me to play uno, Andrew wants me to take him to buy paintballs, Gabby needs her daiper changed, Ethan needs me to clip his toenails, Andrew wants me to teach him a chord on the guitar, Gabby is crying and needs to be comforted, Ethan is pissed because I didn’t listen to his story, Andrew needs me to collect and scoop his shit. Gabby needs to eat breakfast but can’t because I have to clean the floor and the carpet because Ethan decided he’d kill all of the ants by SPRAYING ANT KILLER ALL OVER THE CARPET AND FLOOR WHERE MY DAUGHTER CRAWLS AROUND.
Then let’s throw Tony in the mix.
He needs his work clothes washed, he needs me to fax his timecard, to deposit his check, to go buy him beers because OH MY GOD HE’S ALL OUT. He needs sex, he needs his back scratched, he’s out of deodarant, he needs me to make him a dentist appointment…
By the time 9pm rolls around, I realize, wow, I haven’t showered, nor have I brushed my teeth and man, am I hungry because I didn’t have time to eat lunch but it’s too late to make something now because then I’ll be up past 10 doing the dishes and holy crap! I forgot to pay the bills and I need to do that before I go to bed, but I’m so tired and I feel like I’m going to cry because no matter how much I do all day long it’s never enough and by the time I finally crash on the sofa I know that SOMEONE IF NOT EVERYONE IN MY LIFE IS GOING TO FUCKING HATE ME BECAUSE I DON’T PAY ATTENTION TO THEM AND I’M SO SELFISH AND ALL I CARE ABOUT IS MYSELF AND HOW DARE I DON’T TALK TO THEM AT 11PM BECAUSE I’M AN ASSHOLE WHO DOESN’T DESERVE FRIENDS BECAUSE LOOK HOW I TREAT THEM?
I’m so confused right now and not quite sure how to make people in my life understand that I do love them and I’m SO DAMN SORRY for neglecting them but I obviously don’t know how to do all of this and make everyone happy. I don’t even know how to take care of myself.
And blahblahblah, everyone’s life is hard, everyone has a million people pulling them in a million different directions. I’m not trying to make my life out to be so hard that I can’t take a minute to let people know that I love them. Instead, I’m admitting I’m an idiot who gets so wrapped up in my little life here that I fail others miserably. But it’s not out of hate or malice, It’s not for lack of love… IT’S NOT.

My life revolves around those THREE. Count them, ONE, TWO, THREE children and I try my best every minute of everyday to make them happy.
In the process, I’ve neglected the other people in my life, and I don’t know how to make it right.
I don’t want to fall apart here, I’m trying to hold it together, but with each person that tells me how disappointed they are in me, with each person that reminds me what a failure of a human being I am, it’s getting harder to do.

53 thoughts on “Unedited- (so if there are a million mistakes, I’m sorry, this is how I write when I’m about to lose it. It’s ugly, messy and raw, but you’ll just have to deal)

  1. Tessa

    De-lurking for a moment to say:
    (1) you’re just overwhelmed, overtired, and underappreciated right now, none of which is your fault;
    (2) things will get better, they always do, but it doesn’t make it any easier to get through the tough times;
    (3) I think 9 out of 10 women feel like you do, at least at some point in time.
    (4) no matter what they’re saying right now that might be hateful, the people around you love you and need you and will, once again, fully appreciate you.
    Chin up, shoulders back. You’ve got so much going for you, you’ll remember that soon.

  2. ben

    Okay, girl, I need NOTHING from you, you are perfect for ME just the way you are, and if it makes you feel any better I’ve had many of these same thoughts (only, obviously, it’s not Tony that wants sex with me).
    I don’t wanna try and tell you how to make it right. Hell, I don’t know how. I do know that you’ve gotta keep trying, though. And it’s okay to fall apart once in a while and let those that depend on you realize just how much energy it takes. Maybe they can try and meet you partway on some things.
    Hang on, girl…

  3. Jazzy

    Hang in there. When you had children, you made a commitment to them. To your family. And as you say, they ARE the most important aspect of your life as they SHOULD be. Ben is right, ask some of these people to meet you halfway.
    In the meantime, go scream, kick, hit a pillow.

  4. Lisa

    Screw everyone – look at those adorable children!?? How come anyone thinks they should come in front of them?
    But… while I have you here… how come I can’t leave comments on your great pics at flickr? Is it because I’m not special enough? You don’t love me enough, do you. ::: pouts ::: 😉 Sorry, couldn’t resist.

  5. jen

    Looks to me like you are doing a pretty damned good job with those 3 …. Aside from Tony, I wouldn’t worry about what anyone else thinks. Direct them to this post and tell them to chill out.
    Those kids look so happy. LOOK AT THEM!!! THAT is all you should need….Try not to be so hard on yourself Y….

  6. Heather G

    I wish i had some great advice for you. It’s sounds like my life in ALOT of ways. Frankly, I wish i could stay home with our children (4 of them) during the day, but our budget requires my husband and i to both work full time. And ALOT of the time the hubby puts in 14 hour days. I have all the responsibility you have, and only the evening hours and weekends to get it done.
    From all your photos, your loving touch shows in those children. They all seem to be so happy. Take pride in that and know that today isnt the last day on earth to get everything done. Thats how i manage. You are blessed to be able to share your days with them and not have to cram love and responsibilities into 5 hours monday through friday night and on the weekends……. Honey- I literally grocery shop on my lunch hour………
    Your doing a wonderful job! Just look at those smiles!
    You struck a chord with the beer and the hubbies, god forbid they run out???!! WTF ?
    ANTS- Deja vu!
    My 11 year old did the same thing! (and i have a 2 year old) What is up with the damn ants comming into my house????? The hubby says they are “running from all the rain” But must my older girls poison the carpet and tile 5 million times before they realize their brother has to walk, sit and crawl in it???????
    Okay, sorry to vent on your blog. Thanks for making me feel like i’m not the only one that feels like this though! Chin up ! Your a great mom, and “HUMAN” TOO!

  7. geeky

    being a mom has got to be the hardest job in the world. i really admire you and all moms who are able to handle all that, becuase i just couldn’t do it. just try to remember that you’re only human – there’s only 24 hours in a day and you can only do so much. you can’t please everyone, and it looks to me like you’re doing a great job of pleasing the ones that matter – your kids!

  8. Amy

    And doesn’t it sometimes seem that everyone around is so much more capable? Like–well, *she* has two kids, and she still manages to call her friends and keep appointments and so on, why can’t I? I know exactly what you are saying, Y, and I am in the exact same boat–except I only have 2 kids, and I still can’t get it together enough.
    Oh, and I know that Heather was trying to be helpful, but just because you are not working outside the home, that does NOT make things easier for you. Women who work have different challenges–one of those is fitting all the house responsibilities into after work time–but working moms also get to GET OUT OF THE HOUSE and USE THEIR BRAINS, so don’t be thinking we have it so much better than you.
    And I second the other posters, who say your kids are beautiful, and look how happy they are! so you are definitely doing something right.
    (Now why can’t I say that to myself?)

  9. Trishie

    all we ask is that you blog once a day!
    Don’t worry – most of us wives feel the same way – even without children. i have to grin and bear it because of my husband, so don’t feel like your the only one. And I’m the one wanting sex and never get it! HMPH!
    you’re in my prayers sugarbear.

  10. Mary

    I drop into bed every night dead tired. I can relate.
    It’s like walking on a treadmill that is going very fast….you bust ass but never get anywhere.
    oh, and people hardly ever comment on my blog so feel proud of your readers.

  11. Shylah

    Damn, Mama.. I can’t believe there are ADULTS out there who get mad at you for not giving them as much attention as you do your children. You said it just right – those three beauties are your primary focus, and everyone else needs to learn how to include themselves in your life without taking away from your kids. They wanna chitchat? Come over and talk to me while I’m folding laundry.

  12. jenny

    so is that a no for you making me dinner? :)
    i have no idea what it’s like to be in your shoes. i’m a nanny. i have other people’s kids all day long…but someday…when i’m in your shoes…i’ll be able to say..”hey yeah that’s normal” so thanks for your rant today…and like i tell all of my blog friends with kids…..if you lived closer, i’d totally babysit :)

  13. mindy

    OMG I just realized why I am so goldarn fucking cranky! We are living the same lives!!! Aaaacckk!
    It’s the sort of thing I wouldn’t wish on anyone, and yet we do it and live it and love it because we have to. What a sucky reason to do anything, huh?
    If it helps to hear: I remembered just this afternoon that Dylan wet his bed three nights ago. And I wondered why he’s been wanting to sleep with me.
    And the rug/ants? I had Mr. X help me roll the fucking thing up and chuck it in the garage. I just couldn’t deal with it.
    *I* love you, don’t need anything at the moment, and think you are one hot, sexy, intelligent, lovely person. The problem is that *motherhood* sucks all the funny out of the day sometimes. (See Exhibit A)

  14. mmc

    The bills will wait. The friends will wait. The children can learn to wait. The husband can wait. There are FIVE people in your house that need you, rely on you, and you are forgetting the most important one: YOU. If you don’t take care of yourself – if only for 30 min. to take a bath, workout, sit and veg – you can’t do it for the others. Here’s a suggestion: get up an extra 30 min. early and do something relaxing YOU want to do, you really won’t miss the sleep, but starting your day with a calm sense of self always makes my whole day go better….and doesn’t it seem like the rest of them mirror whatever it is we feel? Try it. Feel better.

  15. sphinxy

    I think anyone, including family or friends, who don’tunderstand where you are coming from is being incredibly selfish and petty.
    You aren’t wonder woman. You are a mother of three with a life and real problems and you do the best anyone could possibly ask you to do.
    They don’t sleep in your skin at night you do. Do your best to take care of you and your family and the rest will fall into place. And the people who don’t give you a break… *bird*

  16. hed

    Yah. Damn. Tell them to bugger off if they are making you feel like crap for taking care of the people who are and should be a priority. And don’t forget to include yourself. If you don’t take care of yourself, you will not be able to take care of anyone else.

  17. Mellissa

    I know it’s important to put your family first. But where would they be without you? For that reason, you sometimes need to put YOU first. Even if it’s just 30 minutes a day to have a bath with some nice oils and candles and your favourite music.
    Part of being a mother also is giving your children the tools they will need to one day make their own way in the world. It’s never too early for the boys to learn how to use the washer, make their beds, and help you prepare dinner.
    And as for friends demanding your time? I think they should either come visit you and help you out so you DO have some spare time, or else shut it.
    Your family is fabulous!

  18. Karen

    I found your site through Mammacita, and the poop in the fridge reference, I just couldn’t help coming over LOL
    Your children are incredible, and I think it is wonderful that you are so dedicated to being their Mom. They look so happy and its clear you’re doing a great job!! So full of love and laughter, that’s how it should be!

  19. kim

    hope you’re better today!!! just look at the previous comments, that note you have posted underneath you description and look at the pics of those GORGEOUS, HAPPY KIDS! that’s all. you rock, Y and everyone knows that [but you…] *huge german hug*
    PS: i say tell tony to go get his own f*cking beer…

  20. Mellie Helen

    And so now I guess you can just take over my blog, since you have pretty much vented my own frustrations. Thank you!
    I know moms who have six, seven, and eight kids, and they trot around with lovely complexions and lovely demeanors, and here I am with only two kids, and I drag myself around with disheveled unwashed hair and only one armpit shaved and hands eternally in the middle stages of a manicure — how do those women do it? I don’t know, but it doesn’t matter. What matters is that we do the best we can for our own families, and that does indeed include caring for ourselves. So. Maybe I’ll shave that other pit today.

  21. Jenny

    Y, I usually lurk. But this post calls to me because it reminds me a lot of me. The worthless feelings, the belief that people will hate you, the complete exhaustion, feeling overwhelmed…I’ve been there. In my case it was depression that thank god got treated before I actually did something about it. I don’t want to give any advice along the lines of “chin up” or “it’ll be ok” because in my situation that kind of “advice,” though well-meaning, only made me feel worse. I’m so so sorry that you’re going through a crappy time, and I’ll share an analogy that helped me, in the hope that it might comfort you. I can tell that your kids mean the world to you. You know how on airplanes they do the “in case of a loss of airpressure” schpiel? They instruct you that if you are traveling with small children to put your own mask on before putting theirs on. I think life is like that. Take care of yourself first and foremost, so that you will be able to take care of your loved ones. I hope this did not seem know-it-all, cause I certainly do not. But I sure do empathize with what I read today.
    Best to you.

  22. chasmyn

    I’m so sorry you’re feeling pulled in so many directions right now, but I think you’re pointed in the exact RIGHT direction. If it IS true that other people think you’re not giving them enough attention as a friend, maybe they need to come and spend a day with you to see where your attntion really does go. Or read your blog.
    It sounde to me like you are feeling overwhelmed with all of the to-do things, and that also seems perfectly normal to me – everyone I know with children has that, and three? You definitely qualify. I think you’re doing wonderfully, for what it’s worth. If you shut out the rest of the world and only focus on your family I still think you’re doing a wonderful job.
    And your true friends will understand that. Family? Well, they tend to just be crazy anyway. They’ll get over it.

  23. Cori

    I know where you come from. I’ve been there before, will probably be there again. You are a survivor and will make it. We all do and we all try to help others who are going through it. {{{Yvonne}}}

  24. Heatheranne

    The only person you’re neglecting is yourself. I know, I’m right there with you. At some point in our lives we were supposed to morph into super woman. I know it’s hard and next to impossible, but you have to find time for yourself. You have to be selfish sometimes. You have to make yourself happy before you can make others happy. See? I can preach that all fucking day, but I can’t do it either.

  25. Lisa

    You gotta be doin’ something right, I mean, just look at those precious faces. At the end of the day, that’s all that matters, right?
    This too shall pass.

  26. momof2

    I think any living, breathing humans on this earth can agree that life with kids is hard. And so stressful. But so worthwhile.
    Sometimes the only thing that snaps me out of it and calms my ass down is the simple phrase…
    Pick Your Battles.
    Some things can wait. Your family is not one of them.
    Your friends, if real, should understand.
    May you never have to do this whole parenting thing singularly.

  27. mrs darling

    I hear ya, Y. I ‘ve been feeling exactly the same way lately. I just got a lecture from my husband on not doing enough around here. I do everything. He even had the audacity to say that I save the laundry to do on weekends so I can try to show him how busy i am!
    Say what? I do laundry every day! He dont believe it. I can never win! I hear ya! We woman have to spread ourselves all too thin thats all there is to it.
    I just put my own post about this up earlier this evening. I entitled it “the tale of a Polish man and his German lady!”
    Lets just scream together now!

  28. mrs darling

    Oh my that last one goes to a paternity website. I give up. I will try this link yet and see what happens. Sorry about this Yvonnes. You can delete my test comments if you wish! :)

  29. Philip

    When you get overwhelmed, just hit the reset button, look at your kids and tune everything else out. You are doing GREAT.

  30. Chae

    You are not a failure. Tell Tony to get off his ass, fax his own damned timecard, get his own friggin’ beer and deodorant, wash his own friggin’ clothes and watch those kids occasionally so you can have 30 min to your damned self. As Jane Sellman said, ‘The phrase ‘working mother’ is redundant’. You have a full time job, Y, and Tony needs to know that when he comes home, you need to unwind and he needs time w/the kids. Why do men think their part of parenting is done after the fertilization process, or that bringing home the money/bacon is enough? Your friends/family needs to understand what you do all day is not laying around and eating bon-bons. It’s damned hard work and you’re doing the best you can. Keep your head above water, baby. You can do it. I have faith in you.

  31. erika

    I’m terrified at how I’m going to handle everything with *one* baby – you never cease to amaze me at how you do it with three. You are amazing, Yvonne, and as hard as it sounds to pull off right now, I think you need YOU time more than anything. Once YOU are calm and settled inside, everything else will be easier to handle. Easier said than done – I know. :-(
    Love you.

  32. Sarcastic Journalist

    You aren’t neglecting people. They can’t depend on you to do everything. That’s what happens when you have kids. It sounds, to me, (as a friend) that everyone in the house (minus Gabby) needs to start pitching in more. The boys are old enough to start helping with laundry. Tony can help do things. You are not anyone’s slave. It is not your job to do everything for them.

  33. ella

    To heck with everyone else! You need to take are of what’s most important to you. And put yourself on that list because without you, everyone else will fall apart. Right?
    It’s too bad your mother isn’t more understanding. But I know how it is.
    Take care! And tell Tony to wash his own damn clothes!

  34. Vickie

    Get a job list on the refrigerator. Stick to it. If assigned job to assigned person doesn’t get done, it doesn’t get done. The boys are on vacation; they need to start accepting the responsibility of doing various jobs around the house. I hate to say it, but if it doesn’t start now, kids get this teenage attitude that they aren’t partially responsible for the welfare of the house/family. I speak from experience, trust me.

  35. becky

    hope you’re doing okay, hon. it’s hard to make time for everyone, that’s why you have to make time for the most important ones. sounds like you’re already doing that.

  36. reese

    You don’t have to do it all. You do so much already.
    The world wont’ end if you aren’t everything to everyone. It’s amazing you handle as much as you do. really. I would probably honestly be locked up by now if I tried to handle three kids as well as you do. You’re a fantastic mother and wife (I know, how the hell do *I* know? We’ve never met. But! I can just tell. Your love for them all is obvious, and your devotion just as clear)
    I like the delegation idea that Vickie gave. I think it’s time people started giving YOU a break and expecting less from you. In fact, it’s time they stepped in to give you some relief rather than expect you to do it all. Don’t be afraid to ask for their help. It doesnt make you bad, it makes you smart, and it';s you taking care of yourself and your health :)

  37. Holly

    I’m also a mom of 3.. My boys are 10 and 11, and my daughter is 2. I totally understand. I feel pulled in 98 different directions every day. There is no way I can accomplish everything everyone needs every day.
    You’re not the only one.. There are others of us out there.. they’re just haven’t discovered blog bitching yet.

  38. Zette

    Holy cow, your life sounds like mine except I don’t think I could have written it down as well as you have. You are one very powerful woman with whom I totally can relate to and someone I would never think less of because you weren’t perfect. You are simply YOU and I love reading your blog and especially knowing I’m not alone in these feelings of overwhelming guilt when it comes to kids, friends, loved ones. Take care Yvonne!

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