The one where I never SHUTUP.

I no longer believe that the fact I’ve lost 3 pounds in the last few days without even trying is not due to the fact that I have cancer.
It is due to the fact that I have a 10 month old human being who is into everything, everywhere, every waking minute of every waking day and I don’t have a chance to sit down and relax at ALL because I have to keep my daughter from choking on things, breaking things, knocking the trash can over and playing with raw chicken skin, and so on and so forth.
And let’s not forget CHEWING THINGS.
I’d like to submit evidence.
Exhibit A.

Yeah, she may only have 1 and a half teeth, but she KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM.
The reason we spent the extra money to buy that crib was because it turns into a bed! So we were like “sure, it costs more, but we can use it for YEARS!”
Obviously, we weren’t thinking about the possibility that our daughter would be part beaver.
I couldn’t even finish my dump this morning because the girl decided she didn’t want to stay in the bathroom with The Stink and TOOK OFF. I was sitting there, on the pot, screaming for her “GABBY! Come back to mama! I take it back! You can totally play with the clorox bleach!” Nope, she was gone. And so, I had to up and wipe because, trust me, she could kill herself because? We haven’t baby proofed yet. I thought we still had time! With the first, you’re on that shit like Tom on Katie, but by the time the third one pops out, you’re much more relaxed about everything.

I can relax NO MORE. The girl is on the move and looking for trouble.
I don’t NEED any trouble.
Unless by “trouble” you mean a bottle of wine and a rubbing of the feet. Because I totally need that.

22 thoughts on “The one where I never SHUTUP.

  1. NinaKaye

    Baby gates. That’s what kept my kid from dying. I locked her in the living room where everything was put up out of reach and then I could relax. Of course, then she found the kitchen (with a doorway too big for a gate) and even the child-proof cabinet locks didn’t stop her. Thankfully she’s only ever gotten into the pots and pan cabinet. Even our refrigerator is locked.
    Anyway, you can get lots of cute baby diaper butt pictures while she’s run-crawling away from you.

  2. Chaeriste

    I’m totally afraid of having kids now. Can’t even take a full morning BM? Eeeee…. Congrats on the 3 pounds lost, though. I take it wherever I can get it – the flu, food poisoning, actual dieting…

  3. robyn

    Yep — we are part of the baby gating brigade here as well. He can get into places my belly can’t — he knows it — and laughs at me accordingly as he runs there at warp speed. So gated away we went!
    Our $650 convertible crib has nice little gnaw marks on it as well. As does our coffee table. And our…..
    And I get to start over from scratch with a new 2005 model in 9 days! Whee! :-)

  4. Jessica

    We got Matthew a bed that turned into a bigger bed and so on… I told Mark when Matthew was about 6 weeks old that we should find those plastic clear things that go on the side of the crib that prevents them from damaging the crib’s wood… we never did it and now I am glad that I didn’t… he chews on the same place as her… ECK!

  5. Tammy/averagemom

    Look at that cute baby butt waggling away!
    Yup, our house is set up like a baby prison. Gates and bars everywhere. And still the Terrors find stuff to make me scream.

  6. Y

    Of course! You never know when you’re going to make a poop that looks like Oprah! And you’ll need photographic evidence!
    But seriously, dude… no, that wasn’t taken while I was taking the shit. That was taken while I was trying to cook dinner and she kept running away. My bathroom is actually around that corner she’s turning.
    YOU HAVE A DIRTY MIND.

  7. dana michelle

    “Part beaver” and “like Tom on Katie” are two of the funniest things I have heard in a while.
    The producer of the morning radio show I listen to was in Hollywood on a press junket for a new movie and said that those two were in the middle of a hallway crowded with interviewers and were making out like a couple of 15 year olds in a stairwell. He had to actually put his hand on Tom’s shoulder to squeeze between him and the wall as he walked past. And they didn’t stopped sucking face for a nanosecond.
    Does ANYONE believe that this those two are “for real”?

  8. halloweenlover

    Dirty minds think alike apparently, because I also was wondering why you have a camera in the bathroom. But you know, if SJ can pause while E is eating some, ummm, choice things, to run and get the camera to get photographic evidence, you can totally take your camera to the bathroom with you : )

  9. Sarcastic Journalist

    HEY! I USED THE CAMERA PHONE THAT WAS SITTING ON THE COUCH!
    Okay. Its true. If I didnt have the camera phone, I would have totally gone and found my camera.
    Yeah, we all know that Y takes pictures of her face mid-dump.

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