Decisions, decisions.

Nothing quite as awesome as getting poked first thing in the morning.
With a needle
(remember? Tony’s Weapon of Mass Fertilization is still “active” so, no pokey pokey from him allowed! That’s right, I went on Pokey Strike until he makes an appointment. I had to take drastic measures, people.)
The nurse asked me how I was doing as she looked for a vain “I’m ok. I’d rather not be getting poked this early in the morning, but…”
“Well, everyone has to get poked every once in a while” She replied
“And not always the good kind of poke, either” I shot back.
Oh, how she laughed. Good thing she wasn’t apostolic, I thought to myself, she might not have appreciated it.
Doctor ordered some tests to find out what’s wrong with me, but based on the 5 pages of “symptoms” I read him, he believes that I have acid reflux. Call me crazy, but I think symptom #15-(Throwing up in my mouth a little everyday), is what he based that belief upon. That would explain me waking up feeling as if I can’t breathe and then panicking and my heart racing.
He said something about “cutting out caffeine”, “avoiding spicy foods” and “losing weight”, but I was too “busy being in denial” to know for sure.
He also said he wanted to put me on some meds, but can’t because I’m still making and administering Tittymilk. I now have to decide if I want to stop the Tittymilk so that I can take the meds. I’ve decided I’ll wait until after the results of the bloodwork come in before I make that decision. I’ve also decided to use the word “decide” as often as possible in this paragraph. It’s my blog, I’m allowed to make that decision. The decision is mine. Because I decide what I do with my body. It is not the governments decision to decide.
There are several reasons why I don’t want to stop breastfeeding.
It’s convienient. Especially when Lil’ G decides to wake up at 4 am. I can bring her into bed, Whip A Tit out and we both fall back asleep. Everyone’s a winner. Even Tony, because he gets to SEE the titty! Awesome!
I would miss the experience. I love when she nurses. I love the closeness, the way she smiles at me while she’s doing her business, the way she’ll rest her hands on My Big Ones, the sound of her breath as she’s drinking. I would miss that, but I know it has to come to an end sometime.
I’m also afraid of what is going to happen to My Big Ones after the milk dries up. I was T-R-A-U-M-A-T-I-Z-E-D after I stopped nursing Andrew.
Three days after I had stopped, I started undressing to get in the shower. I took my bra off, looked up in the mirror and HOLY SHIT! MY BOOBS!
My breasts, once full, plump and large, were now two flat, deflated, pieces of skin with nipples pointing towards the floor.
“TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONYYYYYYYYY” I screamed.
“MY BOOOOOOOOOOOOBS!” It was as if someone took a needle to them, popped them and let all of the air out. What was left was the ugliest pair of boobs my eyes had ever beheld.
I cried. And cried. And cried again.
All day.
Everyday, for the next few weeks.
Now, back then, they were ONLY a D. I can’t imagine when will happen to my E cup boobs. THEY WILL HANG TO THE FLOOR! I will have to fold them up to stuff them in my bra! I will have a bra full o’ skin n’ nips. No actual boob! Gross!
I’m scared. And I’m not even kidding.
I have an idea! I’ll “quit nursing” but never actually “quit making milk” by secretly pumping everynight after the family goes to bed. No one will ever know! Well, no one except the entire World Wide Web!
Sometimes, I am able to put aside my stupidity and let a little genius shine through.
I just hope everything comes back normal so I don’t have to make any decisions that might cause the deflation of my boobs.

22 thoughts on “Decisions, decisions.

  1. ben

    Whip A Tit
    Is that anything like Whack A Mole?
    If you’re that worried about losing your boobs, have another baby. You might get F cups this time.
    I kid…

  2. Jenny

    i cannot even begin to imagine what happens to boobs after the final stages of milk production. i look down and glance at mine…although not perfect…they are something people like (i have no freakin idea why…why are D’s and slightly sagging as i’m getting older) ..anyway, i’d probably get to like a triple F and walk hunched over for the rest of my life tripping over my own boobs. (i should be one of those people on SNL that makes the funny parody commercials..that one could be “having a baby changes everything” ) hahahha. omigosh i’m just cracking up at my own witty remark hahhaa. ok well…i suppose i can stop now but did you ever have one of those days where you just DECIDE you are just going to keep talking and talking …or in my case typing and typing and just not stop. a complete stranger mind you and i’m pretty much making a fool out of myself but I CAN’T STOP TYPING! hahahhaha. ok…anyway, i’m gonna go get ANOTHER diet coke and call the psycho ward on myself. have a great day :)

  3. Jenny

    omigosh Y i soooo WAS talking about you on my blog!! LOL i tried to link you (without asking haha) and it didn’t work. i visit your blog and joelle’s everyday. you both remind me of myself. :)

  4. Canadian Lauren

    AWW (((HUGS))). I have acid reflux and I’ve taken Zantac with the last 2 of my pregnancies and all the while I was breastfeeding.
    My 15 month old weaned herself a few months ago and I can so relate to the boobage problem. I am deflated and when I bend over they are torpedo like. I recently stood in front of the mirror holding my boobs up to where they USED to be, and then let them drop. I think I pulled a muscle in my back from it…sigh… Good Luck!

  5. Chelle

    Ugh. I understand the deflated boobs syndrome all too well, I’m afraid.
    Good luck with the tests, and the decisions.

  6. Y

    Well, if it happens while you’re watching Oprah, then yeah, totally normal, but see mine happens everytime after I eat. And at night when i’m trying to sleep.
    THAT’S not normal.

  7. halloweenlover

    Uh-oh, seriously, I do it all the time. Mainly at night, after I eat dinner and while I am getting ready for bed, it’ll happen a few times a night. I thought it just happened to everyone. Oops!

  8. Rachael & Eva

    What kind of medicine is he planning on putting you on?
    Just about ALL medicines say “Do not use if breastfeeding, ask your doctor” and just about all doctors say “stop breastfeeding” just to cover their butts.
    Good luck to you and I hope you find something that works for you and Gabby! :)

  9. lauren

    so only after 3 days when you quit BFg Andrew, they were flat? You didn’t go through two weeks of pain adn agony with them being hard as rocks and about to explode? WTF? Why does this crap ass shit happen to me?

  10. Y

    To be honest, I THINK it was three days, but, that was a looooooong time ago, but I KNOW it wasn’t two weeks. Perhaps it’s because I was only nursing him like 2 times a day at that point?

  11. Xdm

    I went from a small B to a large A. (If there is such a thing. Maybe I just try and make myself feel better.) I made my husband promise to buy me boobs. I have them all picked out. I actually have people ask me, “Are you still nursing?” I want to yell, “Are you kidding me? Take a look at my tits and YOU tell me!”

  12. Stacey

    Atleast you’ll have a FLAP OF SKIN.
    I’ll only have nipple left when I’m done nursing.
    Ugh, the site makes me throw up in my mouth a little.

  13. BillH

    Two things:
    First, tell Tony that the “appointment” will probably INCREASE his sex drive. (My wife tells me it did for me!)
    Second, maybe instead of pumping out the milk, Tony can help you out?! If not, I know at least ONE guy who would — ME!

  14. jen

    Um, I have acid reflux too (I just did!) and I have to say, I don’t think it’s worth it to stop nursing for it. The reflux ain’t goin’ nowhere. You can take meds for it when you’re done. And knowing what it is should help with the anxiety.

  15. Aitch

    My daughter is almost 10 months old, still nurses and I too love it just like you, but heres the thing, she has 8 teeth now! EIGHT!! and she is all about the chomping down on my nipple leaving teeth marks!! So I don’t think I will make it to 12 months. Besides she likes real food better than me nowadays anyways!

  16. Rori

    *hugs*
    I’m there with ya at the boob horror.
    My friend who is pregnant with #2 made her husband promise her she can get them fixed after. Spoiled bitch.
    :)

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