Because 2 gym memberships, Billy Blanks boot camp, Walk Away the Pounds, THE GRIND WITH THE ‘NIES, 1 Body Blade isn’t enough

Yesterday, I decided to join yet ANOTHER gym.
It’s what I like to call a “Generic Curves.”
It’s called “Slim and Tone” or, like the big, red letters that light up says “30 minute workout for wimmims”.
You see, my friend “won” a “30 day free membership” in a “random drawing.” Which is SO FUNNY and totally NOT a coincidence that I had “won” a “30 day” “free” “membership” a month earlier. I didn’t “cash in” on my “prize” because I’m a “flake.”
It’s a total scam, because, you have to make an appointment with a “trainer” for your first visit, and after they teach you how everything works, some chick sits down to tell you about the program and then BAM! Out of nowhere, they’re all “Normally, we charge THIS amount, but if you join RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE we’ll only charge you THIS much!”
Suddenly, it doesn’t feel like a “free” anything, but more like “HAHAH SUCKAAAAAAAAHHHHS, WE GOT YOU BECAUSE YOU KNOW YOU LOVED IT AND WANT TO JOIN NOW.”
Lucky for them, I’m really fat and desperate. My friend, however, is not at all fat, but she wants to tone up. If I wasn’t fat and desperate, I would have stood up and shouted “You’re all a bunch of scheming LIAAAARRSSSSS” instead of running to the car to get my checkbook and think of a way to tell Tony “Hey, guess what? I joined ANOTHER gym!” without him revoking my “get out of the house free before cooking dinner, woman” card.
Tonight we went and did our first official workout.
The first 5 minutes was all fun and games to me.
“hahaha my boobs are bouncing!”
“hahahaha MY THIGHS!”
“hahaha It’s the chicken dance song!”
“hahahhaa I’m taking my pulse!”
But DAMN. It stopped being funny real quick. I became painfully aware of the fact that “OH MY GOD, I’M GOING TO HAVE TO DO THIS FOR, LIKE, MONTHS BEFORE THERE ARE ANY RESULTS!”
I also became aware of the fact that bouncing boobs start hurting after a few trips to the face and back and? Having to HOLD THEM DOWN with your hands whilst jumping up and down is slightly humiliating.
I say “slightly” because the truth is I have no dignity. I’ve dry humped a roll of carpet in front of a group of people to get a laugh, people. Flapping tits isn’t really that big of a deal.
We’ll see how this goes, but hopefully with the support of a friend who I know will NOT LET ME FLAKE AND MAKE UP STUPID EXCUSES that I will lose this freaking weight and these excess inches. (Because HOLY SHIZNIT, they took my measurements and, well, how can I put this. Um, ok… My waist is bigger than Tony’s. I won’t tell you the number, but I’ll give you a hint. It rhymes with “shorty”.)

33 thoughts on “Because 2 gym memberships, Billy Blanks boot camp, Walk Away the Pounds, THE GRIND WITH THE ‘NIES, 1 Body Blade isn’t enough

  1. gc

    The last time I signed up with a gym, we got stuck with a 3 year contract and I never went. I’ve also purchased a treadmill that we ended up selling because it wasn’t used. Oh, and did I mention all my exercise tapes? Needless to say, the husband is a bit leery of my “get fit” ideas now. So, basically, for now we’re sticking to old fashioned walking around the neighborhood until we can show that we are committed.

  2. Mieke

    Get a good bra and keep on going. It won’t takes months, you’ll see a change in days. I promise. The most important thing about going is that working out will be great for your mental health. At least it is for me, I am a much happier person when I take that time for myself. I am jealous you have a work out partner.
    Love,
    Lecture Girl.

  3. danelle

    Twenty-eight orty?
    Ah, hell, we’ll never have a 28 inch waist again. I know I won’t. I did lose about 40 pounds since this time last year tho. It can be done!!
    Good luck and get an mp3 player, seriously.

  4. kim

    YOU ROCK and i love you!!
    *still.laughing.from.picturing.the.flapping.tits.and.feeling the.pain.cause.mine.do.the.same.thing.and.i.haven’t.had three.kids*

  5. Vickie

    I don’t know if anybody else feels this way but I think I found the secret to working out. I know I was the same way as anybody else; I HATED the idea of having to go work out. Results come fast at first but it slows down after awhile and you have to really, REALLY get the mindset to just go and do it. I won’t tell you it’s easy because it just isn’t. But I DO know that when you finally get to the point that your day feels empty if you DON’T get to the gym, that’s when you know you’re “addicted” to going and feel like something’s missing if you don’t work out. And that’s when you’ll feel the satisfaction of knowing you are on your way to feeling the way YOU want to feel.

  6. NinaKaye

    I completey understand the boob bounce. I started working out to the Yourself!Fitness thing back in March, but it only lasted a few weeks, because I could only take so many slaps in the face from these damn boobs.

  7. fl0w3r

    Y – I just want to tell you how much I envy you. I’ve seen the pictures…I’m so impressed by your weight loss. This is an issue I struggle with every day. I want desperately to eat right, excercise and lose weight, but I cannot seem to make myself do it. I could buy all the excercise videos in the world and still wouldn’t use them…even though I want to. I can’t explain it, but if you haven’t patted yourself on the back lately…let me do it for you. You impress me and give me hope.

  8. reese

    Does this place do a body fat analyses thing like curves does? I was annoyed because I felt like I wasn’t seeing any results at Curves, but after a month of working out (and not changing my eating at all) their little machine thingie showed a 2% loss in body fat. While my weight was about the same, it was cool because I knew as the fat went down, the muscles would begin to show through ;)
    Anyway, I’m proud of you for doing there. And as Mieke said, get a good bra.

  9. Brandy

    While it is great that you’ve joined a gym, losing weight comes much more from dietary changes than exercise alone. The number of calories you’ll burn during these Curves-like workouts is *minimal*. It is certainly very beneficial to exercise for your health, but you really need to make drastic changes in your diet. The weight *will* come off. You just have to “put down the donut” so to speak. Don’t drink your calories, control portions, etc. If you still feel bad about your stomach after you’ve gotten down to a weight you are happy with treat yourself to abdomnioplasty (a tummy tuck). You shouldn’t have to spend the rest of your life feeling uncomfortable about your body. You deserve to look good and feel good.

  10. Laura

    Woo!
    I used to go to Curves; I really liked it. Except for the super speeded up house versions of pop songs with the “Change Stations Now!” reminder every thirty seconds.
    I found that it was much easier to go workout every day if I made it part of my daily routine. I ONLY went in the morning, right after I dropped my kid off at school. Then I never had to sit around all day going, “I’ll go after I finish playing the Sims” or whatever. Sigh. How I long for those days when I had TIME to play the Sims and go to Curves!
    Good luck, Yvonne!

  11. Steph

    “my everything is bigger than Boy’s. well, except for my penis b/c I don’t have one of those.”
    Same here. My boyfriend wears 32×32 pants and a medium shirt. I wear a size 14-16 and a XL-XXL shirt. (Thank god Old Navy started carrying pseudo trendy XXL stuff. )

  12. Joelle

    Dude, I’ll ride your ass from here to China if that means you’ll go. And it won’t take “months”, babydoll. Honestly… give yourself 6 weeks, consistently… you’ll see a change, I promise.
    And in July, when we are in our new place, I’m restarting my gym mania, since I have no excuse. It’s right downstairs. :) If I go, you go, ho. *smoosh*

  13. jen

    You’ll be amazed at the results you see in only a month.
    I’ve only been running a month, and baby? I’m amazed.

  14. kb

    That’s a postive first step so be proud of yourself. And your sense of humor never fails to crack my shit up!!!

  15. debutaunt

    Yay. Apparently I only have 100 lbs to lose to be normal. I start my Body For Life Challenge on Monday. Yay. I get to do a before picture in a fatass bikini.
    Stand next to me. You’ll look petite.
    But keep it up, yaya girl, and you will see results.

  16. cristi

    You’ll def. see major results…I used to work at Cuts (male version of 30 minute workouts) and one of our members dropped 35 pounds last summer (June-September) just from doing our workout. Good Luck =)

  17. melly

    For some reason, this post reminded me of when I had sex to tejano music. Maybe it was the chicken dance. Anyways, HAHAHAA I did it to TEEEEEEEEEJAAAANNNNNOOOOO!

  18. christina

    Good for you making that commitment! I don’t think I could ever make myself go to a gym – too many people. I love Walk Away the Pounds because it’s so totally mindless if you can get by all the talking. Once upon a time I had a 26 inch waist? Now? Rhymes with “dirty floor”

  19. Tracy

    I go to the “real” Curves. I knew I was going to join, but yeah, the speech is the same, “Join right now and save 50%”…. whatever. Worked for me. I love the gym. I am major overweight (60lbs left to go) but I lost major the first two months (third month weigh/measure on Tuesday)…. I’ve lost 26.5 inches already!!
    Seems kinda hokey at times, but it does work if you still to it!!!
    Good luck!!

  20. mare

    Good luck, you can do it! Not only do I second the sports-bra suggestion, DOUBLE the sports-bra if you have to secure those ta-ta’s.

  21. clickmom

    delurking to say- you crack me up every time. This entry especially, I wish my waist rhymed with shorty, but I am 20 down, and know I will get there eventually. I find that it also helps the pounds come off when I just try to move more, walking the dog, taking the stairs, walking to pick up the kids at school, and anything else I can fit in. The dog loves it, and it definitely pays off.
    Good luck, I’ll be waiting with baited breath.

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