scared

I’m going to say something that I haven’t been able to say outloud because I’m scared. Talking about it makes it real, and I don’t want it to be real…
I have 2 very hard lumps on my right leg. I noticed them about 3 months ago. It freaked me out, but I hoped they’d go away.
They haven’t gone away. They’re still there.
I’m scared. For the past month, I’ve not been able to sleep, I am terrified I’ll die in my sleep. SJ told me I should “talk to somebody about it” and Tony agrees. I’ve not slept in our bed for over a month. I fall asleep sitting up on the sofa, usually around 2-3 am and then I am awake again by 6.
This morning, Tony saw that I hadn’t been to bed (because my side was still made) and he asked me how I’m functioning during the day on virtually no sleep. I told him that so far I’ve managed, but I can feel it catching up to me.
I do believe that’s the reason I’ve been taking things so personally. Why I’ve been crying a lot and convinced the world is against me. I am literally on the verge of a breakdown. I suppose not sleeping for a month because I’m scared to die might have something to do with it.
I know I need to get taken care of, but fear is stopping me.
“I don’t want to know!” I say.
But I have children, I have to know so I can take care of myself. And chances are, it’s nothing like I imagine it is.
I’ve already typed “lymphoma” “bone cancer” “non-hodgkins disease” into google this morning and yes, I am now a basket case. Well, more of a basket case than I was before I went and did the search. I’m crying, I’m feeling like I want to throw up, I’m panicking, big time.
I have a tendancy to be a bit dramatic, but this is real. Believe me.
*update*
I scheduled an appointment for April 8. Thank you for trying to calm me down, I love you guys. /cheese.

36 thoughts on “scared

  1. Sarcastic Journalist

    okay…it said test and then i typed something in and then the real post came up so i look like a mean fuckwad.
    GO. TALK. TO. SOMEONE. RIGHT. NOW. Go to a (different) doctor. Get a physical. Show the lumps on your leg. I’m prone to the “I have cancer and am going to die” thing as well and so far it has never been cancer.
    There are a lot of things that it could be but you won’t know if you don’t go into the doctor.
    And? If you “don’t want to know” all that means is that you wouldn’t get the necessary treatmeant and then something REALLY would happen and then where woud you be??? Not sleeping on the couch, that’s for sure.
    Woman, get your ass to a doctor. STAT. If you’re not around to talk to, I’m going to be a very bored ass person.
    And its all about me so you have to listen.

  2. Lisa

    I totally do that, “I don’t want to know if it’s cancer and I’ll only have a week to live” thing too. It’s important to NOT GOOGLE for answers, Yvonne. Let a doctor take a look so they can order test, palpate it or whatever it is they’ll do but Do NOT Google your symptoms anymore. It’s a sure-fire way to make yourself crazy. Go to more than one doctor if necessary, but please have someone who knows what they’re looking for take a look at it. I’ll be checking back to see what time you’ve made an appointment for.

  3. mrs Darling

    Bumps on your leg could be anything. It’s not like there are lymph nodes on the leg that could get swollen. A leg is forever bumping into stuff and getting weird wounds. I do agree though that you should see a doctor just to relieve your mind!
    as for your other fears those are commonly experienced after giving birth. I was afraid of everything for about a year after each of my kids were born.
    I was totally irrational in the things I was sure would happen. I would guess that will pass after your hormones straighten out. Living in fear is no fun! take care!

  4. Rae

    I had a scare like that a few years ago as well, Y. It turned out to be blot clots in my legs. I had them removed and all is well. I can’t even see the scars anymore (had veins stripped so it doesn’t happen again). Go. see. your. doctor. I will light a candle for you. *hugs*

  5. Lindy

    I have had 2 lumps in my leg for years. The doctors say its just veins & not to worry. The worst thing you can do is sit around & worry about it. Get it checked out & get it over with.
    Lady, I need to move close to you. You need a great friend.

  6. kim

    i know it sounds easier than it is but: go get an appointment to find out what’s going on and don’t expect it to be the worst thing possible already. once you know it is (which really isn’t very likely) you’ll have a reason to start freaking out. all you’re doing right now is wasting precious time with your family that you should be enjoying.

    Y, you’re driving yourself crazy… see, i just punched in “lump on leg” and google came up with TONS of things it could be besides cancer. but if you research the worst possible thing it might be (like “lymphoma” or “bone cancer”), of course you’re gonna loose it. it’s probably nothing worse than a lipoma (“non-cancerous lump of fat cells”) — so i say find out it really is nothing but a lipoma and party on. you’ll be fine *hugs*

  7. Broad

    As someone who convinced herself that she had cancer of the vulva because one of her lips looked darker one day, I can totally appreciate what you’re going through.
    That you need to go to the doctor to have them looked at is understood. But the question I have for you is, have you had any type of fever since you found them or felt crappier than normal (outside of worrying and lack of sleep)?

  8. Lisa

    Have you made that appointment yet? I’m voting for the veins or lipoma, personally, but have a doctor tell you for sure.

  9. robynf

    Hey Y, lumps in your legs are not surprising, you’re carrying some extra weight, and you were just carrying a baby!
    Get it checked out though

  10. Sandee

    It’s prob nothing sweetie .. get it checked ok caue stress & fear will distroy you! I have a lump on my inner leg, had it biopsied, it was a lipoma.. I left it there! Now go!!!!!!

  11. Kitten

    I have a large, hard lump on my throat, it almost looks like an adam’s apple. I was scared shitless, calling my mom 100’s of times a day (she’s a nurse). I went and got a biopsy and it’s nothing, just a cyst.
    which I can take medicine for if I want too. Moral of the story, go get it checked out. If it’s nothing, you’ll feel better faster, if it’s something, earlier to get it taken care of the better.
    We have to have you healthy to read and entertain us, right!?!? Do it for us!

  12. k8

    Hi – new poster here- believe me typing anything into the internet to search can be scary. i had a friend who convinced herself she had hanta virus- the disease you get from rodents- because she typed her symptoms into a medical wesite diagnosis thingy. turns out she was allergic to grass. so just rule out the bad stuff so you can sleep. :)

  13. pinkme

    GO GET IT LOOKED AT!!! Go to 10 doctors if you have to.
    My 14 year old son has a pimple that he is sure is Herpes. He did the Google thing and now insists that I take him to the doctor. I tried to explain that Herpes don’t develop on you forehead. Oh well, it will ease his mind- and yours-GO!

  14. Hed

    Have the lumps changed size or shape? If not, there is a good chance that they could just be ganglion cysts. They are most commonly around joints, but I’ve had them on my shins before.
    I’d just get them checked out, but hopefully, that’s all it is.
    As for the fear of dying, I had the same thing happen when my daughter was about the same age as Gabby. It was pretty bad, and talking to people about it was the best way for me to find perspective.
    I’m sorry you are going through all of this at once. It really sucks when it interferes with your sleep cycle.
    -H

  15. Wendee

    I am always giving myself *something*. Damn google. And I don’t stop there. I give other people things too “hmmm, look at that *bump* on my husbands neck, could it be….is it…yep, he’s dying, something is wrong, gotta be cancer” Then it’s just something like a nick from shaving.
    I can’t say anything else that hasn’t been said, but you really do need to get some sleep and ease your mind. Please make an appt with a DR so you can do just that. You need sleep! Just don’t move on to giving other people things, because that will keep you up at night too. :)

  16. Xdm

    Could it be a cyst? I was just reading about Dooce’s leg cyst. They got to pop it and it sounded sort of fun. Just think! You and Tony popping leg cysts! And you guys were looking for some romantic time together…

  17. girlplease

    Do I have to come to CA and beat you?(in regards to not going to the doc)
    You don’t have bone cancer, lymphoma, or Non-Hodgkins. Think cycst or fatty tumor if anything. But DO get yourself checked out.

  18. Lynne

    Y:
    I have exactly the same thing in my legs. They are fatty tumors!!! I am carrying a bit of extra weight too – so I’m sure they are nothing to worry about! Now go to bed!!!!!! Pleasant dreams!
    Lynne

  19. carolyn

    Ditto…ditto ditto…ditto,ditto,ditto dittooooo….ditto.ditto.ditto………..
    go to the doctor!

  20. Tracy

    You’re not dying. I promise. And I’m never wrong – ask Zack.
    I’ve had fatty tumors in my leg – sucks to have removed, but no big deal.
    I’ve had blood clots in my leg – and let me say – if that’s what it is, you DO want to get it checked out, because if it turns into cellulitis (not like cellulite – it’s a cellular infection), you’re REALLY in for it, becuase you won’t be able to be up doing all the stuff you need to do. I was flat on my back with my legs elevated above my heart for a month. If you see ANY redness or heat in that area, get thy ass to the doctor immediately.
    Finally – funky lumps – I have the “leftovers” in my leg thanks to being overweight and “prediabetic”. They’re not fun, but they’re not going to kill me.
    SO…3 common lumpy bumpies, that haven’t yet killed me, but which DO need to be checked out. Not going to the doctor and worrying about it is probably harder on you than whatever caused the lumps.

  21. sara

    Definitely go and get checked. It sounds like it may just be a fatty tumor (benign/non cancerous) they’re very common, and are very had lumps that sort of move around under the skin. Very scary. But very non-dangerous, and easy to remove.

  22. Trisha

    I honestly don’t think you have Lymphoma. My dad survived that and he never had bumps. Not saying it isn’t possible, but unlikely.
    Although, about 10 years ago, my brother had a bump on his shin. They went to get it checked out and it was nothing more than a cyst. I’d bet that’s nothing more than these are. Do they hurt? Where you ever injured there? Could be scar tissue too.
    Bone Cancer I’m not too familiar on, however, I’ve heard reports that it makes you sick, like the flu.
    It won’t hurt to get it checked out. Seriously. I’d rather know, and get my rest (hopefully making it feel better) than no knowing. Plus, how do you know that by not acting now, you’re not further damaging whatever it maybe? Just go get it cheked out. Keep a positive thought.

  23. Janis

    Ohh Ohhh!! I have those! Just not on my legs. (yet) I have several on my arms though.
    My doc says they are just cysts and we can drain them or slice them out if I’d like.
    EW! No thanks. They don’t hurt and I’m a wuss.
    LOL
    Go to the doc though and see what he/she says. If you are erally good, maybe you’ll get a cool sticker or summthin! 😉

  24. obsidian

    I’ve had lumps on my neck .. cysts in girl places.. and an enlarged thryoid..
    I thought I was gonna die all three of these times.. unfortunately for my life insurance policy holders.. I’m gonna live 😛
    wohoooo!So gonna cross my fingers for you.. its probably some lovely lumpy bumpies that just want to scare you ! and make you crazy
    obsidian :)

  25. jason

    I had a couple of weird bumps on my leg last fall. They started small, and kind of looked like spider bites, and they grew and got very, very painful. I did the same searches that you did, and got the same results…only to go to the doctor and have it be the most common, yet unnamable thing…maybe it was cellulitus, or it was a necrosis, or it was a somethingelse, or a whatchamacallit…anyway, some antibiotics, a cream, and a small biopsy and everything went away all by itself…a lot of panic for a lot of nothing concrete…
    I know you’re getting it checked out, but you should definately not worry until there is something that worries the doctor — the internet has too much info to be helpful with things like this that could go in too many directions…

  26. Sharon

    That’s amazing! I’ve got the same thing, and did the same thing…the dreaded symptom google, which is how I found your post! I made an appointment with my doctor for Monday April 3rd.
    Actually, I already showed my leg lumps to my doctor a year ago, and he was not impressed, told me I had shotty adenopathy in my lymph nodes and not to worry about it…
    But it’s been a year, so I thought I’d go back and ask him again….I have to admit I’m nervous about other things right now and this may be my way of dealing with that…
    Funny how when someone else says it, my first thought is that the main problem is anxiety. And yet when I feel this way, I don’t google anxiety I google fatal illnesses….
    Hope you remember to come back and post what the doctor tells you. I’ll try to remember to do the same.
    Best wishes to you!

  27. Sharon

    Oops! I just noticed your posts that I responded to are from a year ago…So I guess you have long since gone to the doctor, etc.
    I’ll see if I can search around the site and see how things worked out for you….:)

  28. Regina

    I just noticed this board, i to suffer from the
    anxiety of dying, everything i have is something
    bad, i have bruising on leg and slight swelling in
    the area that i might have hit no pain but it started
    as tender vein now area is redish and a little
    hard.

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