I got carded tonight, bitches!
Sort of. Kind of. Almost.
Ok. I didn’t get carded at all.
But My ASS totally did.
That’s right, apparently, my ass looks underage, but MY FACE does not.
As I was checking out at the self check out lanes, the lady who works there yelled out “I’m going to need to see I.D” because I had scanned a 12 pack of beer for Tony. “NO PROBLEM!” I shouted, as I pulled out my wallet.
I turned around to show her my card and the ho was all “Ohhhhhhhhh from behind you looked REALLY YOUNG, NEVERMIND, I DON’T NEED TO SEE IT.”
“You could have seen the I.D all the way through, even after you realised I look like an OLD HAG, to save me from feeling like an ass, ya know”
She apologized a hundred times and it took everything within my soul to not give her a round house kick to the ribs and knock all of her teeth out. Like, SHUTUP ALREADY AND GO AWAY BECAUSE I’M TIRED OF PEOPLE STARING AND LAUGHING ALREADY, HO!
My ass taunted me the whole way home. “Ha! I may be fat, but I can lose weight and you can’t lose those wrinkles ALL OVER YOUR FACE YOU OLD HAG!”
I hate my ass.
But not as much as I hate that stupid skank who halted “the carding” the minute she SAW MY FACE.

13 thoughts on “Sunshine.

  1. Autumn

    My boobs got carded once. The cute boy behind the counter had been looking at my chest in the “cool, young tie-died thing you’re wearing” and carded me. Then when he saw my age on the driver’s license and compared it to my face he said “sorry” and explained about the “cool, young tie-died” thing I was wearing because “the clothes made you look young.”
    Until he saw my age and then my face. I think it was almost love.

  2. Sarcastic Journalist

    SECOND!!! Um…I always still get carded because I look fucking 12…though every time I bring my baby to the liquor store, they never card me.
    And, by the way, I’d totally fuck that ass. You know, in that hot “my ass is underage” sort of way.

  3. kim

    hun, i’m sorry but this TOTALLY made me laugh. that’s hilarious..
    also, i meant to tell you before but somehow i never did: when you left a comment on my site the other day i got all jumpy and excited and like “Y, yes THE Y left a comment on my unworthy site” — so you see i’m not kiddin about how great i think you are. not kissing your underage ass here – i swear! ehrlich!!

  4. Stacey

    Girl, you looks good, wont you back that ass up
    Youse a fine motherfucker, wont you back that ass up
    Call me big daddy when you back that ass up
    Hoe, who is you playing with, back that ass up

  5. ben

    Okay, no offense meant to any of your readers who work the self-checkout lanes at the grocery store, but…
    You’re gonna let her opinion affect you at all?
    And it’s cracking me up that everyone’s writing about how they wanna play with your ass. I’m too skeered of Tony to say anything like that (but you know what I’m thinking *wink wink* nudge nudge* know whatImean?)

  6. kb

    But..But..Girl you got a young ass!!! Do you know how many bitches asses are dragging the back of their thighs and would love to have a nice round firm ass that looks young!!!!
    And you do not look old. I wish you could see what we see when we look at your pictures. You are truely a beatiful woman!!!

  7. dana michelle

    Y, you do NOT look old! You do look over 21, but not by much:)
    We have a grocery chain here that decided in true PC fashion to not be viewed as discriminatory in *any* way, so their policy is to card EVERYONE who buys liquor or cigarettes, regardless of the fact that what remains of a customer’s hair may be white as snow around their shrivelled, age-spotted face. There was a man over 70 that was so insulted by being carded that he attempted to sue them.
    So, if that’s what trips your trigger, move to Milwaukee and shop at Pick ‘n Save. Me, I kinda think it’s a pain in the arse.

  8. QC

    First of all…what the hell was wrong with that woman?! What kind of a tactless assmunch RESCINDS a carding?! Just keep your piehole shut and CARD her like you planned to, bitch!!
    Ok. Now that I have that off my chest…I think you’re purdy! Seriously. You have a great face. Don’t let Tactless Bitch Grocery Woman tell you otherwise.
    Also, be thankful that you live in a state where you can buy alcohol at the grocery store, instead of having to go to a completely separate liquor store (into which, by the way, you are not allowed to bring a baby, because it would be “contributing to the delinquency of a minor.” Yes, I am totally fucking serious).

  9. hilary

    i was once told to wait outside a courtroom while my boyfriend fought a traffic ticket because, according to the baliff, “if he’s over 18 he can’t have his mother in here with him.”
    ohmyfuckinggawd! his MOTHER????

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