P is for paranoia?

I wrote this post on December 1, 2003.
I was scared when I wrote it because those were all signs that I was pregnant, and I wasn’t trying to “be” pregnant. BUT, as it turned out, I was pregnant. (Stupid ass “rhythm method”)
Now, let me take that list and revise it for today

My boobs hurt.check.jpg
I’m tired.check.jpg
I’m naseous.check.jpg
I gag everytime I brush my teeth.check.jpg
Oh… and I’m late.check.jpg
And scared. Very scared.check.jpgcheck.jpgcheck.jpgcheck.jpgcheck.jpgcheck.jpgcheck.jpg
Now, every single one of the things on that list can be explained away.
Boobs hurt? Of course they do! They’re being sucked on, bit on, scratched, straight up abused on a daily basis.
Tired? Well, who wouldn’t be? I’m the mother of THREE children. THREE OF THEM. Two of them are in sports, one of them happens to be an INFANT. DUH!
Naseous? When you don’t get to eat your first meal until the baby decides to take a nap (which lately, has been, almost never) it’s understandable if you start feeling naseuated, right? TELL ME I’M RIGHT!
Late? Not a big deal, because I’m breastfeeding and when one is breastfeeding, one’s cycle is affected and it’s normal to skip periods. I think. So I heard. I SWEAR I READ THAT SOMEWHERE.
Did I say I could explain away every one of those symptoms?
I lied. Because there is one that can NOT be explained away because the ONLY time it has ever happened to be is when I was The “P” word.
But maybe that has something to do with tittymilk, right?
Please tell me that has something to do with the fact I produce tittymilk. Or maybe it’s because I rarely have time to brush my teeth these days, so when I do, the back of my throat is like “WHA?”
That could totally be it.
I find it hard to believe, with all of the “wardin’ off of the cock” that’s been going on since Gabby was born, I could actually be “The P Word”. Seriously. This just has to be a case of my mind and body messing with me. And I do mean HAS TO BE, because, if it’s not, “Someone” is going to be B-U-S-T-E-D. (And when I say busted, I mean BANNED FROM MY VAGINA FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE)

38 thoughts on “P is for paranoia?

  1. mikey

    eh, so what if he’s banned from your vagina. you’ve still got two other holes, right?
    you know, if you just took it in the ass exclusively, you wouldn’t have to worry about getting pregnant again.

  2. ben

    No, I gag every time you brush your teeth, too, so maybe you should switch toothpaste.
    Wait, that didn’t come out right…
    I feel for Tony if he gets banned from the vagina. Didn’t he get things snipped or tied or at least duct taped? I thought that (or perhaps a raincoat for the little man) were prerequesites to paying a visit?

  3. Sarcastic Journalist

    sounds like you need to have a little twatalk.
    and you should take a test. and? i kinda wanna be pregnant too so why am i not pregnant so we could do it together???
    why aren’t our vaginas in sync???? get thee to a contraceptive isle.

  4. Lora

    OMG Mikey … haha ……
    And GIRL …. as a Mother of only Two Brats ….. ummmm I mean ANGELS (whoops) I can completely empathize !!!!!
    RUN …. dont walk ….. to the Walmart.
    Buy that “P” test.
    Pee on the stick.
    And then RUN back here and let us know.
    Ill be on my knees until then praying for you :) !!!!!

  5. Tanya

    Hang on, that post was written almost two hours ago, and no blogger has shown up on your doorstep with a test? You people are slackers. ;o)

  6. Amy

    OMG!! When I thought I could be pregnant with a third child, I was so happy I still had a pee stick left over from before (and still in date). Also was losing my shit until I got my period later that day (laugh it up, it was a week late).
    Pee on that stick and tell us what it says!

  7. robyn

    You know I’m the last one who should be giving advice in this department right now… All I know is when I thought I was, I was. The pregnancies were too close together to just forget. Test. Now. Thinking of you!

  8. Sara for lack of a better name

    I guess I’ll say this, just in case it makes you feel better to hear it:
    Breastfeeding certainly messes with your periods. I nursed my first son 16 months. I got my period for the first time at month 16 as I was weaning, and then didn’t get it again for two months after that.
    So, the tittymilk could very well be the culprit.

  9. Daisyhead

    OMG! It’s going around. I’m going through the same thing, except we just did it right in the middle of my fertile period. (Did I just say fertile on somene else’s blog?) So I’m hoping and praying it’s not true. Not yet anyway.

  10. Tracy

    Ok, go buy the “P” test, and a different kind of toothpaste. Just being thorough.
    And you SERIOUSLY better let us know soon!

  11. Cor

    By the way, is your horny still back? Maybe you were ovulating?
    The past 2 weeks my horny came back and now I’m all thinking SHIT WAS I OVULATING?
    C’mon AF

  12. y

    we’ve used condoms the 5 times we’ve had sex in the last 6 months!
    But thanks for the helpful suggestion!
    I love when people care enough to whip out the “DUH” on me!!!

  13. Hed

    If it helps, there have been about 10 occasions since my daughter was born in which I thought I was pregnant. I have tested so many times, and every time, they have been negative. I’m surprised you already have your period back. I didn’t get mine for 14 months after she was born.
    You do make pretty babies though…

  14. kristal

    scary… I got pregnant with Jonathan when Butterfly was only three months old. I was breastfeeding AND using contraception. If it is meant to happen, it will.
    But what about that update already????

  15. NinaKaye

    I’m so scared to get pregnant again, we don’t even have sex except like every other month. And I make sure there are condoms…and even then I freak out if I’m a day late or something. Two days late and I’d be in tears all day! But I’m paranoid like that.

  16. Jen

    Honey, your daughter eats solid food now. You can TOTALLY get pregnant. You started your periods.
    That is how I ended up with three kids…

  17. Chelle

    for what it’s worth my periods weren’t regular for a year after I stopped breastfeeding. I don’t know about that gagging while brushing teeth thing? maybe just a fluke?

  18. Jennifer

    Dude! Don’t you see? It’s GINGIVITIS! You have GINGIVITIS not PREGNANCY. Now say it with me, “GINGIVITIS!” Yay!
    And if it’s worth anything, my gums didn’t stop bleeding when I brushed my teeth until after I had stopped breastfeeding. (Why doesn’t anybody tell you about the bleeding gums until after you FREAKED THE HELL OUT because OH MY GOD! I HAVE GUM DISEASE!)
    Also, WHY WON’T MY COOKIES STICK? because I’m TIRED of typing my name and email address AGAIN. I am lazy. And gum diseasey.

  19. Lindy

    No! I refuse to think like that. Feel the good vibes I’m sending? It’s period time cos I just started. It hits us all at the same time cos we are women & thats what we do. Those are ALL also signs of period time. Late isn’t defined cos every month the day is different. Especially while breast feeding. Good Vibes, Yvonne, good vibes….
    Oh yeah, let me be the first, congrats, if we’re wrong. But I swear nothing but good vibes.

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