liar

Yesterday I was sharing my weight woes with my hair stylist. You see, she knew me before The Fat. She’s watched me become the fat. I was telling her that I’m trying desperatly to not let It (The Fat) keep me from doing things I want to do.
She stopped cutting my hair for a moment, looked right at me and said “Stop. You’re a beautiful woman, Y.”
Surely, she was lying to try to boost my spirits. Even though I know this woman is brutally honest.
“You’re just being nice, and I appreciate it, but…”
She looked upset.
“I’m being sincere, Y. You’re beautiful. You have amazing skin, beautiful eyes, a beautiful smile and a beautiful personality.”
I wanted to cry, but I fought back the tears and simply said “Thank you.”
Why can’t I believe it when someone says that to me?
When my husband tells me that, I tell him he HAS to say that because he’s my husband. And I know that’s terrible, to disregard his feelings like that, I KNOW IT, but I can’t fucking believe him.
WHY CAN’T I BELIEVE HIM? WHY WHY WHY WHY? Why do I think such horrible things about myself!? Why can’t I accept a compliment? Who taught me to dislike myself in this way? Where did I learn that from?
I once told a girl she was beautiful and she replied with “Thank you. And yes I am.”
It stunned me that she responded that way. What a stuck up bitch! At that moment, that’s exactly what I thought. How snotty of her. Now?
I envy her.
I envy her ability to believe good things about herself. I envy her ability to accept a compliment. I envy that she looks in the mirror and likes what she sees.
I just wish for once in my life, when someone says something positive about me, I could look them in the eye, say ‘thank you’ and believe in what they said to me.
I would give anything to know how that feels.

20 thoughts on “liar

  1. Rae

    It’ll happen, sweetie. When enough people tell you that you are most DEFINITELY beautiful (and that’s why I’m here, to tell you just that!), I think you’ll start to believe it. If you need proof of your beauty, just take a look at your daughter…she’s part of YOU! Only a real beauty could produce beauty like that! And that goes for everyone else that reads this that thinks they’re not beautiful… no matter what, you ARE, and don’t you forget it!

  2. Funkeedva

    I try to see myself how my husband sees me and it helps. I receive his compliments much better thru then lens of his love rather than what I call my own occasional self doubt.

  3. Jen

    I would sure like to know why your husband has to say it to you just because he is your husband, and why my husband had to say to me, “No man respects a man with a fat wife. If you do not lose the weight, I will leave.”
    In other words, he sure as SHIT does not have to say it to you, so SHUT UP AND BELIEVE HIM.

  4. Shaunta

    He sure as hell doesn’t HAVE to say it to you.
    My first husband left me with two babies because he “doesn’t like fat girls” and because he’s ACTUALLY only attracted to “really tiny Asian women, or blondes.”
    He doesn’t HAVE to say it, although it might make women everywhere feel better if there were a law against making your wife feel like a disgusting cow.
    I linked this comment to a blog that I started with Shylah (www.simplyshylah.com).
    You are gorgeous.

  5. Julie

    Think about this – YOU are not THE FAT. THE FAT is not who you are inside. Your size does not make you who you are. You are a wonderful person who, like me, has gained some weight. BIG DEAL. That does not make you a bad person. It does not define you. You are awesome no matter what your size!!!
    You are beautiful. Please believe that. But the things that make you beautiful are not the external. It’s your love for your family and your humor that reach across the internet and touch so many people. If you sucked, why would we come to your site everyday?!!
    :)

  6. Sarcastic Journalist

    I hear the inner critic. My therapist would have a field day with her. We discuss the inner critic a lot.
    You should write her a letter and let her know that she doesn’t have the say so to tell you what you aren’t.
    You’re hot.

  7. Ange.

    It’s hard to accept that other people think you’re beautiful if you don’t feel like it.
    I never felt beautiful, before babies, before marriage, when I was thin and carefree and beautiful. I was always critical of how I looked, thought everyone else was better. Then I got fat. And felt worse.
    Now? I feel good about myself and do feel beautiful even though I am not as thin as I used to be, I’m more stressed out, I have grey hair, I don’t get any sleep. When my boyfriend tells me I’m beautiful first thing in the morning with my hair all messed up in my ratty pj’s, I believe him, and I feel beautiful. But it took a lot to learn to feel that way. And it feels so much better.

  8. Jen

    Jett: I left him in the middle of winter, and took the kids.
    Saracastic Journalist: I fucking love that. I am going to go write a letter to my inner critic and tell her to fuck off.
    And then, Y, I am going to write one to your inner critic and tell her to fuck off and DIE.

  9. clearlydistracted

    Wow, I could have written that post. When somebody gives me a compliment about my looks – especially about anything below the neck, I always wonder what the hell else they’re lying to me about. Great post. Don’t feel like the lone ranger.

  10. Tish

    Screw the inner tapes, screw the doubting insecurities – take a compliment and run with it as far as your legs can take you. And repeat it EVERY day so you can own it.

  11. BillH

    Maybe it’s a gender thing. I tell my wife the same thing and she doesn’t believe me either. No, wait; maybe is a spouse thing.

  12. kb

    I hear ya, sad isn’t it. I do the same damn thing, when someone tells me I’m beautiful I start pointing out the things that are wrong. I hate that but can’t get over it.
    And you are really beautiful Yvonne, and you have such a great outlook on life and a wicked sense of humor.

  13. Joelle

    You know why you don’t believe it when people tell you those things?
    Because you’re a damn ho, that’s why! :)
    Believe it, woman. You’re lovely. Gorgeousness. Sure, you want to lose some weight, but big fucking deal. It’s just FAT, it’s no who you are. And you’re hot shit.
    That is all.
    *runs off to take own advice*

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