Got Rolls?

Sorry, I’m not available.
No, that is not the greeting on my non existant cell phone, nor it is the greeting on my answering machine. THAT is what the shirt in the “big girls” section had written across the front. In sparkly letters.
Apparently, plus sized women like me want to make it sparkly clear to the everyone who walks past us that “we may be fat, but SO?! WE BE IN RELATIONSHIPS, BITCHES.”

Then there was the one next to it.
“Smile. It distracts people” (again, in sparkly letters) Yeah! Smile, it distracts people… FROM THE SIZE OF MY ASS.

Those were just two of the super lovely, totally hip choices.

And let’s talk about the few shirts that didn’t have sparkly messages plastered all over them.
Apparently? If you’re a size 16 and up? You need bows and fake flowers plasted all over your bossoms. You also totally need sequins. to compliment your enormous tits. SEQUENCE SEQUINS, BITCHES! And not just one row of it either. You need like, 4 or 5 rows of that shit.
Perhaps I’m being a WEE TINY BIT defensive here, but can’t a woman of my size get a mother fucking PLAIN COTTON TSHIRT? Why must I advertise that “I’m not available” Or that “I’m all that and a bag of chips” (shuttie!)

18 thoughts on “Got Rolls?

  1. Tammy

    I just got here from 3 kid circus, and I think I want to move in. The comments about the plus size shirts are what got me! I thought I was the only one with this problem! I also want to know why in god’s name I cannot buy a shirt that isn’t designed to cling to my “love handles”. (Handles that I can hang both kids, the cat, and a supply of popcorn from).

  2. Steph

    I totally saw that shirt at Mervyns! And I thought the same exact thing. Why can’t they just make regular sized clothes bigger instead of making special crap with stupid sayings!?!?! GOSH! *stomps off*

  3. y

    AH! YES! It was at Mervyns! I couldn’t even write about the Betty Boop and Angel ones without throwing up a little.
    (P.S. Thanks, Marci. I know, I can’t spell.)

  4. Mamacita

    They DO make plain shirts. Unfortunately, they’re only three inches long and tend to expose everything I most want to be unexposed. I tried one on; the light was dim and I looked like a huge ice cream cone. I finally gave up and started buying my shirts in the men’s department. The t’s without the pocket are pretty nice. The ones with the pocket are scratchy. But only on one boob.

  5. DogsDon'tPurr

    I soooo completely hate shopping for clothes! Anybody who is not like size -0 is out of luck.
    Maybe we should all get together and start designing REAL clothes!

  6. fl0w3r

    I’ve got to admit…this fat girl needs all that shit for my boobage. For whatever reason, my tits are the only thing that didn’t embiggen with the rest of me!

  7. Angel

    ROFLMFAO! Oh my gawd that is hilarious and soo true. Lane Giant has gotten better, if you don’t dropping a bejillion dollars on just a plain black t-shirt. So apparently when you’re fat if you want to have clothes w/out the hearts, flowers and kitties you have to have booku bucks!

  8. Caitlin

    I hate shopping for clothes. Nothing ever fits, EVER…I don’t think things are any better over here on the other side of the fence. I went to my favourite store the other day and bought pants in a size 0 and I have to wear a belt with them – how is that possible? 5 years ago, at a lower weight, I could not even get a pair of 0 pants done up. Sizes and styles these days SUCK major balls. All of my clothes look like children’s clothing, because the ‘fashionable’ stuff apparently was not made for women with breasts. So yeah, I hate shopping, in other words. I haven’t owned something that fits PERFECTLY in a very, very long time.
    Oh, and about the shampoo thing, today’s adventure was just up the nose with Philosophy’s Cinnamon Buns shampoo, so it wasn’t bad. BUT, once, I got regular shampoo up my nose and down my throat and it tasted terrible FOR HOURS. I don’t even know how it happens.

  9. Firebrand

    Have you tried looking for something simple at, say, Wal-Mart? I know, not the best-est quality, but I’ve always been able to find very simple cotton shirts there. And CHEAP!

  10. kim

    i know what you’re talking about. i’d say lane bryant or old navy. i found a few things there and they always have big sales going on. and let me tell you, america is heaven when you need a plus size. apparently most europeans are not over a size 10 so if you are (like me) you’re screwed. one reason why on every visit to the states i reach my credit card limit..

  11. joaaanna

    I hear ya! I just went shopping yesterday and it makes me want to bawl. I have a gut. So do alot of us ‘big gals’. So make big tops that COVER MY GUT!!! I finally find a cute shirt that isn’t sparkly and TOO old lady-ish and it all but creates a big blinky arrow pointing at my gut.

  12. Holly

    As a large woman with large tata’s I find I often get better fits, more comfort and a better deal in the men’s deparment then tha ladies dept. With a few obvvious exceptions I buy almost all of my clothes and shoes there. Women’s clothing usually seems to be to fru fru and cutesy, I’d rather have something practical and comfy. Of course I’m a tomboy anyway, and hate flowers and sparkles and lacey stuff

  13. justagirli

    This is some funny stuff. Being a big girl myself I have the exact same problem. I stumbled upon Lane Bryant the other day trying to burn up a mall gift card I got for Christmas and can not seem to spend to save my life. They have some cute stuff but nothing I can afford and still manage to feed my 3 kids. $42 for a tank top come on! Someone really should start a line of clothing for Healthy Girls, we have just as much a right to dress decent as the 72lb stick figures walking around.

  14. Mariposa

    I think I grew up with you. Ok, I didn’t. But I wish the fuck I had.
    I also wish I could go shopping with you, because it would be fun. And I need fun. I am not fun. I am boring.

  15. krissy

    OMG OMG OMG OMG FINALLY !!! Someone understands me. DUUUUUUUUUUDE, I’ve been trying to stress this issue many times and nobody seems to get it. Maybe because most of the people I know don’t have to worry about shopping in the “big girl” department. I always get so irritated because I can’t find a simple shirt or other article of clothing. It’s basically like if you’re big, you gotta wear tacky over-the-top shit. I’m SO not a sequin person, nor do I like big stupid bows or flowers or whatever other obnoxious accessory comes attached to something that would have been okay had it been plain. It’s great to finally see that someone else feels my pain. By the way, I’ve been reading your blog for quite some time. You’re an awesome chick. All the best to you and yours.

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