I’m becoming increasingly afraid of growing old. I’m afraid of what will happen to my body and I’m NOT talking about LOOKS.
I’m talking about not being able to control my bodily functions. I’m talking about having to wear Depends. I’m talking about becoming a hunch back. I’m talking about my teeth falling out.
There are books about growing old “Gracefully.” Ok, I haven’t read the book, but how the hell is that possible if when you get older you can’t sneeze without your teeth flying out, or you can’t laugh without shitting your pants? I’m totally serious. I’ve seen what happens to people when they age. I used to visit convolescent homes to spend time with the elderly there. I’ve seen what can happen to a persons body as it ages.
You people have no idea HOW scared I am about it. I’m so scared that when someone tells a joke about someone wearing Depends, I don’t laugh, I cry and say “THAT’S NOT FUNNY, ASSHOLE! We’re only 4 pisses away from wearing them ourselves, DO NOT MOCK THE AGED!”
Two nights ago I almost had to call 911 because of a severe anxiety attack I had in the middle of the night. I couldn’t breath, my heart was pounding so hard and I thought “I’M HAVING A HEARTATTACK!” I have suffered with anxiety for a long time, so I should know better, I should know not to let my mind lose control like that. But, it happened and it’s traumatized me.
Now, I can’t obsessing about what will happen to my body when I get older. Will my heart last? Or will I die young? Will I get arthritis and lose my ability to do the simpliest things due to overwhelming pain? Will my back hurt all the time, taking the enjoyment out of sitting and watching my kids and my grandkids?
Peeing yourself when your pregnant is one thing, but not being able to control your pee on a daily basis because your bladder gave out for good is a whole other thing and I am scared the day will come where that will be my reality.
Do you ever think of that? Of growing old and losing control of your body?
What about losing control of your MIND?
I saw my Granny lose it and, while at times it WAS funny (come on, she thought that Tiger Woods got her pregnant), it terrifies me that one day that could be me. That one day MY children wouldn’t be able to take me out in public because I was afraid the police were looking for me because they thought I had buried babies in the backyard.
This growing old business SUCKS.