Since the Humiliating, Yet Very Much Needed Emotional Breakdown At The Weight Watchers Meeting, I’ve been kicking and burning much ass-age in the battle to lose 75 more pounds. It was some kind of a breakthrough for me. I realised how all of the stupid hangups that I have, all of the negative self talk, all of that nonsense was holding me back from reaching my goals. I’m letting all of that go, ALL OF IT.
Example… I went back to the gym. And I started doing weights. This is a big deal for me because in the past, when I’d put on weight, I wouldn’t go to the gym because I thought I WAS TOO FAT. Crazy, no? And then when I would go? I’d be too embarrassed to use the weights because I was afraid of how dumb I’d look as a fat girl trying to do weights. I finally realised how pathetic and binding that kind of mentality is. This is about ME, not about what other people think.
I’m trying really hard to not get all cheesy here, but I feel so liberated right now. Freed from years of negative feelings about myself and my body. Don’t get me wrong, I still hate the way I look right now, but the way I’m dealing with it is much different and entirely more healthy both physically and mentally. Instead of sitting on the couch with a bag of chips and dip crying “I am so fat and ugly and no one loves me because I’m a horrid monster” I’m at the gym, lifting weights, saying “You ARE fat, but you WILL lose it because you are worth it!!”
See? Cheese, but TRUTH cheese.
I’ve added the lastest picture. Ethan took it this morning. I am now 209 pounds, down from the 230 I was in the first picture. Yes, my face is still colored out, but you’ll see it’s only one black line this time, because it’s starting not to hurt to look at myself. Who knows, maybe next time I’ll just show my damn face.
(p.s. when you look at that last picture? And you see my ass? Do you think to yourself…“I could totally rest my cup on it”? Because [small voice]I do[/small voice]