Not tonight, dear. No, not tomorrow night either. Or the next night. OR the night after that.

Today is my 6 week check up. You know, the one where they make sure everything healed up the way it’s supposed to. You know what that means, don’t you?

It means I have to make “down there” all pretty for the doctor.
You thought I was going to say “it means I can FINALLY HAVE SEX!”, didn’t you? Admit it, you did.
Well, it does mean that too, but guess what?
I am T-E-R-R-I-F-I-E-D to have sex again.
I am being completely serious when I say that. I’m scared.
Not scared of the act of sex, I could never fear the penis, I’m scared that there is a possibility that I COULD END UP PREGNANT AGAIN.
I LOVE my daughter, I’m so happy I have her, but she was not a pregnancy we had planned. Not at 32 years old with two older boys.
And I was SO SURE that the Rhythm Method I had relied on for the past 14 years would WORK FOREVER!!!!!
So, now, every time I think of sex, I think it’s just another opportunity to get knocked up and that’s just NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.
Tony was on the waiting list to get his nards snipped, but our insurance with Kaiser is going to expire at the end of the month, so that’s not going to happen. We have to wait til our new insurance kicks in for him to have that done. We’re talking months here, people.
I feel sorry for Tony, I do, but I would feel more sorry for Tony if he was all “No baby, don’t worry, you won’t get pregnant and I GOT PREGNANT.” He tried sneaking it up on me the other night and I freaked out. “GET THAT THING OFF OF ME, IT STILL IS ACTIVE. IT CAN STILL IMPREGNATE ME! IT’S A WEAPON OF MASS FERTILIZATION!”
Four children is NOT something I want, three is just what I need, and every time I see The Penis, I see baby #4 written all over it.
Maybe I need to talk to someone about this?

35 thoughts on “Not tonight, dear. No, not tomorrow night either. Or the next night. OR the night after that.

  1. ben

    OMG I’m laughing about the WMF label. Also the idea that he has a little neon sign on his dick that says “Baby #4!!! Locked and loaded!”
    Would it be so bad to use a condom for a month or two? (I don’t need them, I don’t have real sperm, but for ten years, before we knew I was shooting blanks, we used them for exactly that reason)
    Sneaking it up on you… hehe (and I don’t blame him one bit, us guys are sneaky that way)

  2. yvonne

    here’s the thing. We always used condoms when I was fertile, but since I don’t remember when I concieved Gabby, I don’t know if we used one and got pregnant anyway? And anyway, condoms break.
    I’m not sure if I can go on b/c because I’m nursing, but even if I can, it takes 30 days for you to be able to not get pregnant. and understand this, I’m scared and not thinking rationally.
    I told Tony we should just “be friends” from now on.

  3. Shylah

    Well, there always has to be someone to chime in with their horror story about one method of birth control or another, and I guess it’s my turn today. I would highly recommend you stay away from the shot – My daughter is almost three, and I’ve PUT ON sixty pounds since she was born. I was losing weight before I started the shot, and went immediately in the other direction after my first shot. I’ve managed to at least maintain my weight for the last six months or so, but it’s because I’m damn near starving myself. At the end of October, I’m quitting it and starting up a low-hormone pill. My doc says there’s a chance it could cause weight problems too, but the only way to know is to try.
    And the female condom? Ha! I tried using one once, and it would NOT stay in. I did everything according to the instructions, but it kept coming out. TMI, I know, but hopefully hearing some different experiences with birth control will help you make a more informed decision.

  4. mikey

    just tell Tony that you’re saving yourself for Mr. BikerFox.
    or that the only way you’ll have sex with him is if he dresses up in little mermaid socks with biker shorts.

  5. Xdm

    HEY!
    I had my six week today too!! The nurse, while taking my blood pressure had the nerve to ask me if I had had intercourse in the last six weeks. I think the look on my face said it all because she said, “I’ll take that as a no.” (And I was c-section.) I wanted to say, Lady, I haven’t been laid since I can’t remember!” FYI — they gave me a prescription for a sort of 1/2 pill, or “pill lite.” (Half the calories and no placebos!) You may want to ask about it.

  6. melly

    Wait a second … I thought you and Tony always relied on the rhythm method? I remember you saying something about it eons ago and I told you that you were going to end up pregnant. Then you said that it was n’t going to happen because you’d used the method long enough w/o getting pregnant.
    HMM?
    OKAY I KNOW WAY TOO MUCH ABOUT YOUR SEX LIFE.

  7. sarcastic journalist

    I would like to introduce you to my daughter, “Natural Family Planning,” which I think is also the rhythem method. I took my damn temp every day and ha! I ovulated TEN DAYS EARLY!
    I’m on a low dose pill now, not like I’m doing it because eeek, just NO. Other suggestions include the patch and the ring. Or the IUD– plenty of women like them but for me it caused nothing but troubles.
    but you gotta get on something because weiners have a way of sneaking up on you. especially sperm-laden weiners.

  8. Canadian Lauren

    It takes a year here to get a referral to the ONLY urologist on the island. Yeah, our youngest is 6 months old and he STILL hasn’t called, but I take the the low dose pill because I am breastfeeding.

  9. yvonne

    Melly, we DID use the rhythm method, and I wouldn’t have sex when I was ovulating, BUT anytime we had sex AROUND the time I was fertile, we’d use condoms TO PREVENT ME FROM GETTING PREGNANT. But on the 12-16th day of my cycle? NO SEX FOR YOU!
    NOW YOU KNOW EVER MORE ABOUT MY SEX LIFE!!!!

  10. ben

    I told Tony we should just “be friends” from now on.
    Hey, that’s the same thing my wife and I do!
    And we can’t get pregnant (trust me, we guit birth control back in 89 or so, it ain’t gonna happen). But apparently she’s content with a handshake once in a while. Good thing it doesn’t bother me, huh?

  11. Justagirli

    I completely understand. I was so fertile it seemed if my husband looked at me funny I ended up knocked up. After giving birth to my 3rd child I decided enough was enough and refused to leave the hospital until they made me unable to concieve. When I say refused I flat out refused. I was 20 years old (I know young) and they said I was to young for a tubal, I signed the consent form and I have been worry free since. Best decision I ever made.

  12. yvonne

    uh, carol, because I had a vaginal delivery and I forgive me if I don’t want my body to be cut into and my husband and I had agreed that HE would get sterilzed so I wouldn’t have to go through an invasive procedure. If you had read the entire post.
    And quite frankly? After shitting out 3 kids, I think getting his balls snipped was the least he could do.
    And what’s with the way you posed the question?

  13. robyn

    I swear, after reading you and Dooce this week, I’m beginning to think I’m not normal. (Well, we already knew that…but, ahem…) I had a c-section granted (but a comment above disproved my theory there) and like 2-3 days before my 6-week, I just couldn’t take it anymore and jumped the meester in the shower one morning. Guess I’m still playing the “you’ll never conceive on your own” odds they tried to give me in 2000. 😉 C;mon 7!

  14. Lujza

    Sorry…..had to laugh at your post! Here in Canada….the snipet (for the man) is done VERY quickly! Now we can have all the sex we want! :) (I have 3 as well)

  15. NinaKaye

    I understand entirely. My baby is 2 now and I’m still scared to have sex. No more babies for me, thank ya! I haven’t been able to talk the husband into getting snipped yet, but I’m working on it. I’d get myself fixed, but I’m scared of that.

  16. Lucky

    I was *fortunate*? to have a c with my last one and had arranged for a tubal. But I can understand hte fear completety! *hugs*
    As a side note. DO NOT GET THE SHOT! As the other person said, MAJOR weight gain. I gained almost 100 in 9 months. That was 10 years ago, and I’m STILL trying to lose it. The docs said the the drug can take 7-10 years to completely leave your system. You can get pregnant, obviously, as I’ve had two other children, but things like metabolism stabalizing take much longer.
    Best of luck in whatever you guys end up doing. Personally, low hormone pills worked best for me :)

  17. Arianne

    ::LOL at weiners sneaking up on me…::
    After gaining 30lbs from the Pill I’ll never do that again. IMHO we gals should steer clear of the synthetic hormones (they are the sister to HRT, after all). I prefer the sponge along with the Fertility Awareness Method (checking your temp, plus other things). Its like a more reliable version of the Rhythm. Good luck figuring this one out…

  18. jen

    I love my IUD.
    Just use a condom– you’re not going to get knocked up. Use some spermicide too, if you’re worried about it breaking. You’ll be fine.

  19. mel

    There’s always a way!!
    get some condoms, use the pull-out method AND lube yourself up with some spermicide. Ain’t no way any of his swimmers will get up in there.

  20. franci

    hey carol…it’s cheaper, less risky or invasive for him to get snipped. plus, i totally agree with yvonne, she has had three children, the least he can do is get a vasectomy.

  21. BOBBI

    I CAN NOT STRESS TO YOU ENOUGH ABOUT THE IUD! IT IS TOTALLY A-W-E-S-O-M-E!! YOU MAY BLEED A LOT BUT IT IS BETTER THAN NOT BLEEDING FOR 9 MONTHS! YOU GET IT?! GO GET IT PUT IN! GOOD FOR 10 YEARS!!!!

  22. hed

    I had the same fear. Condoms aren’t the worst thing in the world if only for a few months.
    I would highly recommend against the IUD. Trust me. We are talking pain, and possible infections galore. Besides, if your husband is still planning on getting his nards snipped, just let him go through it. The IUD is so not worth it.
    -H

  23. djmofo

    well, you two have 2 choices:
    tony gets snipped
    you swallow
    it’s the only way, man.
    oh or up the poop shoot! (and girl, trust me when i say this is the last resort)

  24. worksforme

    I got snipped and you can tell tony your husband there no worry it was a peice of cake and actually it feels better for some reason. It feels like I actually have more control I can last as long as I want or if the wife just wants to have a fast moment I can do that to. But tell you dont feel a thing and when the freezing comes out there just a little pressure there and all you need to do is laydown and relax for a couple of days.

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