Rarely do I get upset over comments I get, even if the comments are mean or hurtful, but today I got a comment that really got to me.
Something I said in my last post came off as offensive, and I didn’t mean it that way. I said “Who cares what a fat girl thinks anyway?”
That comment does not reflect how I feel about fat people. That comment is a reflection of how I feel about myself and how I percieve people feel towards me.
The comment mentioned a post that was written a long time ago about fat people. Well, it was feelings as the ones stated in that post that make me say things like that. It’s no secret that there are people out there who look at someone like me and think bad things about me. They look down at me and see me as less of a person because I’m fat. That’s a truth that no one can deny and as strong as I try to be, somedays, I let that get to me. I am sorry, I’m HUMAN.
I won’t lie, I will never be comfortable being fat and I’ve NEVER said otherwise. I HAVE said that I will NEVER let it define who I am as a person ever again and I mean that. I’m trying, but it’s a struggle and if that makes me a bad person? Because I struggle with it? Well, there’s nothing I can do about that because I won’t lie about how I feel.
Obsessing over food is not something I do because I’m trying to lose weight, it’s been something I’ve done my entire LIFE. I’ve been very honest and open about my issues with weight here. Not everyone can understand because not everyone has eating disorders, not everyone’s mind is fucked up like mine is when it comes to food and weight. I have a problem and I’ve tried my entire life to figure out a way to not think the way I do about food.
I’m sorry if that would make anyone not like me as a person. I’m sorry if that makes people think less of me, I’m sorry if that pisses people off.
I would never judge someone because of their weight or how they look because I know how painful that is, I’ve been a victim of that kind of ridicule and judgement and I would never do that to another person. But guess what? I do it to myself. I put myself down, I talk badly to myself, I call myself a fat ass, I do all the things I hate that people do TO ME.
Why? I have no idea, maybe because it hurts less when I say it first. If I call myself a lazy fat ass, well, when the heartless bitch down the street says it, it doesn’t sting as much.
I’ve come very far in my life in the area of not caring what other people think, but this is my weakness, my weight. It always has been.
It’s never my intention to hurt other people when I write the things I write. I hope you believe me when I say that and I certainly don’t think badly about people who are overweight, ask anyone who knows me, I love people for who they are inside, for who they are as a person.
The problem? I have trouble practicing that kind of unconditional love on myself. I struggle with loving ME no matter what. I TRY. God knows I try, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t.
I just feel so awful because I’ve NEVER given any thought to how I make others feel when I write the things I write about my weight.
I’ll end with this..Jen just said what I was trying to say, but couldn’t think of the right way to say it… I feel as though as a fat girl, I have no voice That’s what I meant by that. It was about ME, no one else.