I found this picture the other night and I showed it to Ethan. I asked him if he remembers why he was smiling.
“Because, I loved you so so SOOOOO much back then, mommy”.
“And you don’t love me that much anymore?” I asked.
“Oh, I do, it’s just that when you get bigger, you want to play more instead of just hugging your mommy all day“.
My boys are growing so fast, and while they still love to spend time with me and their dad, the day is fast approaching where they’d rather not. They’d rather hang out with friends or lock themselves in their room. The day might come where they don’t want to talk to me about their day.
I don’t want to live with the regret that I didn’t cherish every moment I had with them while they were little. I don’t ever want to look back and wish I had spent more time with them. I don’t want any regrets of not giving them the attention they still crave from me right now.
Sometimes I think I wish they could stay little forever. I hate thinking of the day they are too big to crawl on my lap and cuddle with me. I wish they’d need me forever. But everyday, they need and depend on me a little less than the day before. Everyday they are becoming a little more independent. And while I know this is the natural course of life, it still hurts.
I told Tony we need to get back to some of the little family traditions we’ve slowly abandoned. Like family game night, or staying up late watching movies and eating popcorn, camping out on the family room floor, being silly. The days that my boys will want to do those things with us are numbered.
I just hope it the time goes by slowly. I want to enjoy these little guys as long as possible.