bittersweetness


I found this picture the other night and I showed it to Ethan. I asked him if he remembers why he was smiling.
“Because, I loved you so so SOOOOO much back then, mommy”.
“And you don’t love me that much anymore?” I asked.
Oh, I do, it’s just that when you get bigger, you want to play more instead of just hugging your mommy all day“.

Sigh.

My boys are growing so fast, and while they still love to spend time with me and their dad, the day is fast approaching where they’d rather not. They’d rather hang out with friends or lock themselves in their room. The day might come where they don’t want to talk to me about their day.
I don’t want to live with the regret that I didn’t cherish every moment I had with them while they were little. I don’t ever want to look back and wish I had spent more time with them. I don’t want any regrets of not giving them the attention they still crave from me right now.
Sometimes I think I wish they could stay little forever. I hate thinking of the day they are too big to crawl on my lap and cuddle with me. I wish they’d need me forever. But everyday, they need and depend on me a little less than the day before. Everyday they are becoming a little more independent. And while I know this is the natural course of life, it still hurts.

I told Tony we need to get back to some of the little family traditions we’ve slowly abandoned. Like family game night, or staying up late watching movies and eating popcorn, camping out on the family room floor, being silly. The days that my boys will want to do those things with us are numbered.

I just hope it the time goes by slowly. I want to enjoy these little guys as long as possible.

17 thoughts on “bittersweetness

  1. Hey! ...

    An unexpected gift

    I was just at Yvonne’s. This post gave me a much needed dose of perspective. I’m off to take a nap and see if I…

  2. tammy

    I know just how you feel. I wrote an entry in my own blog yesterday about the passing of time and how hard it is to see the kids growing up. I plan on spending a lot of time with them this summer.

  3. melly

    You’re about to get a whole new baby!
    I forgot to tell you. After the salt incident, Matt got a hold of some liquid soap. Oh joy of joys! But he smells really nice now.

  4. PunkAssBitch

    beautiful.
    I just found you thru Lisa’s site, whom I just found thru…I have no recall of where LOL…but I’m glad I clicked the link.
    you have a great blog, beautiful kids, a great way with words, and this post really touched me…sigh…I think I’ll go *force* myself to play another round of PS2 with my little guy & try not to sniffle to much while I do so
    :-)

  5. Kristine

    That picture is so cute! I know EXACTLY what you’re saying. I just blogged about it and the fact that my daughter turns 13 next month. ::sniff-sniff::

  6. Lili

    It’s strange the ebb and flow of relationships between parent and child. My 13 1/2 old son was at the independent/don’t need mommy/pissy ass/teenager stage until I got engaged. Now he is independent/need my mommy/pissy ass/hormone crazed/clingon with attitude kid. I’m quite sure this is just the beginning!

  7. dana michelle

    Your posts like this always get to me. Your boys (and girl-to-be) are so blessed to have a mom who treasures them so completely.
    Don’t worry. No matter how old they get, they will always ‘need’ you in some way.

  8. Mellissa

    My Mum is 4’8.5″ and weighs 77lbs. I am 5′ and weigh 95lbs. I am bigger than her – but NEVER too big to sit in her lap and cuddle (I just have to make sure I don’t put all my body weight on her or she’ll break…)

  9. Gary

    Our job as parents is to prepare them to be independent so that when the time comes they can be self-sufficient and take on the world. As Dana said, they will always need you but for different things. I used to play Legos with my boys, now I am buidling decks on their homes. Where we used to search the stores for the right GI Joe we now look for the best deal on a car. While I miss the boys as the children they were I now treasure them as the men they have become…AND because I didn’t kill them back then they are now giving me grandchildren to ruin. Life is wonderful.

  10. Chelle

    You got me all teared up too. I really needed to read this, sometimes we get all wrapped up in “stuff” that doesn’t matter, and neglect the people that do. It is so bittersweet to watch my little ones grow.

  11. Bballmom

    This is the first time I have ever read your blog. I linked from melly. I will be back again.
    Great post. I so understand. I have 3 kids 15, 14 and 11. Where did the time go? I am 6’0″ and my 14 year old is 6’2″. So not only is he grwoing up, the punk has the nerve to get taller than me already.

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