Every morning I try to watch at least one episode of A Baby Story on TLC. I like to watch it to remember how exciting the whole birthing process is. I could watch the home videos of the births of my children, but I always end up cringing in embarassment. Especially the part where I’m pushing and I scream out “I think I just pooped!” and the nurse is all “No, sweetie, you didn’t poop, just keep pushing” as she’s wiping my ass. I’m sure you can understand why I prefer to watch other people pushing out babies instead.
Today, I was reminded of the one thing I truly hate about the entire “pushing out a baby” experience. I hate it more than the pain, more than the IV, more than the hands up my crotch checking if I’m dialated, more than anything…
I hate when you have an entire room full of nurses, doctors, husbands, mother in law’s, mothers, and sisters looking at you screaming “PUUUUSH” “PUSH IT PUSH IT HARDER HARDER PUSH!!!!” “Come on, push, hold it, PUSH!!!!!”
That shit is annoying. I had one nurse who had a lisp and kept saying “pusth pusth puuuuuuusth” I wanted to kick her in the stomach. ” I HEARD YOU THE FIRST 70 TIMES, BITCH, I’M PUSHING, DAMN IT. NOW COULD YOU PLEASE SHUT YOUR LISPING MOUTH UP!”
I don’t want to deal with people screaming “PUSH” at me. I don’t have the tolerance for it. I know how to get the kid out, I’ve done it twice before, I understand I need to “push like I’m taking a shit and really hard!” I get it.
I think I’m going to make a special request with this baby. You can tell me when it’s time to push and you can tell me when to start pushing again, if I need to be told, but I swear to God, if you scream it at me repeatedly, over and over again, I WILL kick you.
Respect my pushing skills and shutup. I don’t think that’s an unreasonable request.