I decided to start taking down the things on Ethan’s bedroom wall, since that is going to be the baby’s room. Ethan and Andrew will be sharing a room now. I can’t even describe to you how sad this is making me. I don’t understand why I’m finding it so hard, but with each picture I take down, with each nail I pull out of the wall, I find tears flowing down my face.
That’s been his room for the past 6 years. I remember the first time I placed him in his crib when we brought him home from the hospital. I would sit in the rocking chair next to his crib and watch him sleep. I spent many nights sleeping on the floor next to his crib, worried he’d stop breathing during the night.
I remember the first time he figured out how to get out of the crib. I had placed him in his crib for a nap and decided to take a shower. I got out of the shower to find him wandering around the house. So, it was time for a big boy bed. We bought him a little white toddler bed. We made a big deal when we put it in there to try to make the transition a good one. He had a few bad nights, again, I found myself sleeping on the floor next to him until he adjusted to the big change.
I remember spending the mornings playing in his room with him while Andrew was at kindergarten. We’d read stories, play with blocks, he’d dance for me while I recorded it, he’d sit in my lap and I’d tell him about the day he was born and he’d hug and kiss me and tell me how much he loved me.
I think of the times he’d get mad and run to his room. He’d slam the door and I’d open it to find him sitting in the corner, cuddled next to the huge stuffed teddy bear his grandma had given him. He loved that bear and it was his comfort when he was upset. Anytime we’d send him to his room because he was in trouble, he’d end up in the corner, neslted close to the bear.
Everynight, when I tuck him in, I sit next to him and I pray that he has good dreams. I kiss him, hug him and bring him a glass of water.
Now, it’s all about to change. That room will no longer by his room, his place to go when he’s angry or upset and it’s killing me inside.
That room will now belong to his little sister. The funny thing is that he’s ok with it, infact, he’s excited and happy to be sharing a room with his brother. He’s not the least bit upset about it, but I am.
Perhaps it’s because taking his room apart is a symbol of the huge change our lives are about to go through with the arrival of our little girl. I’m more excited about it now than I’ve ever been, yet there is still nervousness and fear about the changes about to take place.
I love the way my life is right now. I love everything about it, well, except for the financial problems, but that’s just money and will be solved. I love the routines we’ve established in this house. And it’s all about to change and I’m taking it’s hitting me really hard these past few days.
God, I had no idea when I decided to start taking things off of Ethan’s wall, I’d end up sitting here, overcome with emotions of fear, uncertainty and sadness for the changes taking place.