That’s my estimated due date.
The nurse gave me a book of information, made all the appointments I need to have made, had my lab work done and on the way out, she handed me a bag with some “free goodies” inside.
I looked at it, stared at it and cried.
Why am I crying? This baby is a blessing, that’s what everyone says. And I love this baby. Why can’t I get excited about it? Why don’t I look at the little diapers and feel happy that I’ll have a little baby to love? Why all of these mixed emotions?
Maybe it’s because in my heart I believe this baby deserves better. A better mother.
Maybe I’m just scared of starting all over.
Or maybe I’m just fucked up again.
I should shutup and be thankful. I should just shut the fuck up and enjoy the hell out of this experience.
Why can’t I do that today? Or why didn’t I do that yesterday?
Questions. I have too many questions and not enough answers.
I really do need to just shutup.
I need to shutup and I need to stop placing so much value on people and how they treat me.
I need to let the bitterness go.
I need to stop placing my value as a person on what other people think of me.
My dad told me that today and he’s right.
I place too much of my faith in people. In what they say, in what they don’t say. And I get angry and sad and all of these other things.
And then, when someone tries to care, when they try to help, you know what I do? I push them away. I don’t answer the phone, I don’t write back. I just crawl into my little world and sulk.
So just what is it I want from everyone? I don’t know. I don’t know what I want or why I’m upset or why I’m freaking the fuck out again.
Inspite of what’s going on in my world right now, the one thing I can honestly say is that I love my husband, I love my children and I love the baby I’m carrying inside me.
And I love my friends, especially Melly.
I just have a really funny way of showing it.