Just to see you smile…

It’s so hard watching people you love suffer from something you know all to well because you’ve been there and are fighting hard every day to not go back.
I’m talking of depression and anxiety.
Last night the friend that cancelled said she was having a hard time with anxiety and wasn’t well. She’d hoped I’d understand.
At first I was upset, then I stopped and thought, that was me just a couple months ago. I was terrified to step out of my house because of how I looked. I felt like a monster. I have gained weight and let myself go. I didn’t want the world to see me. No matter how hard people would try and beg for me to go, no matter how hard they tried to convince me that I would have fun “once I was there” I couldn’t make myself do it. I still fight those fears everytime I step out of my house, but each time I feel stronger and I have finally realized I have been letting me life pass me by. I don’t want to do that anymore, but it took a lot of hard work, love and talking to get me to this point.
I wanted to tell my friend to just do it, to get dressed and come have some fun. I knew that once she got there she’d have the time of her life. Tony told me to call her and tell her that. I tried, she didn’t answer.
I tried to explain this to my husband. When you’re in that condition, you can’t comprehend that you could actually have fun if you went out. You dread it, you fear it, fear controls you. It’s horrible and the worst part is no one can do anything to convince you otherwise. It’s as though you are a prisoner of your own mind.
It’s so hard to watch someone else go through it, now that the fog has lifted from my eyes and I’m stronger. I feel so helpless. I just wish I could help, but I know from experience it’s something only you yourself can fix, with lots of love and support from others, of course. All I can do is be there to cheer her on and tell her I love her and be there to hold her while she cries and when she feels she can’t go on, but the one thing I want to do more than anything in this world, make her happy again, I can’t do and it pains me deeply.
Sigh.

14 thoughts on “Just to see you smile…

  1. christina

    I know how this is so much my eyes just watered a little-ishlotdon’ttell.
    And the tough part is (for people who’ve gone through this…) is that some other people will understand, but some people you just can’t explain it to (you just can’t talk about it with them) and you must seem like a flake or a jerk or whatever to them.
    At least that’s my perception of what people must have thought/think of me.
    I could go on and on and on. But I don’t want to hijack your comments page.

  2. girl

    anxiety like that totally sucks. my mother has panic disorder which means I’m 10 times more likely to get it than people who do not have it in their family. sometimes little things set me off (I get claustrophobic when I’m near those concrete construction barriers on the freeway), little things will piss me off and I’ll just go ballistic and shake and want to throw and hit things.. hell, even a spider can give me an asthma attack. it scares me sometimes b/c I don’t want to be on Xanax for 25 years like my mother.

  3. Rennie

    I can so totally relate. My youngest is 15 months and I just weaned her last month, to which I realized I had gained more weight than when I was preggo. I weigh more now then when I went in to have her. I don’t like going anywhere or doing anything. Its hard. My friends want me to go places and all I can think of is how ppl will laugh at me.

  4. Adelle

    I have gone through depressions since I was 20 years old, and I know what you mean about helping others, esp. since you know how hard it can be. The best you can do is let her know you are there and encourage her to get up and get out of the house once in a while. I think just going to a friend’s house, even if it means leaving in 20 minutes, is an accomplishment all in itself. Just trying is great – maybe she needs to know that.

  5. krissy

    i’ve been visiting your site for quite some time (i got the link from coley’s site *http://yellow.equivoque.org/blog* and i must say (well, type) that you are too pretty to be so hard on yourself. seriously you seem to come off as an intelligent, funny woman. and your site rox !!! :)

  6. Angel

    Yvonne, I just love you… you are such a wonderful person…. a great friend and a wonderful mother & wife. You’ve learned so much over the last couple of months and I’m really proud of you.
    Kudos to you for your understanding…

  7. keith

    depression is such a frustrating disease/condition, and what works for one person or many people doesn’t necessarily work for others. i struggled with depression for many years, before starting medication. anxiety can be even more difficult. my wife, her brother, and their father all suffer from it. love, support and understanding are all you can offer. i hope your friend improves, and that your experience can benefit her.

  8. Em

    I’ve been there with you. My mother and I both suffer through depression, she definitely has it worse than I do. Right now I’m trying to help her, and it’s so hard. She doesn’t want my help, even though I know she needs it.
    Ugh, I could write a book on how frustrating this stuff is. Good luck to you and your friend.

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