I’ve got big muscles.

I’ve undergone so many changes in the last few months. It’s been overwhelming and I thought it was going to break me, but it didn’t.
I have found out I am stronger than I ever imagined.
There were things that happened to me that no one knows about, things I never thought I would be able to get past, but I did and I am a better person for it.
I still have bad days, there are still moments when I cry, when I wonder if I could have done things differently. There are still times I am overwhelmed with sadness and hurt, but it no longer controls me. I have taken control of my life.
The first step was getting help. At first I was embarrassed, I was ashamed, but now I am proud that I did it. I am proud that I didn’t wallow in my darkness, but I sought ways to make it better and to change.
And you better believe I’ve changed. And for the better.
I stopped using other people to fill the void in my life and for the first time in my life I took a deep, hard look at myself and decided I needed to fix me, I needed stop trying to make myself feel better by trying to fix everyone else.
I will never again base my worth as a person on what others think of me. I will make myself happy by working hard, loving and living life.
I will never again use other people, alcohol, or food to fill the voids or to stop the pain. Instead, I will confront those issues head on in therapy , I will explore my spirituality, and I will ask for help when I need it rather than trying to do it all on my own.
I think that is one of the biggest lessons I have learned through all of this. Accepting help does not make me weak (which is what I used to believe). If anything, it takes alot of courage to admit you’re not perfect, that you can’t do it all and that it’s ok to lean on others in your weakest moments. As long as you do your part in trying to get back on your feet again. And that’s what I’ve done and will continue to do for as long as I need to.

14 thoughts on “I’ve got big muscles.

  1. don

    You go!! Self-discovery is not the answer – it is what you *DO* with the self-discovery that makes ALL the difference in the world!
    I am so glad to hear you are doing better!!!

  2. Zuly

    Congratulations! It must feel good to reach these conclusions and to take these steps… and to look back and think, “Wow, look how far I’ve come.” You’re a stronger person, and growing stronger day by day. Cheers!!

  3. Susan

    Doesn’t it feel great? Now, what are you going to do about the alcohol? The weekend is coming up. Do you have a plan? Besides, no/little alcohol will help with the diet.

  4. btezra

    Admitting you are not perfect is one of the greatest strengths a person can have. That allows the weakneses and faults to melt away and the true inner beauty to show through. And we all have our faults a& weaknesses, it’s the proud and the strong who fear not releasing them. To one or to the many.

  5. dana michelle

    Way, way back, I wrote just about that exact same sentence in a comment to you with reference to how you’d feel if you went through therapy; “You will find out that you are so much stronger than you ever imagined”.
    I am so thrilled to see it coming from you now. I always could tell that you were strong, and I’m so happy that now you know it too.
    Congratulations on making it back! Enjoy every minute.

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