Don’t cry, momma.

I just got off the phone with my mom. I was going to ask her to watch my boys tonight so I can go meet Chey tonight. When she answered the phone she sounded upset. I asked her what was wrong. She said she was getting ready for a mother/daughter tea she was having at the church this morning and she picked up the card I gave her for mothers day and started reading it. She read it to me…
“Mom, I’m sorry I am such a dissappointment to you…”
She started to cry.
My mom never cries. Ever.
She said “You’re not a dissappointment to me y, you never have been, I am the one who dissappointed you.”
She went on to say how she knows she did me wrong in so many ways and that I don’t have the life I wanted because of the way she raised me. She told me she knows that her and my dad made so many mistakes. She said she wished she could do it all over, but she wanted me to know she never did it out of a bad heart, she thought she was doing the right thing. She also told me that she knows how the church can sometimes put people down and man can misinterpret the Word of God to make you feel unworthy, but she said God isn’t like that. She told me it pains her to see me locked up in this house because I believe of the lies I believe about myself. The lie that I’m ugly, that I’m not good enough, that people don’t love me. She told me they are all so untrue and she blames herself that I feel that way.
The other day I was at her house and her friends daughter came over. This girl is a young mother herself, a few years younger than me, and I hadn’t seen her in a long time. We talked for a while and we were laughing.
My mom told me that this girl went home and told her mom. “I saw y today and she made me laugh. No one ever makes me laugh and I just had the best time with her.” She told her mom she wished she could be like me and be able to laugh at things and at herself the way I can.
My mom told me it touched her so much to hear that because she believes I do have the gift of making people laugh and it hurts her so much that I can’t see that about myself. She said it hurts her that I can’t see how much people love me because I believe so many lies about how unworthy I am. And once again, she said she blames herself for all of this. If she had only told me more how beautiful I am and what a good person I am. That’s what she’s struggling with right now.
Of course, I was and still am crying because my mom has never said these kinds of things to me. She kept telling me she loves me, my mom never tells me that.
I’m a bit overwhelmed at all of this, just kind of soaking it all in. My mom and I have never been close. I have always felt like she was resentful of me and I never could figure out why, so to hear her say these things is extremely overwwhelming.
Woah, I definitely am going to go out tonight, inspite of the fact I AM ashamed of how I look, I need to be around people and laugh and just be me for one night.
Bring on the rum and let the good times roll.
(Does anyone say that anymore? “let the good times roll?” Well I said it, and I AM somebody dammit!)

17 thoughts on “Don’t cry, momma.

  1. Sonia

    Awwwwwwwww……..
    How wonderful to hear all that from your Mum :)
    Go out tonight & let your hair down girl, and don’t forget to “let the good times roll” ;)
    You Da Bomb Girl =)

  2. Hey Lisa

    Yvonne, I wish I could write what you just wrote. I think it’s wonderful and very timely said. I wish my mother and I could have that epiphany, but it’s never gonna happen. I’ve tried. She’s just not like that. I’m not going to make this about me. I’m not going to make this about me. I’m not going to make this about me.
    Garrett (he’s 5 and watching me type) wants me to write his name. So I did. He even made me go back and put the 5 in there. OK, bye Garrett.
    Anyway, I’m so glad you hit the post button this morning and I got to read it. I’m so happy you and your mother had that moment and you can pick up and begin a new relationship on a more even honest level. Go out tonight, have a wonderful time, enjoy being you; just go party your ass off, and I’ll live vicariously through you for tonight.

  3. tanya

    My mom has just gotten to that point too. She never used to say those things to me, and now she’s trying. I think it takes some major trauma to make them realize we need their love. This is a good thing. We can learn a shitload about ourselves from our moms.
    And you do crack us up all the time. One of the many things you need to remember about how awesome you are. ;)

  4. J.R.

    Ummmm, that was awesome. Nice to read someone who shoots from the hip and lets people know their insecurities. Because that’s really the only way we can all tell you that what yer feelin just isn’t true. But, I’ve only known you for a couple days (I thank the Lakers for that LOL) and lemme say this: I’m not sure why you feel the way you do, but, I think yer hot!! You have an adorable face . . . an AWESOME rack LOL . . . and a personality that makes me wanna throw you down on the bed and have my merry way with you LOL . . . so, take that for what it’s worth.
    Have fun tonight!!

  5. robyn

    I hope you have the best time EVER tonight, babe. You deserve it! I’m so glad you got to have that talk with your mom.

  6. Iki

    Girlie girl, don’t believe the hype. I haven’t been around here very long, but it doesn’t take long to recognize someone with wit, intelligence, honesty, an undeniable zest for living and so much love to give. You’re real, and not many people out here are. You’re good people, and that’s hard to find.
    I dig you in spite of your bizarre fascination with basketball. :p

  7. Keeler

    Dude, you make me soo happy [not just in my panties either]. I think you’re fabulous, and considering I’m an angsty shit-headed teenager who hates the world, that means an awful lot.
    Emily Keeler

  8. Lorraine

    Ah yes — Mothers. And daughters. I have nothing but praise for my oldest one, “MzKitty”, especially since she bought me a new printer for Ma’s Day. How can you not love a kid like that? Ha.
    My first visit to your place here. Very neat. And refreshing……breezy, etc etc. No really, very nice. I am a very old lady with a cobwebby, musty home site and a —- ummmm, blogpage where I discuss my medications and all my aches and pains.
    Anyway, your Mom obviously loves you very much and it really sounds like she intends to keep you, so next time you see her, give her a really BIG hug and a kiss. Mothers really like that. ;)

  9. Susan

    Wow Yvonne. What a great conversation. Maybe it will be the changing point in your relationship. Next time you see her, give her a big hug and thank her for telling you.

  10. lynn

    oh sweetie.. first.. i hope you have a WONDERFUL time tonight.. you deserve it.. you are a bright light and don’t ever forget that.. I haven’t known you long at all.. but you ARE one of the funniest, smartest people i’ve known and I only hope I can know you better as time goes on. I’m so glad your Mama talked to you.. because even if someone tells you something 1,000 times.. somehow it really hits home when your Mama says it :) I *heart* you :)

  11. dana michelle

    Wow. That post nearly had me in tears. I’m so happy for you that you finally heard those things from your mom. I’m sure it’s going to make your healing process go a lot smoother.
    Everything she said about you is true,and I think you’re finally beginning to believe it, too. Yeah, Yvonne!
    Have a grrrrrrreat time tonight with your frends!!

  12. etherian

    That’s wonderful and I hope you had fun this evening. I know that I just dropped in out of the blue a few weeks back, but you always make me smile with what you write, and you make me think as well. God bless you. :)

  13. racheal

    okay, time for crazy mother daughter lets all cry story.
    in a way, i think i see a lot of me in you. or you in me. like you’re the older version of me only much more beautiful, stronger, intelligent, and definitely funnier.
    see, me mom and i had a chat when i first came out about being manic-depressive. it was hard because i’d lived so long in hiding it, (yeah, all big eighteen years :P) i’d become so used to having to hide, pretend, hurt alone and it hurt me so much to see her hurting.
    i’ll never forget the day she and my dad came to me and apologized thinking it was all their fault and the craziness that ensued. see, in my little head i was the fucked up child, i had messed up and i was convinced my parents were going to hate me, disown me, feed me to the starving kids in somalia and castrate me. i never expected them to ever think it was their fault and i still believe it isn’t.
    i have so many problems i don’t know where to begin yet all at once i feel like two different persons at once. i am racheal the honor student, cheerleader, happy child, talented amazing la di da whatever. i am also racheal the fuck up, depressive bullimic ugly pathetic loser that puts on a bloody good show for the world to see.
    my parents have never stopped me and have never said no to my every whim, whatever gift, whatever toy, whatever car i wanted i got, i have never been deprived, never known what it’s like to starve, never been physically abused except for maybe myself. it took me seven thousand six hundred and fifty two miles for me to let my parents in, to show them my scars, to tell them the truth.
    lots of theraphy later, i realized that my head likes playing games with me and i know i sound like crazy psycho bitch but it’s as if some part of me magnifies little things and so when i think i am alone, i really am not. when i think i am not loved, there are a million people standing by my side but most of all, when i thought i was the biggest fuck up on earth and my parents hated me…i found out they were there all along pushing me forward and never letting me fall down too far they couldn’t catch me.
    you are a great mom yvonne, every day i come in here maybe because you remind me a little bit of mine, the gentle way you talk about your kids, your passion, your love for them. the same way i know that come what may, you will always be there for your kids and if only because of that you deserve everything that you want, everything that you need and everything that you can ever dream of.
    you are very much loved, needed, and appreciated.
    ((hug))
    p/s “i told you so”

  14. Erica

    That gave me weepy eyes. I’m so happy you got to hear that from your mom. You totally deserve that. You’re a wonderful person. You’re good enough, you’re smart enough, yadda yadda yadda, nice tits.
    *sniffles*

  15. ratty

    ((big hug))
    mom’s need to say things like that more often.
    kids need to hear it, no matter how old they are.
    i’m so pissed at my kid right now… i think i’ll go kiss him good-night :)
    BTW, lorraine is NOT cobwebby!

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