Whatever it takes.

Sometimes I can’t control this urge to hurt myself. It’s like all the rage inside has to come out somehow. Today my husand caught me digging my fingernails into my legs, I have marks all over my leg. He gets very upset, not angry, but he doesn’t know what to do. He told me to try to control myself, but I told him he doesn’t understand. I don’t want to be this way, but I can’t fight it when I feel that way.
Tomorrow I start 3 weeks of some sort of outpatient therapy. It seems pretty intense, I have to go for 3 hours, 3 days a week. I can’t imagine what the hell we’re going to be doing for 3 hours each of those days, but I’m willing to try anything at this point. Perhaps being around others who feel the way I do will be helpful.
My psychiatrist feels this is something I really need at this time. He says I “obviously have self esteem issues if I’m beating myself in the head” No? Really? You think? Sigh…
I know I’m not the only one who fights these demons, so a small part of me is looking forward to being around others who can relate, another part of me is scared, but I try not to let fear stop me from doing things. I refuse to let fear rule my life. I tell myself it’s ok to be nervous and scared, but it’s something I have to do. I want to figure this all out and move on, you know? And if this is what I have to do, I’ll do it.

14 thoughts on “Whatever it takes.

  1. Tracy

    You’re going, that’s the important thing. And you know what, maybe the other people there will be people you can relate to, maybe they won’t. Either way, that time is about YOU, and helping yourself to get better. Just remember, one day at a time.

    Reply
  2. dana michelle

    Good luck tomorrow, as well as for the rest of your treatment. Don’t be afraid to discuss your feelings {You don’t seem to be the shrinking violet type, so I don’t think you’ll have too much of a problem with that ;-) } Don’t be embarrassed. There’s probably nothing you can tell them that they haven’t heard before, and they’ve probably heard way worse.
    Just let it all out. You’ll be amazed at how much better you’ll feel once it isn’t all bottled up inside of you anymore. Remember that they WANT to help you get better.
    *Hugs* to you for being so strong and brave! I’ll be thinking of you, and I’ll say a little prayer for you too.

    Reply
  3. Mike

    “And if this is what I have to do, I’ll do it.”
    Good. We all want our Yvonne to get all bettah. I had something really witty to say but the picture that popped up when I loaded your page this time knocked all sense out of my head…

    Reply
  4. DogsDon'tPurr

    I’m so glad you’re doing this….my sister did outpatient therapy a few years ago, and she is a whole new person.
    You go girl! (and think of all the things you’ll have to blog about!!!)

    Reply
  5. Sunidesus

    I’m sending *good therapy vibes* your way.
    A friend of mine recently gave me her blades because she was cutting again and didn’t trust herself with them in the house. It’s scary.
    Good for you for going!

    Reply
  6. Buzz

    Huge hugs and smooches from the Empress and I to you, Yvonne! We’re sending massive positive vibes your way. Be on the lookout for them. ;-)
    Know that we love you and are keeping you in our hearts and minds.

    Reply

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