Shattered dreams

I am always looking for the easy way out of things. I’m not proud of it, but it’s the damn truth. This character flaw of mine makes me a total sucker for infomercial products.
Imagine my excitement when I heard these words late one night while feeling sad about having gained weight WHILE eating chips and dip.
“Get The Body You’ve Always Wanted In Just 6 Minutes Of daily Workout!”
I put down the chips and dip, got out a pen and paper and grabbed the cordless phone.
I saw the device.
bodyblade1.jpg
“This can’t be for real.” I thought. “That looks wayyyyy too easy. It can’t be true!” I continued to watch. They showed this hot chick with this piece of rubber in her hand, bouncing it up and down. It was working every muscle in her body. They even went into sssssllllooowww mmmmootttttiioooonnn so you could see how every muscle was being worked!
“I CAN DO THAT! I MUST HAVE THAT!”
I ordered it for the great price of JUST $100! (Or! Just 5 payments of $19.99! Plus tax and shipping!)
That’s right, a hundred bucks, but hey! Look at that chick! a body like that is worth $100.00 and in only SIX MINUTES A DAY.
I got it a few days later and opened the box up, all excited because in just SIX MINUTES A DAY for the next few weeks, I was going to look like THIS!
When the package arrived, I opened the box full of hope. All I had to do was flap that thing up and down–side to side and I would have the body of my dreams! But then, I actually held that piece of rubber in my hands and attempted to do it just like the hot chicks and the buff dudes in the commercial.
Um…that shit was hard. And not hard in the way that a good workout should be. It wasn’t as simple and moving that piece of rubber back and forth, there were actual things involved that required a bit of skill. Things like “rhythm” and “not feeling like an asshole while working up to said rhythm because ha ha, am I really holding a giant piece of rubber in my hands in the hopes of looking look like this?”
I would alternate between fits of laughter (HAHAHAHA LOOK AT ME TRYING TO SHAKE A GIANT RUBBER STICK!), shame (I’M WORKING OUT WITH A GIANT RUBBER STICK.) and anger (DID I REALLY JUST SPENT ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS ON THIS GIANT RUBBER STICK?)
Needless to say, it didn’t work and that box is collecting dust in the garage along with my hopes and dreams of perfectly chiseled abs in just six minutes a day!!!

14 thoughts on “Shattered dreams

  1. natalie

    (look at the virgin to your blog!!)
    At least you didn’t buy one of those belt ab things. Dude, I was tempted to buy that shit. I mean, all I had to do was sit on my ass and get a six pack while drinking one, right? But I never bought one. Good thing.

  2. Mister Mittens

    Hmm, a hot chick with a piece of �rubber� in her hand. Ok you got my attention now� but I�ll need more then only six minutes.
    [Mister Mittens � One extended pussy]

  3. Meredith

    I didn’t buy it on TV, but I do think my Thighmaster fits nicely into this category. Seriously, who would buy something from Chrissy Snow? I don’t deserve to have a wallet.

  4. Joelle

    Make your husband wear a condom. Fuck him for 30 minutes a day, 5 days a week (on top).
    Work out with “rubber”.
    The end.

  5. dave

    You know, I was listening to a radio station not too long ago and the hosts were talking about this exact same contraption.
    It turns out that a LOT of men really inured themselves using this. What they did was use it so that the blades come towards them and away from them and they somehow got it to come too close to their bodies and BAM!
    A simultaneous nut and forhead shot…
    That thing is dangerous I tell you, though I’d pay anything to see some poor male schlub use this and get the dreaded head(s) shot combo.

  6. Midwestern Mom

    OMG, I’ve seen that blade thing, it looks lethal! Remember the “Ab Roller”? I found a nice little spot for it in the basement years ago, and I STILL have an ab roll. Go figure.

  7. Michelle

    My infomercial addicted husband bought one of those damned things. Now it sits in our closet- wasting away.
    Does come in handy when I need to reach something from the top shelves though..

  8. Jessica

    Oh gawd, the ab roller.
    But, see, the Ab Slide – now that thing saved my frickin’ life. Sure, I paid $20 + s/h for mine, but they’re like a dollar on eBay now, and seriously the shit.
    I have a Ginsu craving now. Thanks. ;D

  9. dana michelle

    Th “Abdominizer” (Rock, rock, rock your way to a firm stomach) Only about $20.00 and I bought it at Target, so no shipping charges. I think I gave it to my mom after it sat in my closet for several years. It’s probably sitting in her closet now.
    Much, much worse purchase was the “HealthGlider” which I also bought at a kiosk in the mall, so no shipping (thank God!), but the freakin’ thing cost $500.00!!!! I figure for as often as I used it over the last 10 years, it cost me about $10 a use. After languishing in a corner of my living room were it was dusted weekly, it was finally relegated to the basement with the addition of my computer last fall. I actually like the thing, and it really is a good workout, but I just never used it. Maybe someday…
    Dave: Keep watching the video shows. You’re bound to see film of someone getting the dreaded head(s) shot from that thing eventually. Yowsah!!!!

  10. rachel

    You know, I used to work as a tech in a physical therapy clinic and we actually had patients hold that thing over their head and shake it up and down. I think it does strengthen but I don’t think it does much for any other part of your body besides the shoulders and arms. What did you end up doing with it? Is it a wall hanging, a chew toy or an addition to the interior of your closet?

  11. Missy

    We actually bought a damn bowflex. It sits in a whole room of our basement. But, even our friends admit… it does look pretty cool, even if we never use it.

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