I had another ugly episode.

I had another ugly episode. My husband had to restrain me again. I am beat up. He wants to take me to the hospital. He doesn’t understand, sometimes, that is the only way I can deal with the shit that is happening. I am talking, and he doesn’t hear me. No one does. I give everything I have, but God forbid I stop feeding your fucking ego and think about me for once, because, really, it’s all about you, right?
So I am sitting here researching Self Injury. I admit it. I do it. I don’t know how else to cope. I am not being heard.
Am I ashamed? Very. Am I crazy? No. You might think I am, but you don’t know me. I am an incredibly loving woman, mother to 2 amazing boys, and I have so much love in my heart to offer the people around me, but my mind doesn’t want to let me be myself anymore. I have good days and then one bad moment and it feels like I’m never going to be ok.
My head hurts, but my heart hurts more.
Don’t tell me to love myself, don’t tell me I can’t make everyone happy, don’t tell me how wonderful I am, don’t tell me anything, just let me vent, just let me be honest and tell you how I feel. I know I need help and I’m seeking it. Just let me cry and scream and do what I need to do.
If you are my friend you will stand by me, you will listen, you will tell me you love me. If you can’t do that, then get the fuck out of my life, I don’t have time or energy to waste on false friends and backstabbers. I need to be surrounded with only the very best of people, with the truest of intentions. If you are using me, I can see through you and I will rid my life of you. I am strong enough to do that. I am not weak. I AM angry and I am hurt, I am confused, but I am fighting and I am fighting hard.